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NC,
I don't say it to my wife because I try to see myself in her shoes. If I had an A and didn't love my wife then when she told me ILY I think I would feel too much pressure from her. I would feel like I'm not where she is so why bother with it anyway!!
Yes I agree with LA and Mimi - show her love by doing. Last night after I put the kids to bed I felt like watching TV and doing nothing. Instead I asked my wife if there is something I could do to help her with the cookie baking. I didn't want to step on her toes by helping with the cookies so I started cleaning the kitchen - dishes and such.
I think I showed her that I cared by helping her and we had a great talk about nothing - just H and W talking.
M2L
M2L
ME BH 36 - FWW 33
2 kids
DDAY May 06
Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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Let me add that sometimes I tell her I love you while she is sleeping.
I like that!!
M2L
M2L
ME BH 36 - FWW 33
2 kids
DDAY May 06
Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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LOL you do this too?! M2L ! You sure we are not BOAC? (brothers of another color)
Just too wierd........
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I just had a FLASHBACK about an ILY....
Not saying that your experience will be the same as mine as I had a WH and it may be different for your wives...
THE VERY LAST TIME before my H literally said "I can't do this anymore" (ANOTHER FALSE RECOVERY) and decided NOT to leave me again for the OW....
He kissed me on the cheek while I was asleep ...just before he left that morning..I guess he thought of himself as SAYING GOODBYE...(Is there something about watching us sleep?..that's what triggered this)
The kiss woke me up and I IMMEDIATELY for some unknown reason said.."I LOVE YOU"...do you think I sensed what he was doing?..because I really didn't have a clue and I typically don't say ILY when first awoken...I thought he was just going to a meeting...
Around lunchtime was when he came in, proclaiming how he "couldn't do it anymore" and he called her and said.."I LOVE MY WIFE", etc. and the rest is now history....
So there was an "I LOVE YOU" in our lives that was meaningful and significant...
I think hearing me SAY "I LOVE YOU" is more important to my H than it is to me...
I FEEL more LOVED when he TALKS to me like M2L did or he does sweet things for me...
Just a passing thought and memory that I had...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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LOL you do this too?! M2L ! You sure we are not BOAC? (brothers of another color)
Just too wierd........ NC, People are going to to thinking that we are one person with two dif MB names!!! This is funny Mimi- I love to watch my wife sleep. She is so soft, beautiful and and I guess cute. Now if she opens her eyes while I'm watching her, it freaks her out!! M2L
M2L
ME BH 36 - FWW 33
2 kids
DDAY May 06
Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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How do you guard yourself against becoming a doormat instead of a good loving , giving H?
I work on me.......and that causes me to want to GIVE......is there a danger in becoming a doormat?
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NC:
Never will you be considered a doormat for telling the woman you love, that you love her.
And sometime soon, do not be afaid to say it, but always show it. Do the dishes, whisper on the phone, vaccumm, play catch with the kids, whatever she thinks is an unspoken "ILY"
It's like the Billy Joel song: "Tell her you love her!" It just is right now, you get to show it more that say it.
Chin up, old chap! OMG, that is too colonial!
How about "Keep jammin!"
LG
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LOL,
"old chap".......yeah we were colonial too once by brits.
Last nite WW was in a foul mood. Saying things like : " my life is so @*&^$)($^) up right now.
i made some pretty #$($% decisions in life. and the famous line "I hate all men"
(Could someone please tell soul sister that I AM A MAN TOO?)
anyway i was thinking of giving her a call to find out how she is doing.
She went back to kissing on the cheek.
probably having a downer day.
Is it that i hate to loose her or am i beggining to believe that she is really in love with her old BF who is now married?
I hate accepting uncertainty in my life.
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NC: Did you forget TIME AND PATIENCE? Your W is WOUNDED..has been to HE// and back...her HEALING will take months and months.... Did you recall my post about IGNORING my FOGGY H during the early months? When she is like this is when you PARTICULARLY need to FOCUS ON YOURSELF...a hobby..read a good book...MOVE OUT OF HER WAY..so that she can WORK ON HER STUFF... anyway i was thinking of giving her a call to find out how she is doing. If you do call her, BE UPBEAT..talk about the WEATHER...something interesting that YOU are doing...DON'T GO TO HER LEVEL...encourage her to RISE to YOUR LEVEL... Is it that i hate to loose her or am i beggining to believe that she is really in love with her old BF who is now married? So what are you going to do today to meet her PRIMARY ENs? What are you going to do today to work on SELF-IMPROVEMENT so that you know that if she wants him, she would have a MAJOR LOSS of a WONDERFUL, DYNAMIC BROTHER like you.... I hate accepting uncertainty in my life. "EASY DOESN'T LIVE IN GROWN-UP LIFE"..Nicholas Cage in the movie, THE WEATHERMAN.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />..that Jamaican sun is getting to me....
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHH ,
mimi...trust you to jumpstart my day!
WW did say i have nothing to worry about......
but your post did it.
Sending you all a warm 79 Degrees with some overcast. Nice sea breeze and the scent of lobster and grilled fish.
of course with some red stripe beer.
luv to you Mimi,
LG hey man how is it hanginig?
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Sending you all a warm 79 Degrees with some overcast. Nice sea breeze and the scent of lobster and grilled fish. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> It's FREEZING here....
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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if i could only post a pic of here of the countryside to you i would. Chin up my lil sister.
I need you far more than you know.
please dont 2x4 me for asking this........"why do i get the sense that she is STILL going through withdrawal or that the OM contacted her at work?"
i know that i cant do anything about it..but did anything like that happened to you and if so how did YOU push it out from your mind.......i cant just go about ignoring WS now can i? I know you said focus on my OWN GROWTH...check.
Is there a danger in ignoring my WW?
I mean,.......she said i have nothing to worry about, her "feeling hostile"(her words).
Did you have to fight the urge to hug her also?
I dont dwell on it for more than 10 secs. Like LA said, the feelings usually follow after awhile.
I mean can you relate?
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........"why do i get the sense that she is STILL going through withdrawal or that the OM contacted her at work?" Signs of her FEELING BAD are a GOOD THING, actually. That means that she is going through WITHDRAWAL which is like a DEPRESSION...WITHDRAWAL for my H took a full 6 months of NC with the OP...She would seem CRAZY HAPPY ..like a HIGH..if in contact with the OM... i cant just go about ignoring WS now can i? I know you said focus on my OWN GROWTH...check. I never said to IGNORE HER. It is ESSENTIAL for you to focus on meeting her primary ENs.. What do you think they are?.. As you describe her I would think Conversation, Financial Support, Physical Attraction and Admiration are BIGGIES... Did you have to fight the urge to hug her also? You see, I would hug my H often because AFFECTION is a primary need of his...I was NOT AFFECTIONATE prior to his A..so has been a CHANGE IN MYSELF that I have made... Get it? When I said IGNORE, I meant to IGNORE her FOGGY WORDS..don't respond to the crazy stuff that she SAYS....
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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OK nc007... This is definitely NOT FAIR: "Sending you all a warm 79 Degrees with some overcast. Nice sea breeze and the scent of lobster and grilled fish." It is 12 degrees here with snow on the ground. I am afraid to leave my little pup outside for more than a minute because I am afraid she will turn into an ice sculpture <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Lizzie
BS - 48 (me)
FWH - 40
DD 12-28-05.
After Plan A, Plan B, and a false recovery, H moved home 9-29-06. Phone contact continued until 8-07. Real recovery started after that.
2 boys (mine) - ages 20 and 14 - still at home
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NC wrote: Sending you all a warm 79 Degrees with some overcast. Nice sea breeze and the scent of lobster and grilled fish. of course with some red stripe beer. NC - You A55. Mimi why don't we talk to someone in Canada instead? LOL NC- I think you are doing fine. Look back at your old posts and see where your wife was then. Compare that to now. NC wrote: please dont 2x4 me for asking this........"why do i get the sense that she is STILL going through withdrawal or that the OM contacted her at work?" NC- She probably IS still missing him some. I don't mean to hurt you with this. I know my wife missses her OM some. I remember when my GF (13-14 years ago) dumped me. I thought I would call her and try to get back together. I never call on day one. If I made it one day I could make it two days and so on. I never talked to or saw her, but after time (6-8 months) I didn't care at all. Give your wife more time. contact by OM - not unless your ww becomes VERY happy would I think that happened. Like to bake? Why not get the stuff to make cookies on your way home 2night. You, your kid and wife make cookies. After 3 days of my wife making them - it kinda grows on you. When she is making cookies with you - she will be tinking only of you at that time. Another idea how about going to the nearest outdoor park for ice skating? They just opened them up here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> M2L
M2L
ME BH 36 - FWW 33
2 kids
DDAY May 06
Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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Oh yeah!! I tried the listen and repeat thing agian. I almost feel like I'm cheating. I don't do it too much though in fear that it would seem too weird to her.
M2L
M2L
ME BH 36 - FWW 33
2 kids
DDAY May 06
Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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VERY FUNNY M2.VERY FUNNY......ice skating rink! IGNORE HER WORDS........gotcha! going to get a shave.and some english leather colonge. WW watchout! guys.......i would really love to show my DS some snow. LIZZIE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> how u doing girl! good to have you here! i pop into you now and again. Okay guys...........seeing that your all cold........let me turn down the AC in my office to join you all in solidarity. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
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Note for perspective...
Missing the feelings...those quick, false signals from fantasy...not truly a person...which is why OM is not a real person...
Great advice on seeing how far you've come, considering DDay, the world blew apart...
How about asking for communication exercises twice a week? Only takes a 1/2 hour each time...??
LA
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How about asking for communication exercises twice a week? Only takes a 1/2 hour each time...?? Ooooh, LA.. I don't think she's READY for this..after that rant of hers... I think NC needs to focus on ACTIONS in the PRESENT and back off any of the R-seeming type of stuff....or acting as if he is playing psychologist.. Know what I mean? She seems like she's the ROMANTIC type...WINE and DINE..."Come pick me up on your white horse,you sexy thing, and take me away "...massage my hands (Oh, my) If you do any communication exercises, I think you can do them on your own, taking M2's lead, and practicing repeating back to her what she has said...for clarification purposes...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Why would communication exercises involve R talk?
Hmmm...mostly, when it was my H's turn, he talked about work, our sons, his painting (or lack thereof)...stuff like that.
When it was my turn, I would mostly share what I was working on inside...what I was trying to stay aware of, my goals and dreams...stuff like that.
Since then novelty of talking for 20 minutes straight was really a challenge, and the listener can't talk back, it isn't really conducive to R talk, anyway. Same for listening for 20 minutes to summarize in 5 minutes...it's like being in high school, focused on remembering rather than content...lol.
What I was thinking was how much the act of doing the exercises counted for me...not the content...though being shared with and sharing, in total safety (there are rules to follow), was really cool, too. It was like an act of trust...DH would say, "Oh, man...okay." And then do it. Reminded me he was doing it...for the marriage. And then I noticed...hey, so am I! Not easy...even now, we do them once in awhile, when we miss the intimacy...of just being. I found rubbing his feet when he was the speaker helped me listen. LOL.
We used them as part of our 15 hours requirement...I really believe in structure when we feel emotionally messy.
I don't get the staying around for a rant part...I see that as a boundary thing...not a WS thing.
LA
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