OK i understand................dont know how it just came and hit me like that. outa the blue.

MM sorry that you are freezing your Katushi off......

dont ask what " katushi" is .i just made that up.


LG.like you said......... .i will chill.

I am afraid that it might hit me at a time when i am with WW .....i wouldnt want that.

Do we go through this phase too? is this part of the greiving process?

LOL

LG,

I think you could sneak a few Elaine moves in while you were Dosadoing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

~ Marsh

LOL

I think my katushi is the only part of me that's NOT cold! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />

~ Marsh

NC:

Like I said earlier about the mangy dog that died. Your WS is hurting, both about the pain of losing OM, and about what she did to you and your M. You want to nuture her feeling for you and the hurt she caused, and to show her that the pain of OM can be cured by you. As Marsh says, you should let her hurt, but you can let her know that you are the way out of this....



Unh, Marsh, I think I want to keep the Elaine stuff to myself, as flying elbows can hurt.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

so here is a question.....what if you just found out that they do talk to each other on the office phone.....then what?

i feel like laying down an ultimatum.......like saying : its either him or our family.....who is it going to be?

feel so much like a damn FOOL..i am such an idiot!

i dont even want to see her.

Don't LB, just lay out your boundaries, and how is she going to prove that she isn't calling him from her work phone again. That is why she is stuck in withdrawal because she keeps getting her fix occasionally. I would let the office know of her personal calls on her work phone. Does OM work with your wife? I'm sorry about this NC, but you need to calm down.

Did you?

Do you know this for sure?

~ Marsh

Yeah.......she told her sister that she "occassionally calls the OMor vice,verca....."

State my boundary? to ****** with that!

She better NOT bother me tonite! I want to STAY FAAR AWAY FROM HER ..very far........guys i am sorry.

I just cant see her now.

I AM SO UPSET!!!!

(with myself)

Then stay away from her. Take your son and go away for the weekend without her.

Or, if you can leave your son with her, then go alone. Don't tell her where you're going, just that you need some time alone.

Does she know you know?

Ultimatums are inappropriate if they're bluffs. Don't bluff. If it's not a bluff, and you are certain it's what you want 2 do, then...

...but only if you're ready for plan B (or this warrants that, and I don't think it does necessarily. But it might).

-ol' 2long

2long.....i guessi need some time away from her.........

That sucks, NC.

Have you considered doing plan B?

You certainly have done a stellar Plan A.

Maybe it's time you asked her to leave until she is agrees to NC...

~ Marsh

Can you do that, NC?

Can you take yourself and your son away for the weekend?

~ Marsh

dont know what to think now....... how can a WS be so cruel.

why do they do this?

I will NEVER trust lik that again.

sorry guys i am coming off the boards.just about crying noow...i just cant belierve oti t iit.

(((((((nc)))))))

It sucks when things feel like they're going so great, then a big wave comes along and smashes into you. Makes it so hard to keep yourself together.

But times like this, when our instincts and feelings are destructive, are when it saves our BS butts to remember all the stuff we've learned here.

Like:
We ACT, not REACT. And we act based on our code and our plan, not on feelings and not the WS's actions, because feelings change and WS's are insane.

and:
The WS's actions are their own, and not about you. How many times have we heard the junkie description? Her calls to the dealer are not about you or about hurting you or the M -- they are about getting her fix. Making it personal, an attack on you or the M, just causes you more pain. Can't tell you how many times LA has told me to "halve the pain" and quit inflicting my part of it on myself.


I think you're smart right now to not confront her immediately on this. Get your breath back and your head back and then make a plan. But don't react right now.

Hang in there. You've come SO far.

-AmI.

NC - I know you are gone now, but when you check back:

Call OMW and tell her - let her help with this fight.

Tell your wife what her friend told you about you being the right one and that she is waiting for you to leave. I would state it like this:

If I am the one you wnat now then why are you still calling OM? I will not take continued over stepping by bounaries. I'm here to work on our M now, but I will not be here forever like this.


I'll be checking over the weekend for you.

((((NC))))

M2L

NC,

I know you are hurting greatly right now...please do not direct your anger at yourself...you DID NOT cross any boundaries...she did.

Do not attack yourself.

State the truth. "I know you are in contact with OM. Contact continues your affair. I respect you know you are choosing to continue your affair and attack our marriage. I feel wiped out inside, gut-wrenched and incredibly angry right now."

Then remove yourself, as advised, for the weekend...consider Plan B...without a NC letter and transparency, you know you won't get through withdrawal (every contact restarts it) to recovery. You're worth recoverying with, NC. You are.

You cannot control anything about your WW...that's hers.

Please do not hurt yourself for being duped...you weren't. You went with your gut and found out...that's courage in the face of fear. You're brave. Know this. Her choices are NOT about you. They are about her--her alone.

Listen to M2L and update OMW about contact. You are fighting for your marriage...fighting the good fight. Remember that. This says nothing about who you really are...what you do, does.

LA