NC,

Why do you continue to cross her boundaries?

If she wants to be tormented, LET HER!

HER CHOICE!

She keeps telling you it's HER stuff, but you aren't listening.

Stay w/ YOUR stuff.

Why do you think you can fix her?

Why don't you want to expose?

~ Marsh

NC this is getting old

My wife told me about 3 months ago that I was handling my part my way and that she needs to handle her part her way and don't push her. I backed off and watched for contact.

-I feel like both of our ww know what they did was wrong.

-They got in over their heads. By that I mean that they feel or felt that love thing for the OM.

- A woman must feel love in order to do what they did or how they acted with OM and therefor they must feel no love for their H. I think I would feel like this if I had an A.

- Now the A is over, but how to come back into the M feeling wise and then having to deal with the hurt H and damaged family.

the last one is where my wife is getting stuck I think. Sounds like yous too NC. I don't know the way out right now, but I can hold your hand (in a manly way if there is one) and vent with you.

M2L

LOL.........

the last one is where my wife is getting stuck I think. Sounds like yous too NC. I don't know the way out right now, but I can hold your hand (in a manly way if there is one) and vent with you.

LMAO!!!!!


MM..i am tired of the exposure now i will again i know that but i cannot deal with it now.

My WW keeps telling me that she is a (#^& and she knows it.

I cannot find contact.....just going from what SIL told me.

She hates what WW is doing now.

MM wy WW sounded normal this morning till i told her that we needed to talk........

yes i crossed her boundary.

Yes she wants to stay (she said that when i am ready to kick her out and waiting for me to bring it up{A} 10 years from now.) yadda ,yadda.

gee.i didnt see it....yes i wanted to fix things *me looking out for mimi with 2x4 in hand*

i need to be still and pray to god.

We did spen the whole day sunday together though.

It was a good time.

When she says that she want to work through things herself and you are pushing her I would counter with the following.

I'm not trying to push you, I am trying to help you. I needed help to get through my issues. There is nothing wrong with asking for help. All I want is to have a happy marriage. Do you want that as well? I know we can, but we have to work on it together. I love you, and we'll get through this.

It sounds to me that she knows she needs help, but is so stubborn that she refuses to accept it. My WW is the same way. You just have to be patient.

NC NC NC NC - I'M YELLING TO YOU - not at you.

Your wife wants you

your wife want to stay

your wife doen't like the person she is - a #^$%&*(

your wife sounded normal this AM

Sunday was a good time.

Man I feel you are so close to having your wife. Heres that but. But she is having a hard time letting go of OM and that feeling that she HAD. She misses that feeling. Man I know that. My wife has told me that she misses that feeling. I keep telling her that she will be happy again one day. I don't spend much time on our R - too much pressure.

Yes I think you need to give you ww I statements like:

I am hurt that you are still talking to OM.

I will not stand for continued contact - that is one of my bounaries.

I will listend to you talk about your lost and hurt feelings instead of talking to OM about them.

One last thing - your ww keeps saying that you can tell her to leave anytime and she will understand. Tell her that if you were going to do that you would have left right after dday.

M2L

One more thing

I am back on my own thread right now. Too much going on here at this time.

M2L

Fantastic post, M2L!

Just one thing......



He's not ready to state that is one of his boundaries b/c he won't enforce it.

But, he can say,

"I am trying to be patient about your continued contact w/ OM, but my patience will not last forever."

~ Marsh

MM i feel humbled that you are walking with me too. Sorry idf i seem like a wimp now, just bearly hanging on.

Thankyou for understanding.

Please don't DJ yourself, NC.

I don't think you're a wimp.

Far from it!

I think you're a terrific man...an honorable man, who hasn't yet tasted his full power b/c he's spending too much time trying to exert power where he has none.

Focus on YOU and on what is in YOUR power to control.

Every day your WW chooses to live w/ you and share herself w/ you is a day that she has choosen you and her marriage.

Concentrate on THAT.

Today she chooses YOU.

Today You choose HER.

Stay there...and don't worry about tomorrow.

Enjoy today w/ her.

Stay present.

Stay in your own stuff.

~ Marsh

Thanks for the tonnes of encouragement!!!!!!!!!!!

great! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Luv u all!!

To the Ms (MM and M2L,[dont feel left outJ95])

thank you.

NC,

Just popping in to say Hello. I don't really have any advice to offer other than to reinforce the good advice you are getting. I have so much trouble keeping the focus on me. I'm a fixer, that's what I do, what I have always done. If someone is sad, I feel compelled to cheer them up. I am learning that there is a difference between letting them know that my support is available IF they want it and trying to do something for them that they need to do themselves.

So I am working on open and honest statements, keeping the focus on me. Taking one day at a time. We're here doing it together.

Off topic: "And the weather is....?"

Nevermind, don't tell me. I really don't want to know <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LiZZIE!!!!!!...it is COLD HERE! imagine we are dipping into the 60's now(degrees).

Overcast for most of the day and little to no sun.

country is generally in a sleepy mood when ever this happens. So you can imagine me trying to stay awake.

Glad you could relate to me being a "fixer". We will get it yet....(how NOT to try fix people).

This morning is more sunny and warm now........(Hi Lizzie and M2L)

Well WW and i wrapped presents last night and went to bed. This morning i "Took care" of WW needs and let it at that point (Never felt anything for WW) got us prepared and before we left, WW asked me to dance in the middle of Nat King's "Chestnuts on open fire". It was good, till DS wanted to join the dance too.

We got out of the house and on our way to work WW was singing part of Shanice song "crying"......i messed me up inside, because i dont know :1) was it for me [ i think not] and ,2) the words matched OM dumpiing her and she thinking of him everyday(its in the song).

I am aware that i cant fix her or tell her that it is inappropriate......so i leave it alone.(focus on self..i remember)

Its just that it hurts when these "little things" keep popping up.

Well i was quiet the whole morning and when i left the car, i kissed her and said later.

Notice that she is still wearing her GF ring though on the married finger.

Can any FWS relate to the singing of songs by my WS? is it normal?

Hi mimi,MM,J95 and 2long.........take care of yourselves

Just keeping a journal here.

Why is she still wearing the GF ring at all? This is total disrespect IMO. Could a boundary be that you will not go out with her if she insists on wearing that GF ring?

HP hello!,

Glad you could pop by. How are you?

well GF ring is ok with me. b/c it is also a friend of mine and we just met up again recently. she is not wearing he wedding ring about 3 weeks after A with OM.

She told me about 2 weeks ago that she wanted to go get a new set of rings to put on and actually caught her in a jewellery store, she said she was in the area before so i should meet her nearby. When she saw me she pointed at me and said never to ask any question or go there to inquire.

I let it rest.

I think (hope not DJ here) that she putting a ring from our friend on finger and actually point it out to me is probably her trying to show some form of view as "not being on the market"

i may of course be wrong.

She is fired up about us going out to the malls all weekend 22-24 shopping blitz. I suggested it to her and she was estatic....

She said another friend of ours whose H died called her up and ask about the weekend. to overnight it. I said that "I" (see i can use the letter " I" too)was feeling quite honestly insecure about the overnight thing (A happened during laspes like this)

later WW called back and said that her office party is on the same saturday as our friend request,so she cannot go, neither did she want to remind our friend about her request for WW to overnight it at her.

I think to self....hmmmmmm, maybe that is a good sign. I am still plan Aing the heck outa her and now slowly calling her on any boundary that she may cross.......am i too slow? yes.
But last night she was being miserable and just plain bitc*** so i gently called her on it in a joking way asking her why is she being so miserable.....slowly she conceeded and changed her demeanor.

Slow and gentle for me.

she flopping though all over the place with her feelings. One minute the mother and friend i know,.the next a fogged out WW without any excuse for behaving the way she is (cant blame me in plan A mode.aha!)

anyway.......slow and easy does it.

I am growing though from it....

alot of my friends are commenting about the change on life that i have and the mature outlook and insight.

I guess some "good" can come from adversity.

Nuff luv. (translation: nuff= abundant, plentiful and Luv=love; jamaican language 101)

NC,

How far are you into your recovery? I've been in recovery since 11/8. There was one slip up after that, but it didn't set us back too far. I think this is going to be a 6 month deal for me (gag). I can slowly see some changes. Right now she isn't repulsed by me anymore, and actually somewhat enjoys hanging out with me now. She still tells me she doesn't know if she wants to be married. I assume she does because she stayed with me, and she is just waiting to feel feelings for me again. I think that I've finally got her love bank out of a negative balance and back to a positive one. That took about a month. Yesterday I sent her flowers at work with a card that read, "There doesn't need to be a special occasion to say I love you." (I know, I'm a pimp.) She didn't make a big deal of it when she got home (as expected), but she is leaving it at work all week (I think she wants to show it off in front of the other women at work). The thing that gets me through is that I KNOW that we'll be fine if I just keep plugging along. My love bank was at a negative balance as well, but I prayed to God and He made an emergency deposit and has been giving me financial help ever since to tide me over until the WW finally commits. Keep the faith, NC and M2L. I can see your progress, and I KNOW your marriages will survive (although it might take more time than you would like).

You pimp.LOL..............hey jim. Your W is truly lucky to have you.

Wait until she wakes up........youre gonna be in some seroius love troubles (viagra is not going to help you)

Jim thanks for the encouragement....sometimes it is hard to see the changes, guess we (M2 and myself) got caught up in the setbacks and negatives of what is happening.

Jamming here and hanging tough.

J95 have a good one today.

If you guys could compare your sitch's to the other misery-filled stories I've seen on this site, ya'll are doing quite well. Be patient, things seem to be working for you guys.

That's what I keep telling them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hey BD49,

How are ya?

Whats your location? feel free to pop in and spend time kicking back and relax. You know ....you are right, i should be greatful.first to God then to my family here at MB. My secret is realizing that God is in control......and i OFTEN FORGET THIS.

The wisdom here on the boards are nothing short of heaven sent.....we learn to become better and to love inspite of. and most important...we are NOT ALONE.

BD thanks for reminding me that i need to be greatful constantly. Thanks.

Any body seen my sisters Mimi, MM and LA?

are they up to trouble again.

shout out to lizzie!

who was it that said a schitzophrenic cat and confused WS have in common?

both go Woof! (Dont try to understand them...its impossible!)