It started about 3 months ago when a mutual friend of my husbands and me found out her boyfriend cheated on her. she came to my husband to talk and he was there for her 100%. At first i didn't bug me but the closer they got and the more he was there for her it made me realize he isn't there for me half as much as he is for her. A couple of weeks later she had a wedding to go ot nad my husband offered to taker her I wasn't comfortable with that and we ended up getting in a huge fight about it off and on for a week. He would tell me he wouldn't go but tell her he still is finally he told me I had to tell her he couldn't go which I did . All that did was push them closer together. They would talk 3 or more times a day they would text all day. I started to read his text messages and they would flirt all the time usually my husband iniatited it. he would ask what she was wearing saying he wont seduce her unless she wants him too and inviting her to hotels when hes supposed to be getting away to think (he nevr went away). One time I had found out he lied to me about going to see her he had told me that he was going for coffee with a friend named bruce after work but he went to see her instead. I was very hurt and have had little trust in him since.

She told me that she had feelings for my husband but she'd never act on them. The next day I had to go to school and she was there I felt sick to my stomach leaving. I texted him and asked if he had fellings for her. He said yes but he would never act on them. I left class and called him said we need to talk plase mekae suer she's not there when i get home. Well she was she wouldnt leave and for some reason my husband wouldnt ask her to leave. When we finally talked he said he wouldnt stop talking to her but he would stop seeing her. Which as far as i know he has done. but they still talk all the time he told me that night he understands how i feel and made seem like he was aggreeing with me but sent text messages to her saying her agrees with her that im being nerotic and over reacting.

the other night i was watching the simpsons and marge was having an emotional affair with moe and i realized that my husband was also having an emotional affair. i went online to read more about it and when i knew he was i talked to him and showed him the web sites. All he kept saying was their just friends hes not having an emotional affair and gets nad and starts yelling at me if i bring it up more.

I don't know what to do anymore I'm at the point where i just want to give up on us. I don't feel that he cares how this is affecting me. I'm just completley lost. [color:"black"] [/color]

Tasha,

Welc0me t0 Marriage Builders.

I'm s0rry ab0ut y0ur situati0n. Y0u are right t0 be c0ncerned. An EA is N0T a friendship... it IS adultery. Furtherm0re if their relati0nship c0ntinues they will turn it int0 a PA. If they haven't already.

Y0u must insist that he have n0 further c0ntact 0f any kind w/ this w0man ever again. Peri0d. The end.

The reas0n he gets angry when y0u suggest this is b/c he's addicted t0 the A and d0esn't want t0 cut it 0ff.

If he is unwilling t0 cut it 0ff then y0u'll need t0 exp0se what they are d0ing t0 0thers. D0n't tell him that y0u will exp0se their A. When y0u are ready t0 and understand wh0 sh0uld be t0ld and what sh0uld be said then y0u d0 it. But d0 N0T tell him what y0u are planning t0 d0.

Keep reading and p0sting.

~ Marsh

PS: I had an EA that was n0t JUST a friendship. I th0ught I was in l0ve w/ the 0M.

Here's a p0st L0ngh0rn made...


A Strategic Plan For Newly Betrayed Spouses:

Lately, a lot of new betrayed spouses have come here to MB and their posts show they don’t have any idea of what to do next. Dr. Harley’s overall plan is clear to anyone who reads Surviving An Affair and reads the various threads out here, but it’s hard to take everything in all at once. I hope this will give newly arrived MB’ers a place to start. I’m open to comments and all kinds of constructive criticism. Y’all let me know where I’ve strayed off message and I’ll edit, okay?


***********************************************************************

To The Newly Betrayed Spouse:

It is sad to see you here because the reason you've come is your spouse is committing adultery. The good news is you can rescue your marriage and even make it better than it was before. It takes hard work, sacrifice, time, and a huge measure of patience, but you’ve taken the most important step already by coming to MarriageBuilders.com (MB). Welcome, betrayed spouse.

You’re confused, shocked to the core and your pain is terrible. We know. Most of the folks here on MB have gone through exactly what you are facing now. Those experienced folks have used MB principles to get through this and know those precepts work.

The curious thing is that most adulteries resemble each other very, very closely. The words your wayward spouse will use, his or her actions, attitudes, and indeed, the things they believe they are experiencing are all almost exactly what other wayward spouses have done before them. That similarity allows for a general plan, like the one below, to work again and again with a minimum of tinkering.

A good thing to do is start a journal to record everything that happens from this moment forward. Make particular note of the times your wayward spouse spends away from your home and your children, the times you can document he or she is with the other person, the times WS went out for unexplained reasons, worked undocumented overtime, etc., etc. Add (dated) entries to your journal at regular intervals, if not daily. It should be a physical one (a wire-bound notebook works just fine) as opposed to a virtual one. Write it out neatly in longhand. Be factual and include times and dates.

Partners in adultery think the little fantasy world they’ve built up is wonderful place, always warm and rosy, special, and incredibly unique. Wayward spouses speak the same language and what one says, another will sooner or later. “If you think our problems have anything to do with her/him, you’re badly mistaken,” is an oldie, but goodie.

There may be something about having found their soul mate, the one they’ve been searching for all their life. Oh…by the way…they’ve never been happy with you. They’ll tell you that. Guess what? The marriage with you has been a sham for the last (insert number) years…or, sometimes, since the beginning. Here’s one that spews from their mouth quite often. “I never loved you…or haven’t loved you for (insert number of years)…. but I want to stay friends with you so the children won’t be hurt.”

Since you love the wayward spouse--you married him or her, after all--you should see their happiness is paramount and undeniable. You need to help them with the adultery, not hinder it. They will actually be upset when you don’t.

Any of that sound familiar? You may have heard it already. If not, you almost certainly will sooner or later.

Think of your spouse in his or her present condition as someone who has been absorbed by an alien from a mother ship hovering over your hometown. Aliens have only rudimentary skills at thinking, you know. There’s no reasoning with them right now. No amount of explanation from you on how wrong he or she is about your past marriage will sink in. Don’t bother trying.

Your spouse will pile lies on top of lies whenever you ask anything about what is going on. Expect it. Get used to it. It’s what adulterers do; it’s the only way such an obscene thing as infidelity can be carried on. Your spouse will, as Grandma used to say, lie when the truth would serve them better.

The first thing you need to do is order the book Surviving An Affair (SAA) by Dr. Willard Harley. When you get it, study it well. Don’t just read it--study it. There are articles here on MB excerpted from the book and they are excellent reads. They can be found in the “Most Popular Links” in the upper right of every MB page.


********

Important note: Counseling with the Harleys is available from links on the website. Your best source of a comprehensive, detailed plan customized just for you will be from them. If you can afford it, do it.

********

If you cannot, there are things you can do while you wait for the book. Most importantly, you can begin drafting a plan for marital recovery. SAA will help you do exactly that. There are a few essentials you can begin working on while you wait for that book to be delivered. Here is a summary of the things that should be part of your plan.

Step 1: Military-grade operation to develop intelligence on whether your spouse is involved in an adulterous relationship. There is a thread out here on MB dedicated to exactly that.

Your spouse may have already admitted to committing adultery. You might think this step is unnecessary. Don’t be fooled. If you don’t pay close attention, the adultery will continue long after he or she promises on a stack of Bibles it is over.

What you need to do is gather enough evidence to convince yourself your spouse is committing adultery. It doesn’t have to be much, just concrete enough to show you what is happening. You're not going to trial with rules of evidence; don’t let your spouse talk you into a standard that doesn't apply.

If you need more information, consider reviewing cell phone records, Instant Messaging history, place a digital recorder in your spouse’s car, near home phones, or places your spouse likes to go to take private calls, etc. If you feel you need more and you can afford it, a private investigator can gather a lot of irrefutable proof in a short period.

Step 2: Confront your wayward spouse with the fact you know about the adultery and ask your spouse to stop. Generally speaking, you don’t explain how you know though you will have to give out a couple of facts that will strike a chord with them. They don't have to admit it, many do not, but deep down inside, they need to know they've been busted. You’ll see it in their eyes.

If you know of dates and times where they've met, confront your spouse with that information. If you can imply you know that because the two of them were seen, rather than telling them you actually read in one of their emails, that's all that much better. If you show your wayward spouse those emails (for instance), you've just educated him or her on one breach in the secrecy surrounding the adultery. The wayward spouse will learn and be able to hide the adultery from that point forward much better. Don’t give them that advantage.

In a very few instances, this is all that will be necessary to bring your spouse back home and recommit to the marriage. Usually though, it doesn’t work that smoothly. You’ll hear the “we’re just friends,” phrase a lot of times, along with implications you’re insane to even think such a thing of your loving spouse (it’s called gaslighting, FYI), and denials piled high on denials.

What you have to get across to your wayward spouse is that you have some “boundaries” that aren’t open for debate. The most important is the wayward spouse must break off the relationship and must agree to complete “no contact” (NC) ever again…that means never, period…with the other person (OP). A second might be the wayward spouse finds work in a different company (if the adultery is with a co-worker). Another probably will include couples counseling. Still another should be to read SAA with you and apply the marital recovery techniques (Rules of Protection) in the last half of that book.

Step 3: Since your wayward spouse has not admitted to the infidelity, it’s necessary to expose the existence of the adultery to everyone who can put pressure on the adultery and influence the partners in adultery to end their relationship. You need to begin work now to develop that list. The list may include some or all of the following. It may also include people not on this sample list.

A. If the person your spouse is involved with is married, His or her spouse must be told of the adultery even if your spouse actually terminates the affair and enthusiastically begins to labor long and hard on your marriage the instant you find out about the adultery. The other person’s spouse (OPS) has the right to address the problems in their own marriage.
B. Your spouse’s parents and sometimes your spouse's siblings. Parents can place tremendous pressure on their adulterous offspring. On occasion, they take their children’s part and choose to ignore the adultery, but they often become strong allies in breaking it up.
C. Your children. Guess what? Kids as young as four see and hear…and understand…far more than you think they do. D r. Harley has stressed the importance of making sure children know mom or dad is behaving inappropriately but that mom and dad still love the child. The child must know he or she is NOT the cause of all the tension in the household.
D. Your family. You need allies who can put pressure on the adultery and your family members can do that. They may be able to add nothing more than disapproving glances, but that pressure mounts up.
E. Friends of the family. Same reason as above.
F. Your spouse’s co-workers if the adultery is an “office affair.” (I hate the word affair. It makes a slimy, squalid thing seem less offensive.) Co-workers can apply lots of pressure. They may have suspected before you exposed to them. Now they know for certain.
G. Again, if the adultery began in the office, expose to the spouse’s boss or Human Resources Director. The company may have a policy on inappropriate relationships. If one partner or the other is a supervisor, the company can directly influence the adultery and make it impossible for it to continue.
H. Your pastor or priest. These individuals have tremendous influence in your wayward spouse’s life. Make them your allies.
I. Officers and members of professional associations and social organizations your spouse is in. Few of these tolerate moral turpitude in their membership. Use that to your advantage.
J. Anyone else who can reasonably be expected to be able to put pressure on the adulterous relationship.

Exposure is THE strongest weapon you have at your disposal to smash the adultery. Adultery is part disrespect, part deceit, and part fantasy. It exists in the darkness under rocks. Turn the rock over, shine a brilliant spotlight on the seamy underside, and the roaches begin to scurry away. The lies that are a part of every adultery are revealed for what they are and the fantasy world that includes just the two adultery partners begins to shatter. USE exposure.

When you have your list ready, go to each person and sit down with him or her if you can. It’s good for them to see you troubled, but very calm and steady. It’s very important to be under control. Many wayward spouses will immediately try to gaslight their betrayed spouses and will swear to everyone around the betrayed one is demented to even think the wayward spouse would actually sneak around behind your back. Take a deep breath and launch into a description of what has intruded into your marriage. Don’t wait for the perfect time and place, or the magic words to use. They’ll never come. Don’t tell your spouse you’re going to do expose the obscene adultery to your prospective allies. Just do it.

Oh, by the way, your wayward spouse will be absolutely furious. He or she will shriek imprecations at you, swear he/she was going to work on the marriage but now...oh, boy...now they wouldn't have anything to do with you if you were the last person on the face of the planet, etc. It's all bluster, noise, and drama. They are pissed off because you’ve wrecked the perfect little fantasy world they’ve been indulging themselves with. Let them rant and rave. It means nothing because you know where it’s coming from. Spouses sometimes do leave at this point for a while. If they do, you do NOT support their separate lifestyle in any way. If they leave, the almost invariably come back very quickly because their fantasy isn't supportable without your help.

Look, the purpose of exposure is to bust up the adultery. You are not doing this out of spite; you are not vengeful. Your spouse will see it as such, but it is not. Do not decline to expose because of the embarrassment you may feel about the adultery, and certainly don’t refuse to expose because it might embarrass your spouse.

Important Note: Do NOT shield your spouse from the consequences of his or her adultery. If you do, you give your spouse time and space to reignite the adultery and continue it better hidden than before. If you skip exposure, based on a misplaced “respect” or something that sounds equally noble, you will be condoning the disrespect your spouse has shown the marriage, your children, and you. Remember, adulteries thrive in the darkness. They are fed by lies and deceit. By shining the blinding light of exposure on the adultery, you force everything into sharp focus. The relationship begins to whither.

Step 4: You’ve studied Plan A by now. You know about Love Busters (LB), Disrespectful Judgments (DJ), etc. If the confrontation didn’t end the affair and exposure hasn’t either, Plan A gives you the opportunity to work on yourself and the marriage to show the adulterous spouse what a marriage with you could be like.

By the way, betrayed spouse, your marriage may not have been perfect before. That doesn’t in any way justify the affair. You did NOT cause the affair, but you may not have done everything you could have done to prevent it.

So Plan A lets you work on things you don’t like about yourself. Maybe you’ve put on those extra pounds and you know you’re not as attractive to your spouse as you once were. In Plan A, you begin those workouts you’ve been putting off forever. Your temper gets the best of you sometimes? Find some anger management seminars and learn to control it. You have no way to express yourself? Take up painting, plant a garden, work on your tennis/golf game, start writing that great American novel you know is inside you…whatever.

While you’re working on you, you do nothing to make things worse with your spouse. You don’t even talk relationship with your spouse in this time if he or she doesn't want to. This plan is partly designed to show your spouse you can be one heck of a partner in a revitalized marriage. They will see…but don’t expect kudos from them. Actually, they’ll be more inclined to say something like “I don’t trust these sudden changes. They won’t last.” Another one can be paraphrased as “too little, too late.” Don’t worry about their reluctance to recognize the new you. In their fantasy world, they don’t know what’s good for them and no amount of reasoning will bring them to understand it. Don’t try.

Plan A is a process that has a definite time limit. You do not explain that to your wayward spouse, but you have to decide on a time frame to work on you and show your spouse how good it could be. Women typically work Plan A for about 3 months; men do a Plan A for about 6 months.

Step 5: Plan A sometimes works. Dr. Harley says it doesn’t 85% of the time. Therefore, a Plan A is usually, logically, followed by Plan B. The temptation is to skip Plan A and go straight to Plan B. That doesn’t work in the overwhelming number of cases. You have to build a basis for Plan B so the wayward spouse finds out what he or she will be missing.

In Plan B, you cut off all communication with your wayward spouse. Having shown them how wonderful a person you can be as a marriage partner, you remove yourself from their lives to show them how bad it is out there without you. In Plan A, fence-sitting is almost unavoidable. Your wayward spouse gets some of their emotional needs met by you and others met by the other person. In Plan B, you suddenly, and completely, stop providing those needs you had been filling for your spouse. When they aren’t being met, it increases strife in that fantasy world your spouse and his or her partner in adultery have in common with only each other. Strife begets pressure. Pressure begets unhappiness. Unhappiness begets separation…and you win.

Plan B may require a legal separation or the equivalent in your state. Discuss your needs with an attorney. Get a good one. You need a bull dog to represent you, not someone who goes with the flow.

At this point, if you have not already done so, you need to separate your finances from your wayward spouse’s. Safeguarding your financial situation and making sure your assets cannot be looted by a wayward spouse still in the fog is different for everyone but here are some suggestions.

You can have the current joint credit cards cancelled and new ones issued only in your name. You need to make sure the WS can't drain checking & savings accounts. You might need to establish checking accounts the WS cannot access. Make sure you have access to enough cash/assets to pay the bills, etc. Powers of attorney might need to be looked at, if any are currently in effect. Don’t agree to any new obligations, new second mortgages, new cars, commit to paying WS’s expenses, etc., etc.

Plan B may last as long as another eighteen months.

Step 6: There are no guarantees in life. Sometimes all that you can do doesn’t result in your wayward spouse returning home, becoming repentant, and agreeing to work hard on the marriage. That’s sad, but it’s a fact.

Dr. Harley’s plan has an excellent chance of working if it is applied in a narrow window of opportunity you have after discovery to break up the affair and win your spouse back. Sometimes, though, the wayward spouse becomes entrenched in their adultery and never comes out of the fog.

If, by the end of the second year after confrontation and exposure, your WS hasn’t come home and agreed to work on the marriage, you may have to implement Plan D, a divorce. Sometimes, regretfully, you have to cut your losses and protect yourself and your children. All of us out here sincerely hope it won’t come to this, but it does happen. If it does though, you will have the comfort of knowing you did everything humanly possible to salvage your marriage. You will be able to hold your head high.


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The pros out here on MB are here for no other reason than to help you through this. Most have already gone through what you are just starting and they have come out the other side whole and better than they were before. It can be done and they’ll show you how. You’ll have their help as a support group and the advantage of their expertise.

Are you strong enough to do it? Good. Then get to work. We’re with you.

Here's an0ther 0ne fr0m a p0ster named WAT........



To new betrayed spouses. I hope you are fortunate to find this site early - which means before you have a chance to go too far down the wrong path in dealing with your new challenge.

I'll offer you what I call WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses. Think of it sorta like affair First Aid, or a life preserver - not the answers, just something to help in the initial confusion.

This fills a void I think that exists for guidance in the early stages of an affair when most are caught off guard and feel hopeless. This comes from my personal experience and from the descriptions of many other betrayed spouses I have read about for many months. I believe this to be consistent with Marriage Builders principles, but I acknowledge I am an amateur and no one should act on this advice alone.

OK, here it is:

WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses

Rule 1: Don't try to make sense out of what's happening. You are not dealing with rational people, so your normal thought processes won't work. This is exactly why you're confused. Your spouse will act as if he/she has been abducted by aliens and had their brains scrambled. Just watch and don't take any of this personally. If you can do it calmly, confront your spouse with any solid evidence you have of the affair, but expect denials and lies beyond belief.

Rule 2: Don't be in a hurry. There is little, if anything, you can directly do to separate the affairees. They have to do this on their own. The affair will end. To hasten it's end, do not interfere with it. The fact is that there may be almost nothing you can do right now to make it better but there is a WHOLE LOT you can do to make it worse. On the other hand, there is a LOT you can do indirectly to compel the affairees to end the affair on their own. Read this post and all its responses: On revealing the affair to the light of day

Rule 3: All snooping is good and necessary - but be ready for an ANGRY reaction if your snooping is detected. Refer to Rule 1. Think NOT of snooping as disrespectful spying, but as necessary affair research. If caught, you will be accused of "invading my privacy!" Respond, "No, I was revealing your secrecy." In some cases, contacting the OP may be beneficial, but in other cases, a disaster. Read this post and all it's responses: On contacting the OP

Rule 4: Don't beat yourself up for "causing" the affair. You are partly responsible for creating the environment which made the affair possible, and you need to examine yourself critically to see what changes you need to make, but you are NOT responsible for your spouse's decision to have an affair. Nonetheless, your wayward spouse will likely accuse you of all sorts of misdeeds, rewrite your marital history exaggerating trivial issues, and shift blame to you in their attempt to lessen their guilt and justify their decisions. In affairs, culprits abound except in the mirror.

Rule 5: This will likely be the worst experience of your life. You are a prime candidate for depression, so see a doctor if you feel like you're having difficulty coping. You may need anti-depressants. You are also a prime candidate for your own affair. DON'T DO IT!

Rule 6: Do not recruit your spouse's family in an attempt to "help." If they ask questions, answer honestly, but in the long run, do not expect their support - if you get it anyway, consider it a bonus. Blood IS thicker than mud. Read this post and all its responses: On involving/informing the WS's family

Rule 7: Do not expect too much right away from the wayward spouse even if they have already ended the affair. It may feel like you are they only one who is trying to save the marriage. You are not a doormat, just a loving, faithful spouse.

Rule 8: You will be told by well intending "advisors" to "Throw him/her out!!!" or, "Say good bye and don't look back!!" Instead of following this advice, learn everything you can from books, websites like this one, and counselors about the ways to find the silver lining in this cloud. Seek advice as soon as possible.

Rule 9: In ongoing affairs, if your spouse's OP is also married, consider informing the OP's spouse if you know their identity. The purpose for this is to reveal the affair on the other side which may motivate the OP to end it. This should not be done without guidance. Read this post and all its responses: On informing OP's spouse of the affair

Rule 10: Your situation is not likely to be unique. The actions and statements of affairees are surprisingly similar. You can gain understanding and support from just about anybody else who has experienced an affair.

WAT

Tasha:

Y0u might want t0 pick up N0t Just Friends .

http://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Relationship-Infidelity/dp/074322549X

Marshmallow... PLEEEASSE.. use cut-n-paste instead of 0.
you can even cut-n-paste it from your own login name, eh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

then just control-v when you need to use the letter 'o'

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Cut and paste all my 0's? Y0u're kidding me right? L0L

C0ntr0l-v? huh?

I'm g0ing t0 buy a new key b0ard. I think that will be easier b/c 0ther keys are sticking t00. My peri0d key, my L key, my c0mma key are all effed up t00. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

~ Marsh

OK Let's start the "Buy Marsh a new keyboard fund" Any takers?

LMA0!!!!

Y0u guys are shaming me here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Larry t0ld me I c0uld buy 0ne at Walmart f0r ten bucks.

My typing can't ann0y y0u guys m0re than it d0es me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

~ Marsh

wanna bet Marsh?