Good day and hope too all, (skip first paragraph, just for people that remember me)

First short update, I’m almost finished with my degree. I have a good job. Good group of friends so that I have not been alone since my D Day, found loads of hobbies and sport (my weight index is 10, 4% after I had to pick weight up because of the A diet). WW now ExW and OM is not together any more. ExW is keeping contact with me and wants to ¨get together again¨ but this has been too long for me, I still try to help her where I can.
I have tried the dating thing but it seems there is more games now then there where when I was dating before so not ready yet. I will spend December in China and January to August in Thailand (University exchange).

Now the problem, I made some good work friends. Two of these are best friends and they are neighbors (guys). One of them is in a relationship for 10 years and he will ask her to get engaged this week. Out of my experience I knew there was something not right, and I walked in on the girl and best friend. They told me it was because of alcohol…..yeah right. I tried to help by giving my book( surviving an affair) to her….she gave it back after 2 weeks saying that she is afraid her boyfriend would find it….But it is still going on, I walked in on them again….I could ring their necks because I know what is going to happen.

Long story short: What should I do the BS is a really great guy he is one of those people that one wished you have known all your life, we are working for a military contractor and this will break our department up as we are a close ¨family¨. The 2 friends drive to work, have same hobbies and in the same work project. Not if but when this come out BS will be hurt that every body knows and ¨did¨ nothing. I would like to keep his friendship but the other 2 I have no time for.

You have helped me a lot in my time of crisis and I would appreciate you help in this matter. For all the new and sad people, there will be light in the end….My WW did come out of the fog but it came too late for me. WW did say that all the nice things BS do and say will be noticed and remembered but it will be deep under the fog. Like all the people here are saying they all do the same as if they have the same hand book on how to be unfaithful.

Van.

(O yes and Exw called me to warn me that OM might cause problems for me I should be careful, So this is what she left me for……)

You know what to do here friend.

What would you have wanted had someone walked in on your wife and OM in the same fashion?

Not hard to figure out here.

Van,

I know it will be difficult to tell your friend and to watch his pain and devastation...and you're probably afraid telling him will "ruin" the friendship because he might not belief you at first; the GF and "best" friend might deny everything and call you a liar, trouble-maker etc., but in spite of all this, telling him WILL be the right, decent & moral thing to do and you already know this... I'm sure if you were in your friend shoes you would want the same from him. Tell him.

A few years ago I was in a similar situation. I informed a close friend of mine about her H's secret "strip club adventures" and other inappropriate & secretive behavior (my H knew about this and informed me about it). My friend's H was furious when he eventually found out who informed his W (screamed to my H on the phone and also called me and called me every name in the book). He blamed/resented me and my H for doing this. He first denied everything and called my H a liar...and his W originally believed him.

Before this incident my H & I were great friends with both of them but unfortunately the friendship was never the same after this. However, in spite of this I don't regret my choice back then and I know I did the right & moral thing. At first I was very hesitant to tell my friend and afraid for many reasons (because of this it took me months to get to the point of actually informing her)...but this knowledge of her H's behavior lied heavily on my conscience and I knew if I consider myself a true friend I had the responsibility to tell my friend the truth.

Would you want anyone to suffer the pain and agony you have endured - especially when you have it within your power to prevent that? If you don't tell the guy, you are no friend at all. Are you more worried about the inconvenience of conflict in your department at work or another human being's life? After all you have gone through and you can still ask this question is somewhat shocking. JMO.

I also did this recently. I have a friend who's wife was having an affair. He refused to expose to OM'sW. So I did. It's a no brainer.

Tell your friend that from your experience as a BS, you have found that when someone knows something that needs to be exposed, as painful as it is, in the long run, exposure makes healing better.

Then ask if he understands what you just said. If he does, expose. If he looks like he has a big question mark on his face, ask him what does he need clarified.

This will set the stage for the exposure. While exposure is good, not all can handle it.

Let him know you are his friend and need to make sure he isn't being 'ripped off'. His future is at stake if he hooks up permanently with a 2 timer like the WS in his life.

He should know what you went through and that puts you in a better position to help him than most.

Keep a copy of SAA handy. For him. Not the WS.

JMHO,
L.

Let me see if I get this right: you have two best friends who are guys, and one of them is involved in an A with the other's GF?

I'd like to echo Orchid's comments, and add the suggestion that you should do this ASAP, and certainly before your friend asks the girl to get M'd.

Note: you are likely to lose one or both friends over this. Doing the right thing doesn't always lead to a "happy ever after" situation for everyone involved. But you should do the right thing anyway - because you KNOW from your own experience that it's the right thing to do.

You said it yourself, you want to keep his friendship and have no time for the other two.

Save your friend from marrying what will turn out to be a disaster.

I wish I had friends who would have told me to stay away from my exw. They didn't live close enough to tell me to stay away.

I wish my sister had expressed her apprehension when I got back together or was thinking about it.

Tell him. He will be hurt, but in the end he will see you are looking out for him. I would be mad at you if you knew something that huge and didn't tell me.

Real friends tell friends what they sometimes do not want to hear. He may get angry but also please remember regardless of what is said, his reaction is to the situation and not to you.

Van,

I was reading your posts and it ended with 2/06.

Your WW and my WH situation are SO similar, down to the house. My WH hasn't showed any remorse for the A and is with P OW still.

I'm on the edge now. I don't know how much longer I can hang in there for the fog to lift. Will it be before all hope and feelings are gone? that is the big question.

How did you handle getting over WW?

I'm going to look for your posts after 2/06. I see that you did D. What happened to make you come to that final decision?

Notkimmiez,
Sorry for taking so long to respond but I am pretty busy at work, and thus have not been on the net.
I have asked the same question as to how long it will take for the fog to lift but there is no answer on when but it will lift. I remember looking at my phone the whole time, hoping for her to come back. It depends on you how long you are willing to wait and eat all that will come too you and it is not an easy time. But I did decide on a timeframe and you need it, work with a plan. Keep a diary, this helped me to make that final decision.

How did I come to that conclusion:
•exw left me alone in a country where I can not speak the language and was very dependent on her.
•When I thought of ending it all….it did not tell her that I am planning on ending my life she found it out. She said was well ¨if you don´t do it now then you will do it later¨
•I have not done to bad in meeting exw emotional needs, except for 4 months of financial support.
•Exw is arguably the most intelligent person that I have met, she has seen what an A can do to a family with her mum and dad.
•She reads a lot, and when this started she told me about 5 % of A relationships work and that we can see after 6 months if we can not work things out but now is time for her (then) to enjoy her life she should be pampered.
•She knew that her wish was my command type of thing, I have always put her on a pedestal and that she has a lot of power over me.
•After 6 months ex calls me and say that she will rent a place and we should decide where we will stay close to my work or university. She then knew that I had the employment I(we) wanted. She also found out my salary. She told me that she will be upset if I have spend the money that I got from the divorce…… unbelievable and that there will be so many things that she will miss from OM, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life comparing myself to OM. She also introduced OM to her mom and grand mom….no respect for their feelings. If we had children then I would have done it differently for the sake of the children. She would text me in the middle of the night saying that ¨how can I enjoy my life when my ex-wife is dying¨.
•To me this felt like she planned to spend the hard time with OM to have some fun as she said she wants a real man(dominant). She did plan on us getting back together when things work out for me….She was very surprised that I don’t want a relationship. I did say in the beginning that we should just start to see because we have changed, she said no lets move back in. I did tell her that she should come to this website….nope there is only sick people here.
•We never had real problems in our marriage so I never did see if we would stick together against all odds but when we needed we did not.

There is a lot more good and bad stuff but the above is my justification. She nailed me with the divorce settlement but as I said to her the shiny stuff does not matter to me. That is what I paid for the exposure, according to her.

Good day all!

As for the friend situation:
•I prefer that WGF will tell BBF so that they can work on their relationship, hope that BBF would have more respect for WGF for trying to fix than me dropping the bomb.
•I have given this a time frame I will tell, I am working on WGF, giving her loads of stuff to read, she is close in cracking. I am telling her that this will come, everyone knows and this is a small town. I hope that she will run to BBF. I can see this is eating her up and I am spending a lot of time with them, finding out what are each others EN. Trying to coach them to listen to what each other need.
•I am getting a support group for him ready, I will meet his best friend in this week not the OM.
•I am slowly telling what happened to me and that the out come can be different than mine. I am slowly preparing him for this because it will come out!
•All WGF´s friends know and just ignore it….nice!
•I have printed Bob pures letter in how he felt when he found out and I will give it to WGF and OM.
•One of the reasons BBF does not know is because he is busy with his thesis, but I involve him in all the social gatherings, more pressure.

I don´t want to loose me work this is one of the only positive things that has happend to me. I would be stupid to loose my work place because of other peoples stupidity. I am new there, most people have been there for 6 years. It is a military contractor and I need only one complain against me. I am the only forneigher there.

Van,