It seems to me the betrayers get a pretty good deal out of having an affair. Since my W's infidelity I have been very in tune to her needs. I was never a bad H and she won't tell me one thing to improve. I have always treated her very well. I have always done 99% of the work around the house and made sure that she was never inconvenienced by anything. Now that I have discovered her affair and we are trying to rebuild, she has it even better and I have it even worse. I have to be nice all the f****** time, she doesn't have to do anything to help me deal with my pain. If i mention anything about the affair she says I am dwelling on it and maybe I should move out until I have learned to deal with it. What's up with that sh**. I get a little mad about it .... sorry.

We try here at MB (kid of sounds like a secret government operation) to maintain thoughtfulness and consideration. AAAAHHHHH!!!! Every once in a while though venting and truly griping helps. Not whining, but outright complaining. If I could scream and jump up and down and throw a tantrum I think I'd feel better. It's not fair, It's not fair, It's not fair. UGH!!!<BR>Now that I've regained my composure, I'm sorry that's it's geeting no better, have you expressed your feelings in a positive way? What? You know telling her you love her and all but that your needing help in closing out that part. Closure within the marriage. Hopefully she will see this and things will even out. Eggshells...they suck.

I'm the betrayer in my marriage, and my H just found out about it. As expected, things aren't even close to "rosey" around here. But life is carrying on. I feel that it is I who has to make it up to him. That I have to work to give him reason to trust me again, and try to get things back to normal, if he will allow me to do so. (we aren't sure where we're headed right now) I don't know much about your situation, as I am new to the MB forum, but I get a sense that she is taking advantage of you. She doesn't want to deal with her feelings...she's bottling. All the guilt she feels, and the way she dodges your questions about it saying you're dwelling etc. She is transferring her own feelings onto you. That is not fair, as you have done nothing wrong, it was her affair, she should be kissing your butt now. Not the other way around. Sure, there was obviously something missing according to her, that caused the infidelity. As was my excuse for doing mine. Find out what that was...don't let your feelings go un-noticed...you'll just end up hurting worse in the end, and you're entitled to have your say too. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, not an ownership. Don't be held hostage.<P>------------------<BR>~Bren~<BR> Nothing will happen today that God and I can't handle together.

Oh yeah we got it just GREAT! Made in the shade ....<P>Once we regain consciousness, we get to:<P>1. deal with the devastation we've created in not one BUT TWO families, <P>2. we get to deal with the fall-out of kids that don't understand, that have had their world crash on them,<P>3. we get to deal with the guilt and remorse of having broken our marriage vows to the one we promised NEVER to do that to, <P>4. we get to deal with the consequences of our sin<P>5. we get to deal with the withdrawal from the stupid fantasy we created in our mind<P>6. we get to take a long look at ourselves and wonder what orfice our brain cells flew out of during our period of insanity<P>7. we get to deal with unforgiveness of our friends that think we are now scum of the earth for what we did<P>8. no matter WHAT we do to make things right we will always be viewed at the BAD guy<P>9. we get to be reminded in our minds for the REST OF OUR LIVES that we screwed up in a big bad way<P>There. Did I miss anything in this picnic I'm having as a betrayer? Golly. I almost forgot the balloons.<P>(sorry for the sarcasm ... I'm having a bad bad bad bad day)<P><p>[This message has been edited by Maya (edited October 05, 1999).]

Maya: I like # 6

I'm here to entertain!<P>It keeps me from crying at my computer. It's so unprofessional with all these engineers around.

MAYA;<BR> I feel your position, not quite all of it yet, but my H just found out recently, and I can see my future path in your response...<BR> The problem that is at hand here is that his W isn't feeling any of this. I don't understand WHY she wouldn't be either. How can she get off with out any guilt and remorse?<P>------------------<BR>~Bren~<BR> Nothing will happen today that God and I can't handle together.

No brain cells left.<BR>Still in the fantasy.<P>There is NO justification for what we did/thought/acted upon. Just add that to my list too.

Maya, if my wife had any of those feelings I probably wouldn't be so mad. If I thought she was hurting too, I would do anything to make the pain stop. Betrayers bring this on the selves. Lay down with dogs.....<p>[This message has been edited by HadBetterDays (edited October 05, 1999).]

Sorry, HBD ... if you've been keeping up with my saga, you'd know I'm having alot of trouble dealing with the enormous guilt and remorse.<P>This is NOT a picnic ... trust me on that one ....

HBD,<BR>I know what your saying. After discussions with my w on Sun at the mall, I felt like I was the one that betrayed her. I was trying my best not to offend her or bring certain things up but she talked to me about om the whole time. Not how good he was but how bad!<BR>Then she started telling me what furniture she wanted to bring home from their apartment!<BR>I don't know if it was a lovebuster or not I said NO WAY.<BR>

I wouldn't want that stuff either. My wife still works with her OM and she has only bad things to say about him now. A show? I don't know.<BR>

HBD, Sooner or later the guilt wiil sink in unless she is completely emotionally dead. The trauma and the confusion have rendered her emotionally frozen at this time. Soon she will come to the realizations that Maya has and will agknowledge her guilt and apologize. It was about seven months into recovery when I got the apology of a lifetime. She had apologized before and even when it was all going on, This time, she apologized for the way she had treated me our entire married life. Without me ever asking for it. Knock me over with a feather.<BR>It also disarmed me of my anger so I really can no longer express anger towards her after that.<BR>Be patient with her and yourself. <BR>Time is on your side.

I agree with fighter and Maya... I'm through with withdrawls and have been feeling like the scum of the earth... <P>I thank God for His forgiveness, and I am learning to forgive myself... but my H is having difficulty still, although he will tell you that I am being a wonderful wife, very loving, very attentive, very remorseful. We are finding that which was lost, and it takes time, like fighter said. <P>But to get back to your original post: there was one month of something that in my fantasy mind was happiness. It was not real. Maya said it best, and I can't improve on it. In my case, it was a three month affair vs. 20 yrs. of marriage... it's a lot to lose. I choose my marriage!!<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Maya,<BR>But what if the betrayer never regains consciousness? Sure this is a fantasy, but what if the fantasy continues forever? I have not had one glimmer of hope in seven months. At some point I will come to the conclusion that this is the real him, that the caring father was the illusion.

HBD, your wife doesn't sound like she even realizes what she has in you. Maybe the real world escapes her because she is so dependant upon you and what you do for her and does take you for granted? You don't see any remorse from her at all? because she will be hit with reality big time if she loses you and all that you do for her and she needs to understand the role she played in this. Realistically you can only take so much before your love bank is drained.

fighter - It is always great to hear how your story played out and that is what I'm waiting for, too. Of course, my W has to confess first, so there's a lot still a lot to go through, I know. But it will take nothing less than what your W did for me to believe that our marriage can ever really work again.<P>HBD - I worked "Plan A" for awhile and I can tell you, the frustration level gets VERY high. Of course, mine was a "pre-disclosure" version of Plan A, but I thought I'd give it a shot anyway. So I can understand your frustration and admire you for sticking to your game plan. Yeah, vent here rather than at your wife. I lost my cool during our Labor Day holiday trip - partly, I think, because we were together ALL the freaking time. And maybe that's the answer - make some time for yourself, get away from being together with her when you can, do your own thing, don't make her so central to your life. And even if you want to be nice, don't let her use you for a doormat. Draw a few lines, set some boundaries, let her do some of the housework! Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

And a little P.S. - While my W's affair is still going on, I make the money, she has the fun!<P>--Wex

Maya,,,,,Thanks for sharing your feelings...I hear from many people ....someday my H will regret his decision. Being on this side of the fence it does seem he is having a blast. But, if there is one shred left of the person I married I'm sure someday he'll have those feelings or similiar ones that you listed. I'm sorry to say but I'm glad you are having those feelings, it sounds like you are on the road to recovery!!!! If, I could only be so lucky to have a chance to help my H through those emotions. But, for now the divorce wheel keeps moving forward my heels dig in, but unfortunately his pull is stronger. Again, thanks for sharing the "blast you're having" <P><BR>Nellie::::: Hang in there........It will soon be year for me on Oct 18. I'm still hoping he will wake up. God Bless You

HBD, your wife may not feel like Maya does as everyone has their own way of dealing with things. We are all different. But I'm sure she's not happy about the way things have turned out. I'm sure if she could go back and do things over again, she'd do things differently. But, don't feel bad just because she doesn't feel exactly like Maya does. I know I don't because my life and marriage has been completely different than hers and alot of other people's here. I think I was "insane" (and maybe still am) for putting up with my husband's mistreatment for as long as I did. THAT'S what's true insanity to me. I think I was insane for going sexually unfulfilled for over 15 years. I think I was insane for allowing him to curse at me every time a check bounced like it was my fault. Having an affair wasn't "insane", but it was a dumb way of dealing with things, that I know, because it allowed him to continue mistreating me. It was a way to put a band-aid on my pain instead of ending the source of the pain. It was a stupid mistake, but it wasn't insane. Just my opinion about MY situation.<P>HBD, your wife obviously isn't being honest about the things that were bothering her so badly about your marriage. If she went so far as to have an affair, then there are problems, big problems, if not in the marriage, then in her own mind, but big problems nonetheless. She has to face up to that before anything else.<P>You see, I have faced up to my marital problems and maybe that's why I don't feel the intense guilt some others do. I'm not a bad person and I can live with who I am and the choices I've made in life good and bad. I'm trying to do things right now that I have at least a little cooperation from my husband. That is what I always wanted and always needed. I won't go back in time and dredge up all the mistakes of the past as long as he won't. I am willing to even let the 20 years of b.s. go as long as NOW he starts to behave the way a husband who loves his wife should. I will do the same for him, it's 50/50 this time or nothing.<P>Shouldn't a husband be nice to his wife all the f******* time anyway? Why would a husband want to mistreat or be mean to his wife? I think that's part of the problem for alot of guys (and gals), we get so used to treating our spouses like crap that when we have to be "nice" it freaking kills us. Like my husband said in counseling one day, "you mean I can't cuss anymore??" DUH! Excuse me, but a husband SHOULDN'T cuss at his wife, EVER! Isn't there a better way to communicate besides cussing? In our first counseling session I said how OM would open my car door and pull out my seat and stuff and my husband siad, "oh brother!" Sorry, but a man is SUPPOSED to treat a woman like that. Where has chivalry gone? Why can't a husband treat his wife like she is his queen? Why is that such a remote thing for alot of guys?<P>Anyway, I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound like any of you are like this, just describing my husband and our conversations.