I'm torn up.

I was so emotionally invested with my WH's family. His mom called just a month ago crying saying how she missed me as a friend. And they took the OW out to lunch.

I've been w/my husband 11 years. Before me they'd only met his prom date!!!

I guess I was in denial that it'd end b4 now but I'm devastated.

It's only been 3 mos.
They claim to be Catholic - but he cheated on me w/her and they'll embrace her??? and outlaw me -the mother of his children. What is wrong with the world?

{{{MCM137}}}

I really feel for you. It's terrible when the IL's accept the OP - feels like the initial betrayal all over again.

My MIL was entertaining the OW ONE WEEK after WXH had left me and her grandchildren. WXH threatened her - said that he's never visit again unless they accepted the OW.

I also feel like an outlaw - MIL recently told me that she still wants to be friends, but I don't know. She did nothing to try and help me save my marriage - she's never said a single harsh word to the OW, and MIL is such a strong person usually.

Affairs make cowards of the strongest people, it seems. I wish that ILs could see what a disservice they are doing by accepting affairs - their disapproval would be one of the biggest stress factors in the affair if they'd only speak up!

I'm very sorry for your pain. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Affairs make cowards of the strongest people, it seems

And they make heroes and heroines out of the apparrently frail and meek - like you and I alph. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sadly I am coming to REALLY dislike "mothers" of adults involved in affairs. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

They seem to do whatever they desperately feel will make their children love them most, not what they KNOW to be right in many cases.

I see the beginnings of this in Squid. Sh eis so guioty at how she treated our kids during her affair now she has almost no boundaries with them and constantly berates me for correcting them. She admits ( in quiet moments!) that she couldn't BEAR to feel appropbation or unlove from her kids whatever the cost.

Extrapolate that to adulthood and you have your MIL, tartilla espanol's M, and many other moms I could reference.

I hope I never do that. Squid says " it's a mom thing - you wouldn't understand".

Its terrible when in laws accept active affairs. A really bad situation.

Thank you.

It really made me feel like I was in the fog.

OW replacing me in the family makes everything so much more real. I knew he was living with her but this is something else to me. Another step.

This week we had custody mediation. WH was such a bully. The only weekends he bent on were ones that he had plans with OW (Christmas party, NY Eve). I win in the end b/c the children will be with me. And that is hands down the best place for them.

I know I can't make him a better father.
But I find myself thinking that the past 11 years was such a complete waste!
Michelle

My MIL tried to reach out to me, and we did get together a couple of times during my separation from my now exH. At the time, she was in denial, and still bought my ex's story that the OW was "only a friend". She was encouraging me not to give up on my ex. But I couldn't bear to stay in touch with her, it was too painful.

I feel for you, thinking that the previous 11 years were a waste. I felt many times like the 12 years I was with my ex were a waste. I had a very hard time cutting off contact with my ex's family. I had to grieve the loss of the marriage and the loss of his family.

However, in your case, his family are also grandparents, and I can only imagine the challenges ahead as you probably try to ensure they still maintain a relationship with your children.

Take care,

Jen

mcm137 - What is wrong is "being of the world" and not "of Christ." If there is no real realationship with, and surrender to, God, the what God has to "say about things" doesn't matter. "Self-interest" becomes paramount.

MIL has to choose, just like you and me. Sometimes the choices are easy and sometimes they are hard. When it comes to adultery, especially in the family, the individuals' relationship with God is tested, "to stand for God 'no matter what or how potentially painful,' or to not stand for the one who gave HIS Son for me."

If the only friend I have is Jesus, that is enough. Thankfully, God also provides us with His family too.

Think about it.

God bless.

An interesting thread.

If my W's A had continued, I don't think I would have received any assistance from her parents to end it.
I believe that, if it ever came to it, my MIL would have probably welcomed, maybe even encouraged my FWW to bring the OM by. I don't mean to be disrespectful towards my MIL, but I never got the feeling from her that there was any cause worth enough to risk her personal gain. I do like her (she does have some redeeming qualities), but I also keep my distance from her - my "spidey sense" senses that she's dangerous to us and our M. She's the type of person that would have likely encouraged my W to keep her A from me at all costs, until she was ready to cut and run. I'm distrustful around anyone that appears to me to not have a clear sense of good values and strongly encourages others in that regard.

OTOH, if I had gotten involved in an A and was stupid enough to actually try bringing the OW around to my parents for a visit, I think my dad would likely hit me around the head with a 2x4 - literally. My mum - she would likely express her displeasure with me, but not publicly. In any case, my behaviour would certainly not be accepted by anyone in my family.

I never cease to be amazed at how uncaring many parents, friends and siblings are about their loved ones when in an affair. When push comes to shove, the true character of these people is revealed; they really don't give a damn. They place their desire to keep the peace and be liked above all else and then pretend there is some "virtue" in being morally neutral. They tell themselves they are being "mature," when really they are just being moral cowards. UGH!

May the good Lord help my son if I ever found he was having an affair! Because it would be a cold day in ****** before I would accept my son acting so trashy.

ML

Abso feakin lutely ML. If the shoe had been on the other foot in my sitch my mom and dad and siblings would have shown me the door. As far as me threatening to never visit goes, mom would have said "well, R we love you, we don't and won't approve of your behavior, so I guess we are going to miss ya."

I'm with you, son, daughter, friend, cousin, aunt, uncle or the local postman can all forget getting acceptance or me legitmizng that which cannot be legitimized at any time in any way.

"When push comes to shove, the true character of these people is revealed"

My best medicine today is to be thankful that these are not the people I have put my trust in in 'personal recovery'.

That's not to say I'm not hurt but I know I have a relationship with God. I chose to act to make him proud. And that's all that's in my control.

Michelle

Yeah, I don't really get this myself. Had I brought another woman home, my father would have literally smacked the crap out of me and probably tell me AND the OW we are not welcome in his home. My mom would be more subtle, but I am sure she would let the OW know she was not really welcome in her home.

I guess it is how you and your family were raised. Family was everything in my house when I grew up. And that is how I feel today with my family. My wife on the other hand grew up in a verbally abusive household (it was very bad) and there wasn't really a sense of family. They were all kind of on their own. I kind of tie her affair to the way she was raised.

I have to say I was more than a little shocked and hurt that my WW's family has ostracized me as though I was the cheater. My MIL -- if she didn't actually encourage the infidelity -- certainly helped facilitate it.

Unfortunately, this stuff is all too normal. Blood is thicker than sh*t, and very, very often the BS ends up ostracized and blamed when the WS's cheating wrecks the family. Gee, the IL's own precious family member couldn't possibly have done such a thing, now could they? So, it must be the BS's fault, and they will be blamed for the whole mess.

My SIL angrily and nastily told me that she wanted her brother to "move on and be happy" - even though *he* was the one who spent years lying to me and ignoring me for office bimboes and nightclub strippers.

Heh. Too bad I'm still around.
Mulan

I got one to add into the stupid things people say.

Shortly after DD, my Aunt heard of my fws EA and wrote this in the card.

"Boys will be Boys"!!!
WTF????? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Can you believe that crapola.

I feel like I am in the dark ages again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />


k.d.'s Heartbreak

Absolutely. When my WXH was 15, his parents bought him a double bed so that he could have sex with his girlfriends in their house. Kind of sums it all up for me.


This attitude is all too common, I'm afraid - particularly, I have to say, with certain older matriarchs (mothers, aunts, grandmothers) and their precious boy-children.

I really hate that phrase 'Boys will be boys' when it is applied to men, and also when the same indulgent matriachs refer to their adult male relatives as 'just little boys'.

It's just an excuse for bad behaviour, IMVHO.

Alph.

I've been blessed when it comes to my in-laws and the rest of the family. They only shown me love and support and even told me when I met that special guy he would be welcomed into their family. They love me like a daughter but...

I know they want to start repairing their relationship with their son its been over two years since they saw him. He is coming home for the holidays with the OW whom he is marrying in July, a week before what would have been our 17th wedding anniversary.

I know my MIL will tolerate the OW for a visit once a year, I know her real feelings about the OW. I know she misses her son and has let him know how she really feels about the relationship. She told me he hasn't changed his mind but she believes in "what goes around comes around" and one day they will have to pay for what they have done.

I don't know what I would have done if I lost their love but I'm so grateful everyday I have it. They are the only family I have.

I know right now it hurts that I will be spending the holidays alone while the OW will be sitting at their table laughing and enjoying the company of a wonderful family. I keep in mind that blood is thicker than water, but I have this wonderful bond with my MIL and she is a special lady.

Maybe your MIL is justing trying to find out about who the OW is all about and her motives. Don't burn any bridges with them and stay your wonderful self just in case you WH comes to out of his fog and wants to save his marriage. Always take the high road, eventally the OW will show her real colors.

HD-

Advice taken.

How did others chart territory of IL's re-establishing relationships with W spouse?

(a lil background - i moved to his hometown 4 hours from mine and now state orders will not allow me to go home where my support systme is)

Some of his family has been supportive of me as BW and def. of my kids. I think it's been a 2 way street. But naturally those relationships will rebuild ~ some sooner others will take longer healing the personal hurts of their own experiences. I guess I am feeling the impending pressure of the upcoming holidays. The first under our newly negotiated sitch.

I don't want to be caught in a he said she said but find it difficult not to defend myself.

Did any of you decide to cut ties?
How do you do it gracefully?