I have a problem.

My husband of 16 years -He and I have a ready made family, he has 2 children, 1 who is 15, and the other is out of the house. I have 1 who is also grown and out of the house.
From day one we've always had kids around, we never spent much time alone together, we get along great. We never used to go out and drink or anything of the sort, we never did things with friends. We didn't really have friends. We worked and came home and enjoyed each others company.

He has begun hanging out and drinking with a newly divorced friend(male).
Not a problem, it didn't bother me. BUT when he leaves he just says 'I'm going, see ya', no I'll see you in a while, no I hope you have a good idea watching my kids, no have a good idea sitting at home. Nothing of the sort.

Then he dresses nice, to me if your going out with a friend just having a beer or 2 at a local bar, then a t-shirt and shorts is appropriate.

Then he has worn cologne, something he has never done since I've known him.

He has told me that I can go out with my friends too, sad thing is I work and go to school fulltime and don't have any friends. I have an ex sister-in-law, who is sort of a friend but I have to walk on egg shells around her. Not much of a friend.

Now my husband is resorting to going out weekly till the bar closes, comes home drunk.

He said life is too short to not enjoy life, and thats exactly what he is going to do, enjoy life. He said if I don't like him going out when he pleases than we need to rethink our marriage.

I finally told him after being amazed in his change of attitude towards life, that I don't want to play the game with him. I feel like I am getting set up for an affair in the making. I have way to much to worry about let alone worry about him wondering the town looking for something to happen.

I told him I want to leave, if this is what he is dead set on doing than I don't want to be part of it.


I asked him why he didn't take me out, he said 'we sit at home together, why would I go sit at a bar with you'. Then long time ago when I asked him if we could go out, he told me 'bars are for me who are looking to get laid'.

Should I leave? Should I sit back and allow him to get this out of his system? Any advice would be great, like I said I have no friends to confide in.. Guess I better get some:):).

Kly--If nothing else the man is setting himself up for a drinking problem. Or cource we are hearing only your side of the story. Can you go with him? I take it is a 2nd (or more ) marriage for you both. How does he respond when you tell him your feeings?--you mention you told him but you didn't nemtion his response other than bars are for men to get laid. How does he feel about your marriage? You said you had so much to worry about. Do you guys talk any? Getting along great is not always so great. Sometimes people get aong "great" while at the same time drifitng apart for each other. That happened to me and my wife until a crises came and we came back together. You all mentioned that you did not have much time alone together. I have a step daughter and son in law who put all their energy into thier 3 kids. What happens in 20 years when they just have each other to look at and don't like what they see???
Should you leave?? That depends if you value him as a husband. Only you can answer that.

johoman

Hello!

I know hearing one side doesn't help. I've asked him to take me out; he finally said he'd take me out, but not with him. He said when he goes out with his friend that he wants to hang with his friend and not me too.
His response to my feelings is; 'if I don't like his choice of going out than maybe we should re-think our marriage'. He believes we've spent so much time together he now wants to spend time with other people. He doesn't really show he cares about my feelings. He says 'right now he said he wants to live life enjoying it'.
I worry because I work for 4 companies, and attend college full-time. We talk but its always about blaiming each other. Seems like we end up at a stand-off and nothing ever gets resolved.

I value him tremendously, I actually think he is the greatest, and I can't picture my life with out him. But I'm beginning to sense he doesn't really care so much about me. To me I understand feelings change, and I do give him the space to spend time with his friend. But I feel like I am being used? I make more money than him, and we live in Hawaii where its not cheap to live. For instance why I feel used, we are getting along and talking; however, this morning he and his son left, didn't say goodbye, and its 5 hours later and I haven't heard one word from him.

I just don't know, leaving him to me is extreme, although if I'm just here to pay the bills & fill the space than I don't know what to do. Having no friends to confide in sucks.

Thank you!

Kly--How do you find to the time to be married and work for 4 companies and go to college full time???? Also when he says "he'd take me out but not with him" mean. With his friend? I think men need time with buddies. I am a man and at times I would rather be with other men than with my wife. Maybe you guys could go out somewher he or you likes. I just talked with a man was was divorced 3 years ago and it was because of kids Actually his wife's kids hated (and physically) fought with his kids (these "kids" were near 40 hyears old) and his wife treid to interfere and ultimatly left the marraige.You mentioned he had kids, Do you? Sometiems kids (grown or young) can put tremdous stress on a marriage. My wife has a daughter and that daughter has put tremendous stress on our marriage. I have no bio children. johoman

Its not easy..:) Actually I work the 4 companies from 7-3:30, and take course from the local college online or I take a class or 2 to fit within my schedule.

Yes he'd be willing to take me out but not with his friends. I understand the buddies want to hang without the wives. To me I want him to have the space, but what bothers me is he wheres cologne and dresses nice, and now its becomming weekly. He has never worn cologne around me, and I would think you go to the local tavern to have a beer with a t-shirt and shorts is proper.

After we didn't talk all day yesterday I was going to get me dinner, and he asked where was I going to eat. He said he and his son would go too. So when we were there he turned to me and said 'I know why you wanted to come here, because you wanted to keep me from going out'. Right then I had lost it, I couldn't believe he was so pompous to think that, I didn't even ask him to go with me, it was him chose to go. (Btw we don't have a stove, we moved from a huge house, the 2 older boys are gone so we moved to a smaller place to save money for a few months, thats why we ate out)

I asked him last night to help me feel secure about all this, and he tells me he shouldn't have to tell me anything, and no matter what I'm not going to feel secure about it. You know, all I want is 'honey I love you, I understand your feelings, but your going to have to trust that I wouldn't hurt you'. Is that too much? To him it is.

I have a 22 year old son away at college, pretty much raised by my husband and I. My husband has 2 boys 15 (home with us) his oldest 19 moved out. My son has been a very simple child, don't know where we went right with him. But he doesn't drink, drugs, or get into trouble. I keep waiting for a bombshell with him. Most kids go through some stage in life of experiencing difficulty, but he hasn't.

Now his boys are nice boys, but they have been handfulls. They were taken away from their mother a few years ago because she wouldn't stop taking drugs and drinking. They act as if they had no parent around. Its really sad, I don't want to leave because I know it'll be hard on his youngest. But after last night I realize there is a side of my husband I never knew he had.

I honestly don't feel he cares to make me good about this, if he did he would do more than say 'I'm leaving see ya', when he goes out.

I often recall that movie 'When Harry met Sally' when she said that her boyfriend wanted to marry, just didn't want to marry her. Thats the way I feel.


I keep telling myself it takes 2, but also if I'm not wanted than why do I want to waste all my energy trying to make something work when there's hope. I just feel like my life has been ripped out.

Thanks for listening er reading my ramble <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Kly- I hear what you are saying. It seems your H wants to be independent from you in some ways. I used to (and I think many people tend to) think that marriage was necessary to complte one's life so they married in order to be complete. Actually if you are not complete to start with mariage won't complete you. It sounds like you and your husband have a lot going for you but you are not getting some of your needs met. You want more closeness and he does not right now. People change. Maybe you can think of more ways he can help you without him realizing it. Being sly is not necesarrily bad. johoman

Going out alone every Friday night is what single people do, or those married people who want to meet someone new. If he just needs a night out with the boys, why does it need to be Friday? Don't get me wrong, I'm all for guys having time to hang out and be guys, but not in a pick up joint, half drunk.

I would try and find out how he feels about the rest of your marriage. It sounds like he is quick to pull the divorce card as a weapon to get his way. Is he like this on other matters?

Maybe he would never cheat, but this sounds suspicious to me.

KLY, YES YOU SHOULD BE WORRIED!!!!

Some advice from a FWS, I have read your post and it breaks my heart, just reading it I see all of the signs that your H IS having an affair. You need to check up on him when he is out "without him knowing that you are checking on him". If you find nothing then great I am happy for you but if you do then you know what you are dealing with. When he finds out that you have checked up on him he will most likely get angry but that is something that can be delt with, he has given you no choice but to check on him because of the lack of answers to your questions. I don't know if you have thought about posting this on the JUST FOUND OUT section or not, but I think you might find some good advice there if you post it as a question.

KB

Yes....be worried. Get all your ducks in a row. What he is doing doesn't sound like someone who really wants to be married.

YES!!!! yes yes yes you should be very worried. My H's affair signs started the same way. First it was just guys night out, which turned into dressing nicer and staying out later and coming home drunker. I had a gut suspicion but never acted on it. A few months later I found out about his A and most of those "guys nights" were nights with guys and girls and they they ended up just being with the OW. The point is this is no behavior for a married man. Watch him closely...