Well, I'm in the middle of a divorce I had no clue was coming. I know alot of people say that, and honestly, I should have seen it coming, because it was mostly my fault.

Basically, for the last seven years, I've made my wife afraid of me. I came home from work, and I'd be nice, but then I'd find something to nag and pick about and turn it into a major arguement where I'd berate her for hours, not allowing her to leave. I'd make stupid comments and degrade her, breaking every Lovebuster in the book. I've been a horrible husband.

She says she didn't know which husband was coming home, the good me or the bad me. The last straw was I got angry with my children and spanked them while I was angry. It scared her so bad she decided to leave and went to a shelter, and I didn't see them for two months. I filed for divorce because I wanted my kids back, and I had no clue that I had been this way at all. I never saw it, or the real reason I was doing it.

In counseling, it came out that her grandfather, who she lived with for many years, was a different person at work. He came home and he was a monster, yelling and screaming. The counselor looked over at me and said "That sounds alot like you, doesn't it?" I said yes, it does, I yell, but not scream. I don't get violent. But she was ingrained to think I was going to.

Stress killed me and my marriage. I've been stressed out for over seven years, each year something financially devestating or emotionally wracking, happens. I was unable to deal with it all, and I ended up taking it out on my wife.

My wife ended up seeking solace in another man while she has been seperated from me, and has come to care for him. I believe she is placing her true buried feelings for me on him because she can't deal with it. She tells me she doesn't love me anymore, wants the divorce, cannot be married to me anymore, doesn't want to be my wife anymore, and that I cannot change anything. The other man has agreed to step out of the picture after I spoke to him so we can work things out, but my wife still doesn't want to reconcile. She believes that he will come back to her, or that she will be able to seduce him back.

Yes, I've been a horrible husband. I feel guilty for everything I did to her. She did agree to go to counseling so that we can be "friends" for the kids. This was the beginning of us spending almost every waking minute together for over the past two weeks.

It started after I got joint custody of my children and had to pick them up at her apartment. I got her to speak to me, and she finally told me why this was all going on. I really had no clue, I had denied it all to myself and blanked out things I didn't want to admit. I couldn't admit it.

So we talked about it, and she told me over and over that she doesn't want to get back together, even if I got custody of the kids. She said she was willing to be my friend, and that was all she was willing to give. I said okay, I'd take that, but I wanted her to know that I was going to try the hardest I've ever worked for anything in my life to get back to the real person I was before stress took over my life. She said okay, that's nice, but it won't work.

So for the past two weeks, I've been picking her up from college, getting my girls from daycare, and we hang out. Take the kids places, eat dinner together, sometimes without the kids. Tonight, my mother took the kids to her farm and we went to a steak restruant, I had her dress in a really nice dress that makes her look gorgeous, and then we came home and watched some movies. All while I rubbed her feet.

My wife has always loved my massages, and she complains that I never wanted to give them. So about a week ago, I took her to a craft fair that was in town, took control of my anxiety around large groups of people, and had a great time. After that we cooked dinner together and watched movies. I asked her if she wanted a foot rub, she said "Sure." and I massaged her feet for over 2 hours. The next night, it was her legs and knees, then the next day it was her back. I was able to just start rubbing her back at the park yesterday.

I'm very confused about this. The counselor we're seeing, which my wife only sees so that "we can be good friends", the counselor says she sees a connection between us and that what we're going through isn't normal. She doesn't even know about the time I've spent with her or the massages.

My wife was making comments, like when we were fixing dinner together, that it was good I was learning to cook, because girls love that. When I told her I wanted to give her a massage everynight for the rest of her life because it made her happy, and that's what I'm supposed ot be here for, she said "Well that would make your future girlfriend unhappy if you had to massage my feet everynight while you were with her". She made comments like that. A female coworker told me to just tell her to quit it. So I did. I asked her nicely to please stop mentioning future girlfriends, that she knows the reason I'm doing these things is for her and nothing else. She said okay, she'd stop.

She also makes very confusing comments. On our way home from counseling, I asked her "You really think I won't change for you?". She replied "Well, maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised." Tonight I said "You're just not buying that I want to change for you, do you?" She replied "I don't know, maybe." That's a huge change from the "Nothing is going to change my mind" of two weeks ago. Everyone is telling me to give it time, but I'm worried she is going to get this guy back in her life, and there's nothing I can do about it. I don't want to control her, I can't compete and keep trying knowing she is seeing someone. It'll be over then.

Tomorrow night we're going to a Halloween party together, she's medusa and I'm a vampire. We picked out two very nice costumes, and she tried on a couple very slinky outfits at my requests. She said "If it makes you happy" when I asked her to try one on that she didn't want. Tomorrow morning we're going to clean her apartment together and I'm going to paint her toenails and fingernails to match her costume! Argh!

Basically I'm very confused. I don't want to be that person anymore. I never did, but I didn't know how to deal with stress, and I picked on her because she was an easy target. I hate what I did to her, and I want to atone for it. I don't know if what I'm doing is working, everyone says to keep it up and work on my issues and that she'll come around. I've learned to love her again for who she is, and I truly have fallen in love with her again, although she says I am just attached to her.

I've read both His Needs, Her needs and Lovebusters and I have seen all my mistakes and want to work through them and save my marriage for hers and my kids sake, as well as my own.

I'm just so confused. I love her more than anything in the world, and that means I should just let her go if that's what would make her happy, but I can't help but be selfish and want her back. She's the love of my life and I can't see my life without her and her smile.

I want my wife back.

I feel for ya. After reading all that you have said, I have seen so much of the relationship that my wife and I have. We are in a serious talk about divorce. Actually, last night we both made our final decision. She was giving me the same signals that your wife has, exept not to that extent. I want to get my wife back too, but I feel that after I said that I would turn her into DFS (same as child protective services in other states) she got defensive and told me that if I did that neither of us would be able to see our kids. I only said that because she hit my son in the mouth with the back of her hand, and she has told me that hitting the children in the past was unnacceptable. I showed her that she was wrong also, and was told that as long as she had the kids, she would dicipline them as she saw fit.

The best advice that I can give you is that both of you are on the right path to repairing your marriage. Be forewarned though, dont jump the gun. Handle things at her pace. I am learning that the hard way. Alot of the things that you mentioned have happened between us too, and it even escalated at times to her perception of physical abuse. I have two scars on my hand that involve incidents with my wife. The first one I got was when we were dating in highschool and she tried dumping a bowl of water on me. I cut my hand on a nail while trying to get it to dump on her. That one wasnt an anger scar, her and I were playing around. The other one is from punching the louvers on a furnace in a mobile home. I was so angry that I wanted to hit her, but I still knew that it wasnt the awnser. Instead I hit the furnace. What I am trying to get at is that my wife also has shown that she is afraid of me. In my opinion, this is the key to winning her heart. She must feel comfortable around you AT ALL COSTS. If she dosent feel safe, she will leave. If you provide more than her significant other, her feelings for him should die off.

Good luck.

ILWL--Kustom is right. Back off and let your wife go at her pace. If anything remember what you said in your post and if this marrriage does not work out DON'T repat it in another relationship. People have a tendency to keep repeating same behavior expecting different results. johoman