I am currently separated from my WW - call it Plan B if you like. While I exposed ages ago to people who could influence my WW's affairs, I am now dealing with the issue of what to say / not say to third parties. For example friends of mine who I have not mentioned our maritial difficulties to, or parents of my teenage daughter's friends who recently asked about my previous (now on hold) plans to sell our house. In other words, to the community at large.

To give a sense of time, let me mention that after discovery of the affair I:
* Had no clear plan for 1 month (and found MB)
* Plan-A'd for 6 months
* Plan-C'd for 3 months (collected evidence of A in prep. for Plan-D)
* Separated (sort of Plan-B) for 1 month to date.

My opinion is that there is little point in not being direct. To as non-judgmentally as possible mention that we are living separately, and typically (to a close friend or co-worker) to indicate this is because I initiated it because of of WWs affairs and her unwillingness to cease them. To a less significant third party (e.g., my 14 year old daughter's soccer coach) I'd probably decline to go into the causes of the separation.

After this many months (10+) I figure it is a reasonable consequence of the As to have this get out. Why should I conceal what has happened?

Any comments?

- WG

Sounds good to me. Exposure is to ppl who could assist in bring the dirty little secret to light and to healp you break up the infidels.

Disclosure is what you choose to share. WIth whomever

BUt, I don't see you make any mention of what your PLANS are. Are you still working on reconciliation? Or are you done and want to get it over with? Or just wait and see?

I see you said OUR house. SO I am assuming that there has been no D filed or S papers, correct?


And there is no reason to conceal a thing. YOU did nothing wrong. PLUS, the WS should NEVER be protected from the consquences of THEIR actions and THEIR choices.

And I'm trying to figure out what to share. I'd like to be gracious. And if the extremely unlikely happens - we stay married - will I regret having disclosed the truth to the world at large? Ordinarily I'm a pretty private person, though dealing with an A has been a growth opportunity in that regard.

Since you ask... I moved out and have been enjoying: (1) living in a much less stressful environment, and (2) a chance to think about the future with clearer perspective. I am trying to remain open to the possibility of reconciliation while patiently biding my time and deciding what I want to do, namely, wait longer for change that may never occur, or initiate divorce.

In hindsight, I hoped that moving out / Plan-B would have resulted in quick change in my WS (e.g., radical honesty). While it did produce a wonderful crisis, I realize now that quick changes aren't going to happen. Perhaps they never happen.

That's right. Though its an option I can choose. My WS desperately wants a reconciliation but isn't willing (or psychologically able) to do what is needed (i.e., full disclosure, total honesty, no contact, openness and transparency, etc...)

I suppose. My instinct is to avoid the subject but I'm wondering the extent my instinct is wrong. Maybe totally.

- WG

WG, I am inclined to tell you just to avoid the details and say that you are seperated. These are not key people in your life and it really is none of their business. That is very different, IMO, from hiding the truth. Telling them would needlessly set up your family as the subject of gossip. On the other hand, I know of no good reason to tell them.

When you say you are in Plan B, do you mean a REAL Plan B where you are NEVER in contact with her? Have you also stopped paying her bills?

I would not say I am in a true Plan-B (and you can beat me up for that as you see fit). We have been talking 1-2x/week in addition to minimal conversations about factually important things (child care, logistics).

I moved out of the house and I have to pay the mortgage for my own financial protection. Not paying the utilities would leave my daughter in the cold. If we don't make progress, I'm moving towards legal separation which would separate finances to the greatest degree possible. Its a complex story and I understand there are cons to continuing to provide.

Someday I'll post my narrative.

- WG

I gotcha. So you are in Plan A, rather than Plan B? Are you familiar with Marriage Builders principles?

Is your wife carrying on her affair from your home since you are gone? This is what typically happens. How will she support herself without your support?

I agree that you just say you are separated and are trying to work things out. You don't owe anybody an explanation for anything. If you and WW should end up back together, it would be very awkward being around friends who knew every sordid detail. My WW and I are facing that know. As a result, we have had to cut off some friends. She is the one who discolsed to them BTW. Also, in Plan A you would not want to say anything to friends that WW was not in complete agreement with. When my WW left, we agreed to tell everyone that she went to take care of her mother. It was an easy story and didn't get any questions except the constant "how's mom?". I found most people were even afraid to discuss it. The more you disclose, the more people will want to know. Saying very little shuts them up - at least around you. Sure they will start their own rumors and they will likely be far more intresting than the reality.

I would say that if you are tempted to disclose your situation, always ask yourself if you have a legitimate reason for doing it or if you are maybe being a little vindictive.

My answer to inquiries as to what happened was a simple "My wife met her fantasy man, unfortunately it wasn't me". Then I would politely change the subject. I rarely got a follow up question from my well meaning friends.

Well that's one way to go with it.

Personally Pio, I do think it's a mistake to shelter your wife from the consequences of her actions.

There is some embarassment in recovery because of this. It's a fact of life for the WS. True friends will not make this into a problem and if they are friends of your marriage they will be thrilled that you and your wife have recovered from it.

My wife and I have NEVER told any of our friends any details or sought to tell our side of any story. It's none of their business. OM was also a friend of lots of our friends so he most probably did spin the affair to make him look good and demonise me. Whatever.

My wife and I have as I say never defended ourselves - we simply refuse to discuss it with anyone. It's over, we are recovered is all we need to say. Friends that side with OM are not friends of our marriage. They are replaceable.

I only used exposure to end the affair but I did it far and wide.

I have no plan in place to shelter WW. Although the A is a bit embarrassing for me (not sure why really but it is), it is far more embarrassing for her. I just have no need to drag it all out in public. My personal life, in general, is not my neighbors' business. Why should the A be? Just gets back to the old adage you don't air your dirty laundry in public.

Exposure is great for killing the A. Disclosure is simply for rubberneckers who get thrills out of seeing roadkill. My neighbor in Dubai told me one time that he was in mourning because his brother had been killed in a car accident. I told him how sorry I was and I asked how it happened. He told me his brother was driving back from Ras Al Khaimah and saw a car overturned on the other side of the highway. He stopped his car on the shoulder on his side, jumped out of his car and, while he was running across the highway, he was run down by a truck. If he had minded his own business, he would have still been alive - unless you subscribe to the insha'alah mentality of course.

I let WW tell people what she wants. I'll not contradict her story. I am sure it is difficult for her so I don't need to make it worse. I don't feel like I am protecting her from the consequences of her actions. She is assuming all that responsibility. The neighbors knowing doesn't help anything. I don't think Dr. Cymanca is in Plan A any longer and is working on healing. If I were in his position, I might adopt a similar stance. I wouldn't politely change the subject - I would just walk away. But he is much nicer than me.

ah sorry Pio - I misunderstood. I don't see any benefit in disclosure while in recovery - as you say it's just rubbernecking.

Pio,



Did you REALLY want to use this story as a reason to mind your own business? Maybe the not understood reference would explain it.

Yes I am familiar with MB principles. And I would describe my situation as closest to Plan-B. The only ENs (some financial provision and minimal conversation) I am meeting are ones that I am choosing to taper off rather than halt entirely. This may be less effective, but I have reasons such as protecting myself financially and choosing to help WW with medical and pysch issues in the short term. I am using the time apart to decide my future plans with a level of detachment that was hard to achieve when living under the same roof.

I can't say. Probably not. But in a period of 9-10 months after D-Day and while we were living together she averaged seeing somebody one out of a hundred days. With that kind of low frequency involvement, it is nigh impossible to sample a short period of time (i.e., a few weeks or a month apart) and characterize behavior as carrying on or not carrying on. My WW has a not-so secret life.

I don't know, and its not really my problem. If she wants to eat she can work. She has part-time employment and the education and credentials to obtain more work if she desires.

In any event, it seems the issue of disclosure is not entirely clear. While I don't see any reason for me ever to lie or conceal events, there is probably not much reason to more fully inform distant acquaintances.

Thanks for the input.

- WG