Hi,

My fiancee is going to be gone for the next two weeks with his band. They will be in New York for 4 days. There is this gorgeous girl that used to live in our town who's in NY now. My fiancee has never cheated and seems to be very trustworthy, but I suspect he's very attracted to this girl and she's a temptation for him. What should I do?

We have some problems that I don't know how to solve. One of them is my jealousy and the way he responds to other women. I was cheated on in a previous marriage and my instincts aren't as good as they used to be.
Should I mention this girl just to get the situation out in the open? I'm sure he'll be resistant, but I would prefer for us to have an open relationship. He may even get angry.

I've also been in a very deep depression for the four years and have gone on Zoloft after a lot of resistance. I'm hoping this helps. I realized last week that I would not be able to have a healthy relationship if I don't address the depression right away. I've been in therapy for almost a year. My therapist helps me with the volatile relationship I have with my mother but not too much with my relationship.

What is the best way to deal with these attractions? Our sex life has also been waning considerably. I'm wondering if my jealousy has something to do with it. In privous relationships I've always ignored other attractions, both mine and my partner's, until the bombs fell!

Hello BackAgain,

Sounds a lot like my story. I think you have an advantage over me because my Fiance, now wife, cheated already and did everything she could to deny it even though I had proof, but in your case, you have trust with your Fiance whereas I didn't. Firstly, jealousy is a common thing with everyone, some people don't show it, others can't handle it, in your case you must learn to control your fear. You are dragging your former hurts and insecurities into this relationship and you are not giving your Fiance a chance to prove his loyalty to you. When your Fiance goes to NY you might want to accompany him on his trip, (but being in a band doesn't help things if you don't already trust him).

As for depression, that is something we as humans get sometimes, but if we focus on what we have now and how much God loves us depression goes, we can't let ourselves be controlled, we must take control. You are on the right path with therapy, continue doing so, but don't depend on your Therapist to make you well...you must make you well because you are responsible for you. Most of us are dysfunctional, we've come from dysfunctional relationships, either in our marriages or at home with our parents, but ultimately we are responsible for our own actions. My Mother was an alocoholic, but because she was I am not going to blame her for the way I act now, I am going to yield myself to God and His will and shot for a goal that is reasonable.

I have weak days of jealousy where my wife is concerned because she works in a Hospital with guys she used to date, after we were married I found out she was very promiscuous, had I known what I was marrying I would have never married her, she too has eye problems where she has to check out other men and seek their attention, and that greatly bothers me, but what I won't tolerate with this woman is her messing up again, but I married her under the false pretense that she was a loyal, I could have annuled the marriage but I deeply love her and will give her a chance to prove that she can be trusted.

"TRUST" is the key word, but it's hard BackAgain, it really is, you must let it go and quit persecuting yourself because you will never stop being depressed.

I'm sorry for chomping on the bit so much, but I know how you feel and I am here to tell you to please enjoy life and stop torturing yourself okay <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

God Bless.