I"m still new here but have posted a few times on recovery board.

MyFWH has admitted to several PA's recently but has always maintained that it was always only about the sex, that there was never, ever any special feelings or att. to any of these women.We have had many frank discussions about this(including details) and I always had a picture of what went on in my head.

Prolem is it NEVER included holding after the act, but the other night this came out that he had in fact held at least one of them while talking to her afterwards! this is eating me alive, thereisno reason to be concerned about it, HE says but I have to know if anyone else finds this upsetting in the least or would if it were your mate doing the holding. For whatever reason I just can't seem to let it go! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Please let me know how any of you woul deal with this and what do you think of his claim that it ment nothing at all.
To me holding after sex puts a different light on the whole entire situation!

Several PA's and you are worried about the HOLDING? I would like to know why you put so little value on your marriage and vows.

Dear Believer
IT is not that I've put so little value on myM and vows , it was that I had come to terms with the idea of PA's and this makes it seem more than that! How do you feel afterwards when you are being held?? Is it part of the act or does it make you feel extra "loved". It is that that is my NEW struggle. Was there in fact more emotion envolved than I was lead to think??

Doubledose

i am confused.. is he still having affairs? have you come to terms with the fact that he has pa's? please tell me that is not the case.

i would be concerned with the holding and more so the fact that he has had sex with several other women! omg.

i need more information.
mlhb

I think she was saying that now there seems as if there was emotional attachment instead of 'just sex' For some women the emotional attachkment is worse than the physical part of an affair.

What I think mlhb and beleiver are saying is that the fact that he had 'severa' PAs makes him a serial cheater and that is often a whole different scenerio from somone who has one affair and then is active in the recovery of the marraige.

I think this is interesting as it has been discussed before that some women have an issue with 'just sex' as women tend to be more emotional and many of us do not understnad how it can be 'just sex' I find it interesting that you were able to accept that.

Could it be that you really didn't accept that and that is why you continued with the questions?

Have you been tested for STDs? What are the two of you doing as a recovery plan? Has your husband broken all ties to these women?

I am wondering if he travels and this is something that occurs when he is out of town. If so, has he changed jobs or are you now his traveling companion?

Have you considered counseling with Steve Harley?

Maybe he can help you with this additional aspect to your recovery.

my ex was (still could be for all i know) a serial cheater. many times for him i think it was just "sex". but i know for at least some of the ow he had, it was more for them as there were a few that wanted an all out relationship with him. one even told everyone in town he was leaving me and moving in with her!

however, whether it be just sex or more emotional than that, i was never ok with nor did i ever except it. he killed my self esteem for a very long and really messed with my head. i was nothing but a shell just making it through the day. had i stayed with him, he never would have stopped. i deserve MUCH better than that. so does anyone who is married to someone who is a serial cheater and who has no desire to stop the behavior.

mlhb

To answer a few ??
Yes the PA's are over (last Nov.05) and there has been NC since earlier this year Iwatched him send the e-mail to her!
Yes his last job did require him to travel alot but he has changed jobs so that there is very little travel and all very short ones not like before.
We are working on our M in many ways have read HNHN and are now reading SAA and LB . We also begin MC soon I'm in IC already because of being very depressed for the past 4yrs. That is what started his PA's I had drifted into a black world of my own after awhile he couldn't handle no attention no love no sex and started the pa's. we are now trying to get back on track but I'm really twisted up on this new info.
he loves tells me so and shows me daily just needed feed back on the holding thing.
MY last exam showed no std's
Doubledose

DD:

I would like to comment on this and then address your main point about "holding" an A partner.



You can be depressed for 8 Years, and you can withhold sex for 10 years. But that does not allow a Spouse to find someone else.

I can have sympathy for the pressures on a spouse to stray because of the above issues. But the choice to have an A is the wrong answer. A Wayward can Divorce the spouse to persue the OW, or they can choose to resolve the issues in the M.

So, do not allow your WH to blame you for his PA's. That was his choice.

Your M has problems, and you and your spouse need to address them.

As for your spouse "holding" his A partner? Yes he did. Alot. And he wasn't holding you, and continues not to do so. And the more you find out the details of his PA's, you will get even more distressed. He has fondled thier hair, had chit-chat with them, etc.

This demonstrates your Emotional Need for Affection. You need it from your H and you probably need to give it to him as well.

Just my .02

Your right, there is no excuse for an A ever! And I know we have ALOT of work to do to rebuild our marriage and we are working on it. Yes we both have a need for affection, which we wern't getting from each other for the longest time. But he is holding me as tight as I'm holding onto him now! We do love each other and want to fix this mess of a marriage. Thanks for your .02 worth it all helps us to get back on track, he also reads my posts ad any I ask him to.

DD

DD,

I don't want to distract from this thread and the ongoing discussion. I have replied to one of your posts on the Recovery section. I hope that you will consider what I have asked there and perhaps reply.

God Bless,

JL

I think what's bothering you is the loss of exclusivity of the act of holding / cuddeling.

If it was "just sex" they "did thier business" and scurried home to their families. No holding / cuddeling / sweet talk afterward.

The holding / cuddeling after sex is something that you thought you had EXCLUSIVE to you. It is very important to a BS to have something that is exclusive between WS and BS.

It helps to think that we as BS's have something that they have never given to the OP. It helps by giving BS a little more hope / strength to try and reconsile the M.

I can understand and empathize why this is bothering you! I hope WH doesn't have any more little "gems" like this that he is "protecting" your from.

I'm a big believer in radical honesty, getting to the truth detail by detail is far more painful. It sets your recovery back a little as each new detail is revealed.

Stay Strong!

WTF

Thats it , you said it, thats exactly how I feel! Holding and cuddeling should be saved for "making love" not just
for screwing somone!!I still don't get how he could do that!

I'mt trying to stay strong but some days are harder than others <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

DD