It is now 3 months post D day. My husband was having a physical affair full on for the last 2 years and before that a partly physical and emotional affair for another 12 years (!!!!).

Basically, he hasn't desired me (because of an early affair) for about 16 years and we had no sex at all for most of that.

Well, H has done all that has been asked of him (he drew a line in the sand at having therapy for his childhood abuse though). We have had a fair bit of sex in the last month or two on my request (after he was checked out for diseases) as I haven't had any for so long!!

The problem is that neither of us are getting aroused by kissing (I was initially but after I realized it was doing nothing for him it started to do nothing for me either). The sight or touch of me does not turn him on either. He can have sex obviously but needs direct physical contact for it to be possible (I'm trying to put it delicately).

We are starting to dispair as it is very important to both of us that we enjoy kissing and all of the preliminaries.

I've just lost 40 pounds (was on a weight loss program already) so I know I look as good as I can (have the signs of previous pregnancies and weight loss though so no pert breasts etc are on offer).

I know it is very recent all of the happenings and that it may just take time. But I was wondering if anyone else can give me their experiences of how to regain the desire for the BS and the WS.

I'd say it's way too soon to be concerned by this. Keep doing what you are doing and the feelings will come back. Meet each others needs in other areas as well. Time I believe, especially time filled with Love Bank deposits will remedy this.

Looks like the A sucked the life out of him. Hm.... he ought t/g to a doctor and get checked for his dysfunction. You should both be working with an MC.

Read His needs/Her needs either together or separate.

Call Steve H @ MB for some phone counseling. No guarantees but between treatments and counseling, hopefully something will help.

Of course u 2 s/b concentrating not on the sex as much as the communication and looking out for the interests of each other.

Don't ask him what pleases him but rather let him tell you what he thinks he can do to please you. S/b interesting. Guys think sooo different on this matter. Read the book.

L.

Please bear in mind that your H is at an age when physical stimulation might actually be required for arousal. However, my suggestion would be to try not to kiss with the intent of getting aroused - just kiss because you enjoy doing so. Trying to force arousal is a good way to make sure it doesn't happen.

We discussed it all the other night and he had no trouble getting aroused when kissing the other woman.

There is a lot of pain in all this for me as kissing has always been my number one favourite thing and he never really appeared to like kissing or sex throughout our marriage (honeymoon excepted) and now I hear that kissing was what they did for years on end and it is his favourite thing too. I'm starting to think that he just doesn't like me (gee I'm slow to catch on though aren't I?).