Not sure who you work for. I thought there was a mention of IBM. I sure hope Suzet can increase my stock price if that is who she is going to work for.

I was always taught that two wrongs don't make a right. First wrong is Suzet not exposing to OMW. Second is Mr. Pure practicing questionable business ethics to help her avoid the need to do what she really should do. But somehow you seem to think that makes everything right. This whole thread is a diversionary tactic. No. This whole thread is pointless.

I think I read the first post too fast. I thought the BS was wanting to expose to the OtherPersonSpouse, and the WS was objecting. I thought to my self, too bad for the WS! But now that I have read more closely, it is the BS that doesn't want exposure. I have to agree with the good Dr.! The WS should do everything in their power to make the BS trust them...and if abiding by their wishes helps, then they should do that. What might make the WS feel better is to write a whole letter of exposure as if to the OM wife, but give it to the BS and tell them they can send or not send it. I think that would help the WS but give the control to the BS.

Mr. Pure practicing questionable business ethics to help her avoid the need to do what she really should do

What is questionable about seeing if my company has any vacancies that Suzet or her H could apply for ?

You must have been stung in the past by what you perceive as nepotism in the world of employment, is my guess.

You think I would risk my own salary, my employent and the success of a company I care about very much to grandfather two virtual strangers into jobs they are unsuited for, risking the full force of the affirmative action group with the government ?

Regarding your averring that I am "helping Suzet avoid doing what she really should do " have you actually bothered to READ my posts toher on this topic ?

I am SURELY the hardest critic of non exposure on these boards. My offer to help her find alternative employment is to FACILITATE exposure to OMW, not to avoid it. By removing the fear of losing their employment, a major reason not to expose is removed. Can you not see that ?

Pio - Bob is offering to put 2 people in touch - it isn't a guaranteed job. Think of it as a reference. Nothing unethical about that if they meet the job criteria.

IMO anyway it's moot. Suzet will just find more rationalisations and justifications for what she has decided in any case. Mr Pure is just stripping some of em away. I fully expect there will be more yabuts to take their place.

Pio... What in the world was questionable about Bob's offer?

Bob... I think you are doing a very nice thing even looking into it.

BigK...sounds like you are being a bit harsh huh? I don't agree one bit with what Suzet has done.. but I have no reason to question that her motivations are not honest... I don't agree with them.. but I think she is being honest. Wow... me telling someone they are being harsh. What a switch.

LOL Medc. Tell me - do you really think if Suzet wanted to do the right thing WRT OM'sW she wouldn't be able to convince her husband to support her? I just don't buy it. She is clinging like a limpet to her position. Dr Harley says she must have NC but she responds to Harley with a yabut email "I'm so special, my circumstances are so special, surely my circumstances mean your iron-clad rules don't apply to me"

Sorry MEDC - I ain't buying.

And Suzet - I am sure that's a DJ but I ain't trying to get a nice love bank balance with you.

Actually, I can easily imagine this entire subject as being something that someone would be completely unwilling to reconsider.

If her H wants the whole thing 'behind them', I can easily conceive that he would be completely immovable on the subject, and the only way that Suzet or someone could 'do the right thing' would be to completely disregard her FBS's feelings on the subject.

Talk about a rock and a hard place. One more excellent demonstration of how affairs do nothing but screw up everyone's lives.

I sincerely hope that the job situation that might come about by Bob Pure's offer comes about...it seems like the break that Suzet and her H need to ensure NC finally.

BigK... sorry, I was just having a little sport with you... since it was you that has gotten on me in the past about not letting things go... and this very topic is the one I called you on in the past.

But, I do not think that Suzet could convince her H that exposing is the best thing to do at this point. Nope.. I don't buy it. My point has always been that it shouldn't matter... she should expose and let her H know the reason that she had to do it... let him know that it was the right thing to do and also the moral thing. But I believe he is so whipped at this point that he just wants it behind them and over with. If her H were willing to stand up and be counted... he should have confronted this man on his own after the last break in NC.... he obviously is letting a very untrustworthy person (sorry Suzet, but you have proved yourself to be untrustworthy when it comes to the OM) handle the things that a man should do.
I do believe the rules of NC apply to Suzet... thing is, she feels she has special circumstances and has convinced herself that these circumstances are more important than protecting her M. I think she is stating her motivations clearly... I do believe they are terribly skewed though.

MEDC - totally agree.

Thats a very nice gesture of bob pure.I hope it works out
well for suzet and her husband.



.

New-beginningII –

I don’t want you to feel that I’m ignoring you, so I just want to let you know that I acknowledge your posts. To be honest, you said a few things in your posts that felt patronizing towards me….especially after I’ve got the impression in one of your post that you think I don’t have God in my life and that God is not in control of my life (which is not true), but in spite of that, I do know your intentions were/are good and that you were/are trying to help, so thanks for that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Piojito’s –

I’m actually shocked and disappointed that you question Bob’s motives and integrity and refer to his offer as “questionable business ethics”. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> As Bob has said, what is questionable about seeing if his company has any vacancies available that me or my H could apply for? If we apply for vacancies, get to the “short-list” for interviews, go for interviews and in the end don’t fit the criteria for the jobs and/or found unsuitable for the jobs as far as experience and/or skills are concerned, then the job applications and interviews will simply be unsuccessful and we will not get it. But if we indeed fit the job criteria and considered as the best candidates amongst the other “short listed” candidates, we will get it (in an ethical way). It's as simple as that...

BigK –

You know, there is one thing about you I find very fascinating. It is bothering me for a while now and I didn’t want to bring it up, but I’m going to do so now:

I remember when fraidycat originally told you on the TKO thread about her A and that she is still in deliberate contact with OM and never informed her H about her A and never plan to (and basically told you how she live in dishonesty & deception and plan to do so until so goes to her grave), your response to her were extremely “mild” and “kind” (as if you were afraid to withdraw love units from her love bank (or let’s say “friends” bank) for you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />). You made NO attempt whatsoever to encourage her to do the right thing. In you response to her you said: ”I hope you can get some peace. A very non-MB course of action you have selected but I'm not going to lecture you or try to change your mind.” You ended off your response to her with the words: ” I hope we can give you the support you need.” (At the time while I was reading that I was wondering by myself what kind of support you were talking about since you didn’t plan to change her mind or encourage her to do the right things! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />) And then on another post you said to her:

”Thanks for sharing. It's great that you feel comfortable enough with us here to do that.”

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post3112990

The reason I bring this up now BigK? Because I find it very disappointing & arrogant (to say the least) that you find it okay to continuously question my motives, honesty and sincerity (and in the process try to “degrade” me as a person) whilst you treated your previous “friend” fraidycat (who totally operates with dishonesty & deception in her M) with such “kid gloves” at the time… <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Piojitos, I forgot to add something I wanted to say to you in my previous post:

I’ve never seen IBM advertise any of their posts in newspapers/magazines in SA (unless I’ve missed something along the way). My H also checks out advertisements for vacancies regularly and has confirmed that yesterday.

Usually companies who don’t advertise publicly do “head hunting” until they find the ideal candidates for vacancies and since I’ve never seen IBM advertise publicly, I suspect Bob’s company operates the same way regarding recruitment of new employees. Bob can correct me if I’m wrong.

Sorry for the TJ

new_beginning,

Please forgive me for the time lapse in this response....I have not been online all week and I regret that your comments went unanswered for so long. First of all...I'm sorry that my response was painful for you, and I wanted to address some of the things you said.


I did not purposely choose a painful part of your past or "add" the example of your affair....I used the same example that you did. I didn't dredge up your affair to hurt you....your entire post was about your own reaction to your own affair....how you responded differently/better than Suzet has. It was about not needing help from Dr. Harley to know what was the "right" thing to do. I asked how you would feel if someone else did the same thing......and compared their choices (about infidelity) to yours, implying that you had "failed" in comparison. It was meant to be an example of the same <kind> of argument you were using in your post....and NOT <at all> a reflection of what *I* (or anyone else) thinks of you as a person, or your choices. Instead of helping you see how a comparison might feel to Suzet....all if did was hurt you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> ....which was really not what I expected or intended. I should have realized if you were already posting from an angry/frustrated place....you might take my comments personally and I apologize for that.

However, I am not the kind of person who purposely sets out to hurt people....I wouldn't have raised the issue of your affair to shame you (that's not me at all). I used that example because it was foundation for your post and something I thought you could relate to....and you did....just not in the way I was hoping you would.

It's taken you seven years and much suffering to come to terms with the pain of this past mistake....I know that. You're a better person for it. I understand you want to give Suzet the benefit of what you've learned in that journey....and how frustrating any kind of justification sounds when you see the consequences of that kind of thinking on these marriage boards everyday.

Anyway....just wanted to clear the air.

Suzet- I do understand your confusion. Fraidycat was just feeling comfortable telling her story she was/is a newbie. You on the otherhand are not. You know the MB program. You know NC. You know exposure. Your absolute hipocracy is evident to everyone but you. How can anyone take a word seriously uttered by you regarding either of these subjects. NC is the cornerstone of recovery.

With Fraidycat she had just tentatively started sharing her situation. It's nice to get the full story before you come out swinging. In addition I don't see Fraidycat advising other posters about withdrawal or exposure or NC. SO thanks for your lecture Suzet but FC and you are totally different cases.

If I came up against Fraidycat again in similar circumstances I may be more strident in my views. I was a little shellshocked by her admissions I guess.

No news from IBM HR yet.

Strangely, HR didn't report me for "questionable business ethics" when I asked for a current vacancies list.Perhaps they are in collusion with my wicked plan to bring down the company that pays my wages ? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

You asking what positions are available in SA is not unethical. If you were to contact HR in SA and suggest that you knew of someone highly qualified that they should look at or you were to coach Suzet(?) on how to write her resume, that would be unethical. OTOH, you are beginning to sound about as fogged in defending your position as Suzet(?) is in defending hers. Maybe Suzet(?) will turn out to be IBM's soulmate. It could happen.

Pio... you are starting to sound like a horses A$$ for getting on BobP for doing something nice for someone. There is not one thing wrong with what he is doing.

If you were to contact HR in SA and suggest that you knew of someone highly qualified that they should look at or you were to coach Suzet(?) on how to write her resume, that would be unethical.

"If" is a very important word, Piojito. "IF" means "were something to occur ..". And as I have given you nor anyone else any reason to think that the course of action you have conceived of in your dirty little mind is one I will choose, "iF" is moot here.

Please try to read what people actually write before espousing libellous conspiracy theories that are unsupported by any facts.

Fear not should I ever get the opportunity to do YOU a good turn, I will let it pass in case you consider me "foggy".

On MB,
"foggy" means not clear-thinking because one is under the influence
and cannot be expected to use logic

"I love you but I'm not in love with you" is a good example

[color:"blue"]let me see if I can possibly help you out by opening a door but you'll have to complete the rest of the journey on your merit[/color] does NOT sound like it's in the same league as "ILYBINILWY"

but perhaps I am "foggy" as well

*Pep*

Sorry but what looks so odd is that someone in SA looking for a job and has turned over every stone in the process needs someone from the UK to tell her what jobs are available in her own country. Nothing on this thread makes any sense. If all you are doing is providing her a list of openings, is that not something she could just as easily have found out on her own? Or is it because she doesn't want to leave her job? I don't know. If she finds a job at IBM and leaves her current post, we'll all know I was wrong, won't we? Time will tell.