So a week ago I found out my H has been unfaithful. I have been spending lots of time on this site trying to read and understand what is happening to both myself and my husband. We do most of our communicating now by email or IM. It seems to help. We are not yelling anymore. What I am confused about is he keeps making comments about giving it up and when I ask him what is with that he will say well thats the feeling I get from you. I am trying very hard to be patient, listen, talk but I keep catching him lies. One right after another. He even lies about stupid things like how many people he has told we are having problems. He has been IM and emailing my family and bad mouthing me and now my family thinks I am just a B. They do not know that he has been unfaithfull. He don't tell them that. He just tels them that he told me in a not so nice way how he felt. He has told people that he is packing up his personal belogings yet I dont see that accualy happening. He tells people that I have asked him for keys and he asked me to remove my name from the checkbook. These are all lies, and I don't understand why he would tell people this. One minute he is telling me he want to work it out the next he is telling other people that he is packing his stuff and making me look realy bad. I have been snooping in his email and IM chats. He had a conversation with my brothers wife and she told him after all his bad mouthing that I need to grow up and I am controlling him and I am intimidateing him and she accualy said, "you know I never realy liked your wife anyway." I feel like he is trying to turn my own family against me. She even made this comment, "I think you know what to do (H name), Acid. There is no proof." I am not going to say anything to her just yet, but when I do she had better look out. I have the transcripst of there entire conversation.

Any way I am confussed about sticking to it. He is giving me so many mixed signals I dont know what to do. Is this typical behavior?

This is typical behavior. His family sounds a little disfunctional, though.

How long have you been married, and do you have any children?

MCSparky,
I am so sorry that you are here. I am sorry for everyone that finds the need to be here. But, you have found a great place for support.

First of all, it's your family that is dysfunctional. Make sure that you expose to everyone about your H's affair. Let your family know exactly what is going. Let your lovely sister-in-law know how deceitful he has been and how abusive he has been. Next, devise a plan (read up on Plan A and Plan B on this website) for recovery. My H was very defensive at first, too. He is the WS and he had two A's. He just wanted to move on and be done with it. You know, forgive and forget. Oh well. Doesn't work that way. I had to tell him that he had to be ready and willing to stick with me through the good times and the bad. He had to be in for the long haul and he had to understand that this was very difficult. We had to learn to talk it out face to face. Be careful in relying on IMs and emails and text messages. It is very easy to say things there that you wouldn't say to each other in person. But sometimes those things can be very hurtful.

I began a journal and started writing down my feelings. It is a way that we can dialogue back and forth, but I write the most. Most times he just reads and he talks over what I wrote or asked. Your H has to know that he hurt you. You have to help him realize how you feel. He has to decide what he wants to do. Is he committed to the marriage or is he committed to getting out?

Make sure that you expose....especially if he is trying to turn your family against you. Many times WS's do that to alleviate their guilt. You may not want to expose because you don't want to feel ashamed. I am in that situation. In fact my MIL is here visiting for two weeks and she doesn't know. (She is very much a gossip.) Anyway, I am ashamed that my H did that to me. I have not disclosed anything to any family members. Sad that I have to carry the bag of guilt, I know. But, we are in recovery. He has had NC since DDay. It took a pretty serious argument for him to understand that I love him and want this to work, but that there is a HUGE wall between us...namely the OW (in our case, the other women).

I wish you love, luck, patience, and understanding. Remain faithful and steadfast in your convictions to make you rmarriage work. But remember...it takes two. You can't save the marriage alone. Take care. Be strong. And know that there are many who know exactly what you are going through.

SS

McSparky...

I hope that you are still reading here...The above statement made by your sister-in-law REALLY, REALLY frightens me...I would take that to the police, as I view it as a threat on your life...I'm not certain if she is referring to the drug LSD or to actual acid, either way, it is VERY creepy and should not be taken lightly IMO...

Please let us know what's going on and how you are doing...

Mrs. Wondering