My husband told me in august he wanted to move out-he denied an affair all along until I found out 2 weeks ago. He is having an "emotional" affair with a woman he built a house for. She too is married. I have told him that he needs to stop contacting her and he has continued. I have read the book by James Dobson Love Must Be Tough-and it scares me. I am afraid to give him an ultimatum-I do believe he will leave. We have an 11 yo son that thinks his dad is the greatest thing going. The other woman keeps calling him too even knowing that I know and dont want them to be talking.

Have you done any exposure of the affair? Friends, family, clergy?

Read the infidelity FAQ's in my signature below and also read the other links.

Welcome to MB.

Yes I have told our friends from church and our pastor knows. He had a lot of guys from church calling him in august when all this happened and he distanced himself from everyone. He said he doesnt want everyone knowing his business. We also went to counseling about 6 times but this was before the affair was brought to light. He says he doesnt want to go to counseling anymore and also said he doesnt want to go to church anymore but did go last sunday-wasnt into it but was there. My family also knows but none of his. we work in the same place and I have told one guy from work but that is it. I have not said anything to the other womans husband yet although it has crossed my mind. I have also thought about someone calling him anonymously.

Call OW'sH
Call your H's family.

Is your H in NC with OW?

Your best chance of ending the affair is exposing it to the other woman's husband. Don't tell your husband that you are going to do it, just do it.

And yes, he will be mad, but he will get over it. An affair is more dangerous to your marriage.

Big Kahuna- You asked if my husband was in NC with other woman-what does that mean? I am new to this and dont know what all the abbreviations mean. Also if it seems like my husband is trying -he is being more attentive to me and I did notice a lot less calls to her on his cell phone-there was 1 call and it was for 3 mins and it could have been about work-do you still think I should let her husband know or wait and see how things continue with us?

Calling the OW's husband now is your best chance at ending the affair particularly if it is new and hasn't progressed to a physical affair yet....

Do not tell anyone that you are going to do it, just do it and give the OW's husband the same opportunity to deal with his marriage regardless of your husbands flips and flops from being nice to being gone. Do not let this grow and fester. It will become worse with each passing moment they see one another, talk to one another, especially if they sleep together. You may want to get tested for STD's as well.

Hi Robin,

The abbreviations can be found on the just found out board, I believe.

NC- means no contact
BS- betrayed spouse
WS- wandering spouse
FWS- former wandering spouse
BH- betrayed husband
BW- betrayed wife
WH- wandering husband
OW- other woman
OWH- other woman's husband
OMW- other man's wife

I hope that helps.

I know from experience, fear is the number one hurtle in exposing the affair.

Ask yourself, what is worse?

Living with a husband that is openly contacting the other woman and her him and possibly losing your marriage to her?

Or exposing the affair and possibly losing your marriage?

Do you want a marriage that includes three people?

Be bold, and take the plunge and check your fear. Do what your head says, not the heart.

Fear keeps people from doing what they know is the right course to take.

Exposure shines the light on the whole ugly affair and those carrying out the ugly deed. Its hard to carry on an affair when the people you respect know what ugly things you are doing under the cover of respectablity or in the dark.

Take care,

k.d.'s heartbreak

Thanks for the info on what the abbreviations mean-my husband does still have contact with her. I know he spoke to her this morning-she is over budget on her house and asked him to get a printout of her budget from me-she wouldnt want to call mer herself. Anyway I asked him when he was going to give her the papers and he said sometime today. I know that contacting her husband is something I am going to have to think seriously about-it is scary though.

Do not think. Call her husband ASAP.
I know it is scary, but today is halloween isn't it? JK.
I've called by whole WH's family to expose. He was really upset. I told him I was doing whatever it takes to save our M.
He will understand later, or not. But now gather your strenght and try to get OW's H to be your allie (that's how you spell it?)
Sorry you have to be here. But listen to the people here. They've been through what you are going through.
Good luck...

Hi Robin,

I know how scary it is to call her husband.

I never did call the OWH's but have regretted it over time.

I was in a dilemma of whether the OW was innocent as she and my husband explained and the EA was one sided, and she was only doing what was in her job description as Activities Director at my MIL's facility. (Comforting the family of aging/ailing residents). She didn't want or return my husband's love.

Looking back on it, (hindsight is always 20/20) I realize I should have followed the advice given by fellow MBers that said I should have exposed.

If I would have exposed, I would have had an ally to monitor that there was indeed, no contact.

OWH's are a great resource.

I was lucky, I gambled that the OW was telling the truth and the love was only on my husband's side.

It could have gone the other way though, and I would have not known because of not having the eyes and knowledge that the OW's Husband could have provided.

Then there is the fact that the OWH should be informed so that he can protect his marriage and himself from the infidels.

I was a coward, and took the gamble, which by the grace of god, worked out.

((Robin))

take care,

k.d.'s heartbeak

I think I know that I am going to have to contact the OW husband. One of my friends offered to do it anonymously-any thoughts on that? I have been thinking about placing a voice activated recorder in my husbands truck to record his end of phone conversations-any thoughts on that and has anyone ever done that

Robin, I am so proud of you.

You are taking a brave step that will help you keep the affair from going underground undetected.

I would though, bite the bullet and do it myself.

You benefit by having open communication between you and the OWH. You can talk and share and compare information so you know when things are not adding up.

Hopefully, the husband will join forces with you in helping to end the affair.


k.d.'s heartbreak

Remember, the secret is for them to keep. Not you.
Expose, and let the consequences fall on them.

Please expose to OW'sH. If you do not do this you may not end the affair or save your marriage.