FWH works in construction, I know how these guys can be. He tells me last week a co-worker was wearing a t-shirt with a bride and groom on it which said bad mistake.I did`nt say anything. Today he calls me on his lunch break and tells me he has one, again I did`nt say anything to him. he probally sensed my silence and said it was a joke. I`ll wait till he gets home and tell him I am really offended by it.I just think if we are working on rebuilding our marriage, that is one thing you would`nt bring home or even want. This is a huge LB to me.

I can't blame you. I have one who is a complete idiot like that from time to time. Just calmly explain that the shirt hurts you.

Aptiva:

Do you have a fireplace?

Start a fire with that T-shirt.

Tell your H calmly that in spite of all his errors you still do not believe that your M is a "bad mistake" And if he feels that way, then he can change it. Theres the door. Tell him the day that he can wear a shirt proclaiming his love for you, then you will know that he is a real MAN. But he cannot wear that disrespectful shirt. Not in jest. Your silence should have been enough. But he wants to LB with this, and he doesn't care.

Or, you could just hang the t-shirt on a hanger in the dining room. Let him answer it to anyone who asks. If He bought it, let him address it and throw it away. You do not have to. Don't ever wash it. If he wears it, and leaves it for the laundry, return it to him in the same condition, (If you do his laundry) unwashed and unfolded. If he wears it again, treat it with the respect that it deserves. None. Such as a Doormat? or Something to wash the truck with?

Ask him if you can buy the shirt that says "Husband left with the pickup truck, I sure do miss the Truck". Or, "My husbands in construction, because he likes to be around men." Real tough guys in construction. Theres a reason why many of them have lousy relationships with women.

I am full of vinegar today, aren't I? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

That you are......LOL. I don`t know, this has really hurt me today. I don`t know what joke he thinks is in that shirt. And if he does bring it in the house here I don`t really know how Im going to react. I have thought of wearing it myself outside so my neighbors can see it. But I like your idea better and thank you, I did want to get a males point of veiw.

FWH came home form work I asked him where the shirt was. It was in his lunch box. I asked to see it. I told him I was offended by the shirt and that he would bring that home. He stood there proudly with it in front of our 19 y/o daughter. I asked him what was the joke in that shirt. He said someone gave it to one of the guys who was divorced. I said how did you get it? Well he gave it to me FWH said.Again I repeated I am very offeded. He said it was a joke I was gonna give it to your brother. I said stop it. He got up and threw it in the garbage. No more was said.

This calls for a quote for LemmonMan:

"Some people just don't get it. And they don't get that they just don't get it!"

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> ***** Sigh ***** <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I hope he starts to "get it" soon. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Personally, I think you are missing or throwing away a big opportunity.

Instead of being offended, explore why he feels marriage is a big mistake.

If some of his feelings are rooted in your reactions or actions, then isn't this an opportunity to explore that.

But just acting hurt makes it that much more difficult for him to share how he really feels.

It may have been an clumsy gesture, but he's sharing how he feels, why not take the opportunity to learn, instead of just telling him his feelings are wrong?

Would you like someone telling you your feelings are wrong?

What if I said, it was wrong of you to be hurt by his gesture? Would you accept that?

Probably not, so why tell him what he feels or things is wrong? That technique is pretty much guaranteed to close him down, instead of building intimacy.

I may be missing something here? An opportunity? For A FWH that has been telling me everyday he loves me and how he wants for OUR marriage to be better and get better. A FWH that has shown me more passion, caring, tenderness in the last 4 months then I have ever had in 30 yrs of marriage? From a FWH that says he is so happy now? Im missing something? I`m not acting hurt, I am hurt! The only opportunity that was is to LB me. And I think my feelings are justified. I don`t think any BS whos working on rebuilding their marriage would love the sight of their FWS bringing home such a shirt and standing in front of them like they brought home a trophy. And certainly I dont see how bringing in a shirt like that into our house would build anything, thats anti marriage.

I don't doubt that it hurt your feelings. I'm not saying your feelings are not justified.

What I'm saying is that if you only accept good feelings from him, and not allow him to make "mistakes" then there is a good chance he will just shut down.

It obviously hurts you, I don't deny that.

What are HIS feelings surrounding the t-shirt?

Are you reading too much into it?

Is there a kernel of truth in what the t-shirt says that he's not sure he can share openly?

Are your actions going to lead to an open discussion of your marriage, or will they discourage discussion of difficult topics?

To me, this looks like it's all about YOUR feelings.

I may be wrong, but that is my current impression.

Oh This is about my feelings. When Im out and see something that is anti marriage I might laugh at it, but I would think of my FWH`s feelings and not bring it home. His feelings so he states, is after I told him I was offened by it was, I was gonna give it to your brother, then he stated my sis in-law could wear it.When he told me last week about the shirt he never stated he was getting one or that he had a shirt he was gonna give to my brother or sister in-law. When he saw how hurt I was by it, thats when he made those statements.Yes no doubt he may have made a stupid mistake and he may have thought it was a joke. But he knows now in our convo`s how sensitive I am at this point in our marriage. Yeah maybe your right maybe their is truth in what that shirt says, maybe he still misses his friend.After all he did wonder what it would have been like to be married to her.I know he would have NEVER brought that shirt into her home.

Instead of speculating with me, why not have a conversation with him?

Suggest that you want to know the truth, that there is no wrong answer. Ensure that you will not punish him for sharing how he really feels, and ask him if he feels it was a mistake.

Or perhaps just admit that you can see how your behavior at times might lead him to believe that your marriage was a mistake.

You aren't perfect, are you?

Of course not. So I'm pretty certain there are things that you do that have caused him to wonder if being married a mistake.

I'm sure there are things he does that lead you to ponder the same question.

In my unprofessional opinion, it's how you deal with these doubts and disappointments that determines if your marriage will be a successful, fufilling marriage, or a life sentance without parole.

Aptiva:

Your H put a great big bump in your road here.

That is a disrespectful T-Shirt and he treated it like a Trophy.

Was it a possible discussion point? Yes. But, I think enlightend ex is being a little harsh, but you did miss an opportunity. (I often see conflict as an opportunity to clarify something)

The BB is a great place to vent as well.

Your later posts since have given me the ability to discuss what to do next.

Do you get alot of mail order catalogs? We do, My W loves to shop that way.

Some of them have t-shirts in them. Some of them can get pretty rude regarding M. Find one of them with these types of t-shirts, Find an appropriate one that would slap your H and ask him how he would feel if you brought that one. Then explain how he made you feel and ask him what his point was. His real point. It could have been:

1. To be disrespectful to you by indicating all the progress the two of you have made to be pointless.
2. He thought it was amusing, because he really didn't feel that way anymore.
3. By presenting it to Brother and/or SIL to maybe talk to them about M and what he has learned in past 6-7 months.
4. HE doesn't have a clue and he made a serious mistake.

That's the way I would approach it.

And do not ever say that he wouldn't have taken it to OW house. Do not even go there. Does not apply here.

The t shirt saga has ended. FWH had came in from work and said I brought something really stupid in the house yesterday but I have brought something better here today, he handed me a single red rose and said Im sorry that was wrong of me to do that, it was`nt about us and I did`nt mean it about us.We talked and I told him how hurt I had been when I had seen him hold that up to his chest. We hugged each other and said I love you.I guess he just got caught up in that moment at work like the guys do on the jobsite.All and all this man would have never done this years ago(aplogizing) and I really love that he is really showing change, it only makes me love him that much more.He understands now that with the things we have been going through, that it was the wrong thing for him to do at this time.I`m usually not this touchy with things. So lousygolfer, I pick #2