Hi everyone, it's been a few months since I posted. I've been hoping things would have gotten better by now, but they haven't. Quick re-cap- My H and I have had problems with communication since days 1 and I recently discovered he's been "chatting" on-line with women since BEFORE we were married. (at least 6 years) he's been involved in 1 long-term on-line relationship (EA), and 1 EA at work that was about to become physical when I discovered it. He has never been open or honest. Even when I discovered this stuff, he never confessed anything on his own. He answered my questions honestly (as far as I know), but NEVER offered anything himself. He swears he's committed to the relationship, and willing to do anything to fix it. Unfortunatley, our communication has not improved. He acts like he's terrified of me and will NOT talk. That only makes me suspicious that there's still things he's not telling me.

The fact is, I don't trust him. I don't think I know everything there is to know, and I've run out of questions for him. I've been waiting for him to open up and start communicating, and it just hasn't happened. I feel like I don't know him at all. This is not a pleasant way to live.

If he weren't such an awesome father, I probably would have left by now. But, my girls need him and frankly, I need him right now. Our 7-month old just had surgery on her skull, and I need the physical and emotional support from him right now. I just can't trust him. He thinks I should try to forget the past and move on, but the way I see it, we have no past. He's been lying and deceiving from day 1. So where do we start from? I just feel so trapped right now. All I know is that not communicating, and avoiding eachother is driving me CRAZY. Anyway, any advice/ insight would help. We haven't done MC yet, b/c he's not into it, and honestly, I don't think a stranger is going to make me trust him. I just need to figure out how to get through each day under the same roof with him....

Hi confused,

Don't all WS want the BS to just forget about it and move on? lol

Dream on buddy..... (geeze)

Same goes for the WS that want us to blindly trust them again, (right, when pigs fly)

Sorry you have to be back here.

Life just sucks sometimes. I'm so sorry about your baby. This makes things doublely hard, I know.

I was looking at your date that you registered was in 2001 and your kids are 3 and infant, so this is definately a habit with your WS, isn't it.

I understand your delimena. I would have a hard time with that also.

Do you have any family support other than your WS???


k.d.'s heartbreak

He's deliberately dragging his feet to keep you right where he wants you.

Take a look at the links in my sig line and see if they speak to you. If they do, we can go from there.
Mulan

Passive Aggressive is always a term I've used to describe my H. He has never been able to express any feelings verbally. His anger comes out in passive aggressive behavior CONSTANTLY. But, I never applied the Passive Aggressive behavior to how he treats me. But, I see it now. It's so clear after looking at your threads and links. He totally avoids conflict, goes to another world when I try to have a conversation with him. he keeps his answera as brief as possible, and NOTHING I say or do gets a reaction out of him. Which, ofcourse just makes me want to say more awful things to see how much he will take. Kind-of like pinching him to see if he's awake. I get nothing. He has NEVER initiated a conversation, despite how much pain and frustration he's knows I'm in right now. He'd much rather talk about the kids or the weather than the fact that he is on the verge of losing his family. Right now he's laying in the living room, knowing I'm on this site and fuming about it, but do you think he'll say anytyhing?? ******, no. He'll just ignore me for a couple of days, and withdraw further into his la-la land. This is a very lonely place for me. I look at couples who know eachother, and communicate, and I am so jealous. I've tried approching him in the ways listed on the web site. Like I said, he ususally agrees, says whatever he has to to get out of the conversation, and has usually rolled over and is snoring before anything is resolved. It's infuriating, and I wonder if he would be this way with any woman he got involved with or if it's just me. Does he just say he loves me to avoid all the problems that would arise if he didn't?? How will I EVER know if what he says (always VERY brief) is real or not? I would like to find a way to live with him for the sake of the kids. Like I said he's a great dad, has a great career, and is very helpful around the house. (in his passive-aggressive "I shouldn't have to be doing this" way). I guess he's a pretty good room-mate. But, a lousy huisband. I jsut don't know what to do to make living together bearable. What did you do??

I do have some family support, however they don't want to get too involved. I really don't have anyone to talk to who could be objective. And talking to H is like talking to myself. I'm home with the kids most of the time, which just gives me more time to resent and feel sorry for myself. But, my kids need me right now, and I don't want them to suffer as a result of their dad's issues. I suspect there are a lot of people in my shoes who don't talk about it. I would do anything for my kids. And, they need their dad, too...

"It's infuriating, and I wonder if he would be this way with any woman he got involved with or if it's just me."

Yes. He would do it with any woman he married. It isn't YOU, it's HIM.

Go to counseling, even if you have to go alone.

Confusedsahmom...

whats the tone in your home...

are you happy to see him every day...
is he welcomed the second he walks in the door...
do you speak your admiration and appreciation...

is there a lot of intimacy and SF iniated by YOU...

what's the tone like really

ARK

CS Mom - Take a look at the second link in my sig line. It is for an MB thread where several of us are dealing with P/A spouses. If you are short on time, start with page 53. There is a lot of practical information there. When you have the time, I think you will find reading the entire thread to be very valuable.

Let us know how you're doing.
Mulan

P.S. He sounds like the king of the Conflict Avoiders. He will do this as long as it works for him. Your pain means no more to him than it would mean to any 10-year-old child and will never be a motivator for him to change. It has to be done in other ways. The link to that thread will give you some ideas that have helped several of us here.

ark- I'm not sure where you're going with this- I definitely took him for granted in the past, as he did me. He set the tone in our home of avoidance. He always kept me at an arm's length distance, but wanted me to give him constant admiration and validation. I gave up on that very early on b/c I was getting nothing in return. I guess I hoped things would change eventually, and he had already moved on. So now I'm just trying to be civil b/c I'm way too angry and frustrated to "give him" anything.

I'm trying to keep myself under control mainly for the kids. Oddly, there is still "intimacy", although I wouldn't call it that now. Now we're kind of like friends "with benefits"- no emotional attachment for me anyway. We're getting our physical needs met, but no emotional needs are being met. I know that sounds crazy, but that's where I'm at. It's good, but I know it can't last like this. I need more and I know he does too.