A friend of mine that I knew from high school over 13 years ago recently got a hold of me, by chance, online. Her and I were good friends, never involved, but good friends. I have a good Christian friend of mine who says that I should basically not be friend with her because that could cause a hinderance in her marriage... and to a degree it IS a concern of mine.. not that I feel it is happening, but I've had other female friends who have, during trouble in their marriage, said things to me that were of the "cheating" nature. I respectfully shot them down expressing my care for their family and kids since I care for them, then I would make them tell me things that they like about their husband and the times when they laughed together and the good memories.... so I guess I'm a bit torn.. I see my friend's point.. but totally cutting her out of my life when we were such good friends prior seems just wrong....

any feedback would be appreciated, either way. Thanks.

Hi Peter,

My suggestion is to stay far away.If you have not seen or heard from her in 13 years that is also a good reason.Why restart now?

You have been wise to avoid the other women who contacted you.Point is if a married man/woman is seeking out other's of the opposite sex online,it's usually not just for "friendship".Or at the least it usually doesn't lead to that,it leads to a whole bunch of heartache.I doubt it was just "chance" this woman found you.

There have been numerous couples that have been affected negatively by online contact.Many came here seeking help.I'm from the school of thought where a couple has to know other's for a long time and BOTH be comfortable with opposite sex friendships and even then,I'm not sure it's a good idea.Everyone has to be 100% open and honest about all contact.

Be careful.If you find yourself making justifications to talk to this woman and trying to convince yourself "it's fine" or "nothing will happen" then think twice. It's a very slippery slope:



See? Prevent any more feelings from forming by staying away.I see red flags on the horizon.

This relationship is an emotional relationship. You can still be friends....but only in the arms length of her and her husband together. You should not have a relationship with her as a married woman. This has been printed over and over in many books. You cannot be a close friend....to a woman that you knew 13 years ago. This will never be a friendship relationship...it will be an emotional relationship.

Just wish her luck...and say...if you would like to get together with her husband around that would be fine...and discuss with her husband that you two were friends a long time ago...and proceed from there.

Just as you with past relationships. You cannot interject a 3rd person in a marriage. NOw women can have women friends...and men can have men friends. But to have the opposite sex friends...is the start of trouble.

Good LUck.

Ok, for some reason I had to register a new account and I am unable to reply or view postings with my former account.

Here is one issue I have.. there is physical abuse going on in the relationship and violence toward the children. This is something that I am unable to turn my back to. I can't and I won't. I cannot justify abuse in the name of marriage. I encourage her to do something, and to get support from her friends, we live almost 1000 miles apart. While I do know the tendancy for women to latch on to a guy who is nice to them while their spouse isn't, I cannot close my heart toward a friend in need.

Call the police and report the abuse. They'll ask you how you know about it (especially since you live so far away). Tell them about your correspondance, provide the emails, etc. That way you are not turning your back on a crime. But personally I would advise you to stay away from your old friend and not do anything to encourage continued communication between you. To do so makes you an impediment to their marriage.

You might find that that calling the police isn't what your old friend would want you to do anyway. You wouldn't be the first guy who had someone from their past pop up and exagerate their circumstances in order to gain sympathy. She might be interested in pursuing something outside of her marriage and her confiding to you this abuse could be an easy way for her to involve you in her life.

It's not like this is the only married woman I'm friends with... furthermore, I've been friends with married women who have shared their struggles with me in their marriage.. both of us keeping our guard up as Christians. Even my sister shares things with me and guess what!~ We have an emotional relationship! Guess that goes against what you all believe? Sorry, not gonna end that.

heh.. I get the feeling that if I were to tell her "Hey, good luck with your life, I can't be friends with you unless I'm friends with your husabnd too, and since he's an abusive person I guess we won't be talking. But if you ever get divorced, it's ok for us to enjoy a friendship."

I bet if I did that, everyone on this board would approve. What's the verse? Strain out a gnat and swallow a camel? I'm actually encourgaing her to hold on to her marriage. She's told me "That's it I'm done." and I told her to hang on and try the council of James Dobson in one of his books. I have a feeling if I were to tell her what you all are suppossing I tell her.. we might find that I'm talking to her again real soon with everyone's approval. Hardened hearts in the name of righteousness. Jesus was angry with the pharisees for that. Is it lawful to do good on the Sabbath or not? I'm half tempted to do exactly what is recommended by the majority in this thread just to see how long it takes for her to get divorced so I can praise you all for your wonderous council.

Dude, I'm going to ask you a serious question that will require an honest answer on your part...

What exactly is it you get out of these friendships with married women?

I know a lot of married women too and I consider them my friends, but I don't spend much time talking to them independent of their husbands. I don't run away if I see them without their husband, but it's very clear right up front where we both stand and there is no chance of any misunderstanding. I have no desire/need to be friends with a woman outside of my or her relationships.

If i had to guess I'd say you like these friendships because they are very non-threatening to you. These women are taken and so there is no pressure on you to be something that you aren't or to even try to appeal to them in any way other than as a friend. Of course if this leads to a more intimate friendship, one where you both confide personal information to each other, then what's the problem, right? Well the problem is that a married woman shouldn't be confiding personal information to another guy without her husband's express knowledge and understanding of the friendship.

As to your sister you're just trying to be snide. She's your sister! You are supposed to have a close relationship with her that you both can trust and be able to confide to each other. But the fact is if your sister is telling you stuff she won't tell her husband then she isn't being fair to him. My siblings know that even though we have a close relationship anything they tell me ultimately has to be shared with my wife. If they don't want my wife to know something I tell them not to tell it to me. The spousel relationship should always come first no matter what.

That is exactly how my X began his A with a married woman. She confided in him that her H was abusing her AND their daughter. My X wanted to be her "knight in shining armor"....
They ended up splitting up 2 families.
I am now raising 3 teenagers on my own.
I feel like you are playing with fire.....
KK

I appreciate all your input. "Love your neighbor as yourself", or "As you want others to treat you, you treat them." As long as I live by this, I am doing well.

You haven't seen this person in 13years?



and:



What makes you think she is even telling you the truth?

MB

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Each decision we make, each action we take, is born out of an intention.
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So you think it's all right to have a relationship with a married woman that her husband doesn't know anything about? Are you treating her husband the way you would want someone else to be treating you?

peter,

It sounds like you don't approve of our opinions.That's fine,ultimately you can do whatever you want.People seem to get snippy and sarcastic when they don't get the pat on the back for things most of us see all the time here that lead to trouble.

I also get the feeling you may be way more involved with her already than you let on.You sound defensive which is always a sign in my book and we are not talking about a relationship with a sibling,we are talking about a married woman despite her claims of "abuse".You asked for feedback so I will just hope that things go well for the woman and her kids and good luck to you.

Not only that, what could you do for her? You cannot physically help her, so you would provide emotional support? Like others have said, that is the first step in the slippery slope.

I see that you are going to do what you want anyway. Read the books on how affairs started! I too, believe your relationship has gone further than what you are stating. What about having a talk with her, with her husband around? You didn't answer my ? in a previous post. With her husband around....he will be treated like you yourself would like to be treated. Honestly, and if you are concerned about her...you should let her husband in and show the (two) of them that you are there for both of them. When you leave a spouse out...you are entering a threesome....and this is an affair.

You are getting defensive...look into the Bible and show me where Jesus would want you involved in a married couples life. When you are leaving the other spouse out of the picture and of course dealing with the opposite sex in a marriage. Yes...Jesus wants us to help our neighbors and treat others like we ourselves would like to be treated. You are not treating this couple fairly. You are investing your time in one spouse...female (opposite sex of you). Your marriage is in bad shape...and you are her sounding board. Not what Jesus would want. Like I stated earlier...talk to the two of them together...and that is what Jesus would want. Of course...counseling with a 3rd person would be better.

Your defensiveness is bringing forth something else, which you are not disclosing. Many of us have been here many years...many of us have gone through a divorce through betrayal...and many of us have learned so much and gained so much through counseling, reading, and experience. We are not at all professionals...but we can relate and see RED FLAGS. Counseling with the Harleys was very beneficial for me...and I in my dating process now....see RED Flags. Before I would of denied them, let them pass and so on. Not now...I am more aware!

What you are doing as the last poster stated....this is the 1st step in the slipper slope. And you are sliding fast.

Take care....Blessings....and I will pray for you.

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can I be friends with a married woman that I used to be friends with before she was married???

No. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Have you not read ANYTHING on this site?