I'm no expert of course, but Noodle's summation sure sounds a lot like a love/romance addict. Have you read anything about that, RLT? If not, Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody, might be a good place to start.

My husband has multiple DSM-IV diagnoses (love addiction is not one of his issues, BTW). Proper treatment and therapy, including MC, have made an incredible difference in him. Yes, his problems will always be there, but he has become a wonderful husband despite them.

The biggest factor was his desire to change. That desire was fueled by wanting to make amends to me for affairs and other hurts over a lifetime.

While he doesn't post on this website, he knows the basics of Dr. Harley's rules and policies, and appears to be living them.

So, it can be done. We've been married 24 years, together 31. It's only in the last year or so that I finally feel married. It's a great feeling.



Dr. Harley's principles

I'll be back when I have more time.

Silly me, I shouldn't let that stuff ruffle my feathers.

Mimi...AKA Miss Sunshine...

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Hmmm..

Have you spoken with the counselor specifically about the fantasy issue or is this person dealing strictly with sex addiction?

Is the counselor of the opinion that he is addicted?

Do you have an IC for yourself?

Have you been able to address your role here not in relation to ENs but in relation to ...I don't know what...being unable to see what was there instead of what you wish was there?

I mean..we all do this to some extent.

All BSs close our eyes to some red flag behavior that we realize in hindsight..hey you know what..I *did* know that was there but I chose to deny the obvious.

I didn't want the conflict and I wasn't prepared to accept what I KNEW my decision would need to be if I maintained my standards. So I closed my eyes.

That was really stupid of me and I will regret it every day of my life.

So..as all couples do...the two of you have a dance...have you figured out your steps in it yet...that could be a big part of determining whether recovery is an option for you.

This is my basic scale of measurement..yours may be different.

First find your boundaries and standards.

Then determine whether your marriage as it is right now today this minute meets/exceeds those parameters OR if being in the marriage requires you to accept what you have already determined as an unacceptable lifestyle.

If the marriage meets the standards you are probably doing more or less OK. Maybe some days are better than others..maybe some ENs need tweaking...but in general everyone is doing what needs to be done and the water is smooth and clear.

If not then you have a crisis situation.

What your history suggests to ME is that the crisis point was reached fairly early on but rather than hit the eject button you panicked and moved the boundary. Then you had to keep all the balls in the air to sustain that denial that the house..is in fact..on fire.

Until it burned down despite your best and most sincere efforts.

So as you sit loking at the pile of rubble formerly known as your life you have to decide whether to rebuild the house or move on.

Know that you are justified in either choice... but both of them will cost you. That can't be avoided because the house is irretrievably gone and you invested in it for a long time.

It's important to LEARN what happened and what your role was in it because it is YOU making your choices and you that has to live with them.

If you want to try to rebuild...you have to reprogram yourself to NOT react in the same way that allowed the incendiary dangers to exist...you also have to determine what materials you require.

Your H may not be able to become the material that you need because this is a character or mental illness issue. In other words..it wasn't an abberation..he was being HIMSELF while a WS. The WS has been present in your M from the beginning.

I think I would ask IC and MC for some specific goals and ask them to help make an outline and ask them to help you set realistic goals/expectations so that you can decide whether you can accept this model/material or if it just really isn't going to work for you in time.

Slight TJ:



Sorry,Noodle. I'm bad about jumping to conclusions. Plus, I never heard of that expression...a new one for me.

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Blame Big K...

I stole it from him.

[Passing the buck on down the line]

I don't know what happened. We got in an arguement, not a big one. Then he said he was done. I tried not to beg and plea. I don't think I did. It was another horrible scene in front of the kids. He says it's over, it's too hard, he tried but it's just too hard.

PLEASE someone ... TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!

Should I file for divorce?

RLT:

He will be back.

And if he doesn't come back, what are you going to do?

That is what Plan A is all about. You improve yourself so no mtter what the WS does, you can move forward.

IF he is a cake-eating serial cheater, then good riddance. None of it is good for your kids.

And as a BS, you do not have to do all the changing, the WS has got to Man-Up as well.

And then, when he comes back, what are you going to do?

LB

I don't think he will be back. I've done the Plan A thing. It didn't work. I can't do Plan B for financial reasons. If I sit around, he'll raid the 401K again.

He did not want to man up. He wanted to wallow, and then blame it on me, saying that no matter what he did, it wasn't enough.

RLT,

Did you two discuss what he thinks he has done to improve your M?

I posted this in recovery, looking for responses over here as well:

My FWH wrote this no contact letter last night. I read it, did not comment on it at all. I want to see what you call have to say. It has NOT yet been sent:

OW,

I am writing this letter as an attempt to insure that there will never be any contact between us. I am also writing this letter out of love and respect for my wife and children. I also want to apologize for the pain and hurt that I have caused your family.

Our relationship has hurt somany people, ourselves included. We had no right to cause so much destruction to the people that were closest to us. The damage we have caused has left our marriages in a state of utter devestation.

Please do not attempt to contact me in any way and I will also do the same.

My wife and I are trying to reconcile our marriage. Although I can never truly repay the hurt I have caused her, I owe her every opportunity to try and restore the trust I have failed.

God bless you and youre family and I hope you can understand my desire to restore my relationship with my family.

Sincerely,
FWH.


Please tell me what you think.

rlt

I like it ALL except for the last paragragh.

I think that should go...that stuff about "I hope you can understand"..downplays all that went beforehand...

It doesn't matter if she understands or not.

This is the way it is and will be FOREVER should be the message to her.

Ditch the last sentance and it's a winner.

Wouldn't hurt to have a line about regretting it.