So, I have been broken up with G for about six weeks now. I moved on rather quickly, and never looked back at things.

G's subsequent actions only helped me move on, as she unleashed a barrage of long, convoluted e-mails, everything from "I don't understand" to "I have now seen the light, and have lived my life in a useless way, and have now changed to be exactly like you, so why won't you give us a chance", etc. Anyway, unlike Big, I am not getting sucked back in <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.

But, she finally left me a message saying that she is having a very hard time moving on, and that she would really appreciate if we could get together and talk in person a bit, to help her move on. So I agreed, because I got the feeling that if I didn't, she might show up on my doorstep one day.

Anyway, what's done is done, and I plan to meet her this weekend for coffee or something. I am sure that she will try her best to get me back, rather than try to listen to me and understand, so that is fine; but it won't work.

We'll see how it goes, stay tuned.

AGG

It's been 6 weeks? Time does go fast!

Well....I would say.... be prepared to have your socks blown off. It will be interesting to hear your thoughts after seeing her again.

My second thought is.....you stopped by the board and thought it was a little quiet. Decided to liven it up a bit eh? [j/k]


K!

Someone needs to liven it up. I need to live vicariously through the people here. I need to know that someone is going out on a date, since it is not happening for me.

AGG,
If you remember my story...I'm going to throw in my 2 cents worth...I too needed "closure" in regards to my breakup...I wanted him to know exactly how I felt - yes, I still loved him, yes, I wanted things to work out between us, but I felt that if I didn't get this out to him, I would find myself always wondering "what if"...I got my closure. We still have feelings for each other...but we will both move on as we both realized that we couldn't come to an agreement. We agreed to disagree so to speak.

We are no longer together. It doesn't change anything in regards to our relationship...just needed to let him know some things...Not sure if this helps or not...but just wanted to comment none the less.

Today was the day I sent my "no contact" letter to him...wishing him the best...I feel much better today than I have for a while - maybe this is what G needs to have happen...she needs to REALLY hear that this is what is best?

Karona:


Oh, right, this will be the "new and improved" G, who will suddenly be into an early schedule, housekeeping, camping, being active, cooking, etc... My internal question will be "so where was this person for the 9 months that we dated", and my external response will be "that is nice, and I am happy for you, but I am no longer interested in a relationship with you, as my feelings have changed".


A little quiet?? It's been dead!

newly:


Well, don't look at me, I am dateless and boring. Maybe Anna will chime in and tell us about the new guy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />. Or Lexxxy, or GG - it's been too quiet on those fronts <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.

Diamonds:

I appreciate your thoughts, and I suppose that this is what I hope would happen, that G would get her closure. But I don't think she wants closure, I think she wants to be convinced that we are not meant to be, which is impossible to do - as I went through my "reasons" by e-mail, she repeatedly picked things apart branch by branch, and neatly categorized them into bins of "I've changed this about myself and am now just like you", "Love will overcome this", or "Doesn't matter". What she fails to see is that you cannot divide and conquer reasons why someone does not want to be with you - it is the sum of all things, not the individual things.

I no longer want to be with G, either the G I knew, or the new and improved G. It doesn't matter. But I think she wants to argue about it, which would make for a very short meeting.


Oddly, I don't have any feelings for G at this point. Care, concern, yes, but certainly not love, if that's what you mean.


Maybe. But I don't think that she agrees that it is for the best, and I think she plans to use this meeting as an opportunity to convince me of that point of view, which will be a waste of both her time and mine.

AGG

And....we can thank your cave man friend BigGuy for that!

I think it's nice that you are meeting w/ her. She's still digesting and I can relate to feelings of wanting closure.

For you, when you finally broke it off, it was a decision well over 2-3 months in teh making. She's only had 6 weeks. She's still in love. You aren't, which BTW, I find very interesting........I wonder if you *really* loved her to begin w/.

Meh, I'm really feeling for her, b/c when BF broke up w/ me, I was STILL a mess 4 mo's later (good thing he came a'crawlin' back <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />) Poor thing, in all her efforts in trying to win you back or convince you back, all she's accomplised is to drive you further away and convince you she's become a bit unstable.

Give her her closure, be kind, but be firm. Oh and don't forget to pack some heat <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

J/K of course!

Time to jazz this place up!

Interesting thoughts. I was with B for nearly two years. Broke up in June and I too never got closure. Seems that he may have gotten over it very quickly also, although I will never know. Very painful, and trying very hard to not think that all men are the same. There are so many unanswered questions, yet I feel for us to meet would be unwise; I'd welcome the opportunity to work on the relationship, just so fearful of any more pain or rejection. So I've made no contact with him, nor him with me. Once again moving on.

Please rethink you plan to meet with G. Some questions are better left unanswered. Seems unlikely there is anything to be gained; seems she wants you back, and no anwers you can give her will be enough, unless her motive is really to just understand. Somehow, I think her motive lies elsewhere and without your desire to consider a relationship, only more pain for her to endure.

Keep us posted. Always a lot to learn here.

I can too. I just don't think she'll get closure. Like jasminelady says, I think G wants the relationship back, not closure. That ain't happening.


I know, and I understand that I pretty much made my decision back in June, even though I was hoping she'd prove me wrong, which she didn't. For her, it was more of a shock. Yet it's not like I didn't tell her of my concerns - rather her choice to dismiss each one with a "well, it's important to accept your partner as-is, and I am not planning to change much". Fine, so I made my decisions based on what I saw...


Why is that a surprise? Isn't it classic Harley EN-speak - I was in-love with her when she met my needs, but as I got to know her and see how many needs she would not be able to meet, the love withered away. Textbook, isn't it?


I'll try to be kind but firm, but I doubt it'll help her. It's not what she wants to hear.

AGG

I don't fully know your story; are you saying that you did not understand why he broke up with you, or that you did not agree with his reasons?


All the same in what way?


Yup, I understand. Believe me, I do not want to meet with G, nor do I want her on my doorstep, which I think she'd do if I rejected the meeting. But yes, all she'll get out of it is more rejection; if she hopes that it will lead us to working on the relationship, she'll be disappointed. She specifically said that she wants help in moving on, so I will take it at face value, even though I know her real intentions are different.


I agree. I told her over and over to let it go, to move on. She refuses to do so. As DW has said, this has done nothing but help me cut the ties to her, because she is behaving in an unstable manner; not the most attractive thing to do. But I am pretty certain that if I don't meet with her, she'll only elevate in her mind the importance of a meeting, and will probably show up here uninvited. I don't want that, so I'll plan to meet her in a more predictable environment.

AGG

Closure is a misnomer. Closure is what happens when you get over the person. Until then, there a wide-open, raw wound. Period. End of discussion. Personally, AGG I think you need to leave the heat at home and bring all the icy coldness you can muster. You need to use your manner to repulse her, I mean, push her away. I think it would be a kindness in the end.

As to me, in general, I’m glowing, but trying very hard to hide it. I resent being in love.

You need to help her get over you. I suggest the following:

-Tell her you've been making a lot of new friends with people you never thought you'd be friends with before, but refuse to say more.
-Say "FABULOUS" a lot.
-Smile appreciatively at young men who walk by.
-When she asks how you've been, smile contentedly and tell her how you've really be working on getting in touch with who YOU really are. That it's something you were afraid to do your entire life, but now that you've started, you've found it's not so bad. Sure, it's a little scary. But it's exciting and fun, too. And you feel much more at home in your own skin these days.
-Whenever she remarks that she feels she wouldn't like something, respond with, "Believe me, if there's one thing I can say now, it's that you never know whether you'll like something until you've tried it!" You can basically say the same thing with minor adjustments even if she says she's interested in trying something new.
-Talk about improvements you're making to your house. It's fine to talk about the structural stuff, but be sure to talk about the design stuff, too.
-Describe someone as "really butch."



At first I started list that had you being dirty and gross. But then I remember that's sort of the extreme of yoru issues with her, so that wouldn't work.

Love it! Here’s a move that should definitely help her move on, a move I saw in Paris. We were sitting having an apéritif at a café. A medium sized woman and a slight man came in and sat down. The man had a fitted pink shirt on, probably bespoken. I admired it, maybe my ten year old daughter could fit in it.

Well, the man goes inside to use the facilities. He comes back and before he sits down he tosses his hair. It was a full-blown, model-style hair toss. Only thing, he was bald, bald, bald. Maybe he forgot he had shaved his head.

I say, go for the hair-toss.

I guess I am confused by the situation. The way I saw it, he ended it because of differences we had, that I wasn't aware he felt strongly about. He never mentioned them as important, just said it was a combination of factors in his'decision'. The hurt I felt stemmed from the feeling that he harbored feelings and didn't discuss them, therefore, the big shock at his wanting out. In retropect, I feel he was a lot like you in taking time to decide, but unlike you, didn't voice his concerns or give us the ability to talk, problem solve.

This lack of communication was also seen in my ex. Harbored things then whammie, affair so blantant that when confronted, immediately moved out never to return. He too refused to be able to have an intimate, relationship discussion. However, he declined marital counseling and I was in a hold pattern, doing Plan A, until my love bank was zero. Finally filed for divorce, to bring an end to the pain.

The final end with B happened when a girlfriend was over, checking her profile on match and who should I see on there, B. I was shocked. He too was a BS and we spent hours and hours talking about the demise of our marriages, affair, his ex had affair with Mr. Q from work, made B move out and moved Mr. Q right in. She too refused counseling and filed immediately. They have been married for seven years now. B is full of anger and resentment towards her, calls her the 'psycho [email]b@*%#%'[/email] still nearly eight years later.

I guess my red flag was his anger and resentment. Never let go, hasn't come to terms, and certainly accepts no responsibility for his part in the marital death. Yet, we promised each other honestly and communication; when I communicated, he felt I was being emotional. When he didn't communicate, I felt things were good.

This summer and fall has been a test of my self-worth and dignity. Not a day goes by that I don't wish this could all be different. While he was compatible with me in most every way, his inability to communicate problem areas and his apparant infedility is more than I can bear.

The pain of rejection, his ice cold and foreign demeanor scared me. My children had become very close with him and he loved to spend time with them. Pain also stems with how he could just disappear, without a word to them. They now feel that they didn't matter to him. Maybe G needs this from you, but let me tell you it is hurtful, yet may give her the ability to reach down into herself and finally know it is over.

Please let us know how it works out.

On another note, I recall your kids spent time with her also. How did you explain to them and how are they now that she is no longer around?

You're getting sucked in enough to meet.

You don't have to answer your door.

I don't think this will give her "closure" - I think more contact will just prolong her denial.

I personally find needy/clingy behavior repulsive, but at the very least it is disrespectful, considering you have already gone over (and over) the reasons you did not want to continue the relationship. I can't stand when people get in "repeat mode," asking the same questions again and again because they don't like the answer.

Thanks for all the thoughts. I agree - this meeting will not likely do her any good. But on the off-chance that it will, I am willing to do this for her.

I will definitely limit it to this one meeting, and I'll want to have it in an open area with people around, and limited in timeframe.

Past this, she's on her own. There is a huge difference between understanding and accepting, and I can help her with the former but not with the latter.

AGG

Right or wrong, I'd do the same.
To try to help...

And... I'd 'make myself' not being that B2M he 'loved'... rather someone 'different', 'new', 'changed'...

I just talked to her on the phone, trying to set up our meeting. Of course we ended up chatting for an hour, which gave me a preview of her "position". It seems to be quite simple - "The 'new me' is exactly what you wanted, so why wouldn't you want to give us a chance?".

To which I respond that I simply have no interest in dating, which is totally true - I find that demolishing my son's bathroom is way more satisfying at this point...

She tried to say that I never gave her a chance to change, to which I replied that when I broke up with her (unsuccessfully) in June, I gave her all the same reasons, and she promised to change, but nothing changed. She did acknowledge that this was the case.

Anyway, we are set to meet on Sunday, although after this chat, I am not sure what more there is to discuss.


Yeah, I tried that in the chat, but it seems to have the opposite effect. I think it is the whole distancer/pursuer thing at play; the more I distance, the more she pursues.

AGG

I concur with this. I always found it best to make a clean break in a relationship. That's not to say that you shouldn't be nice or respectful, but the reality is if another person is trying to find an excuse to keep pursuing a relationship any nice behavior can easily be misinterpreted:

"He didn't tell me off so he must still like me a little!"

Be polite, but be firm. I'd say agreeing to meet with her was a mistake. Make the best of this by leaving no doubt in her mind that you don't want to see/date her anymore.

In other words, she did not change (assuming she has changed in reality and not just in her fantasies - something I personally find somewhat doubtful) until she was faced not merely with the prospect of loss but with the fact of it. Only desperation was able to drive her to test how far she could push herself out of her habitual mold into something which might lead to the recovery of what she had lost. So even if those changes are real, what are the chances they will "stick" once they have accomplished their purpose?

The thing is, there is some validity to her previous position that "it's important to accept your partner as-is." If a particular change is something you want to accomplish anyway, and the encouragement of a partner helps you to do it, then you've got a positive situation. But if hanging onto a relationship requires you to change yourself into something you would not otherwise care to be, then you've got a negative situation.

I read a book a while back - possibly Leil Lowndes's How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You (though I'm not sure about that) - in which the author stated in her preface that while it may be possible to "win" just about anyone who was open to the possibility of a relationship, you should think twice about actually doing it. The problem is, the way you do it is to build the perception that you are exactly the kind of person they want (or at least the kind they believe they want). The amount of effort that will take is relative to how much you really are like the person they want. So you might be able to "win" them - but in the end will it be worth it?

The answer provided by infatuation might be rather different than the one provided by sober judgement. The latter voice will be speaking long after the former voice has gotten distracted and wandered off chasing butterflies...