From what I have heard (I have met several attorneys), it does not look like I will lose the custody of my child, primarily because of (1) WH's arrest in 2004 (sex addiction) and (2) WH's moving out in May 2005 and I have been the primary care taker. Also, while it is not as a big deal as the 2004 arrest, WH's 2006 arrest (DUI) should not help either.

BUT, I have this fear. I have read some of the stuff on this board as well where fathers trying to get the 50/50 custody. I do not want this. WH sees DS4 according to the standard visitation schedule currently.

I want a full custody for two reasons:
(1) I believe I do better job raising my son (I do not swear whereas WH constantly uses 'shi$$' and F words, I don't let him watch TV all day long like WH does, I don't let him stay up late like WH does, I DO screen TV shows and movies for DS4 which WH does not do, I do not watch porn whereas WH does, I clean the house whereas WH lives like a pig, I teach WH to clean up after himself but WH can't because he does not even clean after himself, I do not own guns whereas WH does and he does not even LOCK those guns, I cook balanced meal for DS, I let him take classes outside of school whereas WH never considers those things, I look up for better school & checking out the school scores, etc., whereas WH has no clue, I communicate with DS's teachers on a regular basis but WH never calls or talks to them about DS's development or day-to-day activities, the list goes on).

(2) I want to be with DS4, period. I can't bear the thoughts that because of WH's selfish action, I have to lose my time with DS (which I have already, since I have to give up every other weekends and week night).

Now, I understand loving fathers may argue that at least my (2) reasoning is not good enough because Dads also want to spend more time with their kids and it is not fair for Moms to have the previlage. BUT, while we were living together, one of my complaints for WH was that he did not help me with DS. He only wanted to spend time with DS when he had nothing else to do. He never took him out to the park nor taught him some sports, etc. I asked him to spend more time with DS and he replied he was 'busy' because he was watching TV or playing a computer game. So, to me, just because NOW he lives away and does not get to see DS on a regular basis, all of the sudden he wants to spend more time and BELIEVES that he has the right to take my precious time with my son away is pretty upsetting and unfair. Besides, DS feels safer with me and whenever he feels sick, weak, lonely, etc. when he is with WH, he says he wants to come home. Also I take him to meet my friends' kids and to church whereas WH does not have many friends so DS always ends up spending time only with WH.

So, I just want to make sure I will secure my position to win the custody.

One of the attorneys I spoke with said that now the study shows it is better for a child to have a sense of belonging, and to have a home where he/she spends more time rather than spliting his/her time 50/50 between the parents. And because of that, my attorney said these days judge may favor to grant residential custody to one of the parents. The other one told me that because of the practical issues (both parents need to live in the same city/school district or close by to be able to drop off and pick up the child), 50/50 may be difficult.

Again, I do not think I will lose my case for now. But I heard that after two years, WH COULD file for custody trying to get more time with DS (I don't think he will win the full custody, but he can try to get the 50/50 custody in two years). By then, his 2004 arrest will be off the record.

I am terrified to think this. I don't even have any family members in this country, and if the only family member I have (= DS) might also be taken away from me???

Is anyone familiar with this issue? Is the 50/50 custody still popular?

Your inputs are appreciated!!
Milk

Typically, unless your husband makes a big stink, if you are currently doing tradition EOW shared custody, then that will probably continue until after the divorce.

I do have to admit that as a father, in IL, I cringe when I women say that they are better parents than their husbands.

I'm sure there are things you do better. I'm sure there are things that he believes he does better.

The truth is probably somewhere in the middle.

It doesn't sound like your STBXH is any prize winner, by any stretch.

However, I don't believe that a parent who wants to be involved in their child's upbringing should be denied joint custody, simply because of a divorce.

You can have joint custody, where major decisions cannot be made without mutual agreement, and still not have 50/50 parenting time.

That is the circumstance that I am in.

Personally, I think the courts should start at 50/50 shared parenting time and joint custody, and make one or the other parent prove that the STBXS is not a fit parent.

For every other issue, one is innocent until proven guilty, the same goes here.

Note, parenting time in IL has no bearing on CS. So if you think he is trying to get more parenting time to reduce child support, it doesn't work that way in IL. The formula is based on income only.

I would hope that instead of hoping that he doesn't get custody, that you might pray that he actually become a good father.

That would be best for all parties involved.

Thanks EEX. What is EOW shared custody?

Currently, I live with DS4 and WH sees DS4 according to our set schedule (every other weekend and weeknight). He does not pay for his school or medical or anything, although he pays CS.

Milk

Every Other Weekend

We must have cross-posted - I did not see the link above. Thanks, this is very helpful. Were you possibly going to say anything other than "every other weekend".....???

I won't get into the parenting issue with you...just the legal question:

You sound in good shape. The temporary schedule you've set up and he's agreed to will likely carry through.

In 2 years he'll have a difficult time pushing for a change in the visitation schedule but to avoid such consider the following:

1. Document, Document, Document...if he's changing and becomes a more resposible father...you may be OK with him taking on more responsibility then...being essentially a single mother ain't easy, from what I hear.

2. The custody laws permit you to move as long as it's within a certain geographical area. If you move even a small bit away from xh the following will help your case:

a. If you move to another school district the courts will be hesitant to award more custody to xh because it makes schooling more difficult.

b. xh will see the distance as a burden...why would he want another night of picking up child and then driving all the way back to drop him off with you or school in the morning

c. The court will see all that moving around at such distance as too disruptive...it's not like you live down the street anymore.

3. If he intends to win in 2 years, then again in 4 years or fears you claiming in 4 years to take away what he "won" in 2 years, etc....he'll have to document himself and PROVE he's a fit father worthy of more custody...what a win for your child...he'll actually NEED to be better than he's been.

Consult with your Illinois attorney for more specific to your state advice.

I, for one, do NOT like the "start at joint custody" movement and then move one way or another based upon "proof". It makes divorce far to easy, predictable and more likely. I like for judges and the court system to weigh the totality of the circumstances and decide the "best interests of the child" be that what they may AND infidelity should be a consideration, not an irrelevant factor.

Mr. Wondering

Thanks MW. I 100% agree with you that the courts should include factors currently they view as irrelevant, such as infidelity, addictions (which often lead to PAs and EAs as well), depression, etc. in their consideration when they determine the custody.

If WH misses DS so much, he could have thought about this prior to separation and filing for D. But these days they say "REGARDLESS of what he did", he should have equal access to custody, etc...., which only gives him the idea of "okay, so I can divorce and will not need to take care of DS on a daily basis but can go for 50/50 custody so that (1) I don't have to pay CS and (2) I get to spend time with my son when I miss my family".

I wish the divorce law in this country was much more challenging, so that people REALLY have to be sure to file for one. WH was asking our MC, only a few weeks prior to resuming our D case, if "by filing for D WH's feelings may come back". What is that? Why does he have to destroy his family and our young son's heart to SEE if his 'feelings' may come back???

Okay, I need to calm down... my WH is very emotional centric so this is no surprise - if he does not feel like he has this passionate love, he looks for outside that stimulates him, whether it's drugs, porn, or other women. He gave up on 'choosing' to stay in love. And yet he claims for his 'right' when it comes to D, saying that he is a responsible person. Does he truly understand what that word mean???

Milk

I'm an advocate of 50/50 custody, but only if both parents are fit parents.

We're only getting your side of this, but if what you say is true and you can prove it, I would document and the system, if it works correctly, should approach it from the "best interests of the children" standpoint.

The system today seems to give fathers the benefit of the doubt until proven otherwise, and that's where your documentation comes in.

I'm in the middle of a custody fight right now. I'm as good a parent as my ex. She's going to have a very tough time proving otherwise. I live just 10 minutes away.

The key is document. Keep a diary. This is important. Save all e-mails and messenger exchanges. If you can afford it, hire a private eye who could keep track of any questionable behavior or if he is exposing the kids to things he shouldn't

I will be the first to admit I'm a better father now than I was when I was married. The ex took care of certain details that I didn't. I don't have any help around here when I'm with them and have to do everything alone. Getting put into a situation like that pretty much forces you to be a better parent.

I think we complemented each other. I did thinks she didn't, she did things I didn't. Those are the things I do alone now.

I would have a serious talk with him about having a uniform care of your kids. For example, my ex and I keep the kids bed times consistent. I would point out the things he does that bother you. His cursing is certainly a problem and is inexcusable. Unsecured fire arms is also unacceptable.

Also, ask yourself, is his house messy as in disorderly, or is it dirty. There's a big difference. My house is disorderly, but my kitchen is cleaned with bleach almost daily and I wash my toilets and vaccuum regularly. I have a bunch of stuff laying around, but nothing unsanitary.

Some of the stuff you mention about him sounds like it is easily correctible. He should want to become a better parent and you may be surprised if he steps up out of necessity.

If he genuinely does, then you should let him have 50/50. Kids do need both parents in their lives.

I was nothing like your husband. I changed diapers, bathed, fed, and read to my daughter every night. I helped and actively participated in the parenting. Could I have been better about some things?

Sure, I played too many video games and knew it bugged her. I did it less and less and don't do it at all around the kids anymore. They're older now and are a lot more interactive so that helps a great deal. I enjoy playing games with my daughter, doing puzzles and things of the sort. I really like having the boys jump all over me and I really enjoy doing things with them.

The porn thing isn't an issue unless he is watching it with the kids or around them. If he's doing that, then it is certainly inappropriate.

I also hear you say something that I certainly feel. I have had my ex rip my children out of my life. She is the one who ended the marriage and was unfaithful, but she feels she is entitled to the children and should have them all the time. I disagree and am fighting it.

I believe I'm as good, if not better, parent than her.

Good luck to you. If he cheated, he shouldn't get squat. There should be a law about that, but infidelity is dismissed by society despite the fact that WSs are disgusting creatures who can only function through lies, dishonorable behavior, and immoral behavior. They're selfish and don't deserve any rights to children until they change.

I'll tell you one thing, my father, who was a serial cheater, got a huge cold shoulder for a very long time from his grown children. It wasn't till he divorced the mistress that we really warmed to him again. Your child may not have that option.

Good luck to you. I hope it turns for the best and he becomes the father his son needs.

Thanks Papa, for your insight. I think WH is more involved in DS's activities than he was when he was living with us. WH was too busy doing his own things (chasing after other women on the street, playing computer games, watching TV all day long, etc.), and in fact, he never even took DS for trick or treating ever! Yet now he said he wanted to do that. The part of the reason is because WH does not see DS everyday, the time he spends with DS became a treat for him. So that's good, but at the same time, WH gives in and buys DS toys everytime he sees him, and also lets DS watch TV as much as DS wants, it is becoming harder for me to discipline. DS would say "I want Daddy, because he let me watch TV. He let me watch bad movies too. He buys me toys". That really bothers me.

As to WH's house - it is not just messy. He leaves garbage everywhere, it is disgusting. His car is also always messy and dirty. He keeps a week-old coffee or juice in the car! What if DS accidentally have a sip of that???

Also WH leaves around his nicotine gum everywhere, and once when DS was only 2, he accidentally chewed it. To this date, he still has them all over, and DS tells me that "papa has 'medicine' gum all the time".

Also DS testifies that "Papa says 'shi$' all the time". I have confronted him about this, and he admits he says this often, but says he is 'trying' to stop that. But it seems difficult and he continues to curse in front of our son.

WH told DS (when he was only 2) "if your woman does not make you happy, you should be able to divorce her". I truly did not appreciate such statement. Marriage is a commitment and should not be taken lightly.

Milk

Sounds like he needs a parenting class. I would also write him a letter telling him the things that concern you. Go through your lawyer if necessary. Express that you want to see him improve as a father and would be willing to share custody if he made these changes.

Do that if you want. I would be receptive to such a suggestion.