I posted this question over the GQ board, but this might be more appropriate place to ask this:

From what I have heard (I have met several attorneys), it does not look like I will lose the custody of my child, primarily because of (1) WH's arrest in 2004 (sex addiction) and (2) WH's moving out in May 2005 and I have been the primary care taker. Also, while it is not as a big deal as the 2004 arrest, WH's 2006 arrest (DUI) should not help either.

BUT, I have this fear. I have read some of the stuff on this board as well where fathers trying to get the 50/50 custody. I do not want this. WH sees DS4 according to the standard visitation schedule currently.

I want a full custody for two reasons:
(1) I believe I do better job raising my son (I do not swear whereas WH constantly uses 'shi$$' and F words, I don't let him watch TV all day long like WH does, I don't let him stay up late like WH does, I DO screen TV shows and movies for DS4 which WH does not do, I do not watch porn whereas WH does, I clean the house whereas WH lives like a pig, I teach WH to clean up after himself but WH can't because he does not even clean after himself, I do not own guns whereas WH does and he does not even LOCK those guns, I cook balanced meal for DS, I let him take classes outside of school whereas WH never considers those things, I look up for better school & checking out the school scores, etc., whereas WH has no clue, I communicate with DS's teachers on a regular basis but WH never calls or talks to them about DS's development or day-to-day activities, the list goes on).

(2) I want to be with DS4, period. I can't bear the thoughts that because of WH's selfish action, I have to lose my time with DS (which I have already, since I have to give up every other weekends and week night).

Now, I understand loving fathers may argue that at least my (2) reasoning is not good enough because Dads also want to spend more time with their kids and it is not fair for Moms to have the previlage. BUT, while we were living together, one of my complaints for WH was that he did not help me with DS. He only wanted to spend time with DS when he had nothing else to do. He never took him out to the park nor taught him some sports, etc. I asked him to spend more time with DS and he replied he was 'busy' because he was watching TV or playing a computer game. So, to me, just because NOW he lives away and does not get to see DS on a regular basis, all of the sudden he wants to spend more time and BELIEVES that he has the right to take my precious time with my son away is pretty upsetting and unfair. Besides, DS feels safer with me and whenever he feels sick, weak, lonely, etc. when he is with WH, he says he wants to come home. Also I take him to meet my friends' kids and to church whereas WH does not have many friends so DS always ends up spending time only with WH.

So, I just want to make sure I will secure my position to win the custody.

One of the attorneys I spoke with said that now the study shows it is better for a child to have a sense of belonging, and to have a home where he/she spends more time rather than spliting his/her time 50/50 between the parents. And because of that, my attorney said these days judge may favor to grant residential custody to one of the parents. The other one told me that because of the practical issues (both parents need to live in the same city/school district or close by to be able to drop off and pick up the child), 50/50 may be difficult.

Again, I do not think I will lose my case for now. But I heard that after two years, WH COULD file for custody trying to get more time with DS (I don't think he will win the full custody, but he can try to get the 50/50 custody in two years). By then, his 2004 arrest will be off the record.

I am terrified to think this. I don't even have any family members in this country, and if the only family member I have (= DS) might also be taken away from me???

Is anyone familiar with this issue? Is the 50/50 custody still popular?

Your inputs are appreciated!!
Milk

Milkshake- I am not an attorney but does your x-husband pay child support? Unless he is harmful to his son (not just that his cusses in front of him, is a poor housekeeper,etc). I would think it is unfair to deny contact with his father. You are not from this country? My wife is from the far east. Her American first husband dumped her and got full custody of her daughter until she fought for and got custody (with visitation rights for her ex-husband). It would probaly be better for your son to see and know his father. johoman

Much depends on where you live. Many people try to get custody to avoid paying child support (CS) may not even be able to handle the level of custody they desire.

So, in many places, custody is defined as 1) legal custody, and 2) primary residential custody. 1 is major decision making and many states are moving to joint. You are discussing 2, and want full custody, and again, many states are moving to ensure that a child can spend time with each parent. The old standard was that Dad's got the kids every other weekend, and mom's had them most.
It's likely your X will get some visitation, it is up to you and your lawyer to decide what you will propose, none, 4 nights a month, or 50/50, or something in between.

As you said, most areas now want to ensure a child can see each parent. Please read the book, mom's house/dad's house for some great information on custody plans.

Even if your X gets time with the child, you can bring to light concerns about the guns and force some actions to protect your son.

good luck.

Thanks guys, for your input. WH does see DS4 every other weekends (two nights) and a school night every other week. Also, whenever we have some type of event involving DS, WH is invited so that he can see DS.

In the past WH told me that he wants to go for 50/50 because he does not want to pay CS. He has been paying CS since we got separated, though.

Milk

Don't make decisions based on fear.

In many cases, the status quo remains. That is, the current schedule will continue. Your X may pursue additional custody, but this will take time and effort. Many X's don't pursue it, even when the courts say they are able.
By now, you are likely enjoying your time away from your son too, or at least relaxing more.
View this with love, not fear. Should your son see his dad? Yes. Is he spending time with your son now? Yes.
Many X's become better parents afterward than they ever were before. And with only a bit of time, they can spend their time as they wish, not with the responsibilities you are willing to take on as the primary parent.

Relax.

Thanks newly.