Okay, to make this brief. My fiance and I have been together 2 years. During this time we had a son (waited to have sex got weak once and got preg.). Found out a few months ago (June) that while I was in my last trimester he contacted his ex by email and discussed a personal dream he had about her with her. Never told me about the email and lied when I asked him if he contacted her (based on something that he said which he "forgot" to tell me) months after he apparently did. I found out because he left his email up on MY laptop and I in trying to be funny and send him an email from him to him (to freak him out for ALWAYS leaving the email up when I ask him to shut it down--my work's network laptop) hit the touch bar to slide the mouse up and it instead opened the email. He flipped out on me and said I had no right to be in his email (which I did not and admitted that I never distrusted him so I had no reason or even want to snoop on him--never have before in ANY relationship, just not that type of person). When I asked him why he SAVED the email, his response-- because if she ever stirred up drama he wanted proof that nothing happened. I told him that if he TOLD me about the email no drama would ensue because the only person who could be hurt by this was ME and also asked him why contact a person you believe would intentionally stir up drama. No response from him.

I told him that despite "nothing" happening he did LIE to me and did HIDE the email and did talk to her about a PERSONAL dream that I NEVER knew about while I was less than 30 days from giving birth to our son. Oh and BTW he slipped and told me about her after "running into her" at a men's club where he happened to be with his friend (who is married but has a shaky past) and she was with a friend of hers.

Up until now I have always trusted him because we both lead very social lives and he never gave me reason to doubt him before this. I do not beleive this was anything physical (can't be sure though) but now I doubt everything he tells me and find myself looking back to other things that he did that hurt me and really resent him for this. What hurts the most is that for months he wanted me to keep the pregnancy a secret from his family (only told them when it got too hard for him to hide it) and did not let me meet his family till I was 8 months. That makes me think someone else was in the picture and he needed time to slide her out and me in. That is just how unsure I am, I am questioning EVERYTHING.

Even as I write this I feel even WORSE about this. I really don't want my son to grow up being bounced back from person to person but I can't marry him because of the distrust I have for him. Trust is my #1 priority and I feel that I let my son down and myself down in this cause I got weak one night. I NEVER thought I would be a single parent and that hurts because in every long term relationship I made REAL effort to prevent myself from getting pregnant. Anyway, back to why I am typing this...

Please offer me any advice. Since this happened, he has wanted to get married (did not want to when I asked him if we should while I was pregnant--now his family is putting stress on him to do it) and I know him, he always wanted a family but I don't think that I can get over this. He is making true effort (in between telling me how many issues I have and that he won't apologize again for doing nothing, only lying) to make us work but I feel that the only one who will benefit from this is him because he won't have to tell everyone WHY we broke up. Also, btw now I ride the train everyday with his ex (another one) that I know if we broke up tomorrow he would try and run back too. I am so sad, can this work? He is working NOW to make it work by being like he was in the beginning but now I am pulling away because what will happen when we have been married 5 years and he gets "bored" again?

getting bored during marriage is always a risk. iaf you don't trust him, don't marry him. i understand that you're concerned about your son, but the impact of divorce would be just as messy.

I would give him the chance to earn your trust back. if you can't forgive him - you can't. i think the best thing you can do is talk about it, and a lot. if there's any salvaging the relationship, it would be done with a lot of communication on both sides. be up front and honest with him. you might even consider showing him what you wrote.

good luck. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Just signed in and read this today!
Please continue to be assertive and tell him what you need.
He does know he made a mistake, but maybe doesn't feel safe with your reaction. Is there hope for him to believe that you will forgive him and work with him to meet your need for openness and honesty?

Dear LivinLife,

Your concerns, statements, and analysis are all legit. You have a right to your feelings. Our society is very bad at teaching us how to validate one another, which is a chronic lack many of us can start balancing.

There's an art to bringing out the best in a man. There's, of course, an art in bringing out the best in a woman. In my marriage, I feel my wife's needs have been so drastic, due to her past of abuse, that I've been basically left out in the cold. There are times when she's very loving, but those are delicate times...times when I have to be incredibly careful not to say anything with a certain tone of voice...she just crumbles and starts yelling at me and starts calling me names, no matter how good my intentions might be.

Maybe I fell in love with who my wife presented herself as being while we were dating. Now, as a wife, she leaves clothes on the floor, treats our property with contempt, leaves things messy for me to clean, etc.

I have no idea if you're potential future husband would "get better" or "get worse" in the context of a marriage. My wife got a whole lot worse, and now things are starting to get better.

It's hard when the person you love looks at you and makes promises and you feel so moved by their efforts...but those are just words...they mean something when the words become actions, and I guess my advice would be to

1) gather the words,
2) wait for the actions
3) get help

Getting help includes: church, the materials on this website, and materials on sites like www.lightyourfire.com.

I feel that you can offer your future husband and your child a whole lot. You will be great mother with or without him. You are capable of being the kind of wife every man dreams of...the kind of wife that makes her husband into a better man...into morre of a success.

Your high ideals can be very constricting, but they need to be heard and acknowledged. Striving is vital for you, and your man needs to suppor that. You will not be held down, and any man who does so will be a difficult influence for you.

Can your man lift you up? Or will you be building him up his whole life with no reciprocation?

I think my marriage will be saved. I think my wife will also start being able to build me up. We've had some really bad years, likely due to my wife getting over the abuse she experienced in her childhood. It all came out on me, and it came out on me today. I often feel abused in my marriage, and I wouldn't wish such feelings on anyone.

Still, I'd have to say that our marriage is starting to be the kind of marriage where I can say "it's a resource rather than a hinderance most of the time, in certain circumstances."

Doesn't sound great, but it's something.

If HE pulls our his credit card and buys something that shows his commitment to your relationship...I see that as a positive sign. If HE is willing to go to a church couples weekend...that's a major positive sign.

I wish you many many blessings and pray that your relationships bring joy and harmony to you and those around you,

Best,
D--