I could use some advice on whether or not I did the right thing. My WH will not commit to our marriage at all. He is a classic cake eater. I finally, after a year and a half, told him the following:

I will not share my husband with another woman.
I will not be in a triangle.
Please choose me or her.

Well, he did not come home last night, so to me that mean he chose her. He emailed me twice last night, one saying the ultimatum hit him hard, and the other to say he was sleeping on someones couch. I did not respond to either.

Now he has emailed again this morning. I am confused as to what to do now. This mornings email said he was getting our sons birthday present and are you at work? I am not at work.

Should I answer and if so how? I feel like he chose her last night. I also feel like this can be the start of Plan B, but I have not given him a letter yet.

Any advice? Thanks!

Are you ready for plan B and are you able (have the resources available) to implement/start with plan B at this stage?

If so, my advice is to not respond on his e-mails but in stead send him/give him a plan B letter.

Loistinthecity...

is not the choice whether or not YOU will be in a relationship with a man who has another person as well..??

what does ANY of this have to do with his decision...

this is YOUR decision
this is YOUR boundary...

I like your number one statement and the second


I will not share my husband with another woman.
I will not be in a triangle.

Your third statement is futile emtpy words...

stake your claim on the first then YOU act

not a second waiting on HIS decision..

this is YOUR life....


YOURS YOURS YOURS....

this feeds the cake eater...
a little drama
a little tug and pull
a nice place to cozy in to some verbal tango..

you're gonna get hit with

you're contolling me
you're choosing my friends
you're controlling me...

up for that game...

or is it time to empower yourself and ACT accordingly within your control...

YOU will not be in a triangle...

quit talking..
act from that premise here on out..

ARK

Hi Lost:

Great to hear from you. Sounds like you have been busy.

Of course, I certainly agree with Ark.

Your life is in your hands and it is wonderful that you have made that decision about the TRIANGLE.

He hasn't CHOSEN her. He has decided NOT TO END HIS AFFAIR... That's a big difference. He wants BOTH OF YOU. He wants the TRIANGLE.

It's your choice, as you have said, to step out of it.

PLAN B would leave him solely with her which in the end tends to be HORRIBLE for a CAKE-EATER....

Right now say nothing. Stone cold silence is you best answer.

Prepare your Plan B letter. I would advise posting it here before sending it to get feedback.

Remember short and to the point is better. No ambiguity / wiggle room. It will need to be stright to the point and fully stating your boundries / conditions for possble reconsilliation.

I assume that your children are already aware of your sitch. If not it is time that they know. And that know why you are moving to plan B.

Do you have an intermediary that you can work through? Is your intermediary ready to do this?

Have you already worked out how you are going to resolve child visitation issues?

Have you put thought / time into preparing for Plan B?

Right now the timing is advantageous for starting a Plan B. BUT ONLY if you are prepared / could prepare quickly. You only get ONE chance to do a "good" plan B.

Think this through and ACT. Don't react.

Stay Strong!

(((LOST))))
This has been a long time coming are you READY?? Do you have your ducks in a row? He is trying to cake-eat talking about your son's present...just smooth things over a slide back to the comfy position on the fence. You know what you want. You know what plan B entails....you have to have strong boundaries and YOU need to believe in those boundaries. Are you ready?

Thanks guys!

I am going to need a lot of support.

I did finally talk to WH. He kept sending emails and saying he was coming home so I called and asked him to tell me what was going on. He said, you gave me an ultimatum and I chose to leave. I said then why are you talking about coming home? He said because the boys have hockey and I don't have any clothes. I said I can mail them to you.

He does not want me to tell the kids the TRUTH about any of this. But I will of course.

He will be at hockey later. Guess I will sit in the car.

I do not feel strong, but know this must be done. I will prepare my Plan B letter.

NO WAY!!!!You are not in plan B yet. Put on something casually nice that shows a little cleavage...nothing frumpy.
Fix your hair put on fresh make up (skip mascara or wear waterproof). Plant your azz right in the middle of all the other parents. Throw his clothes in a trash bag and put them on the hood of his car!!!You don't need to keep the secrets of a WS.



He thinks you will back down. Man I wish I could go to the hockey game w/ you! He is not your H he is a WS! This is your chance to ROCK his world! You have given him every opportunity. You have drawn the line don't erase it....this is good. You can do this.

Let us know how the game was.
BE STRONG!!!Image us all in the stands w/ you.

Hey Lost......where ya gonna be sitting?
I'll be two rows above you, If you need me.
You may not see me up there but trust me, I'm sitting there with all of these other MB'r.

Every time you feel week just look around at the people sitting there.
They all have been (or will be) marriage Builders at some time in there lives.

Just look at it that way, k?

Every person in the stands would stand behind the evil if given the chance.
Every time i tell someone whats going on in my life they all say the same thing.

YOUR DOING THE RIGHT THING!
Hang in there, keep it up JS, your awsome to be doing this.

Get it?



JS

Lost,

I agree with ChaCha 1000%

Do not run your life as if it is a shameful one, his is!

Lost,

""He said, you gave me an ultimatum and I chose to leave.""

UNBELIEVABLE!!! From what you posted THIS WAS NOT THE ULTIMATUM!

He chose to LEAVE!!??? THEN CHANGE THE LOCKS!!

By choosing to leave means he is choosing the OW?? Or does he have another option?? More soap opera drama. THERE SHOULD BE NO OTHER OPTION so don't let there be one.

Go total dark plan B on the creep and if the boys ask, be sure to tell them. Plan B will help to ease your pain and help you focus.

k

LITC,
How are you? How did you make out at hockey? Did you start working on your plan B letter? Did you ever get any more evidence then the email you found?

Please check in...I worry about you! I know EXACTLY how this feels. You are not alone.

(((Lost))))

LITC,

Just wanted to ditto what ChaCha said:

How are things going for you this morning?

How did the game go last night?

Did he (try) to move back home?

Have you broken the new to your children yet? If so how are they taking it?

Get back to us when you can!

Stay Strong!

Bump^^^

Last night WH did come to hockey practice. He takes the train so he has no car. I go in and watch. He is on the ice so no contact. He came out to the car with DS and got in! Ready to go home. I asked what he was doing. He said going home. I did not want to make a scene in front of DS9 so he came home with us.

I did not talk to him although he tried to talk to me. He took DS17 to his practice at 10pm and I stayed home. They got home about 11:30pm and WH slept at the house. I said, do you want me to take you to the train station? He said, no I am staying.

Then he leaves this morning for a meeting in the City.

I am at a complete loss as to what to do. I thought he had made his decision. He chose NOT to be married to me, yet he ACTS like we are married. He is nice to me, does things for me, etc.

I can't make him leave. I TOLD him to pack his bags and LEAVE. He will not. I TOLD him he could live with OW. He will not.

HELP me inforce this boundary. He has such a bully personality right now. He does what he wants when he wants. HOW can I pull myself out of this?

I can lock the doors, he opens them. I ask him to leave, he stays. I don't get it at all! Doesn't he WANT his freedom? He talked about the boys hockey games this weekend just like life is normal.

I know this all sounds ridiculous, but he just won't leave! I can't move out with my three kids and the 4 of us are a package deal. Where I go they go.

I don't know what to say to him to make him leave. I hate that he is nice to me. It makes me mad.

Advice on this super stupid situation I am in? Thanks!

Lost,

The easiest thing for him to do is to bully you, staying at the house, and doing what he wants to do. A large adult child! He has made his decision on how to answer your ""ultimatum"".

You must step it up a notch. Change the locks...then he will just break a window. Then you get a restraining order to protect you and the kids from him..

File the big D papers and have them delivered to him. See if he can bully his way out of that one.

In his mind, he is very happy with the sitch, cake eating and still having a place (home) and the kids. He will NOT let you dictate to him or shake him off that fence. So it is time to get a large 2X4 to get his attention.

You have exposed to all concerned, I am sure, by now? Except to the kids.....

That's all I got.

Ohhhhhhh, I so feel for you .... I was right there! My WH never did leave, and it was maddening and painful for months.

I think that exposure might be able to help you with this a little bit, talking to anyone who could make it uncomfortable for him to continue his bad behavior. But I remember that you're pretty limited on exposure targets.

Another thing I thought about doing was having a big sleepover! Have the house full of family and friends who are sleeping on every available bed, sofa, whatever. Won't be much fun for him if he doesn't have anywhere to sleep, and he can't really get ugly about it in front of all those people, either.

One thing SH had me doing was constantly, gently, bringing up the truth to him. As hapy as possible, with a smile on your face .... and in quick, easy sentences ... "drive-bys" that you can just get out and leave. You don't even have to listen to the answer, because it doesn't matter anyway.
"Wh, have you found a new place to live yet? When do you plan on moving out?"
"It's really not appropriate for you to continue living here while you're conducting an afair."
"Would you like to set up a time to work out financial and parenting time arrangements, or should we leave that up to the lawyers?"
"Why are you pretending to be a part of the family while you're actively working to destroy it?"
"I was looking at a place for the kids and I today."
"It's sure going to be hard on the kids if they have to change schools in the middle of the school year."
"The kids and I are going to _________ for Thanksgiving. You'll be able to call them at this number while we're there."


Those are all ways to make it uncomfortabel for him to stay there .... the only legal way I found for forcing him out was to file either divorce or LSA papers, asking for temporary orders.

A restraining order would do it, too, but that only works if he gets violent .... and no one wants to see you wait for that to happen!


I'm so sorry you're in this spot, it is not fun. But you'll get through it.

Do your kids know what's going on? You may want to explain to them fairly soon, because they are going to notice the weirdness and tension in the house.

-AmI.

"Change the locks...then he will just break a window. Then you get a restraining order to protect you and the kids from him.."

I'm pretty sure this won't work. The way the law works here, is, it's his house, so he is allowed to break the window to get in if he wants to. And I think that this will actually look worse for you than him ... locking him out of his own house.

You're also not likely to get a restraining order based on that, unless he threatened you or hurt you in some way in the process of breaking in.

UUuugghhhh! Been here done this!!! Yuck! Sometimes I think its easier if they just LEAVE.

AmI gave great suggestions....you could also use.
"Since you've decided to stay here when do we start MC?"
Ask about his schedule.
Tell him you don't feel safe living w/ someone who lies to you. That you will take measures to protect yourself.
Open your own checking account.
Put all the utilities in your name. (if you call you generally get a woman, explain the situation and they are usually very helpful.)
When he goes out ask if he will be seeing OW.
Ask what his plan is to improve the M.

He is being a bully. Stand up to him. Let him do his own laundry. Stop buying his favorite foods. (you need to save money).

"I didn't want to make a scene in front of the kids" Talk to the kids. Don't pretend everything is fine. Kids are smart they know something is up. They see him acting all nice and you freaking out...they don't know what to think.
Be the parent that is honest w/ them.

Thank you! I love all of the suggestions. I am running out to pick up dinner, but will be back on later.

I am going to start with the one line sentences. maybe he will hate that enough to move out.

I NEVER thought I would be asking my WH to move out, but I am sure that is what will be best for all concerned.

Yesterday I kept saying things like go live with OW. She should be happy now. And WH said, I haven't seen that person in a while. YEAH RIGHT! I may be a CA but I am NOT STUPID!!!

More later. And thanks!