AmIok,

""The way the law works here, is, it's his house,""

So it is not her house?

Where is "here"?

I thought Lost was outside NY City.

Just curious.

I do like all the little one line questions. Those could drive him batty.

Hey, krusht.

Laws are different everywhere, so it could be different where Lost is. I was trying to put that little caveat in when I said "the way it works here..." You're right, it wasn't a very clear way to say it, though.

I live in Colorado. The way the law is written here, you can do whatever you want to your own house. She could break in, too, if she was locked out. Either one of them could break every window and door and wall in the house if they wanted to. As long as he doesn't hurt or threaten her in the process, the police can't do anything about it. He would not be arrested or restrained for breaking in to his own house.

My WH is a cop and he liked to remind me of this fact regularly when things were really bad here. He would break in to the bedroom at night while I was sleeping to mess with me, and there wasn't anything I could do about it. W's can be such jerks.

Can you call the OW and tell her that you've told your WH to go to her, but he won't. Ask her if she knows why he won't. That ought to stir up some trouble between them.

~ Marsh

WH told me today he wants a divorce.

I am devastated. He claims it is not because of any OW. I don't know what to think.

He said he feels like he has changed and just does not want to be married any more. How can someone do that? Married 21 years and he just wants to walk away.

He rides the train in to work everday and I drive him to the station. So this morng after telling me all this, he asks for a ride to the train station. I said, aren't you going to take your things? He said, I don't have anywhere to stay. I said so, you tell me you want a divorce and you expect me to drive you to the train station and let you come back home tonight? He said ok, I will take some things and get myself there. He came upstairs and didn't get much and I think he walked to the train.

My life and my children's lives have just been torn apart. I have no family anywhere close to me. I am alone and sad. And I don't know what to do next.

I don't think there is any hope for us. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Plan B Letter:

Dear WH,

I am writing this with a heavy heart. I want you to know that despite everything, I still love you. I know that I have not been a perfect wife and I am sorry for my part in all of this. I had hoped that we would be able to talk and work toward a solution. I am saddened by what has become of us, our friendship and our marriage.

The twenty-one years that we have been married were the happiest of my life. We share a lot of great memories. I feel that our family has always been filled with lots of love and I will miss that. Going to hockey games and baseball games. Hockey camp. Lake Placid. Trips to the beach. Moving from place to place and not knowing a soul, but being very at home because we had each other. Our team…the 5 of us…all for one and one for all.

I want you to know that I feel saddened that you said you want a divorce. I still feel that we can survive this, but not the way things are going now.

Because of all of this I am going to have to ask for no more contact from you. I do not want us to email, call or see each other. If you want to see the kids, whom I hope you will, you may call DD19 or DS17 cell and set something up. Please do not forget DS9. He will miss you the most.

When you decide that you want our marriage to work and put our family back together please let me know. For this to happen there would have to be:
No contact with the other person or any other woman ever again
Complete and total honesty from you…to include full disclosure of your blackberry
No more going out in bars pretending you are not married and most importantly
Total commitment to our marriage and me.

I want you to know that I love you and I believe in us. I know that we are meant to be together. All you have to do is come home and open the lines of communication so that we can works towards a stronger, better marriage.

Lost

Too long? Suggestions?

(((((((LOST)))))))

I'm so sorry!!!

It hurts to hear, but it's part of the WS script. My WH said the same thing to me. That he didn'tlove me anymore and didn't want to and was done. Just wanted out and wanted a D. And there are SOOO many other people here who have heard the same thing.

And lots of those people are recovered. So hang in there, there is hope.

Also .... I think it's pretty rare for WS's to admit that the reason they want out is because of an afair. So I wouldn't listen to him on that part. Your PBL seems to gloss over his A.

I'll let the pros weigh in on the letter. I'm really sorry you're at this point. Is it time to tell your kids what's going on? Have you talked to an attorney about securing your finances, etc.? It's best to have that in place as soon as possible, and hopefully even before you go to Plan B.

So, so sorry that you're going through this right now!!!


-AmI.

I am one of those ones whose H said the same crap and I am now recovered.

I HATE AFFAIRS!!!

Thanks AmI and mimi!

I don't even know this man any more. I know you say all WH act this way and say those things. I think mine means it. He is done and I am left all alone.

My husband has been my entire life for the past 21 years. Being in the military, we never lived near our family so all we had was each other. We did everything together. My husband and my kids are my life.

I am going to really struggle without him in my life. My heart is broken. I don't know how to get over this.

I could use some support.

I HONESTLY AND TRUELY THOUGHT THE EXACT SAME THING. Sounds like you are quoting me....

Consult a lawyer..make sure that he does not have "a pot to p**ss in" as my grandmother used to say. I know being military that you are entitled to half of his retirement and your spousal support should be substantial....

This will get the process rolling.....so the A is no longer FUN AND GAMES....

He wants you to AGREE to the DIVORCE..that's it's the RIGHT thing and it's not because of his A...STANDARD WS SCRIPT...

When my H told me he wanted a divorce, didn't love me anymore, never loved me, etc...I continued my mantra to him of "You are leaving me for another woman".....

So what do I do now?

Give him the Plan B letter and move on with my life?

Consult a lawyer first. That will determine what you put in your letter.

Otherwise, continue to PLAN A...if YOU are wanting to work on your marriage.

Tell him that YOU DO NOT WANT A DIVORCE..that YOU WANT TO WORK ON YOUR MARRIAGE...

He needs a place to stay. Let him come HOME.

Mimi - I'm sorry but that advice completely contradicts Plan B so I am VERY confused!

I have been in Plan A for OVER A YEAR.

My WH tells me he wants a divorce and I am supposed to tell him to live at home?

He has been at home all this time and NOTHING has changed.

I thought it was time for Plan B.

Now I am VERy confused. I thought I was doing the right thing. Not being a doormat.

Completely mixed messages, I understand your confusion with your husband. Is the other woman out of the picture yet??

Disagree.

This is a WS who has been cake-eating for over 2 years.
Its Plan B time, which is what I think Lost has been trying to implement via her ultimatum and letter.

He's been silent and thinking. And now has chosen divorce.
Its time for consequences.

He has no plan -- since he never thought you would follow through on this. He has no idea of where to go or what to do.

I would NOT make a divorce easy for him. I wouldn't file unless you need to do so to protect the family.
I would start exposing it to everyone particularily your older children.

So go to Plan B -- get him out and let him start thinking about the consequences of losing his family over this. Don't file for divorce, let him do all the work. Do not protect him from the negative consequences of losing the respect of his children.

Be strong.

CLASSIC CAKE EATING!

Sound like a move towards Plan B would be your best option here.

Lost:

Didn't you just recently discover that he was having an A? You said that you weren't sure that he was having one and you did not know who the OW was?

I basically agree that it is time for PLAN B but you have to be READY for PLAN B.

Have you consulted an attorney?

In my way of thinking about MB, it's PLAN A then PLAN B. It's PLAN A until going into PLAN B.

An effective (or whatever) PLAN A is necessary in order to RECOVER the marriage.

What I'm trying to say..not being clear here..

Don't buy into his GAME that D is the right thing, etc.

This is about him having an affair...

The reason for you going into PLAN B is because you want your marriage...

Going into PLAN B is not because you want a DIVORCE...

A clear distinction needs to be made to him...

I didn't get a chance to read the letter that you had written..

Sorry....

(((LITC)))

Plan B is VERY NEAR but not here just yet. Contact a lawyer, know your rights to protect yourself and the kids. You may need to communicate w/ him on visitation and financial support...you can't do that while your in plan B. Once he is out of the house and you are satisified w/ the arrangements give him the Plan B letter (I skimmed didn't read it in detail).

EVERYTHING he is saying is WS "blah, blah,blah,blah" Sounds like he is in the midst of a midlife crisis. So let him leave w/ memories of you wishing he finds what he is looking for (which is right at home...he needs to figure that out for himself.) Instead of the crazed housewife throwing his stuff on the front lawn. (Which he probably deserves.)

I think you handled him well this morning he was probably waiting for you to fall apart and beg him to stay.

(((LITC)))

How are you? Did he come home last night? I know this feels hopeless that you are looking at this man who use to be your H/BF who loved and protected your family and the words coming out of his mouth are cold/cruel the look in his eyes is dead. This is the WS...even if he is not actively in A right now....he has changed his thinking...to allow the alien in. He has to believe the garbage coming out of his mouth to do what he is doing.

The thing is....your real H is deep in his bones. The man who loves being the Dad, coach, hero, husband. He was a career military man that takes dedication and honor. Now that he is retired its a new whole strange world out there. He is lost but he will find his way home. Be his lighthouse, strong, unwavering and beacon of hope. Even in plan B he will know you are out there. He needs to figure it out himself. Look how long it took Dorothy to find a way out of Oz. (which is a great A analogy).

What are you going to do today?