Although I wish that I didn’t have to be here, I feel lucky for having found this site and all of you people. I am discovering that having people to share with and to get advice from is a necessity for me. Thank you all so much. I hope that one day down the road I will be able to provide the same help to others.

I will try to summarize as the lawyer in me will end up writing a novel and I don’t want to turn people away. I’ll write the novel anyway as it is helping just to sit down and put my thoughts on paper. Maybe I’ll post or PM it later if anyone thinks it would help.

Summary:

M - 6 years, together for 10. Met young and married young.
BH – 29 years old – attorney (just started own firm)
WW – 27 years old – pharmacist (and breadwinner right now)
No kids (although we were in the process of trying for the last 10 months)
Affair – last two years. Discovered on Oct 22, 2006.
OM – coworker (pharmacist) – he is married with two children (one just born on Sept 21, which is also WW’s birthday – that wrecked her). OM’s wife does not yet know although OM has told WW that he has made the decision to tell her. That remains to be seen.
WW has refused my request that she have no contact with OM and that we get MC. She won’t leave her job.

We have separated (both physically and financially). WW requested it and I agreed, perhaps in haste, and I may regret that decision now that I am starting to learn about plan A, etc. However, if I would not have agreed, I believe she would have moved out as her mind was made up. (I moved into my parent’s basement as financially it made the most sense and I wanted to have family close by to help me get through this). WW has agreed to hold off on any decision as to divorce for at least six months.

There is still so much to read and learn here. I have fully committed to doing everything that I can to save my marriage, despite the fact that it looks bleak. Although WW has agreed to not make any decision as to divorce for at least six months, she has already thrown in the towel. WW states that she isn’t afraid to be on her own and wants to be on her own regardless of what OM does. However, the A is not over, the contact still exists, she still believes that he might leave his wife for her, and I know that the fog is clouding her judgment. I have to hope that when the fog begins to clear she will be able to at least try to give our marriage a chance. I first have to hope that she will give the fog a chance to clear.

WW has a very addictive personality. She has battled an eating disorder for years, and I believe she is finally doing well in recovery the last year or so. Emotionally, we went through a lot together early in our relationship as I stayed with her, and even went to Tucson with her family to go through in-patient treatment with her when she was battling her bulimia. She was drinking heavily during the time of the A, presumably to mask her guilt. She feels that getting married so young has robbed her the chance to be on her own, independent. Then again, she has said on a number of occasions that she is messed up and doesn’t really know what she wants.

WW has stated that I am an amazing person. She was trying to get pregnant with me because she couldn’t imagine a better person to raise her kids. She does love me but just isn’t in love with me anymore (and may have never been.) She doesn’t feel that she can love me the way I deserve to be loved. From what I have read thus far, this is not unusual. I have told her that I want to do everything that I can to save my marriage, but that I can’t go back to a relationship where she is not fully committed to the marriage and to me.

So, where do I start? If OM won’t tell his wife, do I need to? (still reading that thread). Do her coworkers / superiors need to know of the A? (I don’t think she will agree to leave her job. If she does, she will likely move out of state.) Should I be giving her space, or should I try to stay in communication? (She will talk to me, but that may change if I start to push the envelope.)

I have a thousand questions, and still have a lot of reading and learning to do. (I’ve read two books, several articles on MB, and SAA is on the way.) I have come a long way, but still have a long way to go. I have forgiven my wife, and really do want to make our marriage work. I believe that with work our marriage could be stronger than ever. I just don’t know if she will give us a shot. That said, even if our marriage does not make it, I want to be able to tell myself that I did everything I possibly could. It will be devastating to have to accept our marriage being over, but I have learned a lot about myself in the last 10 days and know that I will ultimately be ok.

Thank you for any advice, and God Bless.

Scotty

Welcome to MB. Sorry you have to be here though. Sounds like you have learned alot.

I am not one of the experts here, but it sure sounds like your WW is DEEP in the fog. And you probably already know that you can't recover your M unless the A is over and there is NC. Exposure is your biggest weapon. And yes the OMW will need to know.

I'm gonna bump this up for the wise ones to come help...and they will.

Take care of yourself and keep that level head.

Hi Scotty, first off, you must move back home. Moving out only increases your risk of divorce and ENABLES her affair. That is a terrible strategic move that only harms your position in every possible way. You can't work on your marriage if you are not there. This is one of the biggest mistakes that - usually - MEN make in these situations and I don't know why they do this.

It not only harms your chances of saving your marriage, but is often viewed as ABANDONMENT by the courts. We have many men here who stupidly moved out and had to get COURT ORDERS, at great expense, to just go to their own homes.

So, the first order of business is to GO HOME. NOW. Don't ask. Just go home. Tell her you love her, this is your home and you are there to work on your marriage.

After you get in the house, you need to expose this affair. Start off with exposure to the OM's wife. I am SHOCKED you have not done this earlier, because you might have killed this affair a long time ago by doing so.

Why have you not exposed to her?

Most married men won't leave their wives for a OW. He would be crazy to do so and it RARELY happens. He is just looking for an easy lay, not wife material. So when his own marriage is threatened, he will usually dump the WW like used toilet paper.

If this does not kill the affair, then you would want to expose the affair to her parents, his parents, close friends and perhaps employers. Exposure is lethal to affairs because it forces the affairees to see how sleazy they look through the eyes of others. It is ruinous to the fantasy foundation of the affair. It may not kill the affair immediately, but it causes huge conflict in the affair and hastens its death. Just liken it to bringing in a crowd of people to a crack house. Who wants to smoke crack in front of an audience? It takes all the fun out of it.

Get your hands on Surviving an Affair by Williard Harley and read as much on this website as you can. Many of the MB suggestions seem counterintuitive, but if you understand the dynamics of adultery, they will make perfect sense. That is why MB is so successful.

I was afraid that I made a horrible mistake by moving out, but thought that the only way that she would ever give "us" a chance is if I gave her space. I am now learning that it was a mistake.

I only found out about the affair 10 days ago. She has made me promise that I wouldn't tell his wife. I agreed early on, but now know that it must be done. I am a smart, educated guy and I made so many mistakes early on. I hope that I can rectify those mistakes.

How should I expose the affair. Should I do it directly. Should I call one of their co-workers to do it. Should I call her sister-in-law to do it? I know that my wife will hate me for exposing it, but I also know that if it is not exposed my marriage has no chance.

Thanks

Scotty, don't feel alone, we all made mistakes in the beginning. It is hard to think clearly under such traumatic circumstances. I am just glad you found us. There is nothing you have done that can't be undone.

The reason your W made you promise not to tell the OMW is because she knows it will ruin her affair.

You should call the OMW yourself and give her your name and tell her the truth. When you call, disguise your # so the OM does not see it on his caller ID. Dial *67 and then dial the #. If no one answers, do not leave a message, but keep calling back until you get her.

Your W will be FURIOUS that you interfere with her affair, but that is expected, your marriage can survive some temporary anger, it can't survive an affair.

Secondly, I would prepare to expose them at work since they work together. Your marriage can't ever recover if they still work together. Usually a letter to the director of HR and both their managers will suffice. In it you would want to give them facts about the affair, suggest this leaves them open to sexual harrassment lawsuits, and most importantly ask them: "what do you intend on doing about it?" This implies an expectation on your part that you do expect some action.

Hi Scotty3,

I found out about my wife's EA about 6 months ago and I'm still working hard on plan A. Read about that plan. When I found out about the EA I told my wife to tell the OM that he has to tell his wife or I will. After posting what I did here on this site I was told that my wife and OM are not the most trust worthy people and that I need to tell OM wife. So I called her, she knew already. We had lunch together and talked about the EA and agreed to call one another IF we see any more contact between my wife and the OM. This IS major - NO CONATACT

My wife changed jobs to get away from the OM. If your wife won't then you do need to tell their boss. This way other people can help keep an eye on them for now. This may buy you enough time to work on your M.

Good luck and read about plan A. It is not too late to save your M.
M2L

Scotty,

please listen to MelodyLane. She is one of the pros and she came along at the start of this for you. Look at the number of my posts and then the number of her posts. She knows what she is talking about. She has helped me also.



Now go call
M2L

Thanks for the vote of confidence, M2L, and thanks for your excellent pointers in your first post. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Don't forewarn your WW or OM that you are going to expose lest they forewarn the OM's Wife that there is some crazy jealous husband of some woman he works with that is just going nuts. Forewarned is forearmed...you owe him NO consideration.

Stop trying to conceive a child (doesn't sound like you are still having SF but SF should await STD testing anyway) and wait long into recovery (if you get there...to even try to conceive a child). Your wife has big problems and a baby won't fix it).

I'm an attorney also....tax attorney...sorry to meet like this but welcome to MB.

I assume you want MB advice...however, with your wife's disorders, mental instability and insecurtiy coupled with this long term infidelity and NO KIDS...even Harley may question your judgment about saving this marriage. We'll assist you saving it...but the assumption that you are off the hook as being the cause of these problems she has and that things will end up perfect is a long shot. Recovery is a LONG process and your prior resentments, though on the back shelf now...will come roaring back in recovery. Be wise. Take some time to carefully consider whether you really, really, really want to save this marriage. You've got your biblical out NOW...later, you won't.

BTW, 10 months of trying is not that long not to mention she may have secretly been using birth control to appease your "trying" efforts...however, eating disorders often result in infertility. If you really, really, really want children...this could be a consideration.

Sorry...I don't often post like this but your wife's adulterous behavior just doesn't sound that inconsistent with her previous behaviors. Just maybe you're being too hopeful that recovery can fix her...but I will henceforth honor your respectable and honorable wish to move forward trying.

"henceforth"...now you KNOW I'm an attorney. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mr. Wondering

I just wanted to chime in as a BW who was told face to face by the OWH hours after he himself discovered the A, to PLEASE tell OMW immediately. Don't delay and don't tell your WW that you are going to tell, just do it! I am so very thankful for the courage the OWH had in coming to my house (I had never met him before) to expose face to face. The exposure totally blindsided my H and ended the A immediately. Recovery was hard-fought, be we are 3 years later and happier in our M than we were before the A. It really is true that it is possible, I am one of those stories.

Incidently, I grieve for that unsuspecting BW with that new baby. My 3rd child was just 4 months old when I got that knock on the door and I scarcly remember the rest of the first year of her life as my whole being became consumed by affair recovery. But she is now a happy 3 1/2 yr old with strong, healthy, committed parents.

PLEASE TELL HER TODAY, THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON TO DELAY THIS VERY IMPORTANT STEP!

Here is my dilema. I know now that I must expose the affair. WW just told me yesterday that OM has made the decision to tell his wife (although I don't buy it). Wouldn't it be wise to wait say a week to give him the chance to do it and perhaps avoid what could be huge lovebusters with my wife?

Additionally, I am going to have to recruit some help to move my stuff back into the house (I just moved out 4 days ago). I wouldn't be able to do it today. I could move this weekend, but it seems that I would want to wait to do that until I have Plan A drafted and ready to implement. I am absorbing so much so quickly that I haven't had time yet to sit down and prepare Plan A (really just discovered it last night). Just like I wouldn't want to go to court unprepared, I want to be prepared for when the proverbial you know what hits the fan. From my reading it is going to be very important that I know not only what to say when she blows up at me, but how to do it and what to expect...

If both WW and OM are working together next weekend (I know that WW is) then I would be able to move my stuff and expose the affair without tipping my hand one way or the other. That would also give me time to adequately get Plan A prepared and ready to implement. I know that it is not fair that his wife would be kept in the dark for another week, but my selfish side wants to make sure that I give my marriage the best chance.

Thougts. Thanks again.

Scotty

Listen to these guys Scotty. My EX WW told me early on that she would never speak to me again if I told the OMW about their little affair, that is was his place to tell her. I bought into that crap for about one month along with the lying and continued cheating and such. I wished I would not have waited that one month and that instead I would have driven over there if need be in order to share the information with her.

Do what the folks her say!

In a word: No.

The only thing that I would wait upon is completing my "exposure" plan.

Exposure is best done once in one large tsunami of truth. Make sure to tell anyone whom will have any influence upon them. Clergy, Supervisors, Friends, Family, etc...

Use your knowledge of her and OM to determine whom the best exposure targets are. OMW is a prime #1 target. As a lawyer you know that a contract / promise made under duress is not binding.

DO NOT expose to a few people here, a few people there (ie. incremental exposure). Exposing in this manner will allow them to concoct stories and lessen the effect of your exposure. You do not want this to happen.

WW will not be mad at this exposure. She will be FURIOUS!!!

She will most likely spew venom at you that you never new existed. She will spout things like "Now you've blown it", "I was going to consider reconsilling with you but not after this!". This is typical WS bile. They all say this! Just be prepared for this.

Your marriage can servive your wife's temporary anger. It CAN NOT survive an ongoing affair.

It is now time to take active role in trying to save your M. Exposure is step 1.

Keep posting back. We'll help you through this.

Stay Strong!

Mr. Wondering. I know that your post was written with nothing but good intentions. My wife admittingly has her share of problems (everybody has problems to some extent). That being said, she is a wonderful person and I love her with all of my heart. Although I will not blame myself for her indescretions, I know that I contributed to our marriage becoming complacent (which likely led to the affair in the first place).

I know that this process is going to be hard. I know that I may never acheive the desired result in that there is a strong possiblity that my marriage is over. But I would not be able to live with myself if I didn't try to do everything that I could to save my marriage.

My wife lost her way and has hurt me deeply, but the fact that I am here, the fact that I am trying to learn and understand, tells me that I want to save my marriage.

I will do whatever I can, and throughout look to God and ask for the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference (And, the ability to take action!)

Thank you all again. Your support and advice are invaluable.

Scotty

Just in case you haven't run across this post yet.

I've stolen this from Pep (THANKS PEP!).

*********************************************************

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A


The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

**********************************************************

Stay Strong!

Thank you for that walkingthefield, and thank you Pep. It is what I will use to begin my Plan A. Now I have to sit down and evaulate what her emotional needs are, the best ways to meet them, etc..

The emotional needs questionare is on this site: Print it out and fill out two copies. One for yourself and offer the other to her. If she is unwilling to fill it out. Fill it out for her (to the best of your abiltiy).

Here's the link: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4501_enq.html

Stay Strong!

Scotty, I would go ahead and move back in TODAY if possible. Take a suitcase and let her know you are here to stay. Then move your furniture back in over the weekend. If she wants you to leave let HER get a court order. But every moment you are out of that house harms your position.

Once you get back in, then *YOU* expose to the OMW. It is important that she get the story from someone who is not a liar and a cheat and someone who can help her bust up this affair. That person IS NOT the OM; he is a liar and a cheat. The OM is not likely to tell her and if he did, he would lie about it. That being said, he has NO REASON to tell his wife in the first place. He probably told your W that in order to appease her.

Don't worry too much about trying to meet her emotional needs at this point. That will come later in recovery. For now, you need to be concerned mostly with avoiding lovebusters, being civil, but being FIRM about not accommodating her affair.

Scotty,

Your wife will be VERY p'ed off at you. So what? Life is not too grand right now is it? This is no way to live. Start taking back your life by tell OMW. Let HIM catch he!! for a while.

This is a long road and it doesn't start until you tell the OMW. So you can wait as long as YOU want, but you are prolonging your own pain.

best wishes, we are all pulling for you. You will learn this the more you post and read. It's a great family here.
M2L

One thing to keep foremost in your mind regarding EXPOSURE...it is to be done as an act of LOVE not VENGENCE.

When you expose to all the people as is suggested in previous posts, let them know that unfortunately, you have found your wife has strayed, and that you still love her, and you are in the process of doing everything in your power to rebuild your marriage. Exposure is simply one step, albiet a MAJOR step, in doing your part to stop the affair.

Exposure is not a LoveBuster in the true sense of the word. It is an act of love. When you expose, say nothing vindictive or cruel about your WW (not that you would) but delive the message with care and be sensitive to the vibes you are sending with the exposure message.

If you have not purchased "Surviving an Affair", by Dr. Willard Harley, that should be done immediately, and read until you understand the dynamics of affairs in general, the similarity to addiction, and how to counter"attack" by virtue of Plan A.

Plan A is best done when living w/you spouse, so as the others stated, move home ASAP. Plan A is correction of any of the "things" you bring into the marriage that are not the best they can be. Eliminate all LoveBusters, issue no Angry Outbursts, utter no Disrespectful Judgements and make no Selfish Demands, but.... stand your ground, defend your actions by stating simply that you are bound by your vows to do all you can to save your marriage.

This is a long and rocky road. Hunker down, and prepare yourself for the emotional rollercoaster ride of a lifetime.

Best wishes,
SD