I did purchase Surviving an Affair last night online and it should be here within a day or two. I tried to get it at Barnes and Noble but they were sold out. I did purchase surviving infidelity from another author and read about half of that last night when I woke up at 1:00 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep.

I also spent $80 for an ebook by Homer McDonald (or ghost author) called stop your divorce. It wasn't very well written, and I didn't agree with everything that was in there, but I am already finding that the majority of what I am reading is starting to overlap. The McDonald article is focused on those marriages where one spouse wants to save the marriage and the other doesn't. He has some pretty radical theories such as the betrayed spouse should actually start dating to project the hard to get image and to make the WS jelous. I can't say that I agree with that, and have seen similar views against it on this site.

She also did agree to go to one counseling session with me last week. I didn't like the counselor as her attitude was more geared to an amicalbe divorce then saving our marriage. I also realize that my WW only went to try to show me that she actually wanted to try to work it out. I know that it can't be done until there is no contact with the OM, which will ultimately require exposure.

Thanks again everybody. Very good advice has been given and I hope that you will continue to help.

Scotty

Scotty, marriage counseling is pretty useless while there is an ongoing affair. And you will find that most MCs are not pro-marriage but divorce counselors. They don't understand the dynamics of adultery and don't have the slightest idea how to salvage a marriage from an affair. They are little more than divorce facilitators.


that is so stupid I don't even know where to start. I think I will save it for a full stomach after dinner. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Scotty --
Forget about counseling for now.

I went to counseling with my BS (I was the WW...) for the sole purpose of cadjoling him into agreeing that divorce was the best answer -- and so that I could tell everyone how hard we "tried."

Its pretty dispicable to end a marriage without putting some effort into it doncha think? So I went to counseling so that when I was telling everyone that we were splitting up, that we tried counseling but alas (sigh!) it just didn't work.

The best tactic for ending that affair is exposing it.
And no matter what you need to tell OMW. Even if your wife tells you OM told her. They will LIE LIE LIE. You need to know for yourself that she has been given the truth. She deserves it.

Scotty,

Do not worry about drafting a plan A (these are not drafted anyway), do not worry about her ENs, do not worry about moving your stuff back in. Just one thing you MUST do.....

EXPOSE TO THE OMW...NOW. Just do it! Methinks you are deliberating on this way too much.

Think of the betrayed spouse of this low life. She is having his child while he is playing your WW for all she's worth!

Get PISSED!!

krk

Beam me up Scotty, here is a first – I’m about to recommend holding off a mite with exposure…

I strongly recommend you consult with the MB counseling center first.

You are dealing with a serious life-threatening addiction. Eating disorders in general, and bulimia in particular, are more difficult to control than alcoholism, cocaine, meth, or even SA. ED causes all kinds of behavior and boundary issues beyond the obvious substance abused – just like drug addictions do - even if she has been white knuckling it for a long time. I can point you to ED references if you wish. You might be amazed at the issues she is using food to self-medicate herself for.

MB methods, including exposure, need to be modified by the professional experts in addiction situations. Hasty and improperly applied exposure when ED is present could backfire terribly.

Consult SH or JH before you do anything, IMO.

Consult an ED expert too.

With prayers,

Aphelion, where do you get your information that exposure "needs to be modified by professional experts in addiction situations?" I am an EXPERT on addiction and I know of no such thing and have never heard of any such thing. As an addict and member of this board for years, I would like to understand what you are talking about since this is a FIRST. Dr Harley speaks of ACTIVE addictions, but that is not the case here. Please show me how you have come to this conclusion.

Although I am certianly no expert, the way that I see it my wife is going to have to deal with her eating disorder whether I expose the affair or the affair naturally dies on its own. Either way she will be very susceptible to relapse and will need counseling.

I have spent the last four hours reading through stph20's thread. I can't say how much the information that has been posted by Melody, Pep, BK, Orchid, and all the rest has helped me to further understand. I know that I have a long road in front of me, and hope that I have the courage and resolve to get through it.

This thread will be my lifeline for the forseeable future and I thank all who take the time to help me through.

I've now been awake for 23.5 hours. Tomorrow I plan on skipping work, exposing the affair to the OM's wife and their coworkers, and also plan on moving back into my house after just having moved out this last weekend.

Then, it is going to be dealing with my wife's initial shock and beginning the process of implementing Plan A. I reckon I'll have to go to the store and buy myself some toenail polish.

Peace and Happiness

Scotty

Good for you Scotty. Keep posting. We can help you through this.

What color??!?!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Don't despair if all don't support you. This stuff causes many to react differently. Just act and react for what is in your interest.

take care,
L.

I only hope that Steph's toenails are prettier than yours! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Be strong, Scotty, and say lots of prayers. This won't be easy, but we will be here for you through this.

We're all pulling for you here, Scotty!

Time to get'r done! Expose to those who are an influence (Lovingly, Thanks for the reminder SD!). And move back home!

Then we can start the real work!

Again, steel yourself for the venom WW will spew when she finds out about exposure!

I said a little prayer for you this morning.

Good luck & Stay Strong!

Ok,

I will be getting ready to go over to OM's Spouses to expose the A. I know that I must tell her that I am sorry that I have to tell you this, and I'm not telling to be vengeful but becasue I love my wife and am committed to my marriage. She also has the right to know.

Any tips as to how I should break the ice? When she answers the door, what do I say. We have met her before at our spouses work gatherings and whatnot, but we are not really friends and she will be surprised to see me on her doorstep. She also has two small children, one who is barley over a month old. Should I be taking any precaution here?

Scotty

Thank you WTF. The prayers, knowledge, and support that I have got here in the last 24 hours give me hope that I can get through this.

I am prepared for the aftermath of the exposure. I have already called and resereved the UHAUL truck to move most of my stuff back in this afternoon before WW gets home from work. I am sure that sleeping in the same room won't be an option, so I plan on setting up in one of the downstairs bedrooms.

Thanks again.
Scotty

Scotty..

No. Move back into your bed!!! It is your bed, as well as hers. She wants to leave the marriage, then she finds her own place to sleep.

Do not do anything or say anything that leads your wife to believe that you will help or condone separating or divorcing. That is unless YOU want to separate and divorce!!

If you want to save your marriage...then get back into your marriage. Listen to what Lexxxy said above. Your wife wants you...needs you...to help her end this marriage. Dont you do it. Make her make ALL of the hard decisions.

If she wants out, she is going to have to do ALL of the heavy lifting!!

Just tell her like you put in your post. You have the right idea. She will be your biggest ally. You should work together to make sure the two have NC (at least outside work for now). You should agree to let her know and her to let you know if anything happens. Let her know you've done some research and the NC is vital. Maybe she could get him to move to another job.

- Jim

I started to post to you several times yesterday, but didn't have anything to add other than "do what they told you".

You're making sure OM is not at home when you expose to his W, right?

Do you have evidence of your WW's affair with OM? Phone records? Credit card receipts? Pictures? Or did she just tell you and that's all you have to go on? Think of it like a court case, and you are the prosecutor...assuming OMW listens to you, the first thing she's going to do is call OM and ask him WTF. If you don't have evidence, OM (defense) can spin you as a crazy jealous husband.

Consider making your second exposure target her work. You mentioned she's a pharmacist...if they work for a drugstore or big box chain, one of them might easily be transferred to a different store. They need to not work together any more, and to make that happen you need to take action.

Expose to her family and friends as well. One poster likened it to a tsunami of truth. There's more to it than just saying, "hey, WW had an affair". You also want to enlist these people in the Scottish Army to take back your marriage. Melody Lane, Mr. Wondering or the others might be able to give you some good wording.

Finally...why stop at the couch? Move back to the master bedroom. You're not the one who had an affair! If she doesn't like it then SHE can sleep downstairs.

Good luck!

This is such GREAT news that you are going to follow through on these suggestions Scotty.

I see so many people (like myself) that don't do the things that the vet's here tell us to do and we pay for it later.
I think if you follow the above plans that you will have the best chance to save your marrige.

I'm not going to lie to you, it's going to be hard and it might look like your failing, but trust me, I've read just about every thread on this board and these steps do help.

You might not realize it right away (I didn't) but you will see in time what effects this all has.

Hang in there and PLEASE keep posting....you will be helping more people here than you will ever know.

Good Luck Scotty

JS

I do plan on exposing to her in person at her house. I will go over to my house first to check WW's schedule (which has entire staff's schdule) to make sure OM is working today as well. I think that he is.

I don't have any "concrete" proof. I have only my wife's admissions. I also thought that I should have proof just like I was trying to prosecute a case, but then came to the conclusion that I don't have a reasonable doubt burden here. My wife has confided in two of her coworkers. One of them is going through an EA right now with yet another one of the pharmacits there and is actually sleeping at my house right now because her H kicked her out. Must be something in the water in that place.

They pharmacy is in one of the two hospitals here. Fortunately, pharmacists are in fairly high demand so either one of them wouldn't have much of a problem finding new employment. That being said, my WW may decide to pack up and move out of state when the A is exposed (especially when I expose to her superiors and other coworkers).

In any event, even if OMW does not 100% belive me, I will have still brought it out to light. OMW will have to be at least suspicious (and may be already). I don't think I wait as exposing today rather than a week from now still accomplishes my goals and OMW can get it out in the open with her WH.

Am I off base here?

Totally on base.

Expose, expose, expose!

Let us know how it goes. I'm praying for you. Please say a prayer for me too. My wife is having an EA (thankfully the guy already moved out of state) and wants to leave me. I'm working on it, and I'm sure that we'll work it out. I just need some strength in the meantime.

I said a prayer for the both of us. I just read the post on the Romantic Affairs and have to admit that I don't like my chances here. No matter how it ends, I will be able to say that I did everything that I could.

I'm off to expose. I will update later.

Scotty