I would write your WW's parent explaining the situation and how you have tried to save your M but that she continues on a path of destruction and you will not follow and will be filing for D (you can plan B in midst of the D). That you care for her therefore you are bringing the facts to their attention so that they can perhaps help her at some point.

Secondly, I would write OM's parents and let them know that their son is having an affair 1. with a married woman 2. with a woman who just completed a "sexual" affair with another man weeks ago. I would slighly indicate to them that he may want to be tested for STD's since she's been sleeping around with at least one other man in the past month if not more.

Lastly, I would see my attorney and get D papers filed (call it adultery and name both of the other men in the filing), find a good church, divorce care group and start to put my life back together again. She is headed for destruction and you don't want to be anywhere near, imo.

Plan B is necessary...for YOU!!! Read up on it. Plan B is NOT for her, it is for you. Whether there ever is reconciliation...or you proceed on to Plan D...Plan B is necessary.

So, let's get a Plan B letter together, where you acknowledge her new affair...and send it...then go dark.

it will help you no matter which way this goes!!

Scotty3,

Haven't heard from you for awhile.

How are you doing?

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. Just lost a lot of steam the last week and a half. Haven't been doing great. Been sick for the last few days on top of all this crap.

I did confront WW about the new guy last week (a week ago today). She admitted to it. She stated that she had met him in the bar one night (the night before OM met her in the coffee shop to offically call it off), she was drunk, she felt like a tramp, so she acted out on it and took him home and had sex with him. And of course it didn't stop with the one night stand as I discovered him staying at her apartment 4-5 days later and then again a couple days after that.

The odd thing was that when I told WW that I knew about the new guy, she thought that I was getting my information from either the OMW or OM himself. I told her that I had no idea that OM or OMW would even know about it. Seemed odd to me that she would say that. Why would she ask that if OM did not know about it? Is she using the new guy to try to make OM jealous? I think it is a possibility. Likely that she just couldn't go through the withdrawal of losing the original affair so she just found somebody to fill the void, and of course that somebody was not me.

I told WW that I had informed the HR department at her work, because OM did not do so. She was mad, but didn't say much when she found out that she was not going to be fired. She also agreed to answer some questions that I had. She did admit that there was one other guy about a year ago, but that she was extremely drunk and that he more or less took advantage of her. Don't know about that, but does it really make a difference?

WW has filed the divorce papers. I more or less told her to. I did get an email and a phone call from OMW. OMW told me that she wrote a letter to WW. Not exactly sure what OMW's intentions were, but I'm sure that she wrote it with good intentions. Sort of a "Your actions together with OM's actions have deeply hurt me and my family, but I forgive you and hope you get your life back together.." type letter. At the end of the letter, OMW even told WW that she could call and talk to her if she needed someone to talk to.

Good intentions, but WW is off her rocker. Of course, WW takes that the wrong way and text messages her some condescending FU very much response. WW then apparently emailed OM pleading that he and his wife leave her alone. Saying that they don't know what she is going through and that everybody wants her dead. She is working her graveyard shifts this week, so drinking and partying is difficult, the new guy is out of town according to WW, so she may actually be going through some withdrawal. She said in her email to OM that she doesn't know how she is going to make it through the next 6 nights.

There is a big part of me that still wishes that she would come back to me, but I just don't see that happening. And even if she did, I just don't know that I could trust her again. It is hard to imagine life without her, but I know that will change with time.

WW did apparently say that she is going to see a counselor next week after her graveyards. I hope that she does.

So, I have the divorce petition sitting upstairs on the table. It has been filed. Ironcially, we drew the Judge that I clerked for so that Judge will likely have to recuse herself. WW and I did talk about settlement. It basically comes down to whether she will pay me the monthly amount that I want for a certain time frame. Her lawyer will likely tell her not to give me what I want, but I think that WW may do so just to get this over with.

I don't know. There is still a part of me that thinks that she may be going through the withdrawal, that she may be able to talk to a counselor and start thinking about what she really wants, and that she might realize that she doesn't want to divorce. But then I wake up realize that it is so unlikely, and that I would just be prolonging the invevitable.

I think that I may just sit on the paperwork for a couple of weeks. They haven't served me yet, so the timeframe to respond has not yet begun. If I don't acknowledge service myself, which is what they are asking me to do, then they may go ahead and serve me. But maybe things will change in the next couple of weeks if this new guy is out of town and she does go in and get some counseling.

I'm not optomistic. I'm moving on with the presumption that our marriage is over. We have a dog that sheds like no other, is blind, is old, is peeing and pooping on the floor too much, and barks like crazy at people that she doesn't know. WW doesn't want anything to do with the dog since this went down. Because we need to sell the house, I am going to move out of the house with the dog at the beginning of the new year so that selling the house will be easier. We will have to get the carpets shampooed and whatnot, and having the dog in here would make it so hard to keep clean. So WW will be moving back in here and I will be moving out. Strictly for ease of selling the house purposes.

I told WW that I would like to keep the divorce amicable. I know that I am not going to be great friends with her after this is over, but I am still close to her parents. And I don't want to be enemies either. She has shattered me, but I will be able to put the pieces back together over time. I actually feel sorry for WW. She is really messed up. Hopefully she gets the help that she needs, that she faces her problems instead of running from them or covering them up, and that she can find some happiness in life.

I feel sorry for her, but wish that she would just show some remorse for what she has done to me. I know that she is in the fog and whatnot, but still, it is just hard.

Scotty

I feel sorry for her, but wish that she would just show some remorse for what she has done to me. I know that she is in the fog and whatnot, but still, it is just hard.

Scotty,

One day she will see that she lost the best thing that she ever had - a stong man that was hers, but she blew it. If you stay in touch with her parents you will learn that one day she will crash VERY hard.

God bless you and the next part of your life.

M2l

Thanks for your support M2L. I will continue to pray for you and your family.

God Bless

Scotty

Scotty...she is still very much in the fog, and since everything around her is collapsing, she is just operating on "reflex", and her life has no direction.

She's dazed and confused, because the "soulmate" she became involved with, and was going to "live happily ever after" with is gone.

Truth is, she feels like a worthless piece of [censored] right now.

She is on the verge of a major crash, and when that happens, as withdrawal takes place, she will come to you. It happens nearly every time.

Live your life right now, working only on you. If you don't want the divorce, don't pursue it. If she files and you are served, delay it. Let her stew in her own juices for a couple of weeks with very little contact, and let whatever contact that may happen be initiated by her. Don't contact her at all. She needs the perception that you may have just moved on.

Take this time to think about whether you want her back or not. It is truly up to you at this point. If you decide you don't want her then go ahead with the divorce proceedings.

If you do want her back, be formulating a plan which will give her a bullet point "map" you would need her to follow, if you give her another chance. No Contact letter, scheduled marriage counceling, Individual counceling, an establishment of acceptable and mutually agreeable boundaries, etc.

Scotty, she'll be back... but you may need to communicate that there is a path that leads back to you, but with the caveats as listed above. Many times a WW is so "lost" and falls to a place of such low esteem, they don't even consider that you may take them back. If you decide you want her, you may have to let her know it could happen.

All this is tough, but for right now, give her a couple of weeks to stew, and you rest up and decide what you want....

Best wishes,
SD

Well, the divorce has already been filed. Haven't been served yet, but they are waiting for me to acknowledge service. She has already paid her lawyer $1200 so I just don't see her backing out now.

And the biggest problem is I just don't know if I want her back. My heart tells me I do, my brain tells me I don't. And like Aphelion and others have said all along, the underlying problems will still be there. Until she deals with those problems, we couldn't even work on rebuilding a marriage.

And I forgot to mention in my last post that I asked WW if she planned on dating this new guy, and she said that she didn't know, maybe. I just have a sick feeling that if I get back into this again I'm just setting myself up to get crushed again.

I do appreciate all of the advice and support SD. Thanks for being there for me.

Scotty

Scotty, let's just see what the next two weeks bring. You will know if she's hitting bottom or not in about that much time.

In the mean time, continue to live for YOU, self-improvements as needed, and keep really busy doing things that are fun and/or that mean something to you. When as WS gets the impression the BS is moving on, it sometimes blows a bit of the fog away.

Stay in Plan A!

Best wishes,
SD

Just wanted to give an update.

On friday, WW left me a note and a couple of hurtful voice mails getting pushy about me signing the acknowledgment of service of process papers and telling me that she would not agree to the length and amount that I wanted in terms of financial settlement for the divorce. One of my friends (my partners husband) agreed to represent me. He is a very good lawyer and from what I've heard her lawyer is a dipshit (found out that WW has heard the same).

Anyway, on Saturday I emailed her and told her that I would sign the service papers and that I have retained friend to represent me. WW knows that friend is a good lawyer, and she sent me a response email saying that I will probably try to take her to the cleaners. She then went on to say some very hurtful things such as me being spoiled, etc., me needing to start supporting myself for once, etc..

That was enough to push me over the edge. I was very angry and I wrote her an email that expressed that anger, and didn't hold much back. She responded to that email the same night. Not only did she agree to accept my terms financially for the divorce, she opened up a little to me. There was a lot of WW babble in there, for example saying that she had to use all her power not to kill herself, not that I would care. It almost seemed that she wanted me to care.

Surprisingly, a lot of what was in that response from her seemed to have been written with candor. She said that my email made her realize what a horrible person she is, and that she realizes that she needs to get help or she is going to end up self destructing and dying one way or the other.

The next day, I responded with more or less a closure email. I told her that I would not apologize for the angry email and that it was good for me to do, and something I needed to do for me and my ability to move on. But then I more or less told her that I hope she does try to get some help and that she takes it seriously as only a wholehearted effort to heal would have any chace of success. I told her that she has to be happy with herself before she can commit and be happy with anybody else.

I told her that I will always have a place in my heart for the WW that I fell in love with and married. I told her that the loving, caring, generous, beautiful person that I fell in love with is still in her. I told her that I would always wish the best for her, because she does deserve happiness.

So these emails have been the start of a very good closure for me. I feel better.

Scotty

On the line of what SD was saying, there is one more email that I want to write to WW. I want to write it for me. I have drafted it, but don't know if I will send it or when. I would like to hear your thoughts on it. Here it is:

This may sound odd as you told me that you plan to date New Guy, but this letter is actually as much for me as it is for you. I hope you don't see this as some pathetic attempt to win you back, because it is anything but.

Although I am closing the door on our marriage, I want you to know that the door will not be locked. If you decide to go get help and at some point realize that our marriage is something that you do want, I want you to know that there is a road that could lead back to me. I would prefer to spend the rest of my life with the WW that I fell in love with, the WW that I married, the WW that I will always love. As you have previously stated, just because we divorce doesn't mean that we can never get back together again.

That being said, I would not open that door again unless I knew that there was a WW that was happy with herself, a WW who was willing to do the work that would be required, a WW that could be happy with me, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY A WW THAT WANTS TO BE WITH ME. I realize that may never happen. I have accepted that and am prepared to move on with my life.

I will not put my life on hold. I will not continue to try to save the marriage and our relationship. Although I need to give myself some time to properly heal, if and when I meet someone else I will move forward with my life. But if in the interim your heart tells you that you do want to spend your life with me, that you will do the work to get yourself healthy and happy, and that you will do the work to rebuild our marriage, I want you to know that it is something that I would consider. If your heart does tell you that and it is something that you find you truly do want, I just want to make sure that you know there is a road that could lead back. I would just hate it if your heart told you this and you did want to try to make it work, but chose not to because you didn't think that I would ever give us another chance or that you don't deserve another chance. Again, I realize that you may never want that, and I accept that.

The last few emails have been closure for me. The one email was angry, and I didn't hold much back, but it was important for me to do. I appreciate the candor in your response to that email and again hope that you take your plans to seek help seriously. I mean everything that I said in my last email.

I know the real WW. The good and the bad. Just as you know the real me. That is part of marriage. There is a loving, caring, generous, beautiful person inside of you WW. I want to say again that I do truly wish the best for you. You do deserve to be happy.

Good Luck and God Bless

Scotty


Thoughts? Advice? This seems to me the right thing to do. I want her to know that I am done trying to save the marriage and am going to move on, but that if she really does want to come back to me there is a road that could lead back as SD was talking about. I think this is what I need for closure, that way I don't have to worry that she thinks that I would never give us another chance. It will help me with acceptance and help me to move on.

Thanks again for all the support.

Scotty

I agree with your email. I think you are doing the right thing. Good luck to you. Just make sure if she comes back, she is ready to fully commit to the marriage. The last thing you want is to be drug through this situation again.

Scotty,

This is very close to a Plan B letter. I would do this within a Plan B letter, and then go dark. Once you go dark, no emails, no texts, no phone calls. Nothing. You remove yourself from her presence. Many times, that is all it takes for them to remove their outer brain casing from their waste siposal unit.

So, take what you have and maybe meld it into the PBL that the Harleys suggest. I will see if I can find a copy on here and put here. If anyone else can post one, that would be great!!

Jim,

I agree. If she does decide to come back, I will have boundaries set. I really think that she is so screwed up that any personal recovery for her will take a long time. I imagine that by the time she actually gets the help she needs to be happy with herself, and assuming that after that point she did want to come back to me, I will have found somebody else and moved on by then.

But in the event it does happen sooner than exptected, and if she really did realize that she wants our marriage, I want to let her know that there was a road that could lead back.

Scotty

Mortarman,

I was kind of thinking along the same lines. That is why I haven't sent it yet; I want to wait until the timing is right. I can't go Plan B dark until after we wrap up the divorce. There are just too many things we have to straighten out. And thinking about it, to have the max effect I have to go completely dark with her after sending it.

But, because we have the major things settled, we should have it wrapped up within a month or so. I think I like the idea of waiting until then to give her this type of letter. I would like to see some examples of a good plan B letter.

Thanks.

Scotty

Scotty,

These things that you "have to" wrap up...why do they require direct contact with her? Cant your attorney do all of the talking, etc?? Or, do all correspondence concerning the divorce via email (or whatever other way you demand in the PBL).

If it were me, I would go dark now. Send the PBL, outlining the proper routes that she can get or give you information. Then go dark and stay there. As I said, many times, the darkness will be just the thing to blow away the fog.

But just remember...Plan B is for you...not necessarily to get her back. It is to protect your love for her IF she comes back.

The benefit of going dark now is that she might come back to you before the divorce is finalized. Give her a month or two (if you decide not to expedite things) of plan B and you never know what will happen. That would make things a lot easier. Just my opinion.

Somebody explain please! I don't get it. Why would you get a divorce and then start to work on Plan B? Sounds like the old "Cart before the Horse" routine to me.

Anybody?

You are correct...sort of. You can still Plan B after divorce. I have seen many marriages saved, even after the divorce is final. But that isnt the BEST way!!

Scotty should do Plan B NOW! before the divorce is final.

I vote plan B now Scotty. Let others (her mother) handle the little things.
M2L