I just found out my husband has been cheating on me (for the 3rd time). Supposedly, the first affair he told me was only one of the heart. He said he felt I neglected him and he need to be with someone emotionally. I was home alone with our 5 yr old son and new born baby taking care of everything while he was off getting attention elsewhere. Instead of coming home to me and trying to work things out, he betrayed me. I found out about it when he left an email up on the computer. He got mad at me for reading it! Out of guilt for not giving him what he needed at home, I took him back and wantd to repair things. Two years later I noticed lots of porn web sites showing up on the computer (not the first time either) I finally decided to look into some of these sites and I had discovered he was putting personals out on Sex/Bondage web site seeking women and meeting with them. When I confronted him, again he told me I was neglectful and that he felt unloved and was seeking attention from other women. He swore to me that he would never do it again and that he would always come to me and work things out with me. Now even less than 1 year later, I found more stuff on our computer (including pictures!!) Evidence that he's been meeting women in town and even details in emails to them about "things" they did together. I am crushed. I feel so stupid. I even found out that some of the affairs date back before my son was born (8 yrs ago) Everything has been a lie. How do I trust him again? We are still living together and staying together for the kids. He has been telling me he is sorry and doesn't want to live without me. He said he has nightmares of me leaving him and now will do "anything" to make things right. I don't kniw what to do. I almost feel I have no choice but to make things work and stay together. I don't want my kids to suffer a divorce. I would rather live in h*ll than put them through that. I just don't know how to act around him. I still love him but I am so hurt and feel so betrayed I don't know if I will ever get over this. How do I trust a man that has lied to me for so long? He expects me to give him support and love and forgiveness all after a couple days. I feel like a door mat.

VegMom,
Welcome. I am sooo sorry for your situation. I know what your going through and it is a nightmare.

First off you MUST realize that you are in no way responsible for his having A's. No matter what has happened in your M, HE made the choice to go outside your M and cheat. And it sounds like he is a serial cheater. Now you did have a part in your M and the atmosphere in it, but the A's are his, period.

Now don't feel stupid. He has lied to you for so long you don't know what is truth. So begin there. He is not trustworthy. You cannot believe what he says. He must show you that he can be trusted. He must be totally transparent. He must give you all of his passwords and be accountable for his whereabouts. That is the only way to rebuild trust. And it takes a long time.

Are all the A's over? If not, they must end.

Personally I would get tested for all STD's. I know you have probably been exposed for a long time. But I would do it anyway.

Is he truly committed? Can you tell? If he is I strongly suggest both of you go for counseling. See these A's aren't about you. They are about him and what he's getting from these women. Whatever that may be. He has some serious problems and needs lots of work.

From what I have learned on these boards is that serial cheaters are another creature all together. Alot of the MB principles may not work in your situation because of that fact.

I think you have to dig deep down and decide if this is how you want to live your life. Unless he does alot of repair work on himself and gets to the core of his problem, this will most likely occur again. It's almost like he can't help it.

VegMom, Keep posting here or better yet, go to the GQII forum. It's busier over there. You'll get some of the experts helping you.

Betrayal is soooo hard to get over. It can take 2+ years, easy. You can't rush it, he can't either.

Know that you are not alone. There are people here that can and will help you.

Take care of yourself.

VegMom:

Michele has excellent advice for you.

I was the WS in my M. So you know what my perspective is.

Your Husband will tell you that you were neglectful and he needed "whatever".

There may be truth to that. And it may need to be worked on to improve your future M.

But he chose to seek this outside of the M. Like I did. When busted, I found out with my BS what these issues were and started working on them, We have a much stronger M now. Your H has continued to cheat, even after being caught.

You can make the choice, now, if he is worth the effort. It does not appear that he will do the changes needed.

I recommend that you read "Surviving an Affair" (SAA) and "His Needs, Her Needs", (HNHN) available on this website. It will give you a frame of reference to start recovering your M.

Also, read up about Plan A and Plan B on this site. It will start to give you the tools needed to fix this M.

Also, hang around, and keep posting. You are at a place where you can save your M.

I am proof of this.

honey I am so sorry for all the pain you are going thru. I don't have much advice for you as I am in the exact same situation, just wanted to let you know your not the only one going through this. I hope you can get through this. Good luck

Sounds like he is a sex addict. He needs to go to counseling for that. I would insist on it.

Hi vegmom,

I'm sorry to say that I think you should end the marriage with this man.Now,I don't usually say that and have only told maybe 3 or 4 other's in all the years I have been here that that is how I feel.But I agree with MicheleG,serial cheaters are not "cured" in any usual sense,even Dr.Harley says so.Where I don't agree is with repeated chances to change.He can't and won't.

He also is blaming you each and every time and that's just so horrible.He knows,knows,that you will forgive him and he can waltz right back into the marriage as is and not make a change then cheat again when the opportunity arises.It sounds like you have not given him a strong consequence for his actions.

Don't feel stupid,feel ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! You DO have choices and one is that you DON'T have to take this anymore.This is not a decent life,being married to a man who routinely cheats on you and what is this showing your children? The kids are suffering worse than a divorce right now.Think about it.

Edited to Add: all those suggestions about him being sorry and that he has nightmares,etc are all designed to keep you right where he wants you ok? It's nothing but lies.If he were truly sorry he wouldn't keep cheating over and over,hurting you and the kids.And he would have sought help long ago.How many more years plus the past 8 are you going to let him rob you of a happy,loving life?

Sorry for your pain, but you must INSIST that he go for counseling -- or move out. I was the product of parents who "stayed together for the kids", and believe me it was miserable. I wished with all my heart that my cheating sob father would leave once and for all and stop breaking my mom's heart. But they "stayed together for the kids" -- it really destroyed me.

He either goes for counseling and is told in no uncertain terms that he is on his last "strike" (you're giving him 4 ---), or you get him out of your life once and for all.

My thoughts are with you

I'm so sorry for your hurt. It seems that we are to blame for alot of their imperfections. We take care of them,kids, house, etc... But yet we neglect them, yea right. That is just a line to make us think we are at fault to take them back while they continue with their little secret life. We believe it at first, til one day a light comes on and we realize, we have to work on ourself first. I know my M is over, but I don't want my daughter to hurt either, she lost her real dad in 99 when he passed away, now the one I'm with now wants to act like a little child and think he is gettting over on me, but I know everything, he knows I have changed, for the better, not to be stepped on anymore. I have become a stronger person, it's great when you find yourself first. I wish you all the luck in the world, my prayers will be with you.

We went to our first marriage counseling session last Friday. My husband says he is willing to do what it takes to make things work. We shall see. It does feel good to get things out in the open. I'm hoping that this pastor will point out to my husband the wrong he did by going outside the marriage. Though my husband has appologized and now admits he was wrong, I question if he really knows the severity of what he did and how truely wrong it was to break his vows. I was a virgin when I met him. He had been "around the block" several times. I should have realized how unmatched we were and taken that as a warning sign but I did not judge his past. Maybe I should have. He never realized that sex was a gift from God and not some "activity" you do with just anyone you please. I kinda get the feeling in some way he still feels that way but it's hard to change and old dog. I'm getting annoyed by his comments about him NOT getting sex right now. I feel like he's trying to guilt me. If he had not cheated on me we would not be in this situation.