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Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 5
T
Junior Member
Junior Member
T Offline
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 5
hello, I hope that if anyone dealing with a spouse with Passive-aggresive issued would come by and give me some advice. My biggest concern with my boyfriend is that he didn't keep me informed about things in his life. We lived together for 3 years, and for financial reasons, we had to separate and move in with family (he's with his mom -- she's a variable to his decline in my opinion). One of the things I would ask for is that he kept in contact with me -- even when we couldn't spend time on the phone, I would ask him to please leave me a message and let me know what's going on. I don't think it's a unreasonable request, especially when we BOTH agreed that him having a cell phone would alleviate that problem. We had 3 very good weeks of him helping me out, and I doing my part of being understanding and taking care of myself. But three weeks ago everything went down hill -- who knows, he's lied to me so he could have been in trouble even before that. Two weeks ago after an argument, he came over to discuss the issue, we made up and it was an amzaing 3 hours of talking and, what I thought, honesty. That night, he took my wallet without my knowledge, made four withdrawls and, according to him he thought that I wouldn't worry and assume that it would be somewhere in my home. I panicked the next morning because it's unusual for me to lose these kinds of things -- I reported my wallet lost with the police, put fraud alerts on my credit report; I basically thought that someone had picked up my wallet after losing it at my workplace. I thought I had big problems because I thought I had my SOc. Sec. # in my wallet too. I checked my account, noticed the withdrawls and closed my acct. Two days later, I asked him if he had taken my wallet (advice given to me by my sister -- I NEVER thought he could have had it even though he was the ONLY OTHER person who knew my pin). he lied to me -- boldly and amazingly. He said no. I saw him again that same day and as I explained what I had gone through -- my fears, my sadness, he never fessed up. A week later, the bank called, they showed me the security pictures, and it was him. When I approached him again, he gave me the excuse of having to help out his mother with an electric bill he had forgotten to pay -- tha's why he stole. I asked him if he had been drinking, he said no ( a talk with his mom yesterday revealed that he HAS been drinking). I spoke with a priest yesterday, and of course he didn't tell me to leave, but he did tell me that I had to evaluate so much of our relationship before deciding whether to leave him or not. I want to because I've felt that in so many ways he has shown me (this past year) that he really doesn't care for me. We've been together almost 6 years, and I just can't imagine being single again, or trusting again. Did any of you, find the way to forgive and work? I am so torn, even thought my head keeps telling me to remember that for the past year, he's been horrible to me by not spending time with me. How can I get him to be honest with me? I've been reading up on passive aggression (which he fits the criteria) -- how can I get to the truth?

thanks in advance to anyone.
T.

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970
L
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L Offline
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970
Welcome, Tish...

Tell me, did you prosecute him for fraud?

Not in retaliation, but acknowledgement and respect of his choice to steal from you? If you didn't, then you essentially chose to lie with him...to yourself.

If you believe drinking is an excuse for a crime, or someone else's need (his mother's), then you are accepting this treatment from everyone, not just BF.

Please follow through on your report...which it was indeed stolen, that they have proof of who did it, and file the report to recoup what you have been damaged for.

Follow through for you. This is an act of love and respect. You have them backwards...not doing this says you don't care about or respect him as the capable, whole individual he is...your equal.

When we transgress, we have a way to redeem...through amends. Which is how we acknowledge our mistakes and not do them anymore. Sounds like in the six years you've been together, you guys don't own your own stuff, share who you really are or know where each of you end and the other begins.

You think you can get him to be honest, spend time, show interest...and you can't. Not in your control. Never was or will be. You can only control you. And P/A behaviors require TWO participants, not one. This isn't your first time experiencing P/A behavior...you have it from way back.

We have threads in Infidelity General Questions II (because it gets the most traffic) forum. You can find them by searching for "passive aggressive" as a keyword.

Read all the articles on this website...about meeting Emotional Needs (ENs) and eliminating your own Love Busters (LBs) and about The Love Bank. Harley has a great book "His Needs, Her Needs" which really helps with finding and owning your own ENs...and a helpful book is The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman...complements what Harley writes about.

Learn about yourself, your expectations, resentments, pain and fears...so you can have a healthy, whole relationship. Biggest part of forgiveness is to know what and whom you truly are forgiving.

Another great book on relationships is "Getting The Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix.

Educate yourself...you are asking questions with big, complicated answers...learn about boundaries, who you really are, before you try to "fix" your relationship or him.

You've found this place and I believe, that's a huge act of self-love. Stick with it. You're not alone.

LA

Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 5
T
Junior Member
Junior Member
T Offline
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 5
Hi LA
No I did not prosecute. The moment that I saw the security photos, my mind was racing with so many emotions. I thought at that moment,I don't love him anymore, and then I kept wanting to know "why" did he do it. I was thinking, this is a clean break; I do'nt want to have to see him again or testify against him. I just wanted to be left alone. I ended it. I saw his mom and told her that I wouldn't be around; she disclosed to me that he hadn't been around and didn't spend the night at her house -- more signs. I spoke with a priest again, and he blessed me and said he'd pray for me to stay strong, and I honestly believe that I will stay strong, because I feel "lighter' --I cannot go back to that kind of life. He might not like himself or love himself, but then THAT alone shows he's not ready to love me-- I'm not carrying a burden somehow -- I feel truly free -- I don't know if I'm explaining correctly, but I feel good. No communication from him or his mother, is actually good news.

Whatever love (or doubt) was left, I've decided to let it go because I don't deserve that kind of treatment -- no one should.
I am still going to work on me, and I've been writing a lot in my journal. I've looked up passive aggressive and I'm studying what that's about. I don't want to repeat these mistakes. I AM assertive, and strong and independant (that's what I've held on to and that's probably why I've finally broken free), these characteristics (God knows why) seems to attract the PA personality. But, I can actually see a future now -- it's strange, I can see the road ahead and I'm actually VERY happy to be alone and finally going to take care of my life. In 3 weeks I graduate from a medical assitant program and I think that THIS was a push for me to move from the city that I'm at. It's been in my head for a while ( since this guy doesn't seem to be ready to graduate from college after so many years!); I'm planning a move and BRAND new future.

You know, I still have questions, but I'm okay with not knowing the answers -- I don't care what the answers are because nothing can justfy his actions -- nothing.
I thank you for your resonse again LA -- although I did not prosecute, I made the right choice to leave. It's been quick, but I know I'm doing the right thing and I am AMAZED at my inner strength. I am amazed. I will keep coming by and I'm going to take care of myself.
thank you so much

Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 566
I
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I Offline
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 566
Being that you are living in separate houses, I find myself thinking that you are not married. This simplifies my response, somewhat.

If you are not married, ask yourself this: Do I want to live the rest of my life with someone who has stolen from me, lied to me, and choses his own family over me? Am I so flawed that I could not find someone more respectful to be involved with?

Any one of those problems can doom a marriage, but all three? If this is not a legal and spiritual committment, I think you have better options being alone and free to date than being with this guy, no matter how nice he is. You deserve better, and there is better out there. I promise! You cannot fix his problems, only he can decide why it was worth it to steal and lie to you and if he is capable of doing this again. What if next time he doesn't steal from you, but steals from someone else? Do you want to waste your youth waiting for him to straighten up?

I know it is hard, but you can find strength to be alone! Spend time with the girlfriends. Write a blog on dating. Join a bowling league. Work on your tan. There's plenty to do that does not involve constantly having to justify your relationship with a liar/thief.

Please consider this is not a good road to take.

Regards,

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 323
S
Member
Member
S Offline
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 323
Try this webpage, helped me a lot.

http://www.angriesout.com/couples8.htm


I have a thread over on Emotional Needs ("Slimjim's observation about validation") that touches on some P/A stuff.


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