Hello...I am new here, but I'm glad I found this supportive board. I just ended a VERY short, but none the less, emotional affair with an EX from 15 years ago.. My H just found out, and is, understandably, very hurt. This is the 2nd time I have done this (1st time very early in our marriage) and that EA was also very short lived. I immediately realized my indescretion, and sought counsel from my pastor. I don't know why I have done this, and I am seeking the Lord for help to understand why I have now done this twice. I don't blame my husband....I take full responsibility.

I would love to get some insight from anybody who's been where we are right now. At first, my husband was so angry, he immediately said he wanted a D. But, now, he says he doesn't know what he wants. I don't want to lose my marriage, or my family. (we have 3 children) Could someone please advise me on what I can do now for my H to make it better? Should I just back off and give him space/time? Any and all advice would be greatly appreciated.

Hi Snappycindy,

You have definitely come to the right place. If you haven't read Dr. Harley's articles on this website regarding "surviving an affair", you should do so right away. Then read the articles on "emotional needs", "love busters" and "resentments". All of these articles are free on this website.

I am the BS of a husband who also had an 8 week long EA with a girl he met online in a role playing game. I minimized this at first but then it hit me like a ton a bricks. I was devasted. Just found out 2 months ago and am trying to understand everything now.

What I do know is that the best way to help your husband is give him what he needs right now. Print out the questionnaire for the emotional needs and you and your husband sit down and answer them. Everyone is different so ASK him what he needs to feel better and then make a conscious effort to do it even if you don't feel like it.

While you are working on his EN's, also read about the love buster's so that your work doesn't go down the drain.

It is obvious that you were looking for something that you felt you needed and that your husband wasn't providing for you, thus the reason for the online A's. He also needs to fill your needs but that will be especially difficult for him to do right now because he is so hurt. He'll come around if you start fullfilling his needs though. In time, both of your needs will be met and you won't feel the need to get what you need from somewhere else.

It's been 2 months for me and I am still having a hard time fullfilling his needs because I keep getting triggers and setbacks. But, my husband has been very patient with me and has been trying to fullfill my needs and I know that's what is making the difference for me on whether I should stay or not.

You need to be VERY transparent to him by not having any secret agendas. Let him know what your passwords are even if he says he doesn't want them. Good advice on an earlier post was to tape your passwords somewhere where he can see them and then he can look through your e-mails when he feels comfortable. Tell him what you did that day. Tell him who you talked to and went to luch with. Write it down for him on a daily basis so he won't feel like a "nag" trying to spy on you.


If he wants details about the A's, give it to him. Even though the truth hurts, it's easier to deal with the truth than just not knowing. Of course, if he'd rather not know, take it slow. Also, you need to read about "radical honesty".

Your are both 50% reponsible for your problems but you are 100% responsible for your A's. I honestly feel like the WS should go that extra mile to help their spouse heal from the affair so that the spouse can heal enough to deal with their 50% that they need to fix. I may be giving you some bad advice with that one but this is how "I" feel.

Let you spouse know several times a day that you want to fullfill his needs.

This last point is very important........you have caused your husband a great deal of pain. Unless you've been there you have no idea what it's like, even if it's just an EA. He needs to know that you are truly remorseful and tell him enough times and enough ways that he is certain that you are remorseful.

Good luck and hang in there. It's going to be a bumpy ride but if you use the above mentioned MB principles, you really have alot to look forward to in this marrige.

You certainly need counseling to understand why you would risk your marriage and hurt your husband this way. If there was physical intimacy involved then you need to be tested for STD's. Imagine how hurt you would be if your husband did this to you twice. What would you want from him to prove his loyalty if the roles were reversed? Maybe this can help you find your way back to your husband.

SnappyCindy,

I am glad you found this place but sorry you are here. You asked
Well, here is some bad news. This is like you stabbed him the gut. You cannot heal him, and really you cannot help him heal. All you can do is provide comfort. I would NOT back off, but I think you need to let him take the lead and tell you what he wants.

This is the second time you have done this, so his faith in you and your promises is very very low right now. But, what you may NOT really understand yet, is that the person he is questioning is himself.

You stated you don't want to lose your marriage or your family, but that desire to keep them is clearly not very strong. This suggests to him, that HE is the problem and he is very likely questioning if he could EVER keep you happy and satisfied. You see he is battling himself. His pride says LEAVE HER. His common sense is telling him SHE DID THIS TWICE and clearly I cannot satisfy her. His heart is telling him he loves you. Do you see the battle?

Now, I would recommend you read the articles here. State with love busters and pay particular attention to the one called "disrespectful judgements", DJ's for short. Read Harley's four rules for a good marriage and see how you two have done on those. Read his articles on the policy of joint agreement, POJA, and the policy of radical honesty. Those two policies alone would have kept you out of these affairs.

Finally, you need to come to understand WHY you have made the choices you did. Why you gave yourself permission to violate your vows. Why you felt it was worth risking your family and marriage. This may sound accusatory but the point is this. If this marriage is to be rebuilt you and subsequently your H are going to have to address the reasons why you have made the decisions you have made.

One thing to consider is the difference between reasons and excuses. They can sound very much the same to the outside. But within you, you will KNOW when you have found the reasons and you will know when you can explain why it became alright for you to violate YOUR vows.

I hope this makes sense. I look forward to hearing from you in the future and I do hope that you will find this site of help to you.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you both for your advice and words of encouragement. Even though my EA never became a PA, I'm still very ashamed and embarrassed. I am and will be actively seeking help from God and this site to figure out my issues. My H said he wants to save our marriage, and he's willing to do the exercises found on MB, and even go to a "Weekend to Remember" conference with me. Things are looking up but I know we still have alot of work to do.

Cindy,

My FWH had a short lived EA with an old hs girlfriend. It was a real roller coaster of emotions for me and it still has ups and downs, just not as extreme as the first few months. After the initial shock, I feel I did pretty good at meeting his emotional needs (primarily admiration). I then think I went through a period of time (maybe 3 months) where I was focussed more on "me" and my feelings of betrayal and shock (we really have had a very good marriage.)

After D day, once he fully understood the evilness of what he had done, he took a long hard look at his behavior with the family in general. He has begun investing himself in me and the kids more intensely than he ever did before the EA. We feel that this is a big part of what was missing in the M. It was difficult for me to give him the admiration he needed when he was so distant from family emotional needs. (He was always able to do the laundry or cook a pot of soup.)

All in all, we have a much greater level of intimacy than we ever had before the EA.

My H became completely transparent with cell phone, and e-mail account. He had NC immediately and wrote a NC e-mail that I approved. If you haven't done this already---BE CAREFUL about what that NC letter says. There was one sentence in my H's NC letter that I did not really like, but at the time, I felt that it was not my place to ask him to remove it. I somehow felt he had a right to that amount of individuality in expressing himself to her. It has stuck in my craw ever since. When I told him about it weeks later, he said he would have gladly removed it had he known that it was hurtful to me.

Just be sure to ask your H if he is certain that your NC letter is completely to his liking and follow the models available on this web site.

My H also began to meet more of my ENs. I think this has been hard for him for two reasons: He is not the most imaginative man around and I have been feeling so crappy about it all that it is difficult for me to take pleasure in his actions (aside from SF.)

Be patient, stay calm, don't whine about what he says he needs from you or when he asks you questions that make you want to squirm.

Try to say more of what you are thinking about--You know-those thoughts that run through your head that you don't always express. Say out loud to him those thoughts that are positive and good-the ones that you know he would really like to hear. Carefully think about and lovingly say the ones that you think might be a little more challenging for him to hear. Be sure to place blame and responsibility on yourself regarding these more challenging messages and be sure to use good timing of these messages in their delivery. Maybe you won't have any challenging thoughts to convey into verbal statements to him. My H did not really have any except for the fog talk that he gave me upon initial discovery.

Spend as much time as you can with him if that is what he wants. I find it helpful for my H to come up with intimate conversation that is positive. This helps me keep my mind away from the dark side.

Find ways to truly enjoy your H that you know meet his ENs. But be patient. It may take time for him to feel good and he may have days where out of the blue, he does not feel good.

My Hs EA gave a huge hit to my ego and sense of self. I am learning that this should not be the case--it really was a big hit to his sense of self. He has always viewed himself as very loyal to me--so it was really his sense of self that he assaulted in his actions--not mine. He feels I was truly blameless, not only for the EA but blameless in that he feels I was always trying to be there for him and trying to be intimate and meet ENs--his and the entire family's.

Keep assertively meeting his ENs even when he seems to be doing well. Don't back off just because things seem to be goin ok. You need to know that the dark thoughts are always there in the background and you need to be very diligent in your efforts to give him what he needs.
Lake