It's been awhile since I've posted. Here's the rundown...Was living in a foreign country for 6 years supporting H in his career and being with his family again. Found out about his A last July and he wanted me to leave. Came back to U.S. and shortly after met someone. I knew better (have read alot on MB and knew to avoid getting involved before divorce) but I was so low on self esteem, confidence, lonely, etc. I went ahead anyway...
The man I met had gone thru this himself, his ExW had cheated on him too. He had been alone for 4 years (confirmed this as we are both from the same small town). He has shown me an incredible amount of support, love and caring through it all. He knew everything from the start. I told him I didn't know what I was going to do or when. I might go back to WH, or move to another city, and that he was taking a big risk if he wanted to be w/me. He knows and accepts it.
In Feb WH showed up and announced he had left the OW (he told me he broke up the day before, spent the night with her, got up in the morning and flew here). He wanted me to come back. I told him about the man I met and am with. He asked if I would break up w/him and I said no.
I didn't believe WH had truly left her and knew that if I went back he could very well hand me airline tickets AGAIN.
Nor did I want to leave a man who has shown me a better way to be treated.
Now WH says for financial reasons he wants to stay over there for a year, then will come back to the US and we can try again. I don't buy that either. He went back to her right away and is still with her. From the start he's told me I didn't do anything wrong, that a man couldn't ask for a better wife and friend. He doesn't see his future with her, just me. He's confused, selfish and I truly believe going thru a mid-life crisis (bought a Harley to top it off).
I have started the divorce process, he doesn't want it and deep down I don't either. BUT he doesn't really want to move back to the US even though he says he will and I absolutely refuse to go back. My experience there was of constant stress (my hair was falling out from it). Day to day life was difficult and I was not happy...which did contribute to our problems. He told me that the OW is a happy person. Yeah ok...she was his employee, he's the boss, and he knows she's slept with other guys in the office. Nice.
We were together 17 years, 11 married. I willingly put my career on hold and left everything I knew because I loved him very deeply. He changed quite a bit after moving to his home country and it wasn't good. Drinking became a big problem. I have an alcoholic parent and have a very hard time w/drunk people..he never understood that. We were best friends, sex was fun, could talk for hours (still can even though we're in this mess), told each other how lucky we felt to be together. Other people told us (even the OW) they saw something special between us. Sigh...what the heck happened?
I have talked with the man I'm with, he knows I have to move on and get my career going again for financial reasons...that means going to a bigger city and because of his kids he can't leave (they live w/Mom). He's a wonderful father. I know I'm not being fair to him yet he knows full well the situation and wants to be with me anyway.
So...what do I want? I struggle with it every minute of the day. I loved my WH so much, so deeply and totally that when this happened it was extremely devastating. I sacrificed alot for him and now I've learned not to do that again. My mistake was putting responsibility for my happiness on him. It's obvious what his mistake was!
I've read MB books, midlife crisis books, have started seeing a therapist...have lots of support..no kids...I can start over fresh and go anywhere/do anything...trick is to figure out what. I know I and my friend will go thru heartache when it's time to go. Part of me is so grateful he came along when he did, part of me wishes I hadn't got him involved. I have thanked him over and over for helping me, and he's told me I've helpd him too.
I have hope WH and I can make things better someday, if not, I have hope that I will make the right decisions for myself.
