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I posted this in the recovery forum but I thought I would post it here also for help. It has been 2 1/2 years since dday. Wife and I are doing ok having typical ups and downs. I am having daily thoughts, but mostly ok. My question is should I tell his wife about the affair. I never exposed the affair to her and I now regret not doing it. I also regret giving in to my wife so fast and not making her see what it would be like to be a single mother. I feel as if I was the one who got messed around on and I gave in and she had no suffering at all.
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Married 11 years.
DDay July 1, 2004
2 kids D7, S5
Married 17 years.
DDay July 1, 2004
2 kids D13, S10
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imconfused, I assure you she would be most grateful if you did the decent thing and told her about that affair. That would give her the same opportunity to save your marriage that you were afforded. She has probably suspected something for years, but could never quite figure it out.
Have you and your wife examined the causes that led up to her affair? Are you in counseling?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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We have gone thru counseling but are currently not in counseling. So how do you think i should go about telling her.
Married 17 years.
DDay July 1, 2004
2 kids D13, S10
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I would call her up and tell her what you know. Tell her how sorry you are for having to break the news and be as sympathetic as possible. You might want to also give her your email address in case she has any follow up questions. It won't be easy, so I would be prepared for some heartbreak. It will also break your heart to tell her, but it will be the right thing to do.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I realize that this will be the right thing to do. I also think that my wife might find out and start some trouble. But this may also let me know if they are in contact.
Married 17 years.
DDay July 1, 2004
2 kids D13, S10
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Do you think they are still in contact?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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No but I think a friend of hers talks to him. But then again I dont trust any one any more.
Married 17 years.
DDay July 1, 2004
2 kids D13, S10
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I also regret giving in to my wife so fast and not making her see what it would be like to be a single mother. I feel as if I was the one who got messed around on and I gave in and she had no suffering at all. Is this all about getting revenge on your wife? If so, then I'm not sure that this is the best course of action.
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Well, it is still the best course of action, but for the wrong reasons if that is so. That doesn't mean it shouldn't be done, though.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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To be honest it is for both reasons. I do think she should know. I also resent the fact that I didnt make her suffer. I know that sounds mean, but I have been living thru pure ****** since dday trying to figure all of this out, and keep my sanity. I want to make his life as miserable as mine.
Married 17 years.
DDay July 1, 2004
2 kids D13, S10
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Ok, maybe it *is* the best course of action - but maybe it's also important to start thinking about it in terms of saving your marriage rather than getting revenge on your WW and OM.
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imconfused, what kinds of things are you doing to repair the damage in your marriage? Do you have His Needs, Her Needs?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I guess a big problem that I have is she is soo controlling and wants me to do everything her way. That is a big part of the problem in our marriage. I work out of town and went have a few beers from 430 till 730 and she had a fit. But when she was sleeping around on me I used to watch the kids and she would go out all nite. Yes I know I was stupid and nieve, but I didnt do anything remotely close to what she did.
Married 17 years.
DDay July 1, 2004
2 kids D13, S10
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imconfused, if she doesn't want you to go out drinking, why would you do it? Good grief. That is not very loving. What a lovebuster.
Do you even want to have a good marriage?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I work out of town and went have a few beers from 430 till 730 and she had a fit. But when she was sleeping around on me I used to watch the kids and she would go out all nite. Did you say this to her?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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It is not like I went out partying all nite. We went eat and had a few drinks at my apt at 730.
Married 17 years.
DDay July 1, 2004
2 kids D13, S10
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Ya know, no one can force you to work on your marriage. You have to be willing to do the hard work to have a good marriage. You will get out of it what you put into it and I suspect you don't put much into it.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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sounds like your wife is a typical control freak... you go out for a couple of hours and she has a fit... she acts like a HO and what has she done to make it right. Dude... expose this A immediately... I really don't care what your reasons are. If your W doesn't like it... tough $hit. Read all this site has to offer and start working on the emotional needs questionaires. Ask your W to come here too.
If your W still has contact with anyone that remains in contact with this guy... she must be firm in letting them know that she wants no information about him at all. Anyone that is not a friend to your M or that knew of the A and helped her cover it up, needs to be cut out of your life immediately.
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