for those that have been there and done that is it worth it? xow is still in her anger stage. she cannot stop saying how h lied and made promises and led her on. truth is he did but when it came down to it she was kicked to the curb the day i found out and she is still at the curb. its not a place she likes being.

oc is still an infant but we need to make a decision one way or the other. we can go to court and fight for h's right but we are not sure. so from experience is it worth it? h told ow he would not see oc w/o me there so he has not even seen oc yet.

i think ow is afraid to file for cs just yet (DNA test has been done) because she is afraid of losing custody or having to share custody. we live in a very pro father/joint custody county. she has a child from her first marriage which she lost custody of because of a past drug problem (she claims to have been clean for 2 years) but her ex husband keeps very close tabs on her where their child is concerned and her visitation is still restricted with said child.

that is another concern. h believes xOW is clean but were not sure if she is fit to raise OC.

Amanda, welcome to MB. How long since dday? What are you doing to heal you and your marriage? We always say around here that healing the marriage is important BEFORE considering contact with OC.

Is contact worth it? Only you and your H can judge that. Do you have other children? If so, do they know? There are stories that go both ways here. Currently we do not have contact though my H does plan on doing so through the legal system. Right now we are working on healing our marriage.

Stick around others with experience with contact will be by.

Hello Amanda.

My H insisted on contact before Lil Bit was even born.
He inisted on being a part of her life, I was against it because I didn't feel ready to deal with it.

BUT... After learning more about the OW and her history (OW in our case has similar issues as yours) I just couldn't let her be the only one involved in raising H's child.
So, we plunged into Contact.

Now, over 5 years into contact H has Primary Custody.
OW isn't paying child support and has spent time in jail.
Its been 5 months since Lil Bit has seen her biomom...

Dealing with Contact is not an easy thing, especially when one side or the other is bent on causing problems.

Weigh your options carefully. Be sure that you have support within your marriage (both H and W must be supportive of the decision) and from other family and friends. Without support and encouragement either one of you may become resentful of the situation no matter which way you choose.
Use the Policy of Joint Agreement(both H and W must come to an enthusiastic agreement) to come to the RIGHT decision for YOUR MARRIAGE. It is ultimately the marriage that takes precedence over the everything.

If you choose Contact be sure your focus is on caring for that little child. Put aside any bitter feelings you may have for the OW, and concentrate on raising that child to be the best person they can be.
Remember, the OW may be a thorn in your side... she may continue in the "anger stage" for a long time. But if you choose contact, you will have to deal with that.

Marriage first, children second.
As the old saying goes,
"If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."
The marriage must be strong enough to handle contact.
If there is any doubt, don't do it until your marriage is strong enough.

Hugs.
Stacia

If there is serious concern re: the XOW's ability to parent, there's a good chance you'll end up with custody like Stacia. If custody is something you are interesting in, and you can handle the drama until that (custody) point in the future, definately keep visitation open.

These women don't have good boundaries. BOUNDARIES are something you guys have to enforce, because she won't. After repeatedly bumping into these boundaries, some mothers settle down and play by the rules... ours did, but some don't. It's difficult to tell which you have, kwim?

Honestly, I've enjoyed getting to know OC and she fits well in our family. However, we had a couple years of no contact prior that helped in healing our marriage. I see benefits/drawbacks to both C and NC, so I respect a couple deciding either way.

Best wishes,
J
married 20y
3 COM
1 OC, visitation

Reading your stories has really helped me realize I'm not alone in all this. I found out a month and a half ago that my H was having an A for almost 2 years. The OW has his OC who is about 5 months old. (No DNA test as of yet). I am totally devastated. My H says I'm the one he loves and wants to grow old with. How can I ever believe anything he says again? He's cut off contact with the OW. I fear we will have a fight on our hands concerning the OC. At this point, I want nothing to do with the OC. Am I a horrible person for this? We have a son together who knows nothing of this. I cry every single day. The OW also has pics up on her MySpace of she and MY H!!! She has no shame! She is making it seem like they are the happy little family, when in reality.....he never even picked up or held the OC. I'm dealing with the OW living in her fantasy world that she's still with my H. I'm just terrified my friends or family might run across her MySpace page. I'm just not ready for this. I'm so scared. I just want to crawl in bed and never come out. What do I do?

AuroraRose, welcome to MB. I am so sorry for all of your hurt and the added pain of an OC in the picture.

How long has the A been over? Are you in MC? Before the two of you can even consider contact with the OC some things need to be taken care of.

1. DNA is a must before he gives any money for CS to OW.
2. If DNA proves OC to be his, then legally get CS set up.
3. MC and/or IC for both of you. You also need some support. Do you have a friend or family member you can confide in? How old is your child?
5. Work on the marriage and heal from the adultery BEFORE you consider contact. Remember that the OC is innocent just like you and your COM. It is not OC fault for the circumstances of her/his birth.

Have you and your H read through "Surviving An Affair" or "After the Affair" or "Torn Assunder"? These are all very good book for marriage recovery.

Now, a little 2x4 for you... Do NOT go read OW myspace anymore. OK? It is not good for your soul. Focus on what you and your hubby have instead. God bless

Also AR if you wish to check out

www.survivingbetrayal.com

Several of us in the same boat post there.

Faithful Follower,
I'm not sure of the exact date the A was over. A few months after the OW got pregnant. We are going to start MC soon. Yes, I have a couple of family members in which I have confided. My child is 16. He and my H have such a close bond. I'm afraid he will not be able to handle this if he finds out. I realize that the OC is not at fault here. I just can't imagine having to deal with the OW for the rest of our lives. The thought of it is overwhelming. I have not read any of the books you mentioned, but I will read them. I need all the help I can get. Thank you so much. You've really helped to point me in the right direction.

AR, whatever you do don't go away. The support of others that have walked in your shoes is extremely helpful.

You do not have to have contact with the OC. It needs to be a joint decision with your and your H AFTER you work on the marriage. I would also recommend you both sit down and tell your child the truth. He is old enough to understand. My DD is 13. She knows about the A and OC. It was devasatating but worse was the lies because OC was over a year old when she found out. It would be very hard on your child if he finds out from someone else.

FF,
I'm not going anywhere. This website is so helpful. It was a blessing that I found it! Like I said before, it eases my pain to know I'm not the only person that's ever had to deal with something like this. I still have so much to learn. BTW, I will not look at the OW MySpace anymore. You're right. It's not good for my soul.
~AR

{{AuroraRose}}, those are cyber hugs for you from one who knows.

FF,
Many thanks!!! I'll keep you updated.
Big Hugs!
~AR

AR,
You have found a great site for support and information from people who have been there! The other website is great, too. This situation has its own special complications that we all hate. But there are many ladies who have been through this and have survived.......with all different type of outcomes.

We have NC with OW/OC. I don't think I would have stayed without it. Especially at first when the marriage is sooo fragile. But the OW in my case, and many others, still wanted to break up our marriage for a long time and having contact with her for the sake of OC was out of the question, as far as I concerned and my H agreed that he couldn't do it. They also live thousands of miles away.........which would have made C very difficult and expensive. Who knows what will happen in the future though.

Don't make your decision about C yet. People make tell you that NC is cruel and inhuman treatment of OC. But that is not true. You and your children have the right to strengthen your family and make your choice. You were NOT consulted in the affair and are NOT responsible for correcting THEIR choices.

Some people want contact and feel they can love OC and bring them into the family. They want this. But what goes with it, is a bitter OW who generally doesn't want you around her child and resents that you and H are still together. There is so much drama and conflict that DOES happen with shared custody. I haven't seen a case yet where it didn't, generally because of OW. Some are extreme and some are resolved fairly quickly, but I think it always happens. You would need to be a solid unit with your H to withstand it and have strong boundaries with OW.

There are so many ladies who can help you with C, if you choose it. I choose NC for me and my children. My H created the problem, but I didn't have to accept it for me. I worried if I was being unreasonable and mean. But the treatment we all receive at the hands of the "affairees" is cruel and mean. Decisions are made on both sides.

I am so sorry for your pain. I know that pain. You have a long way to go so don't be impatient to "get over it". This takes years to work out.

Remember, that there is no easy, painfree way to solve this problem. There is pain for everyone.....H, you, OW, your children and OC. Take care of you and your children and make it as pain free for you as possible. You did nothing to create the pain that will affect everyone for years to come. They did.

But you can survive and your marriage can thrive, even after this type of disaster! It takes work. Lots of work from both you and H........and you both need to be committed for the long term. Expect setbacks and triggers that make you feel horrible. Deal with them and move forward.

Keep posting. Take care of yourself and your children. Try to stay positive, but don't be alarmed if you are not.

AR,
You should start your own thread so people will know you are here! It will get buried inside Amanda's thread. It is easy to start and just tell your story or cut and paste what you have already said.

LB,
I am so new to this site. I'm embarrased to say I don't know how to start a new thread. I will have to continue this tonight. I've got to get back to work. Thank you for sharing your story with me. I look forward to speaking with you again soon.
~AR

No problem. I will start one for you with your first post here. Add to it as you like!

I haven't posted here in a long time.

I have contact with OC. The little girl is about 3 and I love her like on of my own.

It's been almost 3 years since I found out about the baby. The first year was tough. There were issues with my marriage, our children of marriage, our families, and even assorted acquaintances. (it was a doozie trying to figure out how to explain to people about where this baby came from all of a sudden.....)

But....we're fixing to start standard visitation in the next couple of weeks. So we are going to have our first Christmas with OC in our home.

Was it easy? NO. Was it worth it? Yes.

Believe it or not, OW and I are not friends, but we do talk at the drop offs. Ask about each other's kids, (she was married also) and generally behave ourselves. Not to say there weren't problems every now and then, but we've worked them out.

For some reason, HER husband, stays in the background. And if that is how he wants things to be, that's best for all of us. Both OW and husband have apologized to their families, and my husband even asked for OW's forgiveness.

If you want contact, then it can work out. But you and your husband HAVE to work together. As a team. We worked well because I was pi**ed off. That's how I initially got through everything. The court dates, lawyer fees, parenting classes......

I stayed really angry at the OW for a good 9 mos. after D-day. It worked for me. It got me and my family through that first 6 mos.

Hang in there!

Janice

I wanted to thank you all for the advice and post an update. When we first met with the lawyer we didn't know all the facts at the time surrounding why xOW's visitation with her son is still restricted. He says husband would have to be proven unfit not to get joint custody and the burdon would be on OW to prove. This prompted me to contact OW XH.

I contacted her XH and he was not shocked at all to find out the circumstances of OC's birth. Apparently she is a serial OW. He told us that OW has fallen off the wagon twice in the last 5 years and that if she wants unsupervised visitation she has to be drug tested every month. He told us that she has been clean for the last 2 years and that she did a lot of emotional damage (lies, broken promises, etc) to the child and was high when she had him more than once.

He told me that she could probably go back to court and get more time with their child but she has not pursued that. He told me as it stands she cannot get him overnights. She gets him Wed night for 3 hours and e/o Sat and Sun for 8 hours. He gave me copies of all the documentation he had (there is a BUNCH) and said that he would testify on our behalf. He told us that we need to save this child from her and that she will fall off the wagon again. He just knows it. He told us all about her destructive behavior.

After much prayer and talking with our counselor we have decided to pursue custody of OC. Our lawyer is currently preparing the case and going over all the info that her XH have us (he called it a goldmine) but cauationed us that unless OW falls off the wagon again we could not get sole custody of OC. Still we have a very strong case. Our goal will be to get as much physical custody as possible. I will let you know how it goes.

Amanda,
I fully appreciate your position. I was/am in that same postion. Placing the welfare of the child above my own wants and needs.
I pray that you and your husband are able to gain the majority of time, if not Primary Custody, of the OC in your situation.

Continue to read here, the Basic Concepts... in particular the Policy of Joint Agreement. Continue to work on your marriage to be able to handle everything that is going to be coming your way during this new journey you are undertaking.

Hugs,
Stacia

Anyone out there remember me? I was part of the "Love Me Not" thread from earlier this year, and responded in a lengthy manner to the woman who had an affair with a married man, got pregnant and was in an uproar over her situation. She wrote for advice about trusting the husband (and father of her baby) and the betrayed spouse. I answered her, saying I was in the opposite situation and talking about how strong I would try to be for everyone's sake, to try to keep my family and marriage intact.

I have waited for months to respond again and I am doing so within the confines of someone else's thread just in case.

This is good, folks. I had a feeling and turns out I was right, but Love Me Not actually was the Other Woman in my situation. I knew from the minute I started reading that it could be her, which was so weird because she had posted minutes before I found her post (my 1st time on the site, too!).

I am here to update my situation which is to say, AAARRRGH! My husband has effectively physically and emotionally abandoned me and my children. Yes, for the moment he is still paying bills, although I see him trying to get out of it, telling me that I have to go get a job so he can afford to move out of his friend's home. For now and especially under these circumstances, my job has been and continues to be mother to these children. They need me more than ever and for now this is where I need to be.

But he sees the kids maybe once or twice a week, although right now he has spent time with them once in three weeks. He calls them maybe once a week. He went out of state to visit his folks for a week at Thanksgiving, when our 3 children had that same week off from school and he could have been spending time with them.

On the other hand, he seems to have regular contact with the other woman and their child. He talks with her every day, mulitple times. I don't know if it is love, duty, the fact that she is emotionally unstable, or some of each that keeps him enmeshed with her. But after three months of trying to make things work, I realized he didn't want that and was unwilling to end his contact with the other woman and their child, and he left the house in July. He moved in with her for three weeks, only leaving when I forced his hand. Now I just don't care.

The OW has been a nightmare in all of this. So unstable, so insecure, so fearful, so jealous. What I will never understand is what they saw in each other and why either one would want to be with the other. How could she want to commit to a man who left his wife and three children? What makes her think she is safe with him, that he wouldn't leave her as well? On the other hand, how could he want to be with a woman who would be willing to commit to someone like him who had left his wife and three children? So little self respect she must have for herself. They really do deserve each other.

Neither one of us has filed papers. I decided a few months back to give myself through the end of the year, past the holidays to deal with this situation officially and legally (interesting and scary that he and the OW are both lawyers). I am also exhausted from being single parent to our three children 24/7, so I am taking things in steps so I can survive! I don't know why he hasn't made a move yet, but I am sure it is coming.

After everything, I know I gave it my all. I put everything I had, my love, my trust, my commitment into our marriage and family. It turns out I was dealing with damaged goods all these years. My husband was never the man I thought he was or could be. I had loved him for 22 years. Apparently, according to him, he hadn't felt that way about me for years. Nice, huh? I hope I can find love and comfort with someone someday, but right now I can't see trusting again.

My point? Work with your situation until you feel out of your comfort zone. That is, if you want to make a go of it, then do it. When it doesn't feel right anymore, it may be time to move on. I thought I could be superwoman and take on the OW and their child and work with my husband to figure things out. It was only when I realized I was doing all the trying and giving and sacrificing, that I knew I had to stop the madness. He was never willing to make a choice, he wanted everyone to make his life okay by doing what he wanted, which was to have everything, his family, his other family, and no one mad at him anymore.

I finally got his underlying message which was that he didn't want me or our marriage anymore. The ultimate rejection, the most painful of all pains he has caused me and he doesn't see it. In fact he has never faced the fact that he betrayed a family, not just a wife, and that his three children with me know and feel this. They are so angry with him about his previous and current actions. He has never apologized to them for what he has done, never asked for their forgiveness (not that they could give it anytime soon). They can barely stand to be in the same room with him. I have tried to pave the way (I know he thinks I am sitting here poisoning them) for their working things out with him, but to no avail yet. His not being around much doesn't help matters, and neither does his continued contact with the OW and their child. I pray that we can heal, but it is still too soon to expect us to have moved on, no matter how much my husband would like us to be over everything already.

So, respect and love yourself. Protect your interests and your children's as well. Don't give too much of yourself away without knowing there is good reason to do so. If you go for it, give it your best shot and be as honest as you can. And forgive yourself if it doesn't it work. Whatever your role in this marriage and current situation, you did not cheat, stray, betray, lie, or be stupid enough as to have unprotected sex (SO STUPID!!!). Make sure you have lots of support, family and friends who are willing to be there for you with love, friendship, child care, a meal, a cup of coffee, a lead on a new job, whatever you may need.

I still feel strong, exhausted but strong, and I know my children and I will come through this maybe scarred but hopefully healed. I won't give up on our family the way my husband and their father has.