It's been awhile, but here goes...

Those who remember my story may recall that my then-husband had a huge fake wedding with OW about two years ago. This was an event for 300, at which some of my best friends attended. My XH is a "power-possessing being" and (was then) the second-in-command in a New Age community.

One of my dearest friends of 25 years and her husband -- I'll call them Janet and Fred -- sat at the "wedding table." They were not friends of XH and OW; but they had been courted precisely because they were my friends.

For awhile after this event I was in shock. While I distanced myself from Fred and Janet, I continued to speak to them. For good reason: Fred was dying of cancer, and has since died. I feel bad for Janet, but I have kind of kept it to a glib social minimum.

Janet keeps saying we should "get together for lunch." I got back from out of town yesterday, and there was a plaintive voice on my phone suggesting lunch.

I don't want to be rude to Janet; I know she's been through a lot. But so have I. She wishes to resume our friendship as if nothing had happened.

Anything I say will be seen as my "hanging on to the past" or my "unwillingness to forgive" (forgetting the fact that everyone has been denying that there has been an injury -- hence, nothing for me to forgive). The fact that we were not divorced when the "wedding" happened is seen as a technicality -- not siding with an adulterer as I was beginning a horrible and anguishing legal process against my will.

There's no point in arguing. And anything I say will initiate an exchange or spread the rumor that I am "negative."

But more important to me: I wrote this friendship off two years ago. I see no reason to re-initiate it, and re-expose myself to injury. Already this has taken more space in my head in the last twelve hours than I would like. Since no injury has been admitted, I have no reason to believe it will not happen again.

I am trying hard to get out of here (several job interviews pending). I want to start a new life. And I value my peace of mind.

How can I brush this off politely, but conclusively? I'm even willing to leave the door open so that if she saves my daughter from a burning building, we can resume our friendship. But it would take something that extreme.

(Ironically, I was out of town yesterday with XH's family. Absolutely lovely people. I adored his parents, love his kids, and am good friends with siblings. Of course I know that blood is thicker than water -- but he has virtually abandoned them, and they know something is "off" with him.)

Dear AM- How about, "Janet, the way you supported my former husband while he was committing adultery has hurt me deeply. I am sorry for your loss, but I have no desire to continue with a friendship that obviously meant so little to you in the past that you would do that to me."

WIth friends like that, who needs enemies????? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Hi AMM. Hope thing are looking up. Congrats again on your book.

Seems to me you stated your goal pretty clearly: "How can I brush this off politely, but conclusively? I'm even willing to leave the door open so that if she saves my daughter from a burning building, we can resume our friendship. But it would take something that extreme"

So, you already know what you want. The question is one of implementation.

How to do that is not my forte'. I am a rather blunt sort of geek. Perhaps a more sensitive soul such as yourself can put the right words on paper and send her a letter or email re-saying what you already wrote in your post?

Having it down on paper is good, IMO, in case anyone later accuses you of being mean.

With prayers,

PS: I have some new contacts I need to send, BTW.

PPS: I sure don't know how you manage to live in that whole environment.

AM,

I would tell your former friend that

" I have not worked through my own mourning process and unfortunately you trigger memories of a very painful time in my life. I need more time to get through my pain"

The problem is: no one is willing to concede that they have done anything cruel, and everyone thinks I should have "moved on."

I have "moved on" -- but part of that process was moving on WITHOUT them. As one of my stepsons said, when you remove a cancerous organ, and then heal -- you don't put it back in now that you're better, to see what will happen.

If I refer to harm, they will play dumb and make me explain why I hurt, and they will tell me why I shouldn't feel that way.

If one of them came to me saying, "How could I have been so cruel? How could I have been so cowardly and so stupid?" then I dialogue could begin on the right foot. But we can't come at each other like equals.

But this way, there is just a continual round of denial on their side, and pain on mine.

I'm more tempted to leave a message on her home phone (she left her office number) saying, "Oh yes do let's get together," and suggesting no date.

In her heart of hearts, she and others know the truth, but they are trying desperately to blame me. Classic case of projection. And my life is just too crammed and problematic right now to play the denial game.

The other dear friend -- the one who sang at my wedding, and then sang at the phony one -- is still pursuing me. She even picked a fight with my daughter about how it was "right" for her to sing at this event. She is still making up excuses, and sending them through mutual friends.

But no one will confront me head on. They know the score.

Another part of me says to not reply -- but that is kind of cruel, and I don't want to be cruel to her. Not anymore. Some part of me would like to slash and burn -- but at this point, I just want peace.

I just don't see anyone with a learning curve in all this, so trying to educate them is futile.

AMM:

Our former contractor emailed me a while back asking if he could bring a camera crew 2 our house 2 video the work that he did.

Since he had some decent workers, but more TERRIBLE workers, and he himself was an arrogant a-hole that we had 2 fire 2 years ago, I chose not 2 respond 2 the email at all. I haven't heard a peep since, and I sleep better for it. I don't worry one bit about how he feels about it, and I don't feel vindictive either. I just don't need 2 perpe2ate our "relationship".

-ol' 2long

AMM'

[color:"blue"] I have "moved on" -- but part of that process was moving on WITHOUT them. As one of my stepsons said, when you remove a cancerous organ, and then heal -- you don't put it back in now that you're better, to see what will happen.[/color]

[color:"purple"]I would tell this friend in a very polite way that "I have "moved on" without you. I feel betrayed by your actions and cannot go through that again, maybe after I have healed we can discuss this, but right now I just can't bring myself to re-live the pain you have caused me."

Your Stepson is right BTW. Good Luck and prayers for you. [/color]

"Dear Janet,

Perhaps you did not know that when my husband and his mistress staged their enormous so-called 'wedding' two years ago, he was still legally married to me and I did not want a divorce.

I hope you can try to understand how utterly devastating this 'wedding' was to me, second only to the fact that any friend of mine would even consider attending it.

The pain and humiliation of that event continues to this day. I have no wish to prolong that pain by spending time with anyone who could attend and show support for the 'wedding' of a married man to his mistress.

Thank you for allowing me the space to move on and heal."
*****************************************
BTW, I love what your stepson said about removing a cancerous organ and not putting it back!

Mulan

Ms Martin,

""Another part of me says to not reply -- but that is kind of cruel""

I disagree. Your silence will get the point across to her. There will be no discussion as to who was cruel and who should be moving on.

She knows, down deep in her heart, she did you wrong. Let her live with it, unless you want to forgive her and say everything is OK.

Your silence will say much more.

IMHO

krk

My thoughts exactly, krusht.

AMM is not obligated to return the call at all, IMO.

AMM, I imagine the old "friend" knows she was wrong, and feels the need to assuage her guilt. That is her issue to deal with, and you shouldn't feel pressured to be part of her process.

Like 2Long said, no need to perpetuate the "relationship" if you have no intention of it being a friendship again. Just because you forgive someone, it doesn't mean you have to associate with them again. I'd hit the "delete" button without another thought.

Lori

Silence speaks louder than words AM. Any dialog you have with her at all, given the enormity of the hurt they supported, will hurt you.

Any reply given to her meant to hurt her, shame her, or make her feel guility will hurt you. To "attack" another is to attack oneself. And I have learned through my own experience that even remarks I have made which seemed deserved but which were meant to cut, cut me in the end.

Such is the way with kind souls AM, of whom you are one.(Does the word "whom" fit in that sentence?)

Those people seem so shallow and two-faced to me reading about them all this time. What a bunch of social climbing, nasty, concerned with their own position and place at all costs, losers.

Can't wait until you get away rom them all, once and for all.

Sorry AM, your sitch always brings out the worst in me.

agree with Weaver



I vote no response to the primary "let's get together" invitation

for any further offers of a "get together"
here's my vote

"No thanks."

without explaination

if they ask "Why?"

you answer "I choose not to."

this is the essence of "letting it go" ... means letting go of any need to explain yourself to the fatally insensitive thorn in your side

love

Pep

Do you want to be friends with someone who was so unprincipled they could sit at the wedding table of an affair marriage in direct betrayal of her close friend? She is not your friend, AMM. I would hold no grudges about her attendance, but I would not want to be associated with someone who was so unprincipled that they could do that. People like that are a dime a dozen and not someone I would be interested in having for a friend.

If it were me, I would probably say something to her about her shabby behavior and explain how inappropriate and hurtful it was. Maybe she will learn to be a better friend, and a more decent person, from this experience if she loses a friend over her disloyal behavior. That would be the KIND thing to do, IMO.

WOW! I wasn't around for your sitch, so don't know your story .... but having a wedding while he's still married to you ....

That's just plain sick.

Wouldn't that be considered bigamy? I think I would have filed charges ....

I'm in the "no response" camp .... it might feel good to have a witty, scathing response to dump her with, but it probably wouldn't be at all effective. She'd just think you were bitter.

Stone Cold silence is you best option.

You don't need to open yourself up to any more pain.

Stay Strong!

AmI, there was no marriage license involved, so it wasn't bigamy. The whole thing was just a huge fake wedding to "celebrate their union" or some sh*t like that - no different from street theater.

There has been some discussion here lately on how desperate the affairees often are to legitimize and normalize their affair. They try to drag the kids into it, they introduce the OP to family and friends, and worst of all they insist on being "friends" with the BS to show that no real harm was done and nobody should feel guilty.

But I gotta tell ya - having a FAKE WEDDING where you invite 300 people to watch A MARRIED MAN PRETEND TO MARRY HIS MISTRESS has got to take the cake for desperately trying to "normalize" a homewrecking affair!
Mulan

Oh, no, Mulan!

"Real" marriage vows were exchanged -- I'm not sure whether she was yet divorced from the man she had paid bucks in a vows-for-green-card arrangement. I know she had sent her lesbian lover away when then-WH moved into her place.

The vote seems to be for silence, though I do like Mrs. Robs' note for dignity -- and the others, too. But you're right, AmIok, I would be dismissed as "bitter" and "isn't it too bad that AM..." All the discussion revolves around AM's reaction, rather than the behavior that inspired the reaction. I become the problem -- just like with the affairees, who need the BS as a common enemy.

It's also much like an alcholic, wondering why his friends are being mean and withholding his own car keys -- without seeing that he is staggering and cursing and vomiting.

I don't like silence, but I don't see any other reaction that would work so far. The longer I wait, the more silence is the default option. (Also, Fred and Janet's daughters are school chums of my own daughter... I don't want to make things any awkward for D than it has been.)

Another consideration I've had with some of these people ... I don't even want to share the tiniest part of my emotional life with these people. I don't want them to know my pain, my suffering, my thoughts or my feelings. I don't want to be exposed or vulnerable in any way to them. They have abused my trust.

In fact, one possible response I thought of was to call and leave a message that lunch isn't possible because "I simply don't trust you anymore."

It's kind of hard to argue with that, I think ... but you never know. I could be surprised.