Hey, Normals... how's everything going? Update?

Hi SD, things are going well. We are both taking this one day at a time and have been talking a lot. NGW has been honest with me and has told me many times now that she loves me and is comitted to "doing this right" and "making me proud of her as a wife". We've had counselling twice already and another session tomorrow. I thought it would take a miracle from her for us to remain married; well it looks like maybe she is up to it (I know I have to do my part too though). I see a lot of big changes in her and I feel like I have my wife back. We spent a lot of time together this week and a lot of it was just showing affection and talking. I honestly do feel like I can't wait until the kids are in bed tonight and we can be alone again. Wish I could un-do the past month though.

I have to fight the urge to withdraw at times and I think I'm still a little in shock/numb to what actually happened. That worries me a bit; am I getting over this or am I in denial? I'll talk to the counsellor abou that. Once in a while I'll feel really angry but I have been able to let it pass. I'll think to myself "how can I possibly accept that this happened!!!" But then I see all the success stories from people like yourself and I remember the effect that even that one day of separation had on our kids. Above all that, the thing that is "working" is the changes that I see in my wife, how she is handling this and how she is treating me.

We've started to talk about moving. The OM lives very close but he may not be living there any longer, so far we haven't seen him back (thank GOD). Last I talked to OMW, she said they would probably divorce but that was a week ago. Even their 4yr old son triggers unpleasant feelings in me.

I want a great marriage with my wife. I want us to raise our kids together and experience new things together. I think we both are headed in the right direction now and are willing to work towards it.

Great news!

The journey through the affair and into recovery is one of great trepidation from both parties. Both of you are approaching this from completely different perspectives. You will be able to empathize perhaps more with her perspective than she yours. A BS simply cannot communicate the pain one goes through to a former Wayward Spouse, and until one goes through it, they'll never understand.

She, on the other hand, will be facing some real personal issues, such as "how could I let myself do this", personal angst over breaking vows and betrayal of her husband, unfortunately, in many cases, a sense of loss with the OM, because, face it, they did meet some of her EN's, and also, a great deal of remorse, grief, and loss of self-esteem. You may experience a "honeymoon" period for a short while, then find yourself in a daily "grind" in dealing with all that's transpired. This is pretty normal.

It takes a very committed, yet erratic "tango" to make this march to recovery successful, and you will experience anger, shock, dismay, grief and sorrow, and more, and all these feelings will come in waves, some bigger than others. The key is to deal with every moment as it arrives, and approach it all with Harley's keys to a successful marriage. Radical Honesty, no Angry Outbursts, no Selfish Demands, no Disrespectful Judgements (big) no other Lovebusters. No disparaging remarks about the OM, either, as she might still feel compelled to "defend", which you'll find heartbreaking! It will take her some time to get over the "former" marriage, the one that she re-wrote history on, in order to enable her justification of the affair. As time goes on, she'll realize this, and references to the "doomed from the start marriage" will subside.

Keep on board with the Harley's and you will find success "more easily" than others. Know there will be set-backs, miscommunications, and still more pain. But when you have a plan, you are farther along than those flying by the seat of their pants.

It sounds like your FWW is coming around, and you will be able to see that "life" in her eyes that's been missing since she's been involved. That is a key factor in knowing your efforts have not gone for naught. She too, will have waves of emotions. You may even reach that "day" when she comes to dispise the OM, as much as you have... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Protect and honor each other, and keep working toward the common goal of repairing a marriage that for whatever reason left the tracks. Think positive, and believe!

Best wishes,
SD

Last night we had a long talk. It was hard but she let me know the "details" and answered any questions I had. I'm glad we did it because even though it hurt a lot to hear what happened, my imagination isn't running wild any more. My heart was pounding as I asked her but we made it through it and I don't think I'll have to bring that day up again.

I have to give her a LOT of credit for the things she has done and how she is handling herself now. I do see the "life" in her eyes SD, its like she is on a mission to fix this. It is really helping. Thank you so much NGW :-)

Last night's discussion was very tough, indeed! I knew I needed to let him know what happened. It was difficult telling my husband details of what I did with someone else. I also let him know that if he needs to hear me say it again, I understand and will truthfully answer any questions he has. My eyes have really been opened to what I've done and what has come of it. I want to turn things around. Dr. Harley says we're in a 'honeymoon' phase now. He said after a while, that phase will go away and we'll have to keep working on things---even when that tremendous feeling of bliss is gone. I'm going to stick with it!!! I thank NG for being so kind and helping me through this. I thank him for still being here and wanting to work things out with me. I thank NG for letting me help him heal. I thank NG for loving me.

Glad to see you are working the program, NGW. That will go a long way toward helping your husband heal.

You might check out the book "Torn Assunder", and see the chapter called "The Message of the Affair". It is important to figure out why it happened.

This could be the Thanksgiving that keeps on Giving, eh?

It is wonderful to hear that you are both on board with this mission to solve problems, follow a plan to and through recovery, and make amends for those thing you did both prior, and before the affair, that made the marriage vulnerable.

Normalguy, you are perhaps in the top 5-10% of the "fortunate" BS's whose (F)WW comes to realize how inappropriate, and painful their actions have been. Normalguy's (F)WW, this also puts you in the top 5-10% of spouses who have committed adultery, but came to realize that there were many, many reasons to get out of the affair and seek reconciliation with their BS.

You are both to be commended for your efforts! You are both to be "high fived" for counseling with the Harleys. You are putting your personal stars in alignment to be successful.

Normalguyswife...you could be a tremendous asset here on the boards, if and when you feel ready, to help others by chronologing your path towards recovery. There are several very remorseful FWW's on these boards, but for the new WW's who are showing up, your words can mean a lot more to them than words from a BS, which are often laced with hostility.

Giving back can also be helpful in keeping you reminded of Harley's principals, and can help you stay on your mission. Posting here helping others has helped me more than posting and asking for advice, simply because I keep regurgitating the MB principals.

The jist of both of your personalities seems to ring out that you two were very close soul mates at one time. I feel fairly confident within 2-3 years you will be closer than ever! Your story will give others hope.

Best wishes, and the very Happiest of Thanksgivings to you both!

SD

You need to change any phone #'s or other contact info that the OM has, not just not answer.

My FWH relapsed a short time into recovery #1 after she left a pleading note on his car, begging him to just call so she could hear his voice.

You may think you would not be vulnerable to that, but don't take chances. It will also help NG to feel safer.

Welcome.

We had some ups and downs over Thanksgiving. We stayed home and got a lot of sleep and relaxation rather than going to see relatives. The holiday and day after were very good days, the next two were still ok but I started struggling with a lot of bad feelings and basically tried not to make things worse. We had another conversation last night which was very helpful and W is still showing me in many ways that she is working towards recovery. Thankyou very very much for all the things you're doing NGW. I know this is a hard time for you too.

So far we haven't seen OM (though one night his truck was outside their house). Its only a matter of time before we run into him again. OMW says "he doesn't live there any more". I'm very concerned about what we're going to do if he moves back in. Its hard enough for both of us to see the house where it happened every day; if he comes back I think the situation will be intolerable for me.

We have some big problems to solve: should we move? where? how expensive of a house/yard? We also need a new car since NGWs seems determined to break down every other week...

I know exactly what you're going through except my xOM still lives with OMW right across from us so we do see him occasionally. It gets easier. At first, my H and I both hated going home. But, now, almost 6 months into it, we're doing much better. We would still like to move at some point, though. There's too many bad memories for us in our house.

What we're trying to do is to not rush into anything that we'll regret later. We almost did a couple of weeks after I confessed to my H. We found a house in a different town and H wanted to write an offer then and there (ours wasn't even on the market). I told him that we should think about it over the weekend. He's so glad now. We would have never been happy there (smaller yard, not the floor plan we'd like, etc).

Good luck. Things will get better. The living situation does stink but will get easier with time.

aandk24, the OM lived straight across from us too. My wife is a stay at home mom and he had certain weekdays off. At least for now he hasn't been back. That must have been really hard on you two. I can't imagine living with him across the street from my wife all day while I'm at work. So I feel like we need a plan if he shows up... Maybe in that case W could get a job and put our 4yr old daughter in day care. Dunno. I could see us really regretting it if we move quickly (either me regretting going deeper into debt or her not being happy with where we end up...)

Luckily things are ok with OMW. NGW has actually talked to OMW a lot after this happened and been very open and apologetic to her. When OMW started asking questions about NGW even lent her my copy of Surviving an Affair and Love must be Tough (after asking if it was ok with me). It surprised the heck out of mee that NGW had read it and that she ended up lending it to OMW.

Does your wife want to work and put your daughter in daycare?

Believer, I don't know, that was just something that popped into my head (just an idea, I would have to see what she thought about it). She is planning to start working next year when our daughter starts school though. Hopefully OM won't move back in :-)

I would discuss it with her, and see what she thinks. Although I don't think it is BAD to put a 4 year old into pre-school or day care. She might love it.

Normalguy, WOW! The similarities are amazing. At least I work full-time (I work with my H in a very small office (only one other person)). So, my H knows where I'm at all day. At first, you guys will feel kind of like you're in a prison. We still look out before we let our kids play outside to make sure he's not out there. Same with mowing the lawn, getting the mail, etc. I'm pretty lucky, I guess, because xOM seems to be very afraid of my H. So, he keeps pretty well to himself either inside or in their backyard. But, our kids used to play together (xOM has three all the same ages as our DD's). OMW has let their kids play with ours outside but OM doesn't. That's one of the hardest parts also. Explaining to our girls that they couldn't play at their house anymore was very tough. They understood (xOM's kids are pretty violent so we said that we didn't want them to because they were always getting hit, etc - our MC's idea). Another hard part is the neighborhood, which I'm sure you already know and feel. We're constantly wondering if anyone knows, if so who, what they know, etc. OMW is considered the neighborhood gossip but I can't imagine she'd say anything. But, you never know.

That's really great that NGW has lent her those books and talked to her. I apologized to OMW twice - once by email and once by phone. She listened to me and has since been outside more often than before I apologized. I'm actually the one who told her. I had read MB enough to know that it was time to confess and end the A for good. I told my H and waited 3 days before telling OMW (shows what a coward he is - it's like he thought it would all blow over).

Hang in there. It does get easier. My H still has a hard time sometimes but definitely not like when I first told him. He mentioned moving again this morning and said that he feels like the A is all around him in this house and outside. I definitely understand and am willing to move if he decides that's what's best. But, for now, we're staying and hoping OM and OMW will move (we know they can't afford their house and she refuses to work full-time so it's got to be only a matter of time).

Time does make things better and easier. Living across the street is hard. But, so far it's possible. Healing and recovery while across the street is my biggest worry. I worry that we won't fully recover until we move. What a mess I've made! I just can't believe that we might move from our "dream house" because of my stupid choices, can't go to neighborhood parties anymore in fear that they'll be there, etc. I can bet your wife feels the same way!

Good luck to you both!

Yeah wow our situations are very similar. Thanks for your thoughts, it helps to know that others in very similar situations are getting through this.

A bit of good news, NGW and I put our heads together and found a good solution to our car problems. Now we just fight over who gets to drive it (her of course! hehe) It felt good to be able to solve a big problem in a way that we're both happy with.

Counselling continues to help too. That reminds me, gotta schedule another appointment...

Good luck to you too aandk24.

Normal,

Haven't been around for a while. Glad to see things are finally out in the open on everything and NWG is working with you.

Good luck to you both. I think in time with a lot of hard work you guys can make it.

One thing I will say is I hope for the OM's sake his M can make it through this as well.

I know it would suck for you guys having him around but for his family it would be the best thing as well for them to try to recover.

Good job on NWG's part giving the books to OMW.

Golld luck!!!!

Well, we've had more good and not so good days as you might imagine. Thanks for the kind comments. We got the books that were suggested and counselling continues. I talked to MIL for the first time since this happened and it went pretty well, she was very sad about the whole thing and made me feel better about us being able to get along well in the future. They're coming out for a long visit soon. NGW got tested today so hopefully everything is ok there; it will be good to have that behind us.

Congratulations on the improvements in your situation FNM, good luck to you too.

I saw some posts today that really encouraged me and I wanted to post some good news too. NGW and I have had some really really good days during the past week. Every day it feels more like NGW is the person I married again. Heck its good to just be sleeping and eating normally again! I find myself looking forward to seeing her after work each day. She is being transparent, remorseful, caring, fully willing to go to each counselling session, etc.

Amazing how a plan works, when you work the plan!

Cudos to you and Normalguys Wife for the self realizations and the efforts.

May these be the most blessed of holidays for you!

Best wishes,
SD