I really need someone to talk to along with the prayers, you see, I'm the one that hurt my husband. I feel like I've had a near death experience and I am looking at things differently. My mother, sister and good friends say he "neglected" me for years ~ but that's no excuse to hurt him the way I did. This is the most pain I've felt in my life and the most pain I've caused the person I love the most {along with my kids}

We call it the "encounter" with the other guy because there was no sex of any type involved on my part....I spoke casually with him off and on.....and I regret every word I've spoken to him. I feel broken and I know my husband does too. He's depressed and is against medicine. How can I help him?
When he found out....I denied it 'cuz I didn't want to face it or risk losing him more than I already did. {This act is really OUT OF MY CHARACTER< MORALS ~ everything!!!}
Finally, I confessed and he's questioning everything ~ I've overwhelmed him ~ and I feel like someone has drug me behind a truck.
I dropped one of my friends my husband didn't like, not going to the gym that the "other guy" goes to. I'm checking in with my husband and any conversation I have with anyone...I have it in front of him. I'm helping out more financially with my little paycheck and cleaning the house, doing the laundry....making meals. I'm not going downtown to eat lunch in fear we'll see him. Oh....and I signed some papers saying that my husband gets 95% of what we acquired during our marriage.......he hasn't signed them....he said he's going to put it in the lawyers safe. I'm doing ALL this trying to ease this burden, trying to show him.........I want only him....I was STUPID.....I wish I could take it back.
My good friend, Sherry, who is around 56 and was my personal trainer at the gym has bugged me for years to get on medicine for depression. This past May my endocrinolgist wanted me to as well. {I look back over my life of all the years I've complained of being tired...and I've always done alot and had alot on my plate...but have felt I've forced myself to do "life". [color:"red"] [/color] We've been together for 15 1/2 years, married for 12 years. I brought two children into our marriage...daughter 17 years, son 19 years.
One issue that has caused a "problem" for me is 5 years agois when I found out he and my sister slept together twice...before we got married. He had broke up with me for a few months, called me and told me how much he loved me....and then the phone went dead. I ask my sister to check on him, as I didn't want to pawn my two small kids off on her to watch them while I checked on him. That's when it happened ....and then they confessed to another time after that. .
My husband is a hardworker ~ maybe workaholic, gets done working around 5:30 or 6:30...hangs out in the bar til 8:30 to 10:30....then would wake me up in the middle of the night for sex....and I would usually wake up around 4:15am to go to the gym then work at 8am til 4:30 {{and no..the other guy goes to the gym in the pm}} I have a seasonal parttime job...two dogs and two horses.
There's so much more......
But I've had an awakening........and I pray my husband and I spend the rest of our lives together
I'm getting my life right with God too....trusting that he'll help us.
ANY SUGGESTIONS ARE GREATLY APPRECIATED

Just send me some prayers...I guess....I don't want to smother him. He's not used to that...but it seems ALL I want to do is be near him. HE'S been very affectionate to me ~ I'm thankful and grateful for every minute with him.
He asks "How do I know that this will not happen again?"
I said, "I lost myself and we neglected our marriage...I have a second chance with you...I never want US to feel this pain again"
My actions will prove it...right??

Sounds like you two need some coaching from the Harley's. It also seems like you never have put each others needs in a place of importance.
What was the context of your phone calls... and how long did this go on for? Your H slept with your sister while you guys were split up? You had two small kids and didn't go there yourself? Are they your H's children(are these kids in additon to the older ones you mentioned)? Have you confronted your sister about this? Do they have any contact with one another?
And lastly... what do you mean there was no sex on your part? Does that mean there was sex on his part? If so... you had sex. Please explain exactly what happened so that we can help you.

Phone calls= someone to talk to...my teens were going thru some rough times, and my H is unapproachable at times, I have horses the OM was going to buy one for his mom. Now looking back...I just wanted someone to "care" about what was going on with me...my kids...anything
We would talk just a few minutes maybe twice a MONTH for one month...a few times the next...maybe NO calls one month. May til Sept.
Then it became flirtatious...
Maybe I'm in a midlife crisis.
Yes, we were split up...but he had just gotten off the phone with me, telling me how much he loved me and wants me back.
No I didn't go there..because I was living with my mom and she is a pro at catholic guilt and says
"Don't chase men, don't leave your kids with other people. Yes I confronted my sister.....5 years ago..it happened a little over 12 years ago.
{there were times when my sister, her boyfriend, my husband and mother were together and I was the only one that didn't know}
They see each at family functions.

Ummm...this is a little embarrassing....He masturbated and I stood up against a wall with my clothes on {shirt up to a certain degree}
I think he "got off" on the fact that I was even there.
It was degradeing!!! And I am ashamed. He didn't even kiss me?
But he told everyone I did MORE than what I did....
Of course, he's gonna' say that.
I have NO FEARS of any diseases because there was barely any contact.

I don't believe the two of you can have a good relationship until HE joins you in improvement. If I treated my W the way he treats you, I doubt she would still be with me.

Will he go to counseling with you, or can you call the Harleys (this web site) for counseling?

Have you read the basic concepts here, and do you have a good idea of what is needed for a strong, healthy marriage?

Just you making changes won't last long. It will take both of you working together.

What do you think?

SS

He said NO to counsel..."It's what's in your heart." he said.

And I'm thinking, "Yeah, how many hours are you at the bar, with friends...etc...and not with me"

He actually had a "break thru" and said, "I guess the hours to add up at the bar"

He went deer hunting two days ago and is going to the bar with a friend. I will walk the dogs after work and go see my horses...alone....again.

I'm tempted to purchase something to get us started. What do you suggest??

He is trying ~ I feel like we became friends and were living two seperate lives.

One of my good friends notice the way he talked to me {rude} and he has embarrassed me in front of a worker.

I'm trying to heal our marriage, I haven't been to the gym, ridden a horse, or walked a dog in 3 weeks!!!

okay... you had sex...I will say more later.... this was way more than an EA... you had sex with this man.

This was a sexual act and will be very painful for your husband.

My ex didn't have intercourse, but let another man perform oral sex on her and then she finished him off manually.

I'm glad she didn't have sex, but I don't know if it would have hurt any less. It still hurt like ******. A kiss would have hurt. A kiss did hurt. It killed me inside to think of this man kissing my wife, touching her, having her touch him back.

You were in a sexual situation with another man. He "got off" with you. That is a major violation. Don't minimize the act because you "didn't even touch".

The situation itself sounds a bit crazy. It would be hard to believe that more didn't happen.

You're going to be in the dog house for a while. It doesn't matter what he did as a husband, it doesn't justify you being unfaithful.

Yes, he needs to wake up that he made you vulnerable to an affair.

Men become complacent in marriages. Women do to, but I really feel that men have a problem with seeing what they want to see and not necessarily what is reality. That was my problem. That's why 3 out of 4 times it's the woman that initiates divorce.

The fact that you are remorseful speaks volumes. I've never been through recovery and can't advise you on it, but I strongly suggest being an open book and understand that. You have to earn that trust back and you will have to be completely open for him to regain that.

I recommend you read all you can on the main part of this web site.

I also recommend the books
"His needs, her needs."
and
"Love busters, habits that destroy romantic love."

This will give you background. If you leave HNHN around, perhaps your H will read it too.

You realize there is a problem, and want to work on it. That is a good start. I still worry that he needs to join you or it won't work. Read, read, read, then talk to us some more, and ask questions as they come to you.

SS

I'm not trying to "downplay" anything ~ My behavior was COMPLETELY out of line and the situation sounds UNREAL...
But what I stated is true....

I was just talking to a friend today....she was one I confided in ...with some problems I've had with my husband. Some ways he talked to me when we were in bed, staying at bars, eating dinner LATE (between 8:30 and 9:30} if at all together...when HE was hungry. He DID NOT suport me at all when I did my first bodybuilding competition at 38 years old. I had shoulder surgery, he left the house within an hour of me coming home. HE HAS ADMITTED TO NEGLECTING OUR MARRIAGE AND TAKING ME FOR GRANTED
When I state these things I am in NO WAY approving or justifying anything I did.
I GUESS I NEVER FELT LIKE ENOUGH FOR HIM< DESIRED BY HIM JUST CONVENIENT BECAUSE I WAS HIS WIFE> HE'S very good at pointing out my character flaws, not physical ones. BUT taking suggestions or constructive critism from me is taking personally. How come I'm supposed to have a tough exterior and interior?
My daughter and son said He's never supported me. They don't want to see us apart, but they realize some issues.
WE pretty much felt he was off doing his own thing most of the time and we would see him a little on weekends, a football game or recital.
At one point a couple years ago he actually said, "How did you stay married to me for so long, I was such an ******."

I agree 100% I'm not trying to downplay anything ~ I'm just stating the facts. I know it seems unreal, that it could happen like that.
I little history of my life:
Was molested by my father from at leat 7 to 12 years old.
Told my mom finally around 18 or 19 years. Had two kids by the time I was 22...with a physcially abusive guy. Left him when I was pregnant with my daughter. Didn't date for 3 years...
Met my husband and have been with him ever since {well except for about 6 months}. We rarely fought....I always let him come and come as he please for fear I would lose him or push him away.
Guess ~ I didn't feel worthy....I don't know.??
It's hard to bring myself "back to the mindset" of how I felt that day.

I'm going to bump this topic, because I'm really wanting our marriage to be better than it was before. My husband keeps bringing up stuff....like "You and I were together over the weekend ..and then you called him maybe two days later". What I wasn't enough?"

How do we get over the "looking back"???

The other day in the MIDDLE of sex...he asked me a question about "the encounter"......{this is not the first time he's asked during!}

I STOPPED ~ it gave me a visual that I REALLY DIDN'T WANT AND TOTALLY TOOK AWAY FROM WHAT WE WERE DOING.
He said, "You seem UNSURE about your answer"
IWANTED TO SCREAM ...."NO I AM SURE ABOUT MY ANSWER...YOUR TIMING IS ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE...!!!!

I'm going to counseling Tuesday......
He said, "You don't have to go, I don't think you need to go"
But I need to go......

I'm sorry....

HE WON'T STOP TELLING EVERYONE ABOUT IT.......

IT MAKES ME FEEL UNWORTHY.....

I'VE NOT YELLED...I'VE TAKEN EVERYTHING HE'S DISHED OUT....

IT'S ONLY BEEN TWO WEEKS TODAY

I'VE HAD A LONGER TIME TO FOCUS ON WHAT I WANT BECAUSE IT WAS ONE MEETING IN AUGUST AND NEVER MET WITH THE OTHER GUY AGAIN.

You are downplaying your H's reaction to things. He has a right to be furious with you... and perhaps his timing was terrible for YOU... but imagine that is most likely when it came into his mind. This is not about YOU right now... it is about him.
Have you read the stuff on this site?
Have you called the Harley's?
What are you doing to make your H feel secure, safe and loved?
Have you filled out the EN questionaire?
Have you gotten the books recommended on this thread?
Have you sought out counseling for yourself?
What do you want him to do?

BELIEVE ME I KNOW IT'S NOT ABOUT ME....
IT HAS NOT BEEN ABOUT ME.......
THERE'S ALOT I HAVE BEEN READING ON DR. HARLEY'S HOME PAGE
BEFORE I EVEN FOUND THIS SITE I BOUGHT AND DOWNLOADED A BOOK TO HELP US
I'VE CALLED AN APOLOGIZED TO ALMOST EVERYONE OF HIS FRIENDS, AND "ASSOCIATES"FOR THIS
NO I HAVE NOT CALLED DR. HARLEY
I HAVE LISTENED TO MY HUSBAND'S EVERY CONCERN, I QUIT THE GYM THAT THE "GUY" GOES TO
I LEFT A FRIEND HE DIDN'T LIKE
I HAVE ALL MY CONVERSATIONS ON OUR HOME PHONE OR CELL PHONE IN FRONT OF HIM
I'M ON MEDICINE FOR DEPRESSION...AND HAVE BEEN OFF AND ON AND FINALLY TOLD HIM ABOUT IT....HE THINKS IT'S WEAK BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HE SAW HIS MOTHER DO HIS WHOLE LIFE.
I'M CLEANING THE HOUSE, PREPARING MEALS, DOING HIS LAUNDRY, RUNNING HIS BUSINESS ERRANDS...WE ARE MEETING FOR LUNCH WHEN HE WORKS INTOWN....
YES, I FILLED IT OUT FOR MYSELF....
NO BOOKS YET.
I HAVE MY FIRST APPOINTMENT TOMORROW AT 4PM
WHAT DO I WANT HIM TO DO?
QUIT LISTENING TO EVERYONE ELSE........QUIT LOOKING AT THE PAST.....WORK WITH ME......
HE HAD SOME PAPERS DRAWN UP.......AND SCREAMED AT ME TO SIGN THEM....WHICH I DID WITHOUT READING THEM
WE HAVE A HOUSE ON 1 ACRE, ANOTHER HOUSE ON TWO ACRES, 3 ACRES OF COMMECIAL PROPERTY, A RENTAL/BUSINESS LOCATION, AND TWO RENTAL IN TOWN. A HARLEY, TWO HORSES, A 2005 TRUCK, VAN, AND MY VEHICLE...OH AND HIS BUSINESS
IF HE DOES FINALLY WANT A DIVORCE.....HE GETS EVERYTHING....EXCEPT OUR HOUSE, MY VEHICLE AND THE HORSES. HE GETS EVERYTHING ELSE....SOME HOW HE THINKS THAT'S HALF????
BELIEVE ME THIS LAWYER COVERED EVERYTHING!!!!

TODAY WHEN WE MET FOR LUNCH: HE MENTIONED A COUPLE WHO'S HUSBAND WORKS SO, SO MUCH AND QUOTEING MY HUSBAND HE SAID, "BOY YOU GOTTA' HAVE AN AWESOME FAMILY" TO SUPPORT YOU DOING THAT.
YA' KNOW WE ARE NOT THAT FAMILY....AND YOU SPEND ALOT OF TIME IN THE BARS!!!!! THAT OTHER FAMILY DOESN'T DEAL WITH THAT.....YOU CAN'T COMPARE THE TWO....

HOW ABOUT HOW I'VE SUPPORTED HIM AND HIS BUSINESS, THE HUNTING HE HAS DONE, SNOWMOBILE TRIP WITH OUT ME, ME STAYING HOME TO KEEP AN EYE ON OUR TEENAGERS SO HE CAN GO.....
WE HAVEN'T BEEN ANYWHERE TOGETHER FOR AT LEAST TWO YEARS...
BUT ASK ME HOW MANY TRIPS HE HAS GONE ON.....
HE'S OBSSESSED WITH MAKING MONEY......AND I'VE KEPT MY CRUMMY JOB TO BE CLOSE TO MY KIDS SCHOOLS AND IN TOWN SO I CAN BE THERE FOR EVERYONE......
SO BELIEVE ME....I'M PAINFULLY AWARE THAT IT'S NOT ABOUT ME NOR HAS IT BEEN ABOUT ME
RE-READ ABOUT MY SURGERY DAY........

Iamforgiven,

You're mad. This site acknowledges that a BS did things in a marriage that led the WS down the path towards infidelity. We understand that he did things that made you vulnerable to stray.

You are going to have many awkward moments in your recovery. Crazy things like him asking you things at the wrong time. Expect this. Don't let it surprise you.

He is going to be angry with you for a while. Let him work through it. Once he is through that anger he might be more open to communicating.

Will he post here? There's a lot of us here that would be glad to help him.

If you start throwing things at him about how great you were in the marriage it will sound hollow to him for now. All he can picture right now is you with this other man. That's going to take some time to get through.

Patience on your part is a must if this is going to go anywhere.

If all that happened is what you claim, then he is lucky and doesn't know it. To have a WS that comes on here and wants to help the BS is very rare. I commend you for that.

Be aware, though, that this site is full of tough love. People here will challenge you with questions and challenge your thoughts. Don't take it personal. We're not seeing you in person to make a full judgement. Be patient. There's a lot of wisdom here.

I think all day of how I can be an open book....seems as though I've always handled alot myself and didn't want to burden him with anything. He liked it that way....
He told me one time to "QUIT acting like a guy"?????

I'm going to bump this topic, because I'm really wanting our marriage to be better than it was before.

The first step is to learn all you can. There is no quick fix, no magic pill to make this better.

If you read the suggested materials, and get a good grounding in MB methods, it will be easier to help.

You have made a good start - no contact with OM. Staying close to home to show your H you won't stray. Not getting angry with him when he is angry, and yelling at you.

It will take time. If you will be patient (and I know that's difficult when he isn't helping much) there is a good chance you can make this work in the long term. IN the short term, it will be very difficult.

My husband keeps bringing up stuff....like "You and I were together over the weekend ..and then you called him maybe two days later". What I wasn't enough?"

He is bringing this up because he doesn't understand about emotional needs, or EA's, or the basic concepts taught here. He is angry you became emotionally invested in another person, and he is angry about the sexual episode. If you can learn, and change, he may be able to also.

How do we get over the "looking back"???

It takes time, and patience. It may take two years - sometimes a little longer. Realize that both of you have years of investment in the way you are now, and that change takes time. My W and I have a great marriage now. This next january will make 5 years since I first started reading on MB. At the two year mark, I wondered if it would ever work but by the three year mark, I knew it would be OK.

We made progress, but it took time.

The other day in the MIDDLE of sex...he asked me a question about "the encounter"......{this is not the first time he's asked during!}

I STOPPED ~ it gave me a visual that I REALLY DIDN'T WANT AND TOTALLY TOOK AWAY FROM WHAT WE WERE DOING.
He said, "You seem UNSURE about your answer"
IWANTED TO SCREAM ...."NO I AM SURE ABOUT MY ANSWER...YOUR TIMING IS ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE...!!!!

It was probably as hard on him as it was on you. (as has been mentioned) It's probably good to talk to him about it now - and tell him what you told us. I suggest you don't use all caps when you talk to him. (grin)

What I mean is - you are calm now. You can approach it from a position of peace and let him know your feelings, and also ask him what he was feeling. I think it would be really good for you to understand him too. If he gets angry, you stay calm.

"H, you probably have a right to get angry, but I want us to be able to talk about our feelings and get through this so we can be in love again. Anger is natrual, but it doesn't help me be close to you. Please share your feelings with me. How did you feel when those images came into your mind?

This is a very short EXAMPLE, not intended for you to actually use. Think about it, and come up with what you think will work, then have the conversation with him. Don't let it go too long.

DO NOT try to talk right after he gets home - if you have read "Men are from Mars, Women from Venus," will know why I say that.

I'm going to counseling Tuesday......
He said, "You don't have to go, I don't think you need to go"
But I need to go......


Yes, you do need to go. He does too. I can see why you have problems with him. I know you are sorry, but I bet you have mixed feelings about wanting to stay with him.

It bothers me that he tries to talk you out of counseling. That is a controling behavior and I wonder if he wants to keep you as you are so he can continue to brow beat you.

His having sex with your sister, staying out late, and feeling he has the right to do anything he wants existed before your A, and unless he is willing to change and meet your needs, I don't see your marriage getting better.

Learn all you can - that has to come first.

Talk to him about your feelings when he brought up the "incident" the other day. Try to understand his feelings too, then come talk to us again.

How are you doing today?

SS

the other thing i did to make my husband feel better is i took the $2,900 i had saved for horse fencing which we needed and paid off two of his credit cards

i have NO money in savings as ALL my money goes for household needs two teenagers, two dogs and two horses

i didn't pay my credit card off....but showed him...i'd give up ALL of what i had to help him

IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE I CAN DO????

Thank you for taking the time to write/respond...I truly appreciate it.

No I'm not mad ....just frustrated....upset with myself...feeling like i should be wearing "a scarlet letter A or at least a partial A.....{sorry...just trying to make some humor...of which I haven't had in a while...}
He probably wouldn't post here...but I would love it if he would.
Yes, things happened truly as I said
Thank you for acknowledging my sincereity.
NO ~ I have not brought up what a "great" spouse I've been...I've been making in concisious decisions to make positive changes to keep him happy when he comes home and let him know I appreciate him.
He actually told me he has told his friends for years in the bar......I was a LOUSY wife...
Hmm....I am thinking where are you? Drowning your sorrows among your so-called friends at a bar...when you should be with me.?
I'm happy he does acknowledge some of his "faults"
I have told him....he didn't deserve what I did.....
I never, ever want to be responsible for causing him so much pain....I've never hurt anyone like this before...
Seems like if I act too cheery...I'm acting like nothing is wrong
But if I fall into depression... he will reflect my feelings???
What is it that u wanted your spouse to do??