I meant for that comment to be pretty tongue in cheek. I know she is going through withdrawal right now, and I will be patient and keep doing all the plan A guidelines until she seems willing to work on the marriage again. She is pretty stubborn, and is likely to harbor some resentment for a LONG time after we start working on our marriage. Marriage Builders is a four letter word to her right now (because it successfully got her to end her affair), but hopefully she will use it as a tool to improve our marriage somewhere in the future. I have seen positive sign every day. She had insisted that she was going to talk with a lawyer (but she hasn't called in the past 3 days), open her own savings account in case she left me (but she hasn't done it), update her resume (which she hasn't done), and other things that would indicate her willingness to leave, but I haven't seen any signs of that the past few days. We have been laying on the couch together watching TV and movies the past few days, and hopefully she'll go with me to the concert in Kansas City next weekend (which she said she might go to now after it was a definite "no" just a few days ago). That would definitely be a great recreational activity for me to deposit maximum love units at. We also agreed to go to Thanksgiving together at her sister's house (which up until Wednesday she wasn't talking to). Keep praying for us.

- Jim

Still no contact since Wednesday. I talked to WW's sister, and her sister seemed to think that OM and WW had a falling out on Tuesday. Thinks that we will be together after all. We didn't do much this weekend, but we did lay on the couch together and watch some movies. I ran some errands for her on Sunday because she had to go into work. She seemed appreciative. She has been sleeping in the guest bedroom, and that continues, but this morning when I got up for work (I get up about an hour and a half before she does), she hopped into our bed. I think this might be a slow transition for her sleeping with me in the master bedroom again. All signs have been positive this weekend. I'll keep everyone updated.

- Jim

Still no contact since last Wednesday. However, yesterday wasn't as promising as the previous few days. She said that she was unhappy being with me. I told her that we didn't get to this situation overnight and it wouldn't get fixed overnight either. I told her I would be patient and wait for her. She said that she was making no promises. She has set up a consultation with a lawyer on Friday (she doesn't know I know, but she had told me she was going to talk to one to learn her rights). I guess this is typical for the first week into withdrawal. Are there any suggestions to help me get through these rough few weeks?

On a positive note, we are going to see a Horrorfest movie on Friday, and we have tickets to a concert in KC on Sat (we live in STL), and we are going to have dinner and stay with some college friends that live in KC. Hopefully it will be a good time. I believe the setback today was because WW was stressed from work today. We really need to get a week long vacation scheduled, but she's so busy with work (and in withdrawal) that I don't think she'll agree to one.

Just keep the comments and suggestions coming. I appreciate all of the help. I might just be getting over the hump (hopefully).

- Jim

I am flipping out. I need some reassurances. My wife had a rough day at work yesterday, and talked about how she wanted out. She made an appointment with a divorce lawyer Friday (she said she just wants to know her rights, she isn't prepared to put down a retainer). I just want to know the best way to keep her from contacting the OM again. I don't want her to have a bad day and then call him up again, and then the clock resets and starts over. I don't want to be stuck in limbo land forever.

- Jim

Jim you can't control her - that is the first step. You work on you, are you doing what you can to meet her needs?

Don't aske her but listen to her, what does she need?

Do you know how you could assist her, take her lunch? I don't always think its the stress of the spouse that cause the affair it could be her job and you... so if you feel out her questionaire what does she need?

Again, protect yourself... monitor, check up on her but you can't prevent her choices you can only apply boundaries and consequences

Good news and bad news.

Bad news - yesterday she came home from work at 7:30 and told me she is too busy with work and cleaning the house for Thanksgiving to go to the concert in KC. She told me to take someone else. That would have been a great opportunity to connect, but she is really stressed out with her job right now and needs to go into the office sometime this weekend to keep up.

Good news - when I went to sleep, WW was in the guest bed, but when I woke up briefly at around 1am, she was in the bed with me. Hopefully she is there to stay now. I'll take that as a positive sign.

Keep praying for us! We might just make it through this.

- Jim

Jim,

A quick little tip I like to give (you may have read it before)...go out and get some new shower gel, new cologne, new t-shirts and new boxer briefs, pajamas or whatever you wear to bed. Take a quick shower before bed just to smell fresh and clean (and scented with the new gel and cologne).

Smell is a powerful attractive force.

Many WS as they are rewritting history will also complain that they can't stand your body odor. What they once found intoxicating has suddenly become repugnant. Redefine it...but don't mention it at all. Let the new smell work for you as you attempt to attract her back.

I also assume you've lost weight...we ALL did on the infidelity diet. Get some new dud's and always attempt to look you best when in her presence, even if it's just hanging around watching the boring SEC football (Big 10 wannabe's)

Mr. Wondering

If you have NO idea what cologne to get I recommend - BULGARI.

Though it's not a bad idea as an little outing with your WW as you attempt to reconcile to take a trip to the fragrance counter TOGETHER and pick out cologne/perfume for each other. It's a unique little intimate excursion.

Mr. W

I always shower before bed because I work out after work. I've lost over 30lbs (I've also put on about 10-15lbs of muscle so I've lost about 40-45lbs of fat) and I am pretty pumped up right now. I was planning on getting new boxers soon anyway. I was never a big cologne person, but I've always liked Cool Water. I just bought her a new bottle of Pure Poison before I found out about the affair, so we won't be taking any trips to the perfume store anytime soon. We will be going to dinner and one of the Horrorfest movies on Friday, so although she won't be going to the concert with me, we will have one date night together. I am really encouraged by the fact that she slept with me in the same bed last night. I think that Thanksgiving with her sister and nephew might turn things around. I'm hoping that she is ready to commit to the relationship by Christmas. I actually proposed to her right before Christmas 5 years ago. I was thinking of doing something similar on the anniversary if it looks like things are headed in the right direction.

As for no contact, she has maintained this for one full week. I have erased all his info from her possession if she gets weak. I erased all his emails, blocked his email address, erased his number from her phone (she never had it written down, she just saved it in her phone the first time he called), threw away pieces of paper with his address and email, and removed all cell phone bills with his number on them. The only way she can get a hold of him is if she remembers his email address (which is possible, but she knows I'm watching), or finds the phone number of the company he works for. There is no way she remembers his phone number because it was on speed dial for her. He can call her, but I don't think he will unless she emails him. She hasn't noticed I've done these things yet, so hopefully it hasn't even crossed her mind. Keep us in your prayers!

- Jim

***UPDATE***

NC has been in place since 11/8. My WW has warmed up to me slightly but there are still foggy moments, and she is not committed to our marriage, she won’t attend counseling or go to this website, she won’t wear her ring, she will not show affection, and there is definitely no SF.

My wife and I hosted Thanksgiving for her sister and nephew (5). WW’s sister is my strongest ally, but WW and sister do not always get along. WW’s sister lives about 2.5 hours away, so she will stay the night. We finish cleaning in the morning and WW lays into me about the job I’m doing. I believe that she has OCD about cleanliness. Then WW tells me she doesn’t want me to go to wedding on high school friend. She want to catch up with HER friends without me around (I exposed to most of them). I say okay, but I regret it. Sister comes over at noon. I take nephew outside to the park so WW and sister can cook and talk. WW refuses to talk to sister about us. Dinner is good, it is WW’s first Thanksgiving dinner she cooked. We have some red wine, watch some TV, and go to bed.

Friday we wake up and go to downtown St. Charles (4 blocks away) to have coffee at the nice coffeehouse and watch the St. Charles holiday kickoff with skits by different Santas and other holiday characters (Jack Frost, Sugar Plum Fairy), and carolers. Nephew loves it and WW comments about how she loves living so close to downtown. We have lunch and sister and nephew leave. We are supposed to go to a friend’s wedding (mostly my friend) at 5pm. We get ready and before we leave, WW reads new bank statement that shows that I withdrew all our savings and put into my own account (which I have since put back). She slips back into the fog and tells me that all I care about is money and how that money is half hers, and I say that I didn’t want her to spend it visiting OM, and I was planning on using it to fix up the house to sell if I had to. WW says she is opening her own account and putting her half in. She says she is not going to the wedding. I am upset because I know it is a RA that we will enjoy together (with an open bar). She knows I already bought her Xmas present and demands to know what it is and that I take it back. She doesn’t want me to spend any money on her and wants to save in case we get divorced. I tell her it was a bike so we could ride on the Katy Trail together (trail runs 250mi across MO and passes within ¼ mi of our house). We continue to argue and I plead with her to go, but we miss the wedding. I tell her I am going with her to her high school friend’s wedding because that’s how married people act (and I don’t trust her getting drunk and making out with an old HS crush), and she says, fine, she won’t go. We calm down, and I eventually go to the reception without her, but I come back in time to watch “The Soup” together and then we go to sleep.

Saturday, I get up and jog in the morning. It is my mom’s b-day, so she knows I will be going over there. We discuss going out and having dinner and renting movies afterwards. We are watching a dog show together, and when I get up to leave, she asks me to stay and watch it with her until the show is over (45min). I agree. I go over to my parents’ house from 12pm to 6:30pm, and we go out and rent two movies. We sit on the couch together and watch them.

Sunday, I get up and go to church with her coworker who lives across the street. I invite her to come, but she doesn’t want to go. After I get back I pick up breakfast, and she asks if I will let her use her bike so we can ride together because it is such a nice day (70F). I agree. We go riding on the Katy trail for a little bit, but we turn back after a short while because her butt hurts (I knew this would happen). We stop back at the winery and get an appetizer and bottle of wine, and when we are done we go to the Chocolate shop across the street. We come back home and take care of some stuff around the house, and watch TV together. Brokeback Mountain is showing on HBO, so she wants to watch it. She likes it and asks me what I think, and I tell her. I said I thought it was disgusting how they painted the cowboys out to be victims, and that the real victims were the wives and the children. I said they should have made the choice to be with each other or completely cut it off, but that having a long term affair while they were married was completely immoral. She said she thought it was nice love story, and our difference in thinking is just another reason why our marriage will not work out. I get upset and she clarifies her statement to say that she thinks this website has brainwashed me. It tell her that isn’t the case, and that it has shown me the light. We then go to bed.

Things have improved and she has less fogged out moments, but she will not show me any affection, and she is only receptive sometimes to laying on the couch together and hugging. She will not kiss me and SF is definitely out of the question. She hates men and doesn’t trust them because of the way her father screwed her mother over in the divorce (they lived in a small town and no one would represent her against an IRS employee) and he never paid any child support. She hates her father and will not speak to him even though he is dying. She also thinks she needs to make a career so she does not depend on a man for money. She has also been completely stressed out at her publishing job and has been working 50+ hours a week including some weekends. I just wanted to here any suggestions or words of encouragement. I am a very affectionate person, and the lack of affection and SF is VERY draining. Just like me know what you think.

- Jim

cough, cough ***bump*** cough, cough

*lozenge*

LMAO......cough,cough***bump***cough,cough.

JM i dont have any deep insight to share with you, but i can say the only thing i know.....IT DOES GET BETTER, i promise...just hold to what you are doing and pray.

Hope you get help from some of the pros here. You are not as bad off as you think.

trust me.

Bumping for you.

[color:"red"] S T O P [/color]

don't do this
set yourself up this way

wait and see

Pep

O-tay

just read your *update*

YOU are doing great in many ways

you ARE making some headway in her lovebank ... and she is allowing you to make deposits ... despite her protests

more thoughts to come

Things had been going much better yesterday, but this morning I was snooping through my wife's purse and I found a PREPAID CALLING CARD! I immediately confronted my wife. She admitted that she called up her friend to get OM's number (I had erased it from her phone), bought the calling card, and called the OM from a pay phone (talk about your addicts going to extreme measures to get their fix). The call couldn't have lasted more than around 5 minutes (there were only about 10 minutes between the call from her friend and a call to me), and from the sound of it, the call didn't go very well. She told me that no one wants to be with her now. I told her how she agreed to NC, and that I wouldn't allow her to violate NC because it hurts me. I did not love bust, but I did cry a little. She was pissed at me for rooting through her purse, and called me Mao Tse-Tong (sp?). I think she did this because we were starting to reconnect again, and she unconciously was trying to sabotage it again. Please give me feed back as to what to do. I know her friend (but not that well) that gave her the number and I'm considering calling her and letting her know that giving WW OM's number is like giving a bottle of booze to an alcoholic. Please help me out! I thought I was past this! I can't take much more of this!

- Jim

Never get in a pissing match with an active wayward spouse or any other addict. You'd be surprised how big the bladder of an addict can get! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Try on some of Orchid's reverse babble - I'm not really good at it. I'd pop off with something like - you cheat - I spy. You cheat some more - I will always find out sooner or later.

I remember a battle of the wills with my son a few years ago when he was majorly defying me. This kid is a communications genius - comprehension and vocabulary - so understand why I used the phrase the way I did. "Son - you may have a strong will, but I'm your mother and I can and will always outlast you because it's my duty as your mother. So you can give up now, or bruise us both up. But you're not going to win on this issue - now or any other time."

Probably the best answer right now would be short and sweet - Sweetheart - you broke the NC agreement and I'm not going to get in a pissing match with you about how I found out. Deal with it!

BUMP!!!

Jm, its ok, you handled this just fine. It is not uncommon for this to happen in the last gasps of withdrawal. Apparently, the call did not go well given her response. She feels very lost right now, so do your best to be there for her. Fill the gap that has opened.

I mean, Chairman Mao. lol <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />