Any FWW out there this is a fear of every BS during Withdrawal and Recovery.....is it possible to still make it thru this.

Your perspective is welcomed.

J95 how are things now?

I'm a little stressed out right now, but I'm okay. I just want to know the right things to say and do to handle the situation. I mean, should I call of the friend that give her the number? She basically gave a recovering alcoholic a bottle of booze. How should I react around the wife tonight? I already confronted her in bed this morning. Should I talk to her, should I leave her alone? Should I insist on a no contact letter even if she refuses? Any suggestions are appreciated.

- Jim

bump

Plan A continues

bring your wife some tea & cookies when you have the opportunity

"Here. I know both of us feel stressed out. let's have a tea party and de-stress awhile"

no serious talk

for now, I'd say don't call the friend ... that can come later if necessary ... but stay FROSTY

reverse babble is easy ....
take whatever nonsense she throws at you
agree with her
then say it back to her backwards
(but sincerely, no hint of sarcasm)

WW..."How dare you snoop in my purse"

YOU ... "Snooping is very annoying. I know. Do you want to do it for me instead?"

JIM

this here



all of this is par for the course

stand steady

you are the lighthouse

don't YOU fall apart at this predictable fall your WW has made

this is routine ending the affair drama theatrics

and there is more to come

so stay FROSTY

Pep

Hey J95,
If it helps........my wife called OM SEVERAL TIMES in last grasp attempts and then RAGED against me.

All part of their script.

Being the light house like pep said.

You not playing her game and being steady in your purity of conviction "for better or worse",meeting her needs and still LOVING her (plan A in effect), WILL MESS UP A WS HEADSPACE.

Any FWS will tell you that.

They either get it and tell you now or run and tell you years from now.

Dont panic, Trust God, thats what i did.

So where you are now......been there ........done that.

Hold fast and tell me the same story a few weeks from now.

Still not out of the woods for me yet. But prayerfully getting there.

Nuff Luv.

P.S. YOU LUCKY to get her agreeing to an NC letter. Mine didnt. OM just simply used my WW then got married.THEN STILL TRIED TO STAY IN TOUCH.

Plan A all the way and set your boundary(ies). Dont be nasty about them.....just be loving yet firm.

Be her shepherd.

One day she will appreciate it...she just doesnt see it yet.

Thanks for the quick, helpful responses. I have just been hurting for so long, I am impatient for recovery. I was ready to move on and get a divorce (I don't have any children and am only 26) when she finally agreed to NC with the OM. I thought about it for a while and decided to give it another chance. I was hoping that 3 week mark (that Dr. Harley says when the worst of the withdrawal is over) would be the turning point in our recovery, but 2 weeks and 6 days after NC, she calls him again. Crap! The clock starts ticking down again.

- Jim

Jim

Closure contact is very common. It's not cool but it is often part of the WS process of getting through withdrawal. In this case, OM was cold and insensitive (as far as you can tell) which to me indicates that she didn't necessarily reset the withdrawal clock to zero. Sure a fix of OM is a fix of OM, but she didn't get the real good stuff and she confirmed to herself that it IS over.

I'm not excusing what she did (it was really hurtful and risky) but I managed the same situation in our recovery by just ignoring it and moving forward.

Mr. Wondering

See J95? it is not uncommon. Now DO NOT take this as profesional advice to go or stay........just pointing out that IT IS JUST THE SCRIPT they are reading from.

especially the FEMALE WS has this almost blinding desire to get "closure" with OM

a final "what did our *relationship* mean to you really?" ... in the WW heart-of-hearts ... they fear they were just a piece of azzzzzzzzzzzzz

they need to hear they were not just azzzzz
and when they hear from OM they "meant more than that" ... the affair embers burn a little brighter for a moment

it's predictable

Pep

Jim, my WW broke NC by calling OM at least 1/2 dozen times during her withdrawal period. This took place over a 7 month time period, between August and February. Every time something got tough between us, she'd call him for "comfort", whatever. I had not found MB until late December, so I wasn't well versed in the "plan", so I didn't handle everything very well. But ultimately, the contact did stop, and that's when withdrawal will run it's course.

Keep your Taker on a shelf for a while yet, as a WW can linger in the withdrawal period for longer than men seem to do. It could take from six weeks to six months, but she'll ultimately come around.

Stay COOL, no Lovebusters, patient (very hard, I know) and continue with all of your Plan A actions, be it self improvement, or deposits in her LB.

Don't look for any real "aha" moments... the changes you'll see in her will almost come after the fact, as they morph so slowly back to the W you knew.

Best wishes,
SD

oh yes and believe me the changes are soooo minute that you dont even see them.

But they are there.

I wont be surprised if WW STILL tries to contact OM still.

YUCK!!

but even the meeting of her ENs and filling her LB$$$, as far as she allows will soon trigger the "In Love "feelinf in her mind.

God is my strength in all this,(You ever wonder why he compared our lack of love for him to adultry? Go figure)

Love like God love you, Be STILL.

stand tall. Stand proud.Shut up.

just love her. ignore what can be ignore and love.

You already made us proud.

love this advice

Pep

Thank you all for the advice and words of encouragement. I'll keep steady and brush off this setback. Tomorrow I'll let you know how tonight went.

- Jim

Well, things were pretty normal when she got home. We talked about her day at work, my day at work, watched some TV and made fun of some stupid stuff on reality shows. It's funny that every day this past week we've been watching TV, somebody is cheating on someone else, and it shows how much it hurts the BS. Maybe that will start to sink into her. I briefly talked to her about the phone call (like 1-2 minutes) in a very calm way just to reinforce my boundaries. She didn't respond much only saying that I didn't respect her boundaries (ie snooping on her), but I just ignored it. I didn't sit with her on the couch or kiss her goodnight. I am going to let her crave for my affection and initiate it (pull a little bit of a 180). My snooping detected that she did not do anything yesterday (and I would have found out if she got another calling card because she pays for everything with her debit card, and I can track all her transactions online, plus she saves all her receipts). I'll continue to snoop more closely because if she contacts him again, it will be even more underground. I'm tired of the snooping, but I know it is a necessary evil to ensure the the conditions of recovery are met. I'm actually doing quite well, and I feel that this is just a minor setback. Thanks for helping me get through yesterday. It really sucked.

- Jim

I've got a sneaking suspicion that my WW is up to something. She broke NC with OM 3 weeks ago by buying a calling card, calling up her friend for OM's number, and calling him from a payphone. I found the calling card in her purse and destroyed it. I also found that she bought it at the gas station using her debit card. I know that if she got another calling card, it would never make it home, so I have been monitoring her checking account for suspicious debit card purchases.

Fast forward to the present. I want to tell you that I am ultra sensitive to anything that might lead me to believe that she is up to something. Last night, my WW bought the new Incubus album. She asked me if she could take my car into work (which has a CD player), and I would drive hers to work so she could listen to the CD. Upon getting in the car, I noticed that she had almost a full tank of gas. I have been monitoring her purchases online, and I have not seen a gas purchase in 2 weeks. She also doesn't carry cash, and I haven't seen any cash withdrawal in a while as well. I know that she bought her last calling card at a gas station. I am surmising that she bought gas and a calling card on Monday night when she came home late from work (she works late a lot), and charged it to her Discover card which she only uses for online purchases, and I haven't been monitoring because I need the number on the back strip of the card to set up an online account. She seemed particularly agitated about me calling her on Monday to see when she would be home. That would make sense now, because she was up to no good. I don't think she could have talked to him on Tuesday or Wednesday because she came back early, but I'm curious about Monday. If she has talked to him it couldn't have been more than 10 minutes, but it is the sneakiness that I am concerned about.

I am going to do some more investigation into this matter (including monitoring her Discover account). If nothing comes up do I tell her about my suspicions and ask her how she payed for her gas? I don't want her to think that she can get anything past me. We have been slowly making recovery, but it is mostly me leading the way and her not working on the marriage.

P.S. Am I 007 or what?

Yes, you are a regular 007! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> But the answer is NOOOOOOO. Don't tell her about any suspicions you have. Only confront with EVIDENCE. If you present suspicions, she will only go deeper and make it harder for you to get the evidence. And if your suspicions are WRONG, you will just tick her off for no reason.

I will find out how she paid for her gas (which card), and if it is much more than $20, I'll know a calling card was included in the purchase. What do I do then? I will know she purchased another one. I won't tell her how I know, but how should I keep her from continuing to think she is getting away with calling OM?

If you do talk to her about any of this use the I version.

I feel....

I think...

You know this Jim, I'm just reminding you.

M2L