Jim, you can come here for primal screams, whatever, just keep your cool, although your W's behaviour isn't necessarily.

These days ahead are critical. LoveBuster's will push her back towards OM, the last thing you want. In a quite, subtle way, you need to convince her she is safe in your presence. She cannot fear you right now, she must be drawn to you. This is a bit of a whipping post position for a BS to be in. The payoff for you is when NC becomes final, and she starts the W process. It is equally tedious, and you will feel you are living in the twilight zone. It's absolutely surreal. Life will become an indiscriminate blur during this time.

Stay firmly in your plan, be vigilant about further contact, and stiffen your resolve!

SD

Oh He)) no Jim,

You have come too far to stop now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />


You know how many posts I have invested in you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

SD is right (lets just change your name SD to SDIR) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />, This was the hardest part for me. The waiting, watching for a sign that my wife would show up. You will know it when she does.

I think your wife just crossed a major point with the OM. Let her have a little more time to come out of the fog. You even said that she is 70% w and 30% ww.

Take it easy this weekend and watch some football.

You guys just got to understand that I'm just venting. I'm strong. I just have my low points, and they occur for about a day or two after I find out about exposure. WW and I hung out tonight and had a good talk before bed. She could tell I was down and made a point to tell me that call was the last one, she swore. The other times she reluctantly agreed to NC, but this time she's okay with it. I guess we'll see.

I know your venting Jim,

Just trying to give you a little humor!!

I think your doing pretty good for 26. We have a guy at work who is 24 and all he talks about is drinking, video games and stupid things. No LT GF, they all break up with him. So I say that I think your doing a good job.

I have got everything else that I need. I've got a great paying job with a good future career path, a nice house in an area that we both love with restaurants, bars, and shops just three blocks away, two cars paid off, so all I need now is a good marriage. If that happens, I'll be set (at 26)!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

We just want you to know we're here for you to vent, or brag, or whatever. This is sort of a critical time here, where a BS desperately wants to believe the WS. We are clinging with hope the A is over. Your W sounds sincere.

Just be careful! Remain vigilant regarding contact. Any additional contact at this time is horribly painful to a BS, who is hungry for progress.

Remember to keep the new Plan A you in the spotlight, and keep your calm. Safety in landing is what your WW is looking for. A safe, calm place to come home!

You're doing great, Jim. Here's hoping you see the rewards!

SD

Hi Jim,

Since I have finnally "come out of the closet" I just thought I would let you know, that I have been reading your story too.

I think you are doing everything right.

How are thing going for you

You fight a great fight keep up the good work.

Jim,
Keep at it. Your accomplishments help me to see that there is hope of progress even if slow and painful. Your story and advice in my own thread are helping me to head down that road too.

I am 90% sure that I am going to save my M, but I am 0% sure how long it is going to take.

WW continues to get less and less foggy. We did have somewhat of a blowout Monday night (she had a suspicious purchase at a gas station so I asked, but she said she got some cigarettes, a lighter, a soda, and a snack because she stayed at work late, and I remember seeing the cigarettes). Well, I got overemotional and LBed a bit. Stuff like, "Why do you get to be the one to decide if we stay married, you had the affair, and I have been working at this M for 6 months by myself." I didn't say it angrily, but with a lot of sadness and emotion.

Well, I realized that I lost control and hurt myself with that outburst, so before work I went to the gas station (it was 6am) and got her a little bear holding a vase with a fake rose and a Talladega Nights keychain that said, "Old man, I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey!" That is her favorite line frome the movie. I left those out with a note saying I was sorry for the previous night. Well, the bear with the vase and flower is still sitting out on our kitchen island, and her keys are on the keychain, so I think I scored some points back.

This weekend we are hanging out at some clubs downtown with a female friend of mine we'll call K. My WW does not like hanging out with my friends after what happened, but for some reason she really like this friend. I think part of it is that K is female, but I really think she looks to K as like her ideal of a woman, she's late 20's, smart, attractive, single, has a good job, and has all her own things. Kind of like my WW's ideal of a career woman that she would like to be. Funny thing is that all K wants to do is find a H. She moved here for her job, doesn't know a lot of people, and all the people that she knows from our office are married men (because we work in an engineering office). I've talked to her about saying stuff like, "you are lucky to have a husband like Jim," and stuff like that. I hope too that the more she hangs out with K, the more she'll realize that even with the job and her own stuff, K isn't happy because she wants to find someone to marry. (On a side note, I do not hang out with K by myself anymore after finding this website because that would be putting myself in a very bad position. I like being K's friend, but I'm not stupid enough to start confiding in her and spending time alone with her. I'm a man, and I know what could happen, especially after K tried to hook up with one of my friends one night. Well, enough about that).

WW also talked about going to Mardi Gras down in the city, and getting a hotel room nearby. For those of you who don't know, St. Louis has the second largest Mardi Gras celebration in the country. I'm excited that she would suggest it.

So, that is the latest developments. WW won't kiss me, but we do cuddle a lot now, and she will let me peck her on the neck, cheek, and even lips when we are cuddling just before going to bed. I'm continuing to pump her up with a lot of admiration. One thing I did notice. She hasn't been to the gym in a while because she's worked so much the past few months, so she has put on some pounds with that and the holidays. She normally complains about being fat and needing to work out. I have been saying, "You look beautiful," and she usually responded with, "No I'm not, I'm fat." Well last night when we were talking about working out together this weekend because she didn't want to be fat anymore, I told her, "you aren't fat, you are beautiful." This time she responded, "I know, but I want to be more beautiful." I think that my admiration that I'm heaping on is working. She is a very insecure and unhappy person, and I am doing my best to make her feel good about herself again. I view it as this: You can't love someone else unless you love yourself first, so I am trying to get her to love herself again. Then I think the love for me will follow.

I really hope that I at least get a kiss this weekend. The last time we went out dancing (right after I moved back in, and while the A was ongoing), we did have such a good time (and a lot of drinks) that we actually made out and fooled around a little until WW took control of W's body and told me to stop. I'm not going to push the envelope too much, but I will at least angle in for a kiss.

I love my W, and I'm determined to make this work, so keep me in your thoughts and prayers so I don't have to go celibate and without commitment too much longer.

jim your going one day write a complimentary book on MB principals on your success of saving your marriage. One day your wife will realize what she had almost lost and one that day comes I hope you humblely submit to her that it was her that you feared loosing and that was too much for you.

I feel in my own situation one day, not soon, I will have an opportunity to stand in front of my WW and she will not be in a fog and see that I truly care for her and I am her husband.

Hey Jim,

Thought you won the Powerball and left us!!!!!

I was just shinning up my 2x4 for you, but I put it in my back pocket. You saw where you were going and stopped. Good job man. This is where this chit gets real hard if you ask me. The doing, caring, loving and get not too much in return. I have an idea - bring your taker here, closer...closer - I getting my 2x4 to wack it with.

KEEP AT IT, IT IS SO WORTH IT IN THE END. You have to trust me. I know your feelings. I would cry myself to sleep at night asking God why this was happening to me. I thought I couldn't take it anymore, but I keep going and it paid off. So worth the effort. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Good choice to stay away from you co-worker without your wife around.

how about a joke?

Did you hear what one sagging boob said to the other? If we don't get some support soon people will think we're nuts!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

smile at all????

The place that sold the winning Powerball ticket is about 1 mi away from my parent's house. It is where they go grocery shopping. I didn't hear anything from my parents, but I'll make sure it wasn't them and they aren't holding out on me.

I've heard that one before, but it still puts a smile on my face. I'm looking forward to this weekend. It should be fun.

I know that it will all be worth it in the end, and I'm keeping up with it. I just didn't think it would be this much time and effort for such little progress. I guess that will make it all the more special when she finally does recommit.

As for the coworker, it sucks because we had this pretty close group that used to hang out alot. It was me, K, J (male), and R (male). Well all of us travel a lot (but not me anymore), but we would usually all be in the office on Friday and would hang out after work. Well, now R and J aren't even in the office on Fridays, and R just got a new GF so he spends all his time in town with her and J's wife is due with their first child in a few weeks, so they don't hang out anymore. I feel bad because K doesn't have any friends other than us and we have pretty much all abandoned her. It's just too bad that K is smokin' hot instead of ugly so I could still hang out with her. Oh well, I tried introducing her to some other guys at the plant. I did my best. My M is priority number 1.

You story is really an inspiration for me. Good to know that even the best of 'em LB now and then, but then you're better at recovering from it than I am! lol

Have a good weekend Jim!

Your post up above describes exactly how recovery takes place. Slow, tedious process, walking on eggshells, fully responsibility for all your actions and words, fully in Plan A, waiting for your FWS to process everything, and to be able to love herself again.

That IS recovery...Complex beyond words, agonizingly slow and incredibly curious time in a life.

I wanted to update everyone on my situation.

As I stated earlier, my WW and I were supposed to go out with a friend last night. Well my friend got stuck in the Detroit Metro airport, and never made it back until late last night. So it was just me and the WW. We went to quite a few places, Trailhead Brewing Co. and Restaurant, Dave and Busters, and Main Street Bistro. My WW consumed quite a few (7) alcoholic beverages. Well, Jaegermeister must be the new defogging truth serum because it was all W and no WW the entire night. So we were having a good time playing games and talking, and then we went to Cracker Barrel to get some drunk breakfast afterwards. That is when the conversation started getting good.

I don't know how we got started (probably me saying that I really cared about her, but I'm not sure), but she said, "I know you really care about me, and we're going to make this work, but I've got a lot of issues I need to work through right now. But I'm glad that you told me that I'm worth waiting for." Well she started talking about those issues and the big one was hating and mistrusting men, and according to her, the OM only made things worse. She started talking about how the OM kept pursuing her. She would tell him about the problems in our M, and he would listen intently (of course all the advice he gave was for her to leave me). He also told her he loved her ALL THE TIME, like after a bunch of people were over at our house, he'd hug her goodbye and whisper it in her ear while he was at MY house. She mostly dismissed him (and didn't tell me), but he kept at it. She knew that she didn't want to be with him, but it made her think that if she felt feelings for him, she shouldn't be with me. Eventually she was hanging out with him when they were drunk and fooled around (1st and 2nd base only).

Well, we got home, and my taker was screaming at me to try and get with her, but I didn't. She started feeling sick, so she went downstairs and sat up on the couch. I went down there with her, got her some water, and cuddled with her on the couch and we slept there for half the night. When she started feeling better, I helped her up the stair back to bed. All in all a good night. I'm going to have to keep my taker at bay, because he sees some light at the end of the tunnel and he is getting overexcited. But this makes me feel good to know that Plan A is working. I just hope it works sooner rather than later.

Sounds very very promising Jim. Bravo!

Praying for ya... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Drunk breakfast?

No wonder your W got sick when she got home.

Good job keeping your Taker under control.

Is there any chance of getting your W to come here? Maybe over to the recovery boards? I really believe there are some posters here who could help her a great deal. She's got more than the A issue to deal w/. Her beliefs about men and sex need to be addressed as well.

~ Marsh

Yeah, the chances are slim and none, and slim just walked out of the building. She is very hardheaded and stubborn. She HATES MB because it held her accountable for her actions. As much as she feels it was a mistake, she doesn't think it was okay for me to snoop, expose, and manipulate. Like I said in my post, that was my W last night. WW was nowhere to be seen. However, I think the Jaegermeister chased the WW away for the evening. She'll be back, that I'm sure of. I've still got a lot of work to do before she'll commit to the M and start putting in work herself. I know she needs help, but she's not in a position now to accept it. I'll be patient.

Great Jim.

Love it when you hear a little from the wife and not the WW.

I had about 4-5 weeks to go at this point with my sitch. My wife told me some of the same things. It is hard from them too, you know that though.

Beat the taker down. Feed him with some football. Go Bears!!!