WW doesn't want OM, she just doesn't get how much she hurt me, and she's stubborn and independent, so she doesn't like being told what to do. She wanted her copy of a book that she let him borrow that had the author's signiture on it. She's a talkative person, so she just chatted with OM for a few minutes about his old (and her current) company. She just doesn't get it.

Right now she is working 50+ hours at work (yesterday she got into work @ 8:30am and left work at about 9:45pm) and coming in on weekends. She is stressed out with work and severely depressed. She keeps telling me that she is unhappy with her life. I just told her she needs help and the key is learning to be happy with your life. She is so unhappy and does not love herself, so she can't make me happy and love me. She's just too stubborn to seek any help.

Is she worth it? Yes. She's my best friend, and I KNOW we can be happy together if we just get through these difficult times. I truly believe if I just keep on plugging that eventually she'll come around like M2L's WW. The question is how long, and how many contacts between now and then? I don't know. I told myself that I would give it at least a year. I have noticed that we have been slowly making progress. As long as we are making progress, I'll keep at it.

One day she will look back on this and realize just how much I love her and regret this past year.

Jim,

this post hit home with me like you would not believe...
Drop me an e-mail at [email]chargerdoc@hotmail.com.[/email] We pulled out of a similar situation and so can you...

email sent

Of course she will. She'll also realize how much she loves you too.

{{{{{Jim}}}}}

I'm sorry this happened again.

My turn to vent!!!


-Pack her bags and put them on the porch!!!!


venting done:


Your wife sounds like she needs a vaction. So much work, so much stress and mid winter. Do you think she would go if you booked a trip somewhere warm and sandy? A week on a beach with a few drinks and sleeping in late would help IMO.

Good way to reconnect also.

No. She has production deadlines for the books she is working on and right now her company has too many books and not enough editors. She may be a little less busy come March, but she would just get pissed at me for booking a trip and would refuse to go.

Day spa?

Just something to break the cycle of work, bored and feeling non connected with you.


Moving on:

I statements:

"I don't feel like you talking to OM is helping our M any"

"I feel like we are getting set back in our recovery every time you talk to him."

"I would like to know how you think we will make it one day, like you said this weekend, if you keep talking to OM?"

"I know you will be happy again one day, but you will have to stop talking to OM in order for that to happen. How can we make this happen?"

"I will be packing your bags and I will be putting them onthe porch."


NOTE: the last one is just me ventting again....but still an I statement.

I try and keep us active. Like I said, last weekend we went shopping, went out to eat, watched the ice sculpture contest, have some different brews at a microbrewery, got some chocolate at a local candy shop, went to Dave and Busters, got a late night breakfast.

I don't know what we'll do this weekend, but on Feb. 17th I got us a hotel down by Soulard where the Mardi Gras parade and shenanigans take place. For Valentine's Day I know she'll probably work late, but I'm sending her roses, a bear, and chocolate, and I'll pick up Outback curbside to go for dinner, have an expensive bottle of red wine, and get her a gift certificate for a massage. I'm doing all that she'll allow me to.

Pack her bags - I'm moving in with you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

All jokes aside. I'm asking the pros here:

Could Jim be doing too much? Is that possible? If Jim keeps doing these things, which is very nice, could his wife take it as wussy or begging by doing?


Food for thought

Don't get all "Brokeback" on me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

There's a delicate balance between too much Plan A, and a proper amount of space for withdrawal. Reconnection can't take place without time together, and time together can be ugly during withdrawal.

No one can hover about and watch all that transpires in another's life, which makes this all a "do it yourself" project, but with full employment of all you learn here.

Best advice I can give is to be hypersensitve to emotes from your withdrawing spouse, and act and react as best you can. Apologize for errors, but not profusely. Just keep things as normal as possible, for the relationship to sprout.

Believing it will happen, coupled with positive thoughts and efforts is key.

SD

Jim, the best advise I could give, based on our experience, is to get her to a pschiatrist ASAP. Depression can be treated. If she refuses to go, I am not sure what else you can do other than being supportive and being there for her. And prepare yourself for when she crashes, because without some kind of help she most likely will crash....

My wife did not want to go for therapy either. She kept having anxiety attacks and blaming it all on me. She almost had me convinced of it. Divorce was her solution to all her problems. Then she developed a bad case of paranoia and that ultimately led to two nervous breakdowns within six months. Even after that, she did not want to go for help. When the pressure became unbearable she finally went to a psychotherapist who immediately sent her to a psychiatrist. She has been on ADs for the last six years and she is doing better. Six years after the fact she finally came around to telling me that I had no blame whatsoever in those events and thanked me for standing by her in her darkest moments.
I guess what I am trying to stress here is the need for professional help. Without it you are most likely heading towards what I experienced and , believe me, I do not wish that on my worst enemy....
Is your wife in publishing?? Mine is too....

Jim,

I just read your story, and it's frightening how I see myself now in your first four pages alone. Fear of divorce, threat of divorce, "she's angry, what do I do?".



The quote above is EXACTLY what I have seen and been through the first few weeks of my story. Differences are: My WW has already left the home and I haven't proved an A. I read further, and saw all of the doom and gloom from others who looked at your situation (even Dr. Harley said it didn't look good...), yet you have survived this long! What if you had stopped believing? Would you be where you are today?

Jim,

You mentioned calling Dr. Harley's show today. Did you do that and if so wha tdid he suggest?

I was busy at work today, so I didn't get a chance to call in. I'll try again tomorrow.

Quote Pep on 1-18-07


Wow, Pep called this one.

Jim, you told your wife that the call on the 18th would be the last one you would except. So now what??? I'm not trying to be an [censored] to you or leave you out to dry, but you keep telling your wife "one last time is it". Now what?

I don't have too much to tell you here. Pep, SD and others have much more experience than I do and I'm waiting for them to come up with something.


Man, as it is I lose sleep for pHB and Dog and now you.

It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that one.


Don't worry about me, I lose enough sleep for myself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

don't worry Jim
I am not about to offer any advice

just here to say

I'm sorry man

Pep

When I was in the early stages of recovery, and posting on the "Recovery" forum, this exact stage in the process was discussed again and again.

There is NO paragraph of advice that covers this stage.

There is no "prescription" that will make this better, or easier.

When you begin to reconnect, your taker screams for a gentle, loving spouse who meets your needs willingly and lovingly, and, after all we been through, we freakin' deserve it.

Sorry, but there is no instant turnaround. The whole process is agonizingly slow, and many days can go by without perceptible change. In fact, it goes by so slowly you almost have to look backwards, to see how far you've come forward, to recognize the change.

The point of this post is that when you begin to reconnect, there may or may not be a brief honeymoon period, then anything that was an issue in your marriage "before" will begin to surface as part of your day to day interaction.

You can find yourself, and your spouse falling into the exact patterns that got your marriage in trouble in the first place. You must fight this and direct your marriage in a better direction. The BS still will have 95% of the load in doing this. Some waywards reach a point where there's an epiphany, or sorts, and they climb on board and there is equal distrubution of positive input in moving forward. However, in most instances, the Wayward had checked out of the marriage LONG before the affair, and the rebuilding, and re-creation of a new, better marriage still falls on the shoulders of the BS.

With that said, you still have to negotiate this current contact situation. Here's a suggestion, take it or leave it. When you find you and your W are in a pleasant plateau of getting comfortable again, in a calm, collected manner convey to your W how much the contact causes you pain and concern. Then simply ask her (all without Love Busters, of course) how many times she plans on putting you in this pain, and ask how often does SHE think YOU should endure it?

Delicate conversation, which must take place with ultimate control, so your W feel safe at all times. That's my 2 cents worth.

I have felt your pain, and if given the chance for do-overs, this is how I think I would have handled it.

SD