Hello again everyone. I haven't posted here for awhile cause I've been trying to drown myself in my work. A couple days ago, I ran into my ex-girlfriend in the office and she and I talked but just about work and we were cordial, acting professional around the office. That night, she went out for a couple drinks and came over to my place where she spent the night. We joked around, it was passionate and intimate. I didn't ask her about the relationship and she didn't offer any explanations. The next niight she called me and we were back to acting cordial. She texted me today about when she could come by and get a shirt that she left behind and I told her tomorrow sometime because I'm going out tonight--on a date, by the way, with someone new.

I do care about my ex-girlfriend but I realize she's young and immature but she seems more independent and stable then before and I like it. I also like that she's beautiful and affectionate but I definately would like to have something more in terms of a real relationship. I don't think she's ready for that. The girl I'm going out with tonight seems more in tuned to what I'm looking for and I'm nervous but I'm not gonna try and take it too far and just have fun and get to know her.

I'll let you all know how it goes. I feel like I'm making a trade-off between passion and comfort and I just want alittle bit of both.

I think you better practice safe sex <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.

PERVERT!!!!!!

i think you need to let the young one go completely. i would be very surprised if she can be ok with just "booty calls".. in her mind eventually sex with you is going to equal relationship to her.

you are an intelligent man, i wish you would start thinking with that intelligent head of yours instead of the other head you have. sorry, i know i am being blunt. i think you are playing with fire sleeping with your ex gf. i remember being a girl that age and being in some crazy relationships. and i got very hurt for some of them because i was not mature enuff emotionally to handle some of what i got myself into. be the older mature man that you are and stop playing with that girl. move on, go on your dates, and be done with it.

don't mean to vent at you but it frustrates me to no end when men my age have to get thier egos stroked by a girl basically. 20,21,22,23... they are not women yet. i just don't get it.

wow, guess you caught me on a bad day or something, i will get off of my soapbox now.

mlhb

i do want to add, now that it is the next day and i am off my soap box, that after my ex and i split up i had a short lived "fling" if you would, with someone very younger than me, 24 to be exact. what a mistake that was. the sf wasn't even that good. probably because i only thot of him as a friend (we had known eachother a while). we thot we would try the "booty call" thing, the friends with benefits thing, and that is how i know it is playing with fire. was i flattered at 34 (my age at that time) that a 24 year old wanted that, sure i was. but that feeling was short lived when i dealt with the after effects of that kind of relationship. we both knew it would never be a "real" relationship. he needed someone his own age and i got that, and so did i. i have no desire for someone that much younger in my life. they cannot offer me what i am looking nor do they have the life experience to be able to have enuff in common with me.

so i get it, i am not just speaking out of my a** so to speak. i just think you should let it alone, someone, probably her, will be the one getting really hurt. be honest and cut it off. that is what my friend and i did last year. we had an honest talk and never did "it" again. he is now engaged to someone his own age and i am very very happy for him. i don't talk to him much anymore, and haven't seen him in quite sometime. i have moved on and so has he so there really is no need for communication between us. that is just the way i feel it should be.

my 2 cents.
mlhb

Thanks mlhb and AGG but I think you have the wrong idea. I love this girl and want to be with her for the rest of my life but right now, she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me yet she called me for a booty call and came over to my house.

I've been trying to move on because everyone says thats what I have to do and that once she sees this it could make her want to get back together and do all things that couples do. I don't want to be just a "booty call" and I was kinda hoping that this was a good sign and that it could be a step in the right direction but now it seems like she doesn't care enough to want to be more than friends or coworkers.

sorry dear, but the her age is a huge factor here. her immaturity is why she acts this way. i am sure this is what people her age, her friends, etc, probably do. DO NOT BE PLAYED LIKE THIS. you are the one who will be very hurt.

she's a kid coughlin. get a woman.
get a woman who will treat you the way you deserve, who won't play these childish games, who doesn't think it is "cute" just to call you when she wants some sex. ridiculous. i understand you fell for her but look at her actions. she is no where near mature enough at her age to understand or want what a relationship or commmitment entails. and she shouldn't for goodness sake. at her age she should be out there exploring and having fun.

again, LET HER GO BEFORE SHE PLAYS YOU ANY WORSE. she might be the nicest girl in the world (aren't they are all? eyeroll) but that doesn't make her emotionally mature enough for what you are looking for. you are hanging onto a very thin thread. you will be waiting a long time before she is ready if she ever is, and what is your heart going to do after she has played you for just sex, she calls you one day a and says "gee coughlin, i have met this really great guy my own age and i am so happy with him"? it will happen.

for most woman that age an older guy is a fun novelty, nothing more. move on sweethart, i really mean that. move far far on.

mlhb

I agree with mlhb. It sounds like you are getting played. This sort of sounds like the reverse of the cow/milk analogy. What is it they say about men - why buy the hog when you're gettin' a little sausage for free?

wow,

don't know if i would have quite put it out there that way but....

it is about respect as well. have more respect for yourself than that coughlin. she will "use" you in this way until you put your foot down about it. not to be cruel, but how do you know she was not out hanging with her friends that night and saying "hey, i know i can get some booty call from coughlin, watch and see and i will".. you just have no idea what goes on in her mind or in her world. be the man, put your foot down, respect yourself, and be done with it.

heard the term "broken record?" yup,that is me on this one for sure...

mlhb

It's difficult to tell in written format but I don't mean it to be harsh.

I think of it more as commentary. It's something that has been said for YEARS about women and I see from reading his situation that the same can be true for men. Blunt, but true.

I see it as an issue of self respect also.

Coughlin, why are you willing to settle for so little?

Whoa bud, I think you took the right idea and took a wrong turn with it.

Everyone has been saying to move on not to "make her want to get back together", but to get rid of her, because she is major bad news.

Have you read what you posted here over the past few months? This girl is regularly going out to bars with a bunch of guy friends - what do you think they do there - A. discuss their taxes, or B. drink and flirt? I think we all know it's not A.

So, it seems that on the nights when she gets horny or lonely, she falls back on old reliable - you! How charming is that? Is that what you want to be, someone to hold her when she could not hook up with anyone else that night? This is the woman you want to do "normal couples stuff with"?

I dunno Coughlin, I think the sooner you stop beating your head against the wall, the sooner the headache will go away...

AGG

and agg, that is what girls her age do and should be doing.. hanging out with her own crowd and her own age group. not calling for booty call from some mid 30's something guy who can't get unhung up on the fact that an early 20 something wanted to sleep with him. he can't get over the fact that he thought he might actually have a chance at a "normal" relationship with someone that young.

hip hip hurray coughlin, you got some 20 or 23 whatever she is to wanna be with you. put a notch on your bed post and move on. ya wanna know how many of us did that and have moved on? lets see, my friend D, who is divorcing, got some 25 year old from college. yea, the sex was great but she knew darn well it was just a "thing" that was not going to turn into anything. he was just toooo young (she is 42). i did it, gekko did it, others have done it. we are so flattered when after x amount of years of marriage, and we are now in our 30's or 40's, that someone, esp someone so young, finds us attractive and wants sex with us. BUT , that doesn't mean they are relationship material. we do some funky stuff after a separation or divorce sometimes, our emotions are such a mess we are not in the best state to judge out actions.

for me, it was emotionally devastating to be with someone that age and just have it be sex, took me at least a month to get over. i know it messed with gekko's head big time too. we are just not cut from that cloth. and we are both intelligent enough to know that these relationships with these younger people were not what we wanted or needed or what would last. we dealt with what we did and moved on. my friend "D", the same thing. it is done, it is in the past, MOVE ON.

mlhb

MLHB, I don’t think Coughlin is interested in this woman just as an ego trip. My bet is it’s more complex.

Coughlin, dearie, she’s using you, whether it’s intentional or not, I don’t know. However, in the end, it doesn’t matter. You provide her with security and safety, so she doesn’t have to face being alone without a boyfriend. After all, there’s always you!

She may be beautiful, she may even be passionate, but she’s also cruel. Have you noticed how every time your affections for her wane, she reappears? Do you think there may be a reason for that? It’s called stringing you along.

So, let’s look at why you “love” her. What does she provide you? First, there’s the beauty part. Then there’s the youth playing to your ego. Also, you probably get to feel older, wiser, stronger, more responsible—cause you are. But, that puts you and her in an unequal relationship. If she weren’t playing games with you, you would hold most of the cards.

She is playing games though. She demonstrating that she cannot take care of a relationship with you, nor can she take care of your feelings by ending the relationship. Yet, you stick around, anxiously hoping she’ll see the light and want to do couple things with you. If only you …., then she’ll want to be a couple with you. Could you be looking for validation from her? Validation you may not have gotten from your ex?

I’m also wondering if this woman even wants to be a couple right now. If she does, you can bet her definition of “couple” is radically different from yours.

i agree, i don't think it is just an ego trip... but i think he has fallen for someone who does not have the emotional maturity to give him what he needs. she has already proven that over and over. i think it is his feelings wrapped up in the ego trip that she is pretty and younger and wants to be with him (if even for just booty call) that is making it harder for him to let it go.

once coughlin finds someone closer to his age, someone who meets his needs and doesn't just use him, someone who is good for him, etc... i think he will be able to very easily say goodbye to miss 20 something and see her for what she was at that time in his life.

mlhb

We joked around, it was passionate and intimate. I didn't ask her about the relationship and she didn't offer any explanations.

What explanation? And exactly how does it work to "joke around" and then get to intimate and passionate?

I think your explanation is right in front of you..

It was all about just joking around..a good time...just for kicks...a little bit of fun.

I would think it obvious.

Two Words...

"safe sex"

committed

Then stand up for yourself, so no to any further "booty" calls, and demand some respect.

She's young and very immature and is deriving alot of satisfaction stringing you along. It's feeding her low self-esteem.

Let her go and regain some of your dignity.

I think you kind of like the drama though, am I right? Not trying to be harsh but what's going on really reads like a high school relationship.

Stop doing this to yourself.

"i love this GIRL" girl being the operative word here.. she is just a GIRL, not a WOMAN. a girl is not capable of what you are looking for.

i agree with the drama... you are getting something from it, or maybe YOUR self esteem is that low that you would allow this to continue. are you still seeing your therapist? if not, you need to be. seriously.
what a sense of power for her to think that she can come over and have a piece of you whenever she wants to. little girl games. it is sad that they play them, but my experience shows that a lot of girls this age do, espeically with men your age.
mlhb

Thank you all for your insights and responses. Have you ever heard the expression, "Don't find someone that you can live with, but find someone that you can't live without." I saw her again last night and we ate dinner, watched t.v. and sat by the fireplace and she stayed over. We talked about how we went out on dates in the time we've been apart and how there hasn't been any connection. She has become less reliant upon me and more independent and secure. She says that she doesn't want to be hurt by placing all the expectations and restraints that she thought existed in our relationship.

I know that I'm probably setting myself up for a fall but you know, it could work and here's how: We remain connected and eventually do things that couples do together once she establishes her career and friendships. She could introduce me to the people that are important to her as we get closer and more comfortable with eachother and ourselves. I care for her and it is more complex then just her beauty and age. I know that this may not be the most conventional arrangement but since when has my life been conventional? She cares for me in a more mature way and maybe she does need to experience life and grow into her own but why does that mean that I can't be a part of that?

Let me translate this for you, Coughlin - she doesn't want to be tied down to expectations and restraints that come with a normal relationship - she wants to do what she wants with whom she wants (like she has been doing), including the option to hang out with you when it suits her.

She has really got you trained with this "unconventional relationship" nonsense - it is unconventional only because it is not a balanced relationship - it is on her terms. Sure, look at this carrot, Coughlin - maybe in time you'll get to meet her friends.. WTF?? Do you know how screwed up that is?

If you are in a good relationship (forget conventional or unconventional, just any good normal relationship), meeting friends and family is a normal thing, not something that you may aspire to in time. She is playing you so much, it hurts me to read your posts.

I really really wish you'd tell her to get lost. This is seeming to me to be very unhealthy, and you are appearing very codependent here, which precludes any hope of moving into a healthy relationship.

AGG

My view is this.....

Coughlin, your gf would like to put you on a shelf, for her own keeping.
She wants you there to take out and play with or have on her terms. Until then, she wants to enjoy her life and all that implies.
When things are bleak on her end, she pulls you off that shelf and you are willing because of the deep affection you feel for her.

You have got to be way more attractive than that and deserve much better.
Think more of yourself than what she is doing to you.

Karona