w/o yelling at him.

I left dd home with dh so I could go to counseling. I come home to find that he had looked at porn, possibly jacked off.

I confronted him about it and he said he did it after the 2nd time I called and our dd was asleep on the bed.

He lied. I confronted that because the time that the computer said he visited these sites were shortly after I left.

She was AWAKE. She is 2 yrs old. He said she was in the other room crying for you...... grrrr

I told him that still doesn't make it ok for you to do that. For one.. how on earth couldyou get a woody while your child is in the next room screaming?

She could have come to you while you were in the process of making YOURSELF happyp, and not helping her.

He said.. what was I supposed to do, she didn't want me, she was crying for you..

I said... well, you could read books or something. NOT [email]FU@k@ng[/email] JACK OFF!! for one!.

He still didn't get that just because she is in another room, makes it ok to do it.

I think it is wrong to do it, while in his care, while she is awake, especially while she is needing comforted. Jacking off is only making him feel better, not her.

He has no problem controling it while I am home and awake. But once I hit the door or fall asleep hes doing it. So why is it different if his daughter is home and awake??

He pointed out that one time she was awake I walked by him with her while he was doing it. I walked back into the other room though and she didn't see anything. He said this was the same as what he did, when it is clearly not. I was hiding her from it. She was in my care. I wasn't the one doing it in front of her.

He says she didn't see him today.. but that's not the point. She was in HIS care.

I can not leave him alone with her anymore. Also, while he was in shower and she didn't want to be in there, he just let her wonder around out of the bathroom. Didn't watch her.

I don't think my husband is a good father at all. He's not very attentive at all. And seems like he could care less about anything. Unless of course she is breaking something.

He doesn't realize the dangers a 2 yr old could get into.

Back onto earlier subject.

This has happend before. He said she was sleeping. And while I am now not beleiving him while he just lied to me today.

How can he not think this is wrong. He said he already feels guilty about it. But why wasn't that enough to control it?

I don't think he has touched her. But I'm afraid it might lead to something bigger years down. I'm not sure.

He's not that sexual to me. If we have sex he's into it, but I have to initiate it. And I haven't had feelings that way for him in a loong time, but will give it up and ask him if he wants to please him. But he still uses his hand the SECOND I'm asleep or gone. It has been this way since before our marraige 5 yrs ago. I'm sick of it.

I feel lonely and I feel like I'm on the verge of an affair. Though if I had the chance I probably freeze up. I CRAVE that new romance kiss. And all I get from hubby is a side kiss. I don't want a real kiss from him. I have no feelings for it.

Now what he did today, just puts me over the edge. I don't want to even give mercy sex anymore. I don't want him touching me or anything. HOw can he think it's ok to jack off while his daughter is screaming for her mommy?

I've had too many problems with him I am ready to leave. But I keep getting told things can get fixed through marriage counseling. But a lot of these things I have talked with him about and it hasn't stopped. I've askedhim how he would feel if I jacked off all the time behind your back. He said he would be upset to. But that didn't stop him. I've given up on confronting him about this. If he wants to do it fine. But I will not be the same woman anymore.

I hate my marriage. I strongly dislike my husband and don't know if I can ever find love for him again. How do you know when you've had enough and how do you know if it's not worth working on? Today just draws the line. too much!!

I don't know what to do, or what to say. I've said a lot to him already and didn't get to him. ONly got him to raise his voice to me. I don't know what to rationally or calmly say to him to make this better. How do I know he can change this if he won't even try with me?>

I'm lost and confused.

7-1

WOW!

Do you have issues!

Please buy His needs, Her Needs (HNHN) from this website today.

Your H needs a more sexully fulfulling relationship with you. That would reduce the J/O that he does.

He could also care for "both of yours" daughter. He probably doesn't feel confident to do it properly. His disregard for her crying in wrong. His actions when she is crying is wrong. Has he ever done anything to your satisfaction with the child? Mothers and Fathers will have different ways of interacting and taking care of children. The standards need to be discussed and understood between the two of you. Then his confidence in caring for the child will increase, as well as your respect for his parenting skills.

Do not project on to your H that he will molest the child in the future because he self stimulates. Your projection of that will destroy your M.
You need to work with him on improving your sexually relationship.

He has alot of changes to make.

So do you. You may even need a new IC. Doesn't seem to be helping. But I do not have much info to make this assertion. Please add more info.

HNHN can help you undersatnd the dynamics in your M. Your H may not change, even if he reads the book. Then a decision can be made regarding your M at that point. But the issues you describe here are fixable. Hard to belive, I know. But after 18 years of M and an A on my part, The MB Principles work, my M is proof of that. But, they take work.

Are you ready?

PS: you are here, he is not, you have made a choice to find a way to fix this M. That is a very positive sign. And you can always vent here. Us MB's are pretty tolerant of A/O's (first lesson, search this site for what an A/O is)

Our sex life has nothing to do with it. He has this as a habbit. He still did it quite often when we were both happy and had a healthy relationship.sexship.

He has never touched her, atleast I have no reason that he did.

I just don't understand why he could do this. He wasn't behind closed doors. She was screaming for me. It was like he didn't care.

Why did he think it was ok to do this? You don't have sex while your kids are screaming for someone with doors open.

I can't trust him alone with her for that he might do it again. True he wasn't molesting her, but in my eyes it's still kind of close. It's exposing her to it.

I remember being 5, and my babysitters husband had a woody and sat down to show me.

And that I know my hubby wasn't purposly exposing her to it, she still could have seen it.

Why the need to lie in the first place?

The only reason why I'm trying to work on this marriage is for our daughter. I'm so unhappy. We go thru periods of getting along, due to him coming to counseling with me. But that will never change how I feel about him. I've been through so much and I don't know how I can just move on.

7,

When do you want to get at the cause instead of addressing the symptoms?

A habit of distraction...doesn't begin or end without awareness of why...and your H's choice has an emotional base.

All of Harley's ENs are just that, Emotional Needs.

Might just be your H developed this "habit" from rejection...and a habit with set reactions built in is an addiction...do it to soothe stress, feels awful afterwards, guilt rises, self-hate and self-talk add to it (and your own) which builds internal stress, self-rejection and thus makes the "habit" his only out.

Which would mean, he's out of control of his own stuff. And you can't control his stuff. No human can...we can only control our own.

When your focus is solely on his stuff, you're out of control of your own, too...why it feels like the marriage is out of control when it isn't...just the two people in it.

Most of our stuff comes from our FOO (family of origin) and I choices you are making which are mothering, not partnering.

Does your H know about what happened when you were 5?

What it felt like to you, what your experience was?

How much time do you both take to share, instead of demand, instruct and condemn?

The only reason you're trying to work on this marriage is for your daughter...sounds discounting. That's a huge reason. Your H will be her father for all of her life. You won't get away from any of your fears through divorce.

Knowing that can feel like you're trapped, when you're not.

Have you learned about boundaries and boundary enforcements? How they have to match your own standards? Have you read enough here to know that both of you can fall back in love fully, time and time again, following Harley's rules for marriage?

One rule I applied in my life which has greatly changed it, is that when I ask "Why? Why the need to lie or Why did you do that?" I'm lying to myself. I don't really want to know why...I want to know they won't do it again. Why we do what we do is our own...and asking for another person's why is asking them to put their head on a block for judgment and sentencing. It's abusive.

Unless you're prepared to hear and not react to his stuff...know his feelings, thoughts, beliefs and perceptions are his...not you doing them to him; and that your same stuff is solely yours...then you aren't safe to share with. That's within your real power, your choice. You can do that. Be safe. No LBs. Full of respect (not reactive). I believe sexual dysfunction rises to high levels when acceptance falls way below. When we focus on others, what they are doing to make us feel stuff...there's no ownership or honesty in that...because our feelings are valid, and we're bringing a lot of them about by focusing where we have no control and not looking at ourselves.

You have been through a lot...every human has...including your H. Together, we work out, in marriage, all our stuff...it makes it the best, most fulfilling and awesome healing place in life. And it can be the most painful, horrific place, too, because it has this much promise and we feel robbed. Which is why divorcing tends to become a many-timed thing...an out which is no out...and each marriage repeats the same core hurts and strife.

When you focus on one thing as the issue...and if that was cleared up, everything would be fine...then you've sentenced yourself to always having one more issue...

Getting under the surface...is the way to heal. There are downward spirals and upward spirals. I prefer the latter.

You can heal a lot of your past in your present...reading books, as LG said, as you're doing in counseling, when your focus is on you. You aren't alone and you're not abnormal. What you choose to learn and understand will give you a knowledgable and understanding life. What you choose to fight and judge, will give you a life of conflict and judgment.

All within your power, your choice.

We can make our partners our enemies...see all the negative as justification for something we're doing inside us all along...and it's a crushing realization when we see all we've lost because our focus was where we had no control, no respect and WE did that. Not them.

We can make our partners our friends, with mutual healing, too. How we fell in love and can fall in love again and again with them. Takes us setting our beliefs in order...that love is a choice we make, not a feeling we get...we get the feeling from our own choice, not from their choices. You have a lot of power you are throwing at your H, like acid. It's yours. Being aware of your own power and choices is more important than judging his. Makes you his enemy.

You may symbolize judgment, rejection, mothering to him...which feels like inadequacy, being defective and powerless. He's not. He has equal power to yours.

Learn more now about humans and human relationships. How marriage itself is like a third human...with boundaries and standards, and that you can honor your marriage when you don't feel like honoring your spouse...because you choose to believe in it.

Your choice. Not his.

My DH is an SA...a sex addict. I'm not talking where I haven't walked. We have an intact family and a thriving marriage. This isn't fantasy. Soothing from fantasy ripped us apart many times...until we realized what was underneath.

You can do this.

LA

ok.. but I still don't understand whyhe thinks it's ok to neglect his daughter while shes screaming just to get his jollies off. Is it me or is everyone missing the point in my first post. I think what he didis really really wrong

Ok?

That's an answer to my post?

Did you notice the "why" question? That you're saying he's okay with something you judge as neglectful...when he may not be okay with his actions? You call it his jollies, and I asked you to consider it as a distraction habit from rejecting.

You believe what he did was really, really wrong. That's valid. That's your belief. Why do you need others to say it is wrong, also? I believe we are addressing your point...asking you to look underneath what you're doing instead of attempting to just judge with you.

Do you want to be right or do you want to be married?

LA

honestly. I really don't know what I want. A lot of times I feel I would be better off with out him.

For one thing, I don't want my daughter going through what I went thru as a child. That's why I'm so screwed up today.

Not knowing what you want gives you the experience of pain, fear and a lot of anger.

Healing yourself, from your childhood onward is your responsibility as an adult. You are not so screwed up.

You aren't.

And you never have been.

You are a whole, complete and marvelously made human being, 7. Learning all you can about what you want, need, are capable of and what you choose seats you fully in your power and accepting of your limits.

Takes focus on you, 7. Defining your own standards and boundaries...and enforcing those boundaries.

Takes you choosing to believe that you and H are equally capable. Valid belief. That you are team to heal each other...not making one protect the other...but sharing who you really are from KNOWING who you really are.

Which is the BEST gift for your child any parent can possibly give.

All within your control...about you. Where your focus is, there is your treasure. You make it on all that H does wrong, make HIM wrong...then you are doing that to yourself, as well.

I know. I remember. I did that.

And I didn't know what I wanted...I just knew I hurt, a lot; felt anger and fear and resentment. I loved my resentment so much I couldn't see where I was damaging me with it instead of harming my DH...which was my intention.

You can do this. You can get underneath stuff and see all the parallels...you don't accept yourself, then you'll reject others. You crave acceptance and respect...desire protection...yet you don't respect or provide protection (from you yelling).

You are as capable an adult as anyone. Know this. Choose to first become aware and then act...not react and seek validation after the fact. Difference between an upward spiral and a downward one...your choice. Within your power and responsibility.

Want to explore more...read more. Know more. Accept yourself more and you'll accept others...see them as the separate and equal people they really are. You can judge their actions. Do not confuse that with judging their essence. Do not make his actions define him and then yours won't have the power to define you.

Listen and repeat. Get to know your DH again...know his pain, fear, suffering and resentments...want to be safe, get safe to be shared with.

You can do this. We all have this option. We really do.

LA

Should I find him an addictions specialists? He's had this porn problem since before me. It's just got worse. He's overstepping boundries.

7:

LovingAnyway is giving you fabulous advice.

You feel that it is all you H fault.

He's stroking, and ignoring your screaming child, with the door open.

1. You were not there.

2. Your child was in the crib.

3. Door opened or closed, kids in the crib.

4. Kid waking up early in the session or later, doesn't matter, you were not there to review timeline.

5. Yes, your H did this while you were at counseling! Can you imagine?

To much projecton and assumptions on your part.


Ok, 7, you came here for help. Understand that you are not perfect. My W thought as soon as I got "Right" our M would be better. She was wrong. I had a lot of changes to make, but so did she.

Start listening to LA. She can help you thru this.

Your H may enjoy self-stimulation. That is better than looking elsewhere for it. And thats where he goes next. But be responsible for yourself.

This is your time to grow. Maybe your H might not. But lets address the real issues, and not symptoms..

He told me she was on the couch. NOt in crib, she doesn't have a crib. She was in living room, he was in kitchen. There is an open doorway.

He's had this porn addiction since before we met. It's only in the past couple years gotten to me how bad it really is.

I don't mind that he does it. I'm mad because he can't control it. He should be trying to take care of our screaming daughter who needs comforting. She was crying for me. Instead of J/O.

He should have waited till she was asleep or something. Not do it while she could have walked in.