Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 287
2
213601 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
2
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 287
TO ALL FWW.

What is the fog?
We know everybody talks about it, my WW said to me I’m not in the fog.

Is it the feelings towards OP?
Does those feelings rewrites your morals, and beliefs?
Is it those feelings or chemicals that make you convince yourself that your M is over?

Because to me it doesn’t make sense, I know it shouldn’t but it’s hard to understand
What a WW is going through.

For example my WW can’t say nothing bad about me, she even told her lawyer that I was a great guy.

What? Give me a break, if I’m such a great guy why does she want to leave the M, without even trying?

Knowing that OM is not leaving his wife, and she doesn’t want to live with him even if he does leave, so this is a dead end.

She tells me now that OM have nothing to do with her decision now, and the M is been over for I don’t know X amount of years.

I agree the M was in bad shape, I even tried to get her to go to counseling with me, a few years ago, and she didn’t want to go.
Anyway why argue with her.

I just wanted to know what that fog is, and is it the same fog we had when we first met and fell in love? Because this does make you blind, and crazy.

Any inside info is appreciated.

Oh Becca I’m proud of you.

Tony.


BH 44
WW 40
2KIDS DD 6, DS 7
MARRIED 13 YRS.
STORY THREAD http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...fpart=1&vc=
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970
"What is the fog?"

Entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect.

"Is it the feelings towards OP?
Does those feelings rewrites your morals, and beliefs?
Is it those feelings or chemicals that make you convince yourself that your M is over?"

No, your resentment hardened into entitlement and lack of respect distort and rewrite your morals and values. Justifications (which are self-deception) generate the chemicals for feelings for OP as the fantasy cure for what ails ourselves...which is ourselves.

"Because to me it doesn’t make sense, I know it shouldn’t but it’s hard to understand"

Of course it doesn't make sense and is hard to understand. In a wayward state of mind, there is not openness or honesty; there is no sharing with the enemy (which is what the WS makes their partner)...there is no connection because the WS is blaming that very connection for making them do what they are choosing to do.

"For example my WW can’t say nothing bad about me, she even told her lawyer that I was a great guy."

Doesn't mean in her head she isn't saying you're the problem...full of if onlys and what ifs...she won't tell him "I'm the bad guy. I'm the defective one in our marriage."

"What? Give me a break, if I’m such a great guy why does she want to leave the M, without even trying?"

Could be many things, Tony--she doesn't deserve you, feels judged and inferior to you...so to fix that, she wants to get away from you and believes that will stop her feelings of being inferior. Doesn't make sense. Waywards don't make sense. Hence, The Fog.

"Knowing that OM is not leaving his wife, and she doesn’t want to live with him even if he does leave, so this is a dead end.

She tells me now that OM have nothing to do with her decision now, and the M is been over for I don’t know X amount of years."

Normal stuff, Tony. She is in a state of wishfulness and denial. Why are YOU trying to get truth out of someone who self-deceives?

"I agree the M was in bad shape, I even tried to get her to go to counseling with me, a few years ago, and she didn’t want to go.
Anyway why argue with her."

Yes, why? Why not hand back reality, "I hear you want to divorce for no reason, is that correct?"

"I just wanted to know what that fog is, and is it the same fog we had when we first met and fell in love? Because this does make you blind, and crazy."

No...you were both available, single people looking for a partner to last a lifetime. That's not fog. It is not real selves, though, and when real selves emerged, the partnerhsip got rough.

When are you going to let go your control freakishness enough to understand you cannot control, cure or cause her anything? Not by being a great guy or a bad guy or a normal human being? Why do YOU choose to go around this mulberry bush and avoid reality?

She is making her choices based on HERSELF. Not you. Tell me, when you turned yourself around, got into the marriage and stopped LBing, began working on the marriage...were you doing that for HER or for you?

Then why wouldn't her choices be about HER?

LA

Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 150
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 150
I tend to agree more with those who describe this "fog" as an addiction. Like any addict, you don't think or believe you have an addiction, this is why she may be saying she is not in the "fog".... but if that is the case, does she care to explain why she is willing to break up your family without trying? many of the statistics seem to indicate most people (more man then women actually) file for Divorce when there is already someone else involved, if there is no one waiting "in the wings" most are willing to give it a try....

I believed I was "in love" during my fog. I believed I truly loved OM. I actually felt at one point that perhaps this was the FIRST time I was really in love (I was trying VERY HARD to forget this is similar to how I felt once for BH once 16 years ago when we first got married!)because it was "special" and so UNIQUE! HA! it wasn't until I came here that I realized I was just a run of the mill WW and that all WWs say the same pathetic things at some point or another!

For me, it was defenitely an addiction. I was addicted to how OM made me feel and at one point I felt if things didn't work out between BH and I and OM wasn't in the picture at that point, that I was going to search HIGH and LOW for someone else because now I knew what "love" was all about!!! OMG do you SEE how fogged up I was?? that is just ridiculous! I was addicted....

I was very emotionally attached to OM. In my case it was a 2 yr A so a lot of emotions invested in this A. To add insult to injury in my case the pregnancy just made things WORSE!

So if perhaps your WW is no longer seeing OM and she tells you that even if he were free she wouldn't go for him, it is probably a lie. That's what WW do. We lie to everyone, we lie to ourselves. Anything to avoid the truth. The truth is too painful and the truth cheapens our fantasy.

Read some of the posts Mrs. W and Mr. W have posted to me and to Heartsore. Great insight in those posts in regards to WW behavior/fog.

Good luck to you!!
B


WW (me) 36 BH 37 Married 16 yrs 3 children, 12DD, 4DD, 7 mths DD (OC) D-day 8/05 2nd D-day 10/05 *OC* 3rd D-day 6/08/06 DD *OC* born ~~ If I had known then what I know now ~~
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 483
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 483
Brother, all I can say is this: drag your feet and just keep being a positive loving person towards her to turn her around.

Drag your feet in this divorce. If you don't want it, make her do all the work. She'll get pissed and threaten and scream and judge for you not wanting to go along with her plan. Make her do all the work.

I didn't and paid for it dearly. Had I hung in there and been positive and followed the advice on this board I might not be where I am today.

Don't give her reasons to hate you. Appeasement is not the answer.

I wish I had handled things very differently in my situation. I probably would still be married. Might be on the path to divorce, but I'd still be married and might have been able to give her the chance to come around while we were still married.

My ex hasn't emerged from the fog, but LovingAnyway practically describes my exw to the letter.

When she talks about leaving, tell her simply that you aren't going anywhere and neither is she. Say it calmly.

If you could take a magic pill that would remove your emotions in situations like this, it would be a lot easier. It would have given me the cool head I should have had all along to deal with my ex.

My brother gave me the best advice I could have gotten. He simply said, "be cool, be ice cold and unreadable". Little did he know how accurate and right that is.

Trust me when I tell you this, it has been 8 months since she told me she wanted to leave and 7 months since the divorce. Be cool. I'm emotionally in a place now where I could be that way, but it has unfortunately come after our marriage is dead. You're not in that situation. When you interact with her, act as if nothing is bugging you. Do the 180. Please don't make my mistakes.

Good luck to you.


BS-34
EXWW-27
DD-4
DS-Twin boys, 2
D-Day-28 Feb 06
Divorced-24 March 06 (no contest D)
Separated from Air Force - 30 Apr 06
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 287
2
213601 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
2
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 287
Morning Everybody.

Thank you LA for the insight, you make a lot of sense, like always.


Quote:
“When are you going to let go your control freakishness enough to understand you cannot control, cure or cause her anything? Not by being a great guy or a bad guy or a normal human being? Why do YOU choose to go around this mulberry bush and avoid reality?”


I do get that part, I do know that I cannot control her or anybody; I’m trying to figure out
The unrealistic state of fog that all WS breath, I’m just trying to shine some light for her to see the dark road she is taking, and the price of her choices, before she hits rock bottom.

I just needed to know what that fog is so I can shine the light towards it.

May be it’s the need to know how everything works in me, that wants to know.
I remember when I was a kid I used to take my toys apart to know how they work,
After a few tries I used to put them back together, and fix them when they brake.

That explains why I became an engineer. I’m a very logic oriented guy, very close to being autistic.

Quote:
“She is making her choices based on HERSELF. Not you. Tell me, when you turned yourself around, got into the marriage and stopped LBing, began working on the marriage...were you doing that for HER or for you?

Then why wouldn't her choices be about HER?”

Thank you for pointing this out.

Hi McBecca.

Thank you very much for sharing you have no idea how much I appreciate your input,
You are fresh out of the fire FWW, and you have been trough a lot, wish you had found that site, a year ago you would have saved yourself some agony.

Live and learn, and you have learned the hard way.
Keep up the good work; you have a great husband, keep him.


Papa.

I read your story, I see your pain, but you are doing great now, keep your head up high,
And the way your EXWW is acting you made the right decision.
One day she will regret this, you can count on it.

Tony.


BH 44
WW 40
2KIDS DD 6, DS 7
MARRIED 13 YRS.
STORY THREAD http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...fpart=1&vc=

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
2 members (2 invisible), 26 guests, and 60 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mwid, Shepherd, alg, Pelican89, SRL
71,672 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,526
Posts2,322,549
Members71,673
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5