I've been on this website for several months as I've tried to figure out how to handle the complete mess I've made. I'm 31 have three young children and made the choice to engage in what was first an emotional affair that easily turned into a physical affair. I'm the wandering wife, the other woman, the person that has the happiness of so many people, innocent spouses and children all wrapped up in her selfish desire. Having read the responses to so many others, I know many of you will berate my selfishness, etc, etc. And I couldn't agree more. But for now, I'm not going to read those, because the depression is so great, I can't pile on any more than what I've told myself every waking moment since the beginning of this. I know I will need to tell my husband, but I really need to try and understand how I got here in the first place. I feel used, I feel like a slut, and I'm terrified at what this means about me. I'm your typical strong Catholic that no one would ever imagine this happening to. I sort of think that was the intrigue by the OM. I feel like such an idiot. My poor babies, and my innocent spouse have a slut for a mother and wife. How do you tell them that? Especially when you can't understand it yourself?

Welcome to MB. I'm glad you've decided to join us. But please stop w/the negative talk about yourself. You'll find that a person who has always had the utmost character can find themselves in an A given the right circumstance.

I would like to correct something in your statement though --

You need to tell your H now! Then, the two of you TOGETHER can figure out how you got here. But he needs to be told first & foremost. Do not hide this from him any longer! He has the right to know & it's pretty presumptuous of you to assume he can't handle the news. You'd be surprised at what his reaction might be.

Most wayward spouses (WS) think their S's will divorce them once they find out. As you know from reading the forums, that couldn't be further from the truth in most cases. Please do not be like my H who kept a ONS (one night stand) from me for 8 years & then his last EA I had to find out on my own.

You will find that most BS's want honesty first & foremost. Most want to be hurt by the truth rather than be deceived by a lie. Trust me, he will be MORE hurt by you keeping it from him than by actually coming out & confessing.

{{{MAM}}}}

Welcome. I suggest you go to Mass tomorrow, and to confession. Then you need to have no more contact with the other man.

Purchase and read the book, "After an Affair", and it will give you a detailed look at the effects of an affair, and how those effects may be dealt with in an effective way. I'm sure you've been given a look at some of the devastation affairs cause the BS, but the book above will describe the effects on both parties, and is a very insightful read.

You will need to take the necessary steps to stop seeing your A partner, and learn to deal with the fact you may never contact them again, ever. You should write a no-contact letter, based on some that are available on these forums, or in Harley's book, "Surviving an Affair". Your Husband should approve of the letter, and he, or both of you should mail it together.

One step toward repentance would be a confession to the OM's wife, a difficult, but totally brave step on your behalf. Another confession of sorts, but a big step in regaining your self esteem, and coming clean.

Lots of work to do, and healing to take place, but these forums are one of the best places to get advice and support. As a "wayward spouse", you may even get some insensitive posts from those who have been betrayed, but if your skin is thick enough, and you mind open enough, you can survive this affair.

Best wishes,
SD

I've been on this website for several months as I've tried to figure out how to handle the complete mess I've made.

when you find yourself in a hole you've dug ... the first step is to put down the shovel

I'm 31 have three young children and made the choice to engage in what was first an emotional affair that easily turned into a physical affair. I'm the wandering wife, the other woman, the person that has the happiness of so many people, innocent spouses and children all wrapped up in her selfish desire.

you certainly are powerfu, aren't you? I bet you did not realize just how powerful & important a person you were until you created a mess of GREAT power

.... reflect on this for awhile
.... in your mind repeat to yourself, or, write in your journal

"I have power here"

Having read the responses to so many others, I know many of you will berate my selfishness, etc, etc. And I couldn't agree more. But for now, I'm not going to read those, because the depression is so great, I can't pile on any more than what I've told myself every waking moment since the beginning of this.

did you know that you even have POWER to end the depression?

THAT makes you the MOST powerful woman you know !!!!

reflect on THAT as well

I know I will need to tell my husband,

I'd much rather hear you say in your powerful voice

"I know I am going to tell my husband"

but I really need to try and understand how I got here in the first place.

actually, it's pretty simple ... you mis-used your power because you did not respect how powerful you actually are !

YOU have your "finger on the trigger" .... and that makes you the person who has the power & the control in this situation

I feel used, I feel like a slut,

feelings are ever-changing
did you know you can change your feelings about yourself by changing your behavior?

... guess who has the POWER to change your feelings about being used & a slut?

.... you guessed it ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

and I'm terrified at what this means about me.

... actually, it means you have a functioning conscience!

a good woman would feel crappy about being in your position

a not-so-good woman would defend her choices !!!

think about that too!

I'm your typical strong Catholic that no one would ever imagine this happening to.

WRONG ... I personally know the Catholic church is filled with sinners every week ... you think you are immune to sin because you have a faith?

huh?

I sort of think that was the intrigue by the OM.

the OM's character is immaterial to all of this

you wanted to be "bad"
so you were
being "bad" was exciting
like driving very very fast
being "bad" was exhilarating

and just like speeding down the road ... being "bad" is accepting the risks you know exist for your choices

your conscious is trying to get you to put on the brakes and STOP

I feel like such an idiot.

[color:"red"]have you been using rubbers when having sex with OM?[/color]

My poor babies, and my innocent spouse have a slut for a mother and wife. How do you tell them that? Especially when you can't understand it yourself?

well .... the depression ought to be added to that list

actually ....
your depression is what is greatly hurting your family right now

your family needs you to be a woman who recognizes she is powerful

once you really come to grips with just how powerful YOU are

you can chose to channel your power to either create a peaceful loving home


or not

the question your thread title asks is: [color:"red"]Where do I start? [/color]

the first step is telling yourself how powerful you are

Pep

I've known all along that I had the power to stop it. That it had to be me to be the one to stop it, and I wanted so badly to do it, at so many points of all of this. But I also loved the "feeling" of the romantic hunt. I'll be the first to admit that I've bowed at the alter of my feelings for a long long time. And I hate that part of me. I hate that I could do this to another woman, our children, my spouse. I did not know I was capable of such blatant selfishness. Part of me wants to tell the story to you all, but I don't want it to be perceived as trying to justify why it happened. I feel dead inside, spriritually, emotionally---and wonder if it wouldn't be better for all for that to be the case. But I have small children, one with a genetic cancer who depends on me. I have a husband who believes he has a wife of character, but he has a wife who is a sell out, all for a feeling. God, it's sick. And the thing is, if this man called me right now, I know I would "FEEL" happy. I'm really screwed up.

By the way--wanting to be bad, enjoying being bad was a major part of this. I started to feel in my mind that always trying to do the right thing, and be the person others wanted me to be, was no longer worth it. The thing is I"VE turned into a person I never wanted to be.

if you plant bad seeds
any fruit
will not be sweet

[color:"red"]do you use rubbers when having sex with OM?[/color]

suicide
the ultimate selfish act

Now that you've recognized that, start turning yourself into a person that you know you can be.

I'm going to be frank w/you here, mam. Please forgive me if it's offensive when you read it. It's not intended that way but it's something you need to hear. Feeling sorry for yourself is not going to change anything. Taking action is what is going to change things. You cannot undo what you've done. You can't take it back. It happened. However, YOU are responsible for what happens from this time forward. Just like Pep said (love ya Pep! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />), YOU have the power to stop this & turn your life around for the better. How do you do that?

You're going to need to take some very powerful steps right now. Make a decision TODAY to start your life on a different path than the one you've been taking. You do not need to be dead spiritually. Ask God for forgiveness & ACCEPT it when He gives it to you. He WILL give it to you. Then, after you're done that, go to your H & tell him that you've been unfaithful. Show him in word & deed that you would like to build a new M with him. Write a NC letter to that OM & tell him that you want to recover your M.

Is it going to be hard? YES! Is it going to be bumpy? YES! Is it going to take a lot of courage? YES! But what you'll have after you're finished is a new wholesome person with INTEGRITY & you also might have a new, better M that you never dreamed possible.

YOU HAVE THE POWER TO DO THIS!!!!

yes, we used protection.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

madeamess...have you found the strength to embark on this journey???

SD

I HAVE to agree. Please tell your BS now!!

Give your BS the dignity of hearing about your A from YOU. This is the most loving thing you can do for him and for your kids/family.

Most WS think the BS cant handle the truth. The truth is that that is a very selfish and wrong way of thinking. We CAN handle it and we DESERVE to know the truth.
Hearing and telling the truth, is really the best and only way to full recovery. For both people.

Please. If you are indeed honest about wanting to save your M, tell your H. He deserves at least that much respect.