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Joined: Jul 2005
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Hi Olive,

I am very sorry that you are at this painful point in your life. It is a difficult time for you... my Wife also came to this point and had some difficult decisions to make. I will not judge you, but I do want to understand... because it will help me understand more of what my Wife went through.

I remember many times in my life when I was about to make a tough decision, and in most cases I was given advice (generally from my Father) which I ignored. Don't move away to University, it will be more difficult to apply myself... I moved and dropped out. Don't buy the new car right now... it is too expensive... I bought and have regretted it ever since. Don't get married too young... I got married too young...

My point is that my words or anyone else here relaying there experiences will not change your mind. We think we know what is best for you based upon our own experiences but that is something that you need to find out and figure out on your own.

I could talk about how there is medical proof that an extra-marital relationship is mostly a chemical reaction in your brain which stimulates fantastic feelings... like an addictive drug. But this will not register as truth to you right now.

I could talk about all the positive things I've learned about your Husband... how confident and loving he seems. How intelligent and funny he is. How he is so caring for his children. How strong he is emotionally... and how loyal and compassionate he is to fight for his marriage. I can even talk about how patient he is. But I know that none of this will mean anything to you right now. You will see him as arrogant, controlling, selfish, manipulative... and the list goes on. Is that the man you married?

I could tell you about the devastation to your children that a divorce will cause. But this is not relevant... we have all heard about how kids can be great in these situations as long as both parents show them the love they require. I'm sure you know a bunch of these kids... they must all be in your neck of the woods, because I don't know any. I have only seen pain and loss, and hidden wounds which develop into painful behaviours in the future. But of course, your kids will be just fine... they have a loving father to take care of them. And you will still be in there lives of course with all the love that your lover will shower on them. I'm sure that he will want to be like a father to them. Your kids will understand why you left their Daddy for this new man. They will be better off with two fathers, won't they... and two mother's when your Husband eventually finds someone else.

Everyone is judging you. We don't understand how you could possibly feel. Let me try for my own sake.

You have lived your married life with the wrong man. He has not supported you or loved you exactly how you wanted him to. He has been busy with his career and now, with three kids, your life has been just running and feeding, and cleaning, and working. When do you get time for yourself? When do you get to be number one? When do you get the love and attention that you... that everyone deserves?

You have met someone else and it is different. He understands you. He listens and cares about you. He has all the qualities you admire that your Husband doesn't have. You have tried to follow everyone's expectations and stay with your family, but you cannot stop thinking about him. Am I right so far? He fills your mind, your heart and your soul... what is that famous saying from Tom Cruise...He completes you? No one understands that you have not just run out on your family. You have spent a lot of time agonizing over this. You have cried and prayed. You have looked at all the pros and cons. You have searched for answers. It feels right to be with this new man and you deserve to be happy. That is what life is about, isn't it... to find happiness. That is what God wants for each of us?

I am in the position that your Husband is in, so you might think that I am just belittling you or covering up my judgement. The fact is that because I am in this same situation, I have done my homework. I have read and read and read. I believe I do understand a little of what you are feeling... and you know what... I believe your Husband does as well. That is why he is being so patient and willing to fight for his family even though he has been so hurt by all of this.

Are you hurting?... of course you are. Probably just as much or more than your Husband... but in a different way and for different reasons.

I think I do understand a little of how you are feeling.

But I just have a couple of questions...

You will not remember it clearly, because it has been blurred by time, but didn't you feel a similar way when your Husband and you were deciding to be married? I know that things have changed over the past 8 years... life has got in the way and both of you have changed. But wasn't it a similar feeling... you couldn't stop thinking about him and you couldn't wait to start your life together?

What happens in your new life with your new lover when life starts to get in the way? The days of romance will turn to days of working, bills, juggling schedules for visitation of your children, business trips away... but this time apart from each other. You will always wonder when your new husband is away on trips... will he be with someone else like he was with you? My MIL married a second husband in a similar situation as yours... I saw the mistrust from both of them. She could not leave the house without him phoning to check on where she was... and likewise for him. What happens when this honeymoon is over? Where will your life be? How will you feel then? What will your children think? Will you just live with the consequences of your choices then and continue on amidst the devastation?

I know... this won't happen to you. You can make it work because you love each other. Like I said at the top of this letter, we often choose to go ahead with decisions which are bad for us amidst advice to the contrary, because we believe it will be different and that we need to experience it ourselves.

The problem here... it is not just you that is experiencing it. Your children, your husband, your family, your coworkers, your friends, and you... you are all experiencing it. You will all be affected by it.

It hurts too much to stay? I can promise you that it will hurt far worse if you leave.

Will it be easy if you stay? He!! no! But you can be proud of the person you will become walking up this mountain, getting past every peak and valley with your family as opposed to the person you will be if you take the easy road and leave your family.

You may not feel that you love your Husband enough right now, or that he will never get over this. But there is hope on both counts.

Have faith and patience. Choose well for your future... not just what feels good right now. This is a lifetime to get through and your choices now will forever change your life.

Are you willing to live with your choices?

Good luck.

You have a good man waiting for you. And three kids who need you. They will learn from your choices... teach well.

Shaden


BH (Me) - 38
WW - 36
Married - 16 years
2 children - 10,12
DD1 - 05/30/05 - EA suspected, W wanted space
DD2 - 07/01/05 - EA/PA discovered & confronted WW
DD3 - 07/21/05 - Further contact discovered and now ended.
11/07/05 - exposed to OMW...
07/01/07 - separated to give "space". recovery was not progressing.
09/04/07 - DDAY all over... new OM.

Patience with God is Faith.
Patience with myself is Hope.
Patience with others is Love.
FAITH REQUIRES ACTION!
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Olive,
Hello. I am writing to as a hurt spouse whose Wife has no idea up to this point of the devastation that she has visited upon our family.

Although i shouldnt try to reason it out ........i do.

The funny thing it all boils down to her. What she wants ,needs and desires.

The funny thing is that these are not bad impulses. How we carry them out though can be the deciding factor.

I never really knew how much i loved my wife till this incident and even now willing to hug her tightly with open arms.

She is precious to me and it has nothing to do with the PA or RA that was done, it has to do with the promise i made before God to protect her and honour her, love and cherish.

Jay may not be the best thing to happen in your life and he may not be your ideal. But stop and think for a moment.

Your children......your husband......your life as you know it.......gone.

For what?.....is it worth it?........can you smile with satisfaction at this accomplishment?

the funny thing is i now hurt MORE for my wife than i do myself. The torment,the agony of indecision, these must be overbearing. She has to own her "stuff" eventually, the actions she chose.

I am hurting for you now...i am no prophet....but a few years from now, either you will be very greatful or very,very lost,in pain,defeated.

Before you go though, please tell your childern the truth, they deserve it. let it come from you and not a third party.

I know that jay loves you enough that he will not say anything to them in this regards.

will be praying for you.....

i have already cried for you both.....it pains me to see something so special,never being given the chance to work.

God be with you.

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WOW, Mrs W, I cried!

Olive- I have struggled with writing to you, as I would give almost anything to have a husband who is as willing as Jay is to recover your marriage.

It is said that most people "affair down," that is, have affairs with people they never would give the time of day to otherwise. I didn't. Neither are you.

But as I felt the feelings that came with my A- the excitement, the "rush" of our phone calls and emails- checking all the time for a new message, planning and talking- I knew it was wrong.

And if you had talked to me of my marriage, I could have given you 50 reasons why my husband wasn't filling my needs and how OM was so much better and how we were meant to be.

But looking at my daughter, who want' quite a year at the time, I knew that I wasn't doing what was right. I knew I wasn't doing what my Heavenly Father would have me do. I knew I was killing my spiritual self in pursuit of worldly pleasures. But those pleasures were soooo strong! And OM knew just what to say! "Of course your husband doesn't understand you! I am here for you! We would be so good together! It's fine that you have children. I am the one to make you happy."

But it wasn't true. And luckily, my BH found out and went into nuclear mode. Threatened divorce, threatened to tell my first husband so he could get custody of my older children, threatened to go for complete custody of the baby.

Now, I knew that he couldnt' do all that, even if he really wanted to,but it was the wakeup call I needed.

It has not been easy. It's been almost 8 months of NC, struggling with that and crying for what I "lost," 8 months of this rollercoaster of does my husband want to stay married or not, 8 months of not knowing what my life is going to be like.

But it's also been 8 months of being with my children with an intact family. 8 months of repentance and becoming close to God again. 8 months of trying to show my husband that I truly love him and doing whatever I can to make up to him for what I did. 8 months of looking inward to myself to see what it was that made me vulnerable to an A. 8 months of becoming a stronger and better person, so that no matter how this turns out I am a better person.

I know the turmoil you're going through. I know you feel like you can never go back. And you're right. You have killed your old marriage. But you can build a NEW and BETTER marriage! One with mutual love and respect and one where you can stand together as a strong and faithful family.

I hope you do not destroy your family. The damage you will do to your children is unfathomable. I know where you are coming from, I know how hard it is to break free, but I also know how worth it it is and how much personal growth you will gain from the journey.

You know we have all been there- Marshmallow, Mrs W, McBecca, me- and we are all in various stages of recovery and discovery. Please join us, we welcome you with open arms.


Me FWW 36 BH 50 D-day 1 2/18/06 D-day 2 3/28/06 (same EA) NC 3/28/06 and going strong 7 total children Mine/ours live with us DS 15 DD 12 DD 21 months "With all it's shams, lies, and broken dreams, life is still wonderful. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy."
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This thread just takes my breath away...It makes my heart hurt to the core...So many wonderful people trying with so much empathy to help lead you back before it's too late Olive...

I'm not usually a "song poster", but as I read through all of these posts today, a song, by Lonestar, that has continually touched me through our journey and even through my own fog came to mind and I am compelled to post it...Here's hoping that it touches you in the same place that it still does me...

So, for Jay and Olive...

Let's Be Us Again

Tell me what I have to do tonight
Cause I'd do anything to make it right
Let's be us again
I'm sorry for the way I lost my head
I don't why I said the things I said
Let's be us again

Here I stand with everything to lose
All I know is I don't wanna ever see the end
Baby please, I'm reachin' out for you
Won't you open up your heart and let me come back in
Let's be us again
Us again

Look at me I'm way past pride
Isn't there some way that we can try
To be us again
Even if it takes a while
I'll wait right here until I see that smile
That says we're us again

Here I stand with everything to lose
All I know is I don't wanna ever see the end
Baby please, I'm reachin' out for you
Won't you open up your heart and let me come back in
Let's be us
Ohhh

Baby baby, what would I do
Can't imagine life without you

Here I stand with everything to lose
All I know is I don't wanna ever see the end
Baby please I'm reachin' out for you
Won't you open up your heart and let me come back in
Oh here I am I'm reachin' out for you
Won't you open up your heart and let me come back in
Let's be us again
Oh, let's be us again...


Sending knee mail up for the Heartsore Family...

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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quote:
"This thread just takes my breath away...It makes my heart hurt to the core...So many wonderful people trying with so much empathy to help lead you back before it's too late Olive..."

I'm in the same boat of HS, as you know my WW filed for D.

i hope she is still reading here, I wish she would understand, how much I understand her. and how much I want her to make the right choice.

thank you guys for responding.

Tony


BH 44
WW 40
2KIDS DD 6, DS 7
MARRIED 13 YRS.
STORY THREAD http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...fpart=1&vc=
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Thanks Big K and Mrs. W for letting me know who wrote that post. Just Peachy was before my time. But, THAT post struck me to the core when I read it. Truth has a way of doing that. LOL

Anyway, I just wanted to read what others had written here, and give it a bump up for Olive and others to read.

Like Mrs. W said, it is very moving to see how much love is being poured out on here.



Olive,

Many are praying for you. Please consider my sig line.


~ Marsh

Joined: Nov 2006
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Marsh, the love and support comes from people who have been there and have been hurt by that, as you well know....We are all just trying to help. I could never forgive myself if I would not have at least tried to help someone in need.


"You won't ever regret doing the right thing! Nobody ever does!" ~ Heartsore
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Ditto NTL.

You know.....We are hurting to one degree or another,yet i will put mine aside to help Jay anytime.
Our fight is right, noble and PURE.

Its not control but compassion.
ADULTRY(affairs are such nice words) does not make it right for the offender to destroy a family.

The choice to FORGIVE and LOVE can only come from GOD and to see jay trying to do such deserves anyones help.

Let it never be said that we never gave our best to support BOTH OLIVE and JAY during this challenging and traumatic time.

Olive .........love God , the rest will flow.

I love you.

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Olive,
None of these people have ever met you, but they know you better than you think. They have been in our situation, one way or another, many of them from both perspectives. Most of them have recovered because of the Harleys... there's a reason why he has so many successful books on affair recovery... they are also the best marriage counselors... we can still turn this around. I know that for you to do this you will have to swallow a lot of pride, especially after the spectacle you've fabricated at work... but our children are worth every ounce of our effort, don't you think?

Your Husband (for at least another 12-14 months),
Jay

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Olive,
Last night you were nasty to me, but not sure why. I understand that you are caught between what Mr.BigPants is asking you to do and what your children's eyes and smiles are asking you to do. But this situation you are in has nothing to do with me... even though you think it has everything to do with me. I also understand that you wish I would just roll over and let the family dismantle. You understand that I will not give up on this family or marriage. I promised you I never would and I promised your family that I never would. I married you for life and I took vows accordingly. I have the character to honor my word, as I have done throughout our marriage (and prior). I know that THIS ISN'T YOU, but that THIS is WHAT YOU have done. The question now is what will you do next? When you're ready we can put the past behind us and we can build something new, something better. If you need us to move to have a fresh start, we can....

Your Husband,
HS


BH = Me 38; WW = 35; DS = 5, DD = 3, DD = 14 mo.
Feb 2006 = EA/PA started
May 19 & Aug. 15, 2006 = D-Days
Nov. 3, 2006 = Divorce Papers - (EA/PA ongoing)
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When I was a child, a church that my mother had attended from birth was going to be torn down. It was a beautiful old church, but for whatever reason, there were people in power bound and determined to have it torn down.

My grandfather served on the council of that church and refused to attend the meeting where they "decided" to tear it down. He knew he would be expected to vote a certain way, and he didn't want to vote that way. So he stayed home. My uncle loaned the business truck to the church crews to remove the stained glass windows from the church, and the gold-edged paintings that their ancesters had painstakingly built into their beloved church 100 years before...

My uncle reasoned that they could come to their senses and put the windows and the paintings back in place.

On the morning that the wrecking ball was due to fly, my grandfather stayed in the barn to milk the cows; he couldn't bear to look across the valley at the scene - my uncle says that it was when they started knocking out the bricks around the cornerstones that he says - well - they can't put those back - the building's going to fall.

Olive - you are fast approaching the point of no return on the destruction of your marriage. Your husband has been kind, and patient with you beyond what you expected and beyond what anyone would expect. But you are approaching the point of pulling at the primary supporting bricks on your life's structure - not just that of your marriage, but the supporting bricks on your children's tender fabric of life. You are about to scar their innocence for the rest of their lives. That structure - that safe family structure will never be there for them again if you proceed with what you have set in motion.

Jay praises your intelligence and I really want to give you credit for having it. But this behavior, (for a daughter of a divorced, unfaithful father and a mother who married a beast afterwards) is less than worthy of such praise.

Please turn the wrecking ball away. I hope you find peace in church tomorrow, because I don't know how many more commandments or beatitudes you could break with any sort of conscience. But then again, I can't imagine a woman of conscience could look in the faces of her children and do what you have done and continue to escalate. God bless you with a renewal of conscience!


Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1

The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"?

The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!"

If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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It isn't too late Olive!

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