Hi Chivers...I remember...



...OK....just don't use it as an 'excuse' for contact... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

...and....??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

great thread girls!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

OOOUUUUSHHHHHH......was that a bird?...a plane?

No! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

It was PEP!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Luna,

Thanks for taking the time to review my post. It really is true, about meeting someone who I never knew before. I have changed so much since I was in my 20's. Alot has happened in a decade. Back then, I was so sure of everything, so stubborn. Today, I will still fight for what I believe in, but I take the time to examine what that may be, and don't go rushing judgement. I had gone so deep within myself, from the resentment, and anger, that I have had a hard time extracting myself. I have just recently found a more soothing calm, so that I am able to actually think.

I did have a sort of related question having to do with the stress involved with A's, separation, and such struggles. I have noticed that my memory, however poor it was before, has gotten MUCH worse. I'm having a hard time remembering easy things, like celebrities names (I can see their faces, but can remember their names for a second or two or not at all). I forget what I did last night, and have to ACTIVELY think about it before recall. Have you suffered any of this? I plan on talking to my doc about it when I go for my checkup in Jan, but wanted to know if anyone else has experienced this.

I read about PTSD today, in regards to war veterans, and they suffer from memory loss, but once the stress is relieved they regain most of the memory. I'm just wondering...

Ignored WS - but feeling very vulnerable at the mo - but very inspired by your earlier thread

Update.

WS left a phone message saying that he needs to 'talk me' about his life insurance.

I emailed him this reply:

«Unless you inform me that your A with OW has ended, if you cannot communicate information to me by either a phone message or a note, than you should consider finding an intermediary.»

...financial security is important to me....but my dignity is even more so!

I know that this week WS 'missed' being there for OS at one of his hockey matches...WS will 'miss' celebrating both boys' birthday, in a way....because, even if he 'underscores' them in any way, the boys' 'real' party with invitation to friends, etc. will be happening at the house this weekend.... in fact....I suspect WS sees very little of boys' friends....as they only invite them when with me..... and I take full advantage of enjoying seeing my boys interact with their friends...getting to know them, etc. and I get a kick out of planning their little birthday parties this weekend.... although I will have my 'hands full' doing it solo, it's such a pleasure seeing my boys grow!

The cost of the A to WS continues and will continue to rise..... doubt it will be enough to 'wake him' up.... but WS always hated any sense of 'exclusion'.....and if I were him....would have a difficult time realizing and accepting that he put HIMSELF in that position!!

...I am sure WS is going to figure out a way to BLAME me...LOL!

After over one year and half of being in PLAN B, I think WS is JUST starting to realize that I am dead serious about the N/C with him as long as OW is in the picture....I am definitely NOT following his 'timeline' about 'getting over it' so that we can get on with 'friendly co-parenting'...... while at the same time, I will assume that things are not necessary getting 'rosier' in lalaland!

To be continued.....

Yep...he's definitely HUNGRY for a PIECE OF CAKE...meaning that there's some suffering over there from which he is trying to find relief...

Of course he has no need to TALK to you about LIFE INSURANCE...

As you are anticipating, he will likely become more DESPERATE...

Wonder what he will come up with next?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for posting Mimi...

I think WS 'tolerated' N/C during the holidays last year because I guess he 'understood' my not wanting to see him...with me being in pain and all....and besides, he was too busy celebrating his 'release' from what he called a 'prison'....yep...WS needed to perceive HIS little family as such to go through with his 'choices'.....

I guess, WS now figures that this has gone on long enough...and yes...MIMI...I do believe he underestimated the PAIN of being excluded from 'family' activities..... (he will be missing OS's 16th birthday party!)... particularly if the 'high' of A is faultering in any way....

...and could this actually be a 'permanent' thing???


I am sure in his mind....this holiday season he had planned on spending some 'family' time together, at his convenience, of course...

What are WS's thinking??? That what all BS's do is roll over and die??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Geeeshhhh..... even our friends think he should have known better, KNOWING ME! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I have a feeling that this is my WH's point of view. Hey, that's fine with me, as long as I'M free from HIM (WH) and the 'prison' that he had designed for HIS family.

I don't see the point of having any contact with WH EVER again (outside of 'things' having to do with DS). I'm sure that I will be painted as some shrew because of my unwillingness to be friends 'for the childrens sake', but what do I care what his friends think of me. They obviously don't care what happens to either his son or myself, so I don't give much thought to how I will be portrayed in the end. I also don't want to teach my son that you befriend those that betray you and treat you with utter disregard and disrespect. My R with his father has nothing to do with the love that I have for my child.

Luna,
You are awesome...I admire your integrity and strength and plan on taking the same road. We left WH alone on Bday and Thanksgiving but since this is the first Christmas I agreed to do a few "family" activities for the sake of the kids. I have already stated that immediately post Christmas there will be no more "family" activities since my family does not include him. My children will have to choose whether or not they want to spend time with WH...my oldest refuses unless I am present but I will have to reinforce that he is not my dad and chooses not to be a part of my life but that if he chooses to try and continue to be a part of hers that she can spend time and not feel guilty, however if she chooses not to spend time that is her choice.

It is much to confusing to the kids to have "family" time and gives false hope while WH cake eats.

WH actually specifically asked for a piece of cake today to which I replied it would have to be the entire cake with adherance to conditions or it would be no cake at all...surprise...he opted to go cakeless until he is "doubt-free". LOL

Keep on being tough Luna, you are inspirational!

nice thread girls

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Just got back on the Board!

Had a VERY busy week....both of my boys' Bdays...tired but very happy to have been able to provide a terrific 'setting' for the boys to enjoy themselves with their friends... both were a little uncomfortable with all the 'work' I was putting in....but,hey, I told them....it's MY PLEASURE! ....managed to survive a 24-hr stint with a bunch of 11 yr olds... I am very proud of myself...

...I would definitely say that I am doing great with the 'damage control'...boys really enjoyed themselves..... too bad for WS....he's really missing out on a LOT!



Hi SL,

Yep...I agree with 100%!



Hi 2much,

....I don't know...it's going to be tough....just for the sake of the kids? ...are you trying to 'avoid' the pain or put it off?.... it might backfire....and actually create even more pain.... because you won't feel like a 'family' if separating right after!

Welcome back Luna,

Glad the boy's parties went well. Too bad for WS missing out...his loss!



I instituted the no "family" time this week and when he came to see kids I left. He still feels he is entitled to know my whereabouts and it annoys me that he even asks. I am direct and honest but feel like I need to be frank and tell him it is none of his business...I don't ask a single question of him. I have nothing to hide so I could care less if he knows what/where I go...I have been the sole provider for these kids for the past year in all aspects so it is not like I am out partying. He is so P/A that I don't want to give him any bait to complicate things further but will have to tell him next time he asks that if he wants to know what I do and where I go then maybe he should live with me otherwise it is none of his worry.

I am trying to force myself out of this depression I have fallen into...I am doing fun stuff with the kids, taking care of myself and getting lots of home improvements done during my down time. Just started back to working out. I know lots of it is the unknown of where I will be moving to in June, how quickly I choose to dissolve the M etc. I was dead set on plan D but have recently been wondering after doing lots of reading if I wouldn't be served just as well with a LSA and force WH to file if that is what he wants. He is such a cake eater that I feel LSA would only be yet another enabler so...I have to make a decision to have any peace of mind.

How have you held out so long and been so strong? Did you go to any single parenting support groups or anything like that? I'm not a big fan but have been mentally reviewing resources and tools to get through this and was just wondering how others have done it?

Hi 2much,



My WS was blatantly upfront about A after D-day....so that the contrast between WS and S were extreme....and I soooooo do not want to have anything to do with WS.....that it has made it easier for me to stay in PLAN B! (....actually.... kiwibrit's current WS behaviour reminds me a bit of my WS!)

Other than the MB board, I am not part of any other support group... but if you can be, the more the merrier!

...one of the things I have found very helpful is to NOT purposely place myself in situations where I KNOW triggers will happen...and work hard at creating 'new memories' with the boys... and giving myself 'down' time!...

...and hanging around on the TKO thread, of course! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Good luck, 2much....it does get better!

Would like your opinion on a request made by WS:

The night of Dec. 31 for the last several years that we were a 'family' we were invited to sleep over and share it with another family - friends that we don't see very often but have known for a long time that have 'family' values....

It so happens that on Dec. 31st it is WS that has the boys with him....and I know for a fact that, because friend called me about it, since the children do enjoy each other's company, they are inviting WS and boys...but mostly are doing it for the children....

WS has left me a message telling me that he is not 'comfortable' going there (...yeah...right... with them.... and any of our friends who make life choices that don't support his!) ....I know for a fact he now 'looks up' to men that basically are WSs! ...to avoid being 'confronted' about his own choices!

I care about my friends very much....but I also know for a fact that I would rather work on making 'new history' with them.... maybe invite them over the week after..or even them sleeping over if they don't mind doing some 'camping'... and since the boys were scheduled to come 'home' the day after... I am taking the direction of suggesting that WS 'drop them off a day earlier' as I will be more than happy to celebrate the NEW YEAR with my boys! ...and the ****** with WS....he can 'ring in' the new year with OW..... might as well make his priorities clear.... he has chosen OW over his family.... why hide it!

...one could say that I am accommodating WS...OTOH.... I will not have WS 'impose' OW on Dec. 31st on the boys (nor...as if has threatened to do...go to our friends with HER!) if I can help it... and I will certainly enjoy ringing in the New Year with my boys! ....could not have asked for better company!

Update:

Went ahead and just suggested to WS, to keep it simple, that boys just come home 'one day earlier'....

Comments, please.

Except for the odd 'accidental exception', and inspite of WS's attempts, I have now not spoken nor seen WS for over a year and half.

Just had lunch with a friend...who also knows WS...who told me that by chance he had seen WS and OW... it was just a few sentences....didn't even go into details...because I made sure...very quickly moved on to another subject...

...what I did realize is that even after THAT long of not seeing or talking to WS....it really hurts to hear any news about him and in particular when in the same breath OW comes up....

I don't want to make WS a taboo conversation with our common friends....I know that some are very uncomfortable about the whole situation already...and I don't want to make them even more uncomfortable....and they easily drop the subject seeing that I don't want to pursue it, as all are aware of my PLAN B....

I am a little discouraged to see how quickly the PAIN comes to the surface...

How long will this last? ...until I work my way up to a D? ....until I am in a new R? ...but I am little discouraged because I don't see myself anywhere near any of those two events... and so I see PAIN coming up often...too often...and at times....I am tired of it!

...I would have thought that after one and half years...the pain at the mention of WS and OW....would not be as 'raw' as it is....

...but then...my family was everything to me.... and I guess it depends how great the loss is...and in my case....it is HUGE! ...that and the holiday season...a killer of a combination, I guess!

....I know that I am in PLAN B limboland....and I need to be patient with myself...and give myself all the time I need...to heal....but I also know that deep down I still have 'hope' that my H will someday 'turn up'....and I don't know what it will take to let go of that 'hope'...because I wonder if that's what it will take for the PAIN to subside a bit more!

...I guess that is the one main difference between S becoming a WS or in case of an actual death of S.... you can mourn and move on in case of S's death because it is 'permanent'.....OTOH...with a WS....you can hold on to 'hope' because, technically, S is still alive...then there is the pain knowing the fact that WS has 'chosen' to leave his family, unlike death!

...but to be honest...this is all new to me....at my age...I had never had to live with a 'constant pain' in my heart....I can manage to push it waaaaay off in the corner.... but I cannot make it go away.... and a mere nothing will bring it to the forefront......

...I miss my H soooo much, and doing activities as a family....and I would think my boys do, too....about the only one who seems not to....is WS in lalaland with OW!

...WS seems also be 'integrating' OW more and more....with the boys...friends...his family....and I guess...out of shear habit....they will learn to 'accept' her....

Right this minute...I feel shame at the thought of being his WIFE! ....I wish I was anything BUT.....

It's just one of those moments.....I know....it will pass...I guess I am just TIRED of the 'moments'... there have been so many of them...

I really don't know what I would do if I couldn't come to the Board to share....and knowing that many many of you here KNOW what I am talking about!

I had a very busy month of December....both boys' birthdays, family get-togethers (no longer happening), D-day anniversary....

I guess I may be just a bit tired... I am glad December will end soon... nothing better than getting back to the 'regular' routine...and have less things and time to think about....

I think I will end here... in case some of you are actually reading this.

Bye.

((((lUNA))))

I WANT TO WRING YOUR WH'S NECK..ALONG WITH EAV'S AND SLAMMED'S....

I'm saying a special prayer for you right now....

Yes....PLEASE DO, Mimi... (particularly the 'wringin neck' part!)

WHAT would I do if I did not have PLAN B to 'protect' me... the man has NO IDEA of the pain he is causing....

...NO I D E A!

...and I know you have been there Mimi...I am glad to know that you have 'moved on' to happier times!

(((((Luna)))))

I second Mimi's suggestions.

Like you, I recently got another dagger in the heart from WH. He called the house thinking he was calling his OW. WHOOOOOOPS! YEOOOOUCH! It was a most painful couple of weeks post call. I broke Plan B and spoke with him, telling him many things that I had longed to do, very calmly; he said he would be calling; I said that he needs to reread PBL, as it states conditions of us having any contact. I did a slight LB by telling him that I would not wish the pain caused by his actions on anyone, ever. He broke down a bit, but I know, He will not be calling.

The pain felt just like all of the other pains caused with WH, fresh, new, grating, unrelenting. I feel much better now, but realize that I may never have H again. The 'hope' has definitely taken a huge hit. I feel that as long as I love him, I will have pain. I must let him go, physically, emotionally, and legally. I will remain in Plan B, but I am definitely reaching a point where I believe a D is the best thing for all involved, and maybe it is selfish of me, but I just can't see myself holding on to what doesn't exist.

I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL RIGHT NOW!!! I have such great respect for you, for how you have handled this hideous situation.