bumped...for the curious (and specifically to update Nams and BigK...)

Hope both of you are doing OK, and would appreciate an update on you two, too!

bumpin up for luna

Hey luna!!

You are awesome!!

You know you are a success story here! You are so strong now, ready to move on, and have all the skills for the best new relationship ever. That IS after you are D'd

You have dome all the right things and been a stellar person in all this.

I am sorry to hear your news, you fought the good fight and are a MB story, and a good one. I mourn with you, and for your family. You have so been there for your sons. ((((hugs))))

I know you are going to wait until after this is all over to form any new romantic interests?

You are WORTHY!!!

Just think about all the wonderful things you will bring to the table in your next R. Not TOO soon tho. LOL.

You know what is healthiest for you and sons. You are the best!!!

God Bless you,

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Hi Miss M,

Thanks for posting.

I don't know if I am a success story... but I certainly feel like one.... and bottom line... I guess that is what matters!


Don't worry.... I am in no rush at all.....as a matter of fact... I am enjoying being on my 'own' and discovering about myself.... and may do so for awhile....except for some feelings of loneliness here and there....with which I have found 'healthy' ways to deal with (going to see a movie, seeing friends, a good book, a walk in the park..)....I don't find it so bad being on my own.... or at least.... until someone 'worthy' comes along....LOL!

Rather than 'lower' my standards...by learning more about myself...my boundaries..what I value in life... the choice in a 'new' partner is going to be really easy... he will either cut it, or not!...... 'share' my values and respect my boundaries.. or not!.... questions will have to be answered and committments will have to be made..... before a new relationship moves forward to any 'other' level....

...I am the first to say that I am quite surprised to hear myself say that I have actually become quite comfortable facing the 'unknown' these days.... it keeps me on my toes! ...it forces me to stay in the 'present'.... which, when we come down to it, is what matters.... can't change the past... can't really predict or control the future.... so??? I'll stick to the present.... and try to make the best of each moment, each hour, each day... it's really the only way to live... and if I were to go back to three years ago (just before D-day).... I would never have believed I would be where I am today! ....I always said that reality can surpass imagination any day.... in this case, I would have preferred being wrong!

...and you are corrct, Miss M.... I will be bringing a lot to the table in my next relationship.... in what I have to offer.... and in what I will expect..... if I have learned one thing about myself is..... I think I can be a quick 'learner' when it comes to saving me some.... pain...LOL!

One thing hasn't changed, though... I can go on and on and on....

....and to think.... the holidays are just around the corner... and I am still feeling quite chirpy and grateful .... who would have thought? ...and if I am dreaming...please don't wake me up!

Hugs to all.

You'll get no pinches from me. Luna, you sound wonderful. Plan B did wonders for you! You ARE a success. Thanks for posting your update. Happy Holidays to you!

Update.

Last night, the 23rd of dec., the boys and I 'celebrated' x-mas together and Santa Claus arrived one day early (because DS 12 was going over dad's today)

Tonight it is the 24th....DS 17 and I had a quiet supper, and he has now gone over to spend the evening with a friend....

As I am typing this note.....I am alone, but I am also at a very peaceful and happy place:

I have the Board to come to if I want to catch up on people I care about, offer support or write you guys this little update

I have a couple of books that I have found very interesting which I could consider continue reading... or catch up on a couple of good movies I taped but have not yet gotten around to seeing....

But most of all, what I find surprising....seeing that D-day was 3 years ago over the holidays.... is that the holiday season so far has not been a 'major trigger' as it had been the previous 2 years....and no rollercoaster ride in sight!

I am here...in the present.... appreciating the 'time' I have alone.... getting I kick at trying to decide what I want to do.....without being accountable to anything and anyone....appreciating that tomorrow I don't have to go into work..... and that I will have yet again... 'time' on my hands to do whatever I want... and maybe 'doing nothing' may just be what the doctor ordered....

IT IS ALL a matter of perspective..... it really is.... and I am here to offer hope to those that are in pain right now.... that with some effort and patience...and by continuing to put one foot in front of the other..... you CAN 'turn it all around'...believe me... just hang in there!

((((((((((((((((((((NEWBIE BSs)))))))))))))))))))

Oh Luna,

Thank you for saying that. I can't imagine ever NOT feeling that horrible pain inside of me. The pain that makes you want to just not feel anything more, and to be honest, if it weren't for my kids, I would have done something awhile ago.

I'm trying so hard to find joy in life, I really am. I do everything that everyone tells me, but then I remember. I remember the love I have for my H, I remember the sadness in all the things I did wrong, and I just go spiraling down.

I wish I could drink. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

All of you who have personally recovered are amazing. I can't even think that one day I can be whole even if my M doesn't make it.

I'm taking your hope and putting it in my heart and holding on to it.

Bracha

Hi Luna,

So glad you posted. This is my first holiday alone, and last Christmas day was my DDay, so I've had a few downs today. Posting here tonight and seeing how many of us are alone has helped me through. I don't feel like crying anymore. At least not right now.

I too have been starting to appreciate my time alone. I now have a new job (making more than WH) so I don't have to discuss what I spend with anyone. I painted one wall pink in my new condo, and I have the entire place to myself. And the best part - the garage has NOTHING but my car and a few paint cans. WOW. That part I like. There are a few pangs of lonliness though as I think of growing old without WH.

I bought The Secret today. I've heard so much about it and decided that I needed something to give my personal recovery a good boot in the butt.

You are an inspiration. Have a great Christmas.

Funny thing about the Secret. Last year, while he was having his A, we were assistants to a personal growth class that was for one weekend a month and lasted 7 months.

It was on NLP or neuro linguistic programming. It was about learning how to read people and know when they were in integrity. What a flippin joke. NO ONE, not even the counselor figured out WH was a total lie at this point.

Anyways, we watched that together and the lies....oh the lies about how much he loved me and our future.

I remember as early as June noticing a change in him and commenting on it. For years I knew he was unhappy, and I knew that I was trying as much as I could, but it wasn't working. He held so much in and I kept hoping he would use this opportunity to dig deep and figure out where the pain was. He didn't and he ended up blaming me and our M on all his unhappiness. He withheld SF from me since March 06 telling me I couldn't be trusted and I wasn't safe. SF is my MOST important need and he withheld the one thing that made me feel alive. It drove me crazy and he knew it and he did it on purpose. What is wrong with me that I can't just walk away from him?

What an idiot I was, so trusting so naive. And yet, I will forgive him anything if he would just COME HOME.

Hi Skinsgal,

I am sorry if I am not too familiar with the details of your situation....but I am familiar with the rollercoaster ride of infidelity...



That's the whole idea of my posting... start by IMAGING that it's possible...if ever you want to get there!



...well then... may I suggest you give them a big hug and thank them for being there for you, as kids always are!



...as soon as you catch yourself starting to remember.... get to doing something else that is more 'productive' than thinking about a WS.... I liked Believer's suggestion once of getting the toilette bowl scrubbed....it actually is a better use of your time and energy!



...that's my point...how do you plan on getting there....if you can't even imagine it...yet! ...if you are making it 'conditional' on something you don't control....TOTALLY...like a M...because it takes two to want it! So... get busy 'imagining' where YOU want to be (that does not involve WS's decisions)... put your brain 'on notice' and it will spot the doors of opportunities on 'how' to get there....then, get yourself at a place of 'strength', as you will need some of it to go THROUGH the doors as it will likely include dealing with some 'unknown'...then again.... if we knew everything...life wouldn't be much fun!



...you 'made my day'....thank you!



...that's why it's a losing battle dealing with a WS....I call it 'a waste of energy'....make better use of it! Count yourself lucky, you shouldn't need to kick yourself for not being able to pick up the 'signals' of the lies...

it just shows how good WSs are at it....so surrender..accept that a WS's talent at lying is 'unmatchable' (if that word exists!).... if your counsellor couldn't pick up on it.... how could you...trusting him....loving him....could?


...well..not before he committs to NC with OW and to investing himself to do whatever it will take to recover your M! OK? ...that is, if you want to save yourself some pain.

This is what I know for sure.... until the perspective of BS changes from what I call...the 'victim' mode.... something being done to you... to one where BS, by working on what we DO have CONTROL over, ourselves (and not on what WS does), but what WE DO with our lives..and realize the direct link between what we DO and what HAPPENS TO US.... it will be like an evening of fireworks...a lightbulf moment...worth all the effort you are putting in to 'overcome' this very painful experience!

...because essentially....I feel....the biggest mistake that a BS needs to correct... is to learn to NOT turn over the power over our lives to anyone else...because....as we have learned, you never know.... and because in the end this way everyone is at a much better place.... there will be no rug to pull from under our feet.... if we learn to trust ourselves and believe that we are, as imperfect as humans can be, the best stewarts of OUR own ship!

....and the cherry on the sundae....in the process, you learn to love...yourself!


Skinsgal, you will be OK....as soon as you start to trust yourself... that even when things don't go as planned... you learn from it.....try to do better... and you WILL be OK...

It's reaching the mountain top....keeping IT as the goal... and trusting that if you go up...one step at a time.... you will get there...EVENTUALLY...LOL!

P.S. sorry for the long post...I still have not yet reached my goal of being short, concise and to the point...as some of my models here....like B, or BigK...or Pep...Ark...WAT... uhmmm.... better stop while I am ahead!

Hi Chai,



...only a few?....you're doing great!



..can't ask for more, Chai... it's normal that such a 'big' wound as infidelity will take some time to heal....


...good...continue focusing on the parts that you like...



...uhmmmm...making assumptions about the future? I can agree with the 'growing old' part (don't think anyone has found a solution for that one yet..at least...the physical part)....'without WH'.....maybe....

...but give yourself this time...while WS is too busy in laland to ask yourself the hard questions: do you really want to share your life with someone? ...need to?... if so, is it really at any price? ..or with someone that can appreciate you, that you can appreciate, with both wanting to LEARN how to show it? You see what I mean... questions that need some 'thought' and time!

...and as you can see.... I don't believe in rushing into anything too soon.... take a back seat....allow reality to hit WS's laland.....see what happens....take the time to think about how you see your life....what your values are, etc. etc....before involving anyone else in your life (because as you can imagine... you are very vulnerable right now to 'attention'...and as a BS one may tend to want to lower the standards where the contrary should be happening, the standards need to be high and remain high....particularly for WS!)..... instead, take the time, by being 'unavailable' at least until the ink is dried on the D papers, to process the M and what you would like to see in a R...whether it be with WS or...someone else!

...in the meantime, enjoy the gift of life and take the time you have to learn about yourself and learn to love...yourself!



Very good use of your time... hope your butt won't be too sore!



So are you. Have a great Christmas.

Wow,

Thanks Luna.

There is so much to digest and yet you are so right.

Like Mimi and everyone else says, it's the sticking thinkin that's killin me.

Your strength and understanding of this is something I look forward to gaining and sharing VERY SOON.

Warmly,
SG

Hi everybody,

Well...for the sake of processing.... I am putting it out there....feel free to make comments.

I am in PLAN B, as well as in Plan D, but it seems whenever something hits 'a cord' and WS is really hurting, in pain...he will attempt to 'talk' to me directly.

WS misses DS17....A LOT.....since he has decided to only stay with me this past Fall.... (and stopped going to stay overnights at WS's)

WS had hoped, actually....expected it (in keeping with WSs sense of entitlement!) that at least when I was away for a few days...DS17 would be staying with him....

Unfortunately, this has proven not to be the case.... I needed to be away for a few days, gave DS17 the option to stay at WS's, he preferred staying at home....I made the necessary 'supervisory' arrangements with friends and neighbours, and provided WS with the info.

It had been awhile since WS had attempted to speak with me directly...for the most part...he has respected my Plan B request to NOT call me unless it's for an emergency...so I was caught off guard... and took one of his calls where he was quite upset....but hurt, really... claiming that it was up to me to insist that DS17 stay with him while I was away, and not pass on 'parental duties' to the neighbours.... and that he was quite dissappointed with my lack of cooperation in the matter.

I said very little.... because what I was hearing was: BS...I am hurting real bad....can't you do something about it?

How very sad...affairs hurt soooo many people.....with WS on top of the list!

..but I can't control DS17 any more than I can control WS....but that doesn't stop a WS from EXPECTING it!

I now wonder if it is worth somehow to remind WS... like an 'Oh, yeah, I forgot'... seeing that in our case D-day was about 3 yrs ago <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />... that all this is a consequence of HIS choices ...and, if he doesn't like it, he could actually CHOOSE otherwise....and to please contact me directy only in case of an emergency (uhmmm..... I guess from a WS perspective....this could be considered an emergency!)

... then again, it may not go beyond...here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Thanks.

Hi Lunamare,

I wouldn't attempt to educate him about his choices and DS17's decision to not have anything to do with him.

Don't let him try to engage you, you have come too far.

Soon to be WXS knows already. Let him get to the point where he can no longer pretend to himself that he doesn't. Maybe then he'll actually do something to win his sons respect back.

If he calls or emails again, I would remind him to contact you only in emergency.

JJ,

Thanks for dropping by.... I know... which is why I will stay DARK!

It was our 'dance'... being there for each other... but WS broke that dance....

.... I needed and need to let go.....and let WS handle this very BIG mess he has gotten himself into.... or NOT! ...when he chose what I consider very destructive means, creating much much more PAIN in the longrun for himself and a lot of people, for some very temporary relief from... PAIN! It seems that the relief is short-lived.... the pain is back with a vengeance....considering the many losses WS has to face now...

...but I cannot ALLOW myself to be 'spiralled' down with him....even though it's hard for me to see him in such pain.... I still care very much about him.... but if I have to choose....even though I would rather really NOT have to.....than choose I will.....and because I also care very much about myself and my boys... I have to let go of WS!

...and I know that one of the reasons that it's hard for me to let go....is because on the surface it seems to go against some of my core values.....of being loyal, of not abandoning someone you care about... but what a WS selfishness asks for, which I consider beyond reasonable, is to abandon....ONESELF! give away our CONTROL over our lives! our BOUNDARIES! our RESPECT! our DIGNITY!...whatever the cost..... by asking to place WS's needs above one's own...or those for whom we are responsible for....our children...!

....I still consider PLAN B one of the toughest but most necessary step I have ever had to take in my life...to help me survive the aftermath of an affair!

...and because, even though I would rather be in a relationship.....and with the father of my boys, if possible....inspite of that, and inspite of my fears.....I would rather face the challenges of being alone... than be, at all costs, in an...unhealthy, uncaring and destructive... relationship!

believe this ... all is not well in Turdland

being in Plan B - WH cannot really vent his hurt/pain/frustration to you, his wife

so guess who has to listen to his whining/complaining/bitching .... ?????

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> OW

Hi Pep,



I know Pep.... WS seems too desperate to want to 'share' with me whatever his concerns are about the boys.... knows that he can only really do that with me.... knows that he has done a lot of damage to his relationship with them and with me....knows that OW can't really intervene or help.... that the boys, no matter what, are not OW's top 'priority' as they are to me and him... uhmmmm.... that's not exactly 'soulmate' material..... but obviously there seems to still be enough of a payoff... or....too much invested already in OW?.... too much pride? ....too afraid to risk a false recovery?....too afraid to lose it all....who knows...

...but what makes me most sad about affairs..... is seeing WSs NOT loving themselves enough to NOT put themselves in a position of so much inner conflict....because deep down I don't believe a WS really wants to purposely expose their loved ones to so much violence, destruction and pain ....and which they do most of all.... to themselves!

...which is why I would rather be a BS than a WS, why I am not surprised that denial is so prevalent.... as in reality, 'forgiving oneself' for a WS must seem an unimaginable feat to reach....

...I have realized that I choose to LIMIT myself to what I consider the 'healthier' paths in life...to satisfy my own needs....with less drama and chaos and with the intention of helping one another whenever possible ..... I work hard at not losing sight of this, and WS can either join me...or NOT!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Hi Lunamare, (waving!!!)

I am totally amazed at how far you have come. I remember when you came here and you were just a puddle of tears and fears!!

WOWWOWWOW!!!!

You are awesome, and a wonderful example of strength and fortitude. You are SO healthy, and WORTHY, and by the way the best mother ever.

Glad to see you are doing so well and handling your WS so well.

How is plan D going?

Gotta go now, in a bit of a rush to get home, but I wanted to tell you how much I admire how far you have come and so glad to see you are doing so well.

Love to see your updates!

Love in Christ,
Miss M

His affair has lasted almost as long as my ex's. It imploded less than 2 weeks after our divorce was final.

Sounds like you are doing well. I'm still in Plan B, and ex STILL tries to contact me all the time. Actually more than when I was in Plan A!!!!

Hey Luna,

Stay dark girlfriend. Don't let him cry on your shoulder.

Sounds like it's a little shakey over there in affairland. Maybe OW will give him some sympathy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hi Miss M,

Glad to hear from you.



LOL...so am I! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> ...well....the tears and fears are still there.... I am just not letting them run my life...

I still love my S very much....but I know a 'destructive' path when I see one.... and it broke my heart to see WS choose to take the A route.... I am a very loyal person... and suppported S in many many projects....and some quite the challenge.... and I guess WS thought it was a 'given' that I would always blindely 'follow' him...not so.... each time I actually chose to support him...as I have an adventurous streak.... for 'clean' fun....

Plan D is in the hands of the lawyers...it will run its course... and to be honest... even though I love S very much, I have accepted his choice.... and if he is choosing not to want to be at my side and share his life with me.... I am now getting to the stage of actually looking forward to finding someone else who will... now...that's progress! ...LOL! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />