Hi Luna,

Not much to say except that you are not alone and others are reading your post, me included.

I would guess that by beginning Plan D, you would experience another wave of the Grief Stages...though probably faster and less intense that on D Day. If this is the case you are probably in the Disbelief stage.

I peronsally cant believe it has ALREADY BEEN two years?! Though, for me, it makes sense that your WS has made no progress, since he is still going on in his A. No emotional growth can really occur there. Nothing but fungus grows in the dark.

By the way, I am not a 28 year old spring chicken. I was 28 when I made the biggest mistake of my life (so that is the person I would like to reach back to and shake some sense into--hence the Morgan Freeman comment). Now I am a battle-seasoned 34 year old! Though I have to say, the older I get the less I seem to really know, so I am not sure what I have really learned from my battles and seasoning except that stuff I should have learned in Kindergarden, like DONT LIE!

Anyway, just posted to say...you are being heard by someone out in cyberland!

Yes, do look up Pema Chodron! Specifically, she wrote a book called "When Things Fall Apart," I think it has some great thoughts on dealing with grief and pain. She too is a BS, that is, before she became a Buddhist nun.

Hang in there (or "Lean into it", as a Buddhist might advise)...this, like all things, shall pass.

P.S.

I spent the day in Montreal today. Do you live in Montreal? I saw the Musée des Beaux Arts and then walked all over and then down to Old Montreal. Nice day, nice city.

Hi Luna,

It sounds like you have made a decision, and with that decision comes a new direction, away from the things that you have sought to regain in Plan B, namely, your H, your M.

I agree with Ahuman, you have grief to process, and it will continue along the way, as the D moves along. I don't think any pain, confusion, and dissillusionment can compare to Dday, so you may process things more quickly.

How to be positive? This is a new beginning for Luna.

Hi Unsure,



Thanks for the time you took to read it and for your support.

Hi, Luna

I'm reading, but I don't have much in the way of advice to offer, other than that if you think you're ready for plan D then you probably are. I would be if I were you.

Like SL said--a new beginning.

Hello everybody,

Thanks for your replies and support.

As Orchid would say....when the heart and mind are in sync.... it's time.... and so it is....I have set in motion the divorce.... WS has had enough time.... I am ready to move on...

Big load lifted off my shoulders...

and yes....a new beginning.....

Ahuman,



....well...I feel relief, actually...maybe it will come later....



I won't argue with you on that, Ahuman.....



Well...it still makes you MUCH MUCH younger than me and so all to more wiser.... you should be proud of yourself, Ahuman, you have come a long way and you have my respect.... I have nothing against making mistakes.....we're human.... so long as we owe up to our responsibilities.... and you seem to have done that....


...and that, my friend, means a lot to me....



Thanks for the reference, Ahuman....



Well...yeah....guess just blew my cover.... although there are a few million of us here....LOL!

Luna:
Although it hardly seems appropriate...congratulations on reaching this new chapter in your life.

You made a valiant effort to save your marriage, and in the process, became a stronger, more self-assured woman.

You never compromised your integrity, and now you are moving forward with the certainty that you've done all you could. That's courageous and admirable.

Peace and happiness to you.

Hi SL,


Could not have said it better myself....



....I must have been doing a really good PLAN B....not feeling any of these feelings....at least not right now....talk about a quick process!



I have paid my dues....I am more than ready!

Here I come world!

Hi Lilsis,



New chapter??....make that a new book!



The way I am feeling right now???.....UNSTOPPABLE!




As I said to SL....I have paid my dues....I have no regrets!



Thanks, Lilsis....the same to you....

I am personally so glad that I found you on these boards, Luna. You helped me through such a dark time. I know that I have a tough uphill battle right now, but Plan B and personal recovery have helped me quite a bit.

I see your journey as one for the books here, on how to do it RIGHT. You will be so much more ready for your new adventure than many here, who are pushed, pulled and prodded into a quick divorce. There's still so much more healing necessary, and it may take up to two years for many to get there . You stayed in Plan B and got there. That's just great!

All the best to you in this new leg of your journey!

Hi SD,



Thanks SD....I know you also have a lot on your plate.... keep doing the hard work....it's worth it...one way or the other!



To all newbies...and PLAN Bers... it really feels like that....it really does! ...I would have never believed it!

...hang in there...you WILL get to the other side...and it will be OK!

It really feels like having a mountain to climb.... and lo and behold...I am at the top....now seeing ALL the potential before me!

Update.

The boys are 'home' on a permanent basis... WS...seeing that it was a 'unilateral' decision on my part to want to take into account the boys' input given their age about the one week/one week each, has chosen not to accept to only take them one weekend every two weeks and have them over for supper during the week anytime (but drive them back 'home' afterwards).....

...although I am sorry about WS's decision to not want to take the boys whenever he could....unless it was at his 'conditions'..... I certainly feel privileged to have them back in my life on a 'daily' basis.....

I have also met a lawyer...and have set in motion divorce proceedings.....and at his suggestion and to save some money... we will attempt to have a 'divorce by consent' agreement... but the major issue as far as I am concerned.... that the boys have a say on what happens to them given their age and their rights... can be considered settled as far as I am concerned.... and therefore I consider that the BIGGEST issue has been settled... the rest.... it's material stuff.... although necessary.... not a TOP priority for me.... and so it will be just a matter of time.... that I will have 'paid my dues'.... and be able to move out of the 'limbo stage' of PLAN B....

...could NOT have done it without YOUR support...

Thanks a million guys....

(((((((((((((((((((((((THE BOARD)))))))))))))))))))))))

Hey Luna, I'm happy to hear you feel a lifting off your shoulders. Bickering will happen whether it's over the boys or some other thing. Know that you've likely hit bottom and now your going no where but up.

Hi Nams,


Yeap....it certainly feels that way so far....

Update.

A week and half ago I let WS know that my lawyer was waiting to hear from him or his rep re 'negotiating' a divorce settlement before going to court..... so far, no news that WS or his rep has made contact with lawyer....hum..... I thought WS would have jumped at the idea of D proceedings..... I am a bit surprised....

The boys are quite happy with no longer having to do the one week/one week.... so am I.... get to see them everyday.... I do feel like more like a 'family' again.... unfortunately....WS will have to do with not seeing the boys as much.... I really got the impression that WS was surprised that boys no longer wanted the one week/one week routine....and wanted to stay with me full-time.... to me it was obvious they were tired of it... and WS did not seem to have worked on building enough of a relationship worthwhile for them to keep making the effort...

Yes... I am very sad that the possibility that our family as it used to be or as I wished it to be.....is getting to be slimmer and slimmer.... but I am putting my best effort into creating a 'home' for me and the boys with as much of the elements of a 'family' feeling as one adult can muster up..... a sense of security and peacefulness, an adult they can count on, an adult that loves her boys so very much and tries to show it in 'little of ways', full of affection....everyday!

....basically....focus on appreciating what I have.... and focus less on what I don't have.... seems to do the trick.....in helping me gain a sense of acceptance about what is happening... and help me move to the next stage of my NEW life.....and a NEW beginning....

...but the loss is there.... the void is there.... and I will just have to learn to 'live' with it....

Hi Luna,

Don't try to figure out or read into your stbxwh's behavior. Take care of what you need to take care of, he will respond how and when he does. You will drive yourself crazy wondering if he's changed, if the relationship with his gf is falling apart, etc.

Let the behavior he has exhibited by being a wh coupled with the fact he has not taken care of his relationship with his children be what tells you who he is now. That's why you've started d proceedings. Protect yourself and your boys, your wh had his opportunities now it's time for you to continue to move forward.

Thanks for the support, Nams, I really appreciate it.

WS is having the boys over for supper tonight, after three weeks of not staying over at his place, he is hoping I guess that they have changed their minds or that he can persuade them to continue the one week/one week deal...but most importantly....I think he needs to check that I have not influenced them in any way in their decision...I haven't.... I continually try to make sure that what they choose is not out of a sense of 'responsibility' for their mom or somehow 'blackmail' their dad.... I truly want an arrangement with which the boys will be the most comfortable with...

...at least for now.... they would prefer staying with me.... and I certainly encourage them to keep their dad in their lives as much as they can....

WS says he misses the boys... I bet.... but this time.... it may not be up to want HE WANTS only.....

So Luna, what's up?

So often when one partner starts divorce proceedings there is movement. Anything from your WWH?

<waves> to Luna and Nams.

Geez Luna. Where are you? Do let us know you're OK.

Hi everybody,

Hi Nams, Hi BigK,

Didn't realize some of you may be.....wondering....what's up.

Current situation:

I consulted a lawyer re starting D proceedings, who suggested considering one 'by consent' to reduce costs, and so gave WS option to contact my lawyer directly or have his rep contact him.

In the meantime....several weeks ago the boys were tired of the one week/one week gig....particularly the older one.... suggested to WS that it be modified....he discussed it with boys...insisted on 50-50 and sent them home until they were ready!

The younger one has just started going back to 'staying' at dad's....the older one, 17 yrs old, is refusing to go.

WS has served me with D papers...requesting 50-50 custody, even of the 17 year old.... My lawyer will contact WS's lawyer to further discuss it.... he assures me that court will take into account DS's wishes...

So.... the ball for D proceedings has been set in motion...

I am doing fine... like BR once said, one of my boundaries is not wanting to stay married to a cheating WS... so....it's about time to 'regularize' the situation.... as WS is clearly not interested in M recovery given the lapse of time... and at this time...is quite mad at me for not intervening and insisting that 17 year old maintain 'status quo' as set of one week/one week.... If WS is asking me to choose..... the choice is quite simple.... my son over WS any day!

WS needs to work on HIS relationship with HIS son.... who will not appreciate having to have to 'set the record' straight in court to have his dad respect his wishes.

I am wondering how much of an emotional rollercoaster the D proceedings will be.... but after 2 years....time seems to have done 'some work'.... I am actually looking forward to be 'set free'....legally... to move on with my life.